It was one of the few love songs that he’d left on his album. He was playing the piano and revealed to me that he still had a soul with actual feelings. This made me angry because, once again, he got to play the part of a sad, broken-hearted guy that had been ruined by his mean-spirited girlfriend.
All of his fans were lining up to send sympathy to such a vulnerable guy who was not afraid to show his feelings. Of course I saw right through him and I knew his act was complete bullshit.
Although Rene must have been happy with the whole outcome, I bet she never dreamt in a million years that our relationship would help ignite her boy to the brink of stardom, in turn, generating millions of dollars for the label.
I wondered how big her end-of-the-year bonus would be this Christmas.
The first week the single came out, I downloaded it and played it relentlessly trying to decipher its true meaning the same way I used to despise his fans for doing so.
I concluded the song had to be about us. He spoke about letting someone go but not giving up on the love they shared. And the most heart-wrenching lyric was when he sang “I won’t kiss you goodbye.”
It flooded my brain with that terrible memory in front of the bar when his hands were shackled behind his back as Detective Albright patiently waited to haul him off to jail.
I had attempted to kiss him and he turned his face away from me. At the time he did it in anger, but in the song, he sings about denying the kiss because he was simply refusing to allow his lover to leave him.
How convenient, Ray.
Really?
Because if that’s what he really meant, then why hadn’t he tried to call me? It had been six months since that fateful night and in the blink of an eye, Ray and I went from being epic lovers to saddened strangers.
I got out of bed and forced myself to prepare for the day.
I had the day off and so I decided to get some fresh air and go on a walk. I put on my denim skinny jeans with a gray shirt paired with a maroon knit scarf and tan boots. Plugging in my hair wand, I began to curl the ends of my hair.
This had been a new look for me that Chrissy had helped me achieve shortly after I snapped out of my depression. She was right to suggest shedding my old image and replacing it with another after a trauma had changed my life.
After applying my makeup, I checked myself over in the mirror and then grabbed my purse and keys as I headed toward the front door. I had planned on going for a run earlier but decided to just be a little lazy and walk instead.
Then I saw Chrissy on the couch with my favorite ice cream and the thought of lolling around the house with her seemed to be just what my body and mind needed.
“Hey,” she said, with a mouth full of frozen mint chocolate chip.
I nodded in response and took a seat next to her. “What’s up?”
Chrissy waxed philosophical as she stared blankly at the television screen. “Do you ever regret breaking up with Ray?”
Now it was my turn to stare blankly at nothing in particular.
It hurt me deeply the way Ray and I had ended things. But what hurt me the most was how quickly we had grown into strangers. He was like a piece of coral that had broken away from the Great Barrier Reef. He floated off into the sea while all the rest of us little people were trapped on the island.
Unspoken Words had released their debut album and it launched them into instant fame. These past months apart, Ray had not only toured the country, he had toured the world. The band was nominated for a ton of awards and they actually won in the category of “Breakthrough Band of the Year.”
Every one of his dreams had come true and with it, I had grown into a distant memory, a childhood romance that he simply grew out of as he transitioned into adulthood. I no longer had the ability to waltz into his life as I chose. He was now as unreachable to me as he was to any other of his 800K followers on Twitter.
Maybe if I was lucky enough, his social media coordinator could unblock me, but that was about as close as I could ever get to Ray Ryker, the rock star, for now.
Chrissy and I had settled into a nice routine which involved hours of television and gallons of ice cream. I think by watching all of the band’s success, Chrissy was finally starting to have some regret of ending things with Finn.
Ignoring her question, I tried to focus on something that would easily catch her full attention.
Herself.
I adeptly played to her narcissism, "So how was your date last night?"
“It was great, until he lifted his hat and there was nothing but a head full of gray hair!” she exclaimed.
We both broke into laughter.
She had been set up on a date with the guy by one of the nurses she had gone to school with. The man was a highly paid doctor, so of course Chrissy jumped at the opportunity. Sight unseen, Chrissy arrived at the restaurant and was impressed by his appearance until…he sat down at the table and removed his hat.
To say she agonized all the way through her dinner would be an understatement. She couldn’t wait to get out of there and head for home. He was probably in his early thirties and while he looked handsome enough, Chrissy was much too vain to date a man who was graying prematurely.
“So you weren’t into the silver fox look then?” I joked with her as I scooped out another spoonful of the green ice cream.
“No way, I’d much rather have a dark panther.” She meowed and clawed the air looking like a cat in heat.
“I think you already had one of those.”
She absorbed my comment about Finn and shot back, “Yeah, and let’s not forget your golden goddess.”
“Oh geez, enough already, this is so pathetic.”
We both agreed and continued stuffing our faces in silence. Finally, Chrissy grabbed the remote control and began to stream the latest music awards show. There was no way I was ready to sit there and watch as Ray soaked in compliments and sympathy from all sorts of strangers. I needed to emotionally remove myself from what was about to take place.
Although Chrissy and I seemed to be gaining some good days back together, there was only one person who could stop my ever-growing pain. Adrian couldn’t heal the wound completely, it was much too big. But he could apply pressure, which would temporarily slow the bleeding from my heart and instead allow it to gradually slow down to a trickle.
I stood up and stretched my arms.
“I’m going to go on a walk,” I announced as I reached into my jeans pocket and took out my prescription bottle of pills. Adrian could only immobilize my bleeding heart. The painkillers were still very much needed to do the rest.
Chrissy rolled her eyes to let me know that she wasn’t so easily fooled, “You mean you’re going to get a side of Adrian with those pills you’ve been eating like candy?”
Thankfully she had talked her father into extending the prescription for me. I shrugged as I headed towards the front door. “I won't be gone too long. See you in a bit.”
“He must not be that good in bed if he still has you pining over your ex,” she shouted in defiance.
I didn’t bother defending myself.
I had told Chrissy time and time again that Adrian and I were just friends but she never bought it. She didn’t grasp the idea that a male and a female could be friends without having sex. I didn’t have the energy to argue about it and so I just let her believe what she wanted to believe.
Adrian and I had grown closer over the last few months, although I had finally admitted to myself that I had stronger feelings for him, I still had not managed to vocally admit that to his face. Or Chrissy’s either, for that matter.
Adrian and I had only met six months ago but for some reason it seemed like I’d known him forever. And the best part of it was that since we’ve been hanging out, I didn’t dream those crazy dreams as much anymore.
After the last sister and brother weird dream, I hadn’t had any new additions to the story and I couldn’t say that I missed it. It felt liberating to be able to close my
eyes and fall into a peaceful slumber again with some added props to the pills Dr. Kyle had so graciously prescribed me.
***
It’s hard to explain exactly how I had fallen in love with him. Maybe it was the fact that he never hid his emotions behind that beautiful face of his with those bright green eyes always holding my gaze.
Those penetrating orbs were never afraid to look away. Instead, they probed, questioned, and exhilarated my soul, always determined to uncover my dark sad thoughts and always there to catch me when I fell.
It became a habit for Adrian to come over every Saturday and together we walked the three mile trek that I used to run. I missed running, but the new Sidney had been slowed to a walk. The running Sidney had died the night at the bar. The new Sidney would stand and face her challenges head on because running, no matter how fast or how far, always proved to get me nowhere.
I enjoyed the company with Adrian rather than the company in my head that cruelly told me what a terrible mistake I’d made losing Ray.
This morning we were about to turn around and head back home when I noticed him glancing up at the old rusty train trestle above our heads.
“Pretty ugly, huh?” I asked, nodding at the bridge. “The city put up a fight to have the train company repaint it but since then, they’ve been arguing back and forth with each other, unable to decide whose job it was to paint it.”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Adrian answered. “I’d say since it’s the train company’s property, it would be their responsibility.” He continued to stare at the bridge. “Have you ever been up there?”
That stretch of railroad was the exact spot where my mother had stepped out in front of a moving train almost twenty years before.
“Yeah, there’s a hiking trail on the other side of the freeway overpass, then there’s a staircase that leads you to a tunnel the train goes through,” I explained without mentioning my personal history associated with the area.
He looked over at me. “Really?”
“Do you want to check it out?” I offered, even though the place gave me the creeps.
I had been coming to this place every day during my runs, but I had always gone alone. Now I had suddenly put myself in a position to share the most sacred place in my life. I wasn’t sure if I could do it.
Adrian was sure. “Fuck yeah.”
And so we began climbing up the trestle. It took us about fifteen minutes to get up to the tunnel. I sat on the wooden stairs while Adrian walked around exploring.
Stretching my legs, I clutched my gray hoodie tighter. Although it was only September, it was freezing, as if this black cloud of sorrow followed me around and didn’t care about seasonal climate norms. Adrian came back over and sat down next to me on the staircase.
I smiled weakly. “So is it all you imagined it to be?”
He nodded and bumped me with his shoulder. “Of course it was,” he said with a smile as he stared at me. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. It felt so good just being near him.
I turned to look into those green eyes, and before I could stop myself, the words fumbled out of my mouth, “Why did you have to come here and meet me now?”
I could see the look on Adrian’s face as he tried to piece together the meaning of my question. Instead of answering he pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket.
Great, now I’ve frustrated him.
“I just wish we could have met at a different time, when my mind wasn’t so messed up.”
He lit his cigarette and enjoyed the first few drags before responding, “Maybe we were supposed to meet while you were so messed up.”
I raised my eyebrow in speculation of his theory.
He smiled. “I know you think that soul mates are found based on a person’s musical preferences, but what if soul mates are brought together to fix each other?”
I didn’t know how to answer other than to reply with a joke. “I suppose I had better go search for a heart surgeon then.” I chose to pretend that his subliminal message had flown over my head.
My necklace slipped out from inside my sweatshirt and was dangling in midair. It caught Adrian’s attention and he reached over and picked up the pendant, examining it closer. I watched his face as he did it. It was almost as if a dark shadow was cast over him as I witnessed the pain he so desperately tried to hide from me resurface in his eyes. I couldn’t bear having him handle it, so I took the pendant and tucked it back inside my sweatshirt.
“You still miss her.” It was more of a statement than a question. I said it softly, trying to be sensitive. If he could listen to all of my heartache, it was only fair that I allowed him the same opportunity.
He bit his lower lip as if he was using his teeth to force his lips shut, but the sadness in his eyes told me everything. Instead of responding, he stood up and walked a few steps away, and took another drag of his cigarette.
He always smoked when he was upset. I walked over to him and stood in front of him, inches from his face. His green eyes looked at me in question with a cigarette dangling loosely from his mouth. I reached up and removed the cigarette, never taking my eyes off of him. We stood facing each other, playing a game of chicken, waiting for the other to make the first move. Finally, he took my hand in an attempt to take the cigarette back. I tightened my grip, careful not to burn myself as my eyes never left his.
“Why don’t you ever try to kiss me?” I blurted out.
As soon as I said it I wished I could take it back.
Adrian became still as a statue, his eyes unreadable. I wanted to run away and crawl under a rock, but the question had been burning in my mind for so long I had to know. We had spent so much time together these last months and aside from the night at the bar, he had never put a move on me. He had to feel the same connection I felt. I tried to ignore it because of Ray but what was his reason?
“Because you still haven’t figured it out,” he said coldly, removing the cigarette from my fingers and placing it back in his mouth.
I stood there, confused by his answer.
“I don’t understand. Maybe you can just tell me what I’m supposed to figure out.”
“Maybe isn’t good enough, Sidney. People need to be sure, and if you can’t figure that out on your own, then I can’t help you. It’s getting late and I have to get back home. We should have never come up here,” he said angrily.
I slowly followed him down the trail, the numbness setting into my body, acting as a shield to protect my frazzled nerves.
What did he mean we never should have come up here?
We walked the entire way home in silence. He was too angry to speak and I was too scared to provoke him. When we got to the bottom of my steps, I turned to go inside when I felt a tug on the back of my sweatshirt.
I turned around and he pulled me into a hug. “I’m sorry, Sidney. I had a great time today. Thank you for taking me up there. I’ll see you later, ’k?”
“I lied to you that day in the cemetery,” I blurted out.
Once again my mouth failed to wait for my mind to catch up to decide if the words I wanted to spill out had been emotionally approved.
Adrian tightened his grip around me as his expression darkened. “Lied to me how?”
“I told you that I didn’t have any relatives buried there. It was a lie. My mother’s buried in that cemetery so I wasn’t trespassing that day.”
Adrian seemed relieved that my lie was a small one. He pulled me closer to him and embraced me in a soothing manner.
“Don’t worry about it, Sidney. We have the rest of our lives to learn everything about each other.”
“She died on that train trestle when I was a baby. She committed suicide by jumping in front of a train.”
I didn’t know why I had felt the need to share this bit of information with Adrian, but I did know that it felt good to get it off of my chest.
Adrian gently took my hand and led me to the stairs to take a seat. He wanted to talk now.
Flicker, Fade
Today, once again, Adrian proved to be my safety net as I continued my free fall into the abyss of sadness while explaining the absence of my mother. We were both perched on the front steps of Granny’s Craftsman. Adrian graciously provided his open ear.
Just then the postman walked up, carrying a large box, “Sidney Sinclair?”
I nodded and signed for the package. Adrian watched intently as the courier placed the package in my hands and headed back down the stairs.
“I swear this better not be another thing from Ray’s house,” I complained while examining the box.
Even though I wasn’t on speaking terms with Ray’s family since they had expelled me from their presence, they had continued to find it perfectly acceptable to mail some of his old belongings to me, as though I was his off-site storage facility.
Or maybe they were expecting that we’d get back together eventually. Maybe being the operative word here.
“I can send him a legal letter for removal of personal property if you want. It’d be legit, coming from Triple-A law firm,” Adrian joked, as he used the name change I had suggested.
He was just trying to be helpful but we both knew that I would never send Ray some legal threats from some fancy lawyer’s office. I was too busy fantasizing about his return.
“I’m serious,” he said as he sat two steps below me.
This time he did not turn around to face me as he spoke. I stared at the back of his head waiting for him to continue. Instead, he reached into the front pocket of his denim jeans and began pulling out his damn Marlboro Reds.
Over the past few months of hanging out with him I’d begun to take notice of some of his personality characteristics.
For example, he always smoked when he got either uncomfortable or angry. Currently, I couldn’t tell his present mood with his back turned to me.
“Is that a new shirt?” I asked, attempting to change the subject.
He turned around and looked up at me with the cigarette hanging on his bottom lip. He was wearing an olive green garage shirt. I’d never seen him in that color before. In fact, most of the time he stuck to the depressing color of black.
Between Loves (The Pendant Series Book 2) Page 11
