Thinking of the color black reminded me of yet another question.
“Hey, do you dye your hair?”
It was midnight black with no hint of any other color even as it reflected off the sun. And the color against his pale face made it look washed out and unnatural.
He snatched the unlit cigarette out of his mouth and climbed up the steps to sit next to me. My heart began to pound as it always did when he got too close and invaded my personal space.
He leaned over and whispered in my ear. “You notice a lot of things about me, Sidney.” He breathed. “Why?”
I smiled to myself. Because you’re all I ever think about.
I sat as still as a statue looking straight ahead, too nervous to look at him. He didn’t move his face and I could feel his hot breath on my ear. I gripped the wooden stair next to me with both hands and closed my eyes, waiting for him to go back down to his step.
“Don’t let him come back this time, Sidney. You deserve better.”
Like you, maybe.
I felt a gush of cold wind as he jumped up and galloped down the stairs. I opened my eyes and thought about pursuing him but stopped myself. He was on the sidewalk lighting his cigarette. I sat and stared at him, thinking of ways to prolong his departure. I wasn’t ready for him to leave yet.
“Wait,” I yelled out.
He looked up at me. Those pendant eyes full of hope, as if he was waiting for certain words to fall from my lips. But I hadn’t a clue what words he wanted to hear. What words would make him stay?
“You didn’t answer my questions,” I stalled, trying to buy time.
He took a long drag of the cigarette and exhaled a gray cloud of toxins and began walking, “You didn’t answer mine either,” he shouted over his shoulder.
I turned around and marched into the house with the mysterious package in my hands.
Chapter 17
Resurface
As I entered, Chrissy was seated exactly where I had left her. The empty container of ice cream was now on the coffee table and Chrissy’s eyes were glued to the screen. The awards show was still on as the familiar song was playing on the television set.
There he was, a miniature Ray on the tube, wearing a white suit with a black tie playing on a matching baby grand piano. He was singing the song that the world was gobbling up at a record pace.
The cameras focused on him as he played and sang with so much emotion as the words passionately exploded from his lips, “I won’t kiss you goodbye.”
After the first few minutes of the song, the black curtain behind him dropped and the remaining band members appeared and began to play. I stood frozen in place, clutching the package as I glanced over at Chrissy.
Finn was now playing a guitar solo and she sat on the couch clutching an accent pillow with the same emotional fierceness I was feeling. I couldn’t take anymore and I finally forced myself to grab the remote and turn the television set off.
Immediately Chrissy withdrew from her trance and looked up at me. “Hey, Sidney. How was your walk?”
“Good. How’s Granny?”
“She’s well. I just finished giving her a sponge bath.”
I smiled in gratitude and sat down on the couch next to my best friend. She grabbed her cell phone and began pressing some buttons. I guess she hadn’t gotten her fill of torture because now, she began watching a video interview on her cell phone with Unspoken Words via YouTube. Ignoring the video, I went across the room and began fumbling with the package the postman had delivered. I had to find a better way to occupy my time.
I could still hear Chrissy’s phone and even though I was trying to block out the voices, I could hear everything.
A reporter was asking Ray about the meaning of the songs on the album. They wanted to confirm if the rumors were true about all of the songs being about his ex-girlfriend back home in Northern California.
“Did he have any contact with her since his arrest…blah, blah, blah.”
I pretended to be opening the box but now I was straining my ears to listen to Ray’s response.
“No, I haven’t had any contact with Sid since that night. It’s actually been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But staying away from her is best, because honestly she deserves better.”
Bullshit, I thought, you stay away because you hate me. You’ll never forgive me for that night.
He continued to stab me with emotional daggers. “The majority of the songs written do stem from our past relationship.”
There was a long pause before he continued, “With the exception of one.”
As soon as he said that, I knew the song he was referring to. There was a song on the album that I couldn’t relate to and I didn’t understand the lyrics Ray was singing about. He was referring to someone else.
The song pointed to a mystery woman claiming she had held him down and made him live in a false world she created for him. It went on to express it had come time for him to break away and find himself on his own because he doesn’t need to be molded into what she had wanted.
The rest of the interview was interrupted with Chrissy’s loud shriek as she dropped her phone and stared at me in horror.
“What?” I asked, dying to know who that song was written for.
“That creep has gone too far this time!” Chrissy yelled as she reached down and scooped her phone off of the floor.
Before I could respond, her ear was pressed against her pink-jeweled phone and it was ringing. I sat back, ready to watch the show, wondering if I should make some popcorn. My mouth flew open when I heard the familiar voice on the other end answer her call.
“Your cousin has pushed me too far this time, Finn. He had no right to write a song about you and me!”
I stood there gaping with a look of total shock on my face. It was as if I was seated to watch a PG film and an adult movie began to play. I was so flabbergasted by the events unfolding that I just stood there, staring at Chrissy in disbelief.
First, I couldn’t believe she was actually on the phone with Finn, and second, I really couldn’t believe that the song Ray wrote was about Finn and Chrissy. It was even more incomprehensible that Ray would let the entire world know how he felt about Chrissy breaking his cousin’s heart.
I heard Finn as he chuckled on the other end of the line. “Babe, if I knew that Ray writing a song about us would get you to call me, I would have had Ray write a whole album about you.”
Chrissy’s face turned a bright shade of pink as Finn still referred to her as babe. He said it so casually, as if no time apart could change that.
“I don’t want Ray putting my business out there. You got that Finn Aldman? Otherwise, I’m going to fly down to L.A. and kick his pansy ass!”
More chuckles from Finn. “Why go all the way to L.A.? You can do it tonight in San Francisco. By the way, Ray wanted to know if Sidney got his package.”
As soon as he said it, I dropped the box like a hand grenade and jumped back, afraid that it might blow me up.
I met Chrissy’s eyes, shrugged my shoulders, and mumbled to her, “I had no idea that package was from Ray.’
She cut off her sort of boyfriend, “I have to go. Goodbye, Finn.”
He subtly pleaded with her, “Maybe I’ll see you tonight, huh?”
“Doubtful.”
She tossed the phone on the couch, held her hands in the air, and jumped up and down, squealing as if she’d just won the lottery.
“He still called me babe. He still loves me, I know he does!”
Chrissy made no sense at all. She had spent the entire year sure that she didn’t want to be with Finn. But then, she constantly complained she was miserable without him, and now when she’s presented with a second chance, she gave him the cold shoulder.
And she’s happy about it?
He had asked to see her. He practically begged her on the phone and she had responded with a negative.
Chrissy was now playing hard to get. Was she crazy?
I tried my best to steady my shaking hands as I began to open the big brown box, but they wouldn’t stop trembling.
Finally, impatience got the better of Chrissy and she pushed me aside and began tearing into the box as if she were a child ravaging her Christmas presents.
Inside there was a gorgeous navy blue cocktail dress. I lifted it up to examine it more closely. It was a simple short-sleeved number that looked to be about knee length. It would have been ordinary if not for the thousands of sequins stitched to the dress, making it as heavy as a sack of potatoes. This dress screamed dollar bills and I knew there was only one person that could have sent it. My hand shook as I reached in the box, searching for a note. At the bottom of the box lay a pale blue envelope.
I picked it up with my still shaking hands and removed the card from the envelope. The front side read:
I miss being us.
I opened it up and immediately recognized Ray’s handwriting.
The memory of that night haunts me. I lied when I said I was never holding on. The truth is that I’ve been holding on for dear life ever since I met you. I’ll never let you go. Meet me tonight for dinner. The address is below. I’ll be waiting. If you don’t come, I will understand. I know I messed up big time. Ray.
The address was in San Francisco. Finn must have known that Ray was going to ask me to meet him tonight. And he had asked Chrissy to come along. I stared into Chrissy’s big hazel eyes, silently asking her to give me some sort of guidance. She didn’t let me down.
“You have to go.”
I countered, “I’ll only go if you come with me. Either we both go or neither one of us goes.”
As I said this, I had to push Adrian’s face out of my head. Moments before he was breathing in my ear not to give Ray another chance and now I was considering the exact thing he had warned me against.
I began to get angry because I had boldly asked Adrian to kiss me and he had turned me away without a second thought. Maybe if Adrian had kissed me, I wouldn’t be considering meeting Ray tonight. In my mind, Adrian had his chance and he blew it. He was always speaking in those silly riddles and telling me that I hadn’t figured them out. As if my love was somehow shallow and dispassionate. I was done playing mind games.
I was headed for San Francisco.
Chapter 18
Fall for You
Maybe it was stupid of me to go. I’m almost positive it was, but that’s me; always going against my better judgment when it came to Ray. He and I constantly entangled ourselves into a disastrous web of chaos, and we liked to fool ourselves into thinking it was a relationship. Sadly, I always ended up being the fly while he reigned supreme as the spider.
It had been six months since that night in front of the bar, and although I ended up losing the love of my life, I had gained my own identity. For the first time in two years, I was finding myself, I was finding happiness again.
This past summer, I had found my voice and in it I had also found my freedom. Was I ready to throw that all away and crawl back into my prison with Ray, into my own personal cell of loneliness and desperation?
Maybe it will be different this time, I foolishly reasoned with myself.
I took a deep breath and started fanning my perfectly made-up face. I could feel myself hyperventilating as I stood in the lobby of the Fairmont Hotel.
My bff noticed. “Calm down, Sidney, you look fab. I made sure of that.”
Chrissy squeezed my hand as she whispered the words of encouragement to me. It didn’t take much to convince her to come tonight. She had strongly maintained that the only reason she was taking this trip was to give Finn a piece of her mind, and insist that he never speak of their personal history again.
But I was Chrissy’s closest confidant and I knew that deep down, she loved every second of this drama. Being in the emotional spotlight is what this girl craved. She always had to be the center of attention in high school and now she was staring into the possibility of being the center of the universe.
“Where are you meeting Finn?”
She nodded to the left. “There’s a café around the corner. I told him to meet me there. I’m not trying to get all intimate like you and Ray.”
Chrissy said this while she eyed the entrance to the restaurant Ray had specified as our agreed upon destination. It was very intimate and at the same time, intimidating. I began to fan myself more aggressively now. Why was it so damn hot in here?
Chrissy tilted her head, giving me a look of dismay. “Calm down, Sidney. You look like you’re about to walk into your own firing squad. It’s just dinner and it’s just Ray.”
Her pep talk seemed to work and I took a deep breath and gave Chrissy a hug. We said our goodbyes and we both turned in opposite directions and headed to face our men.
But as soon as Chrissy disappeared all of my self-doubt began to return and I repressed the urge to run.
That was the old Sidney. The new Sidney doesn’t run away.
I took another deep breath and entered the restaurant. The place was packed and I knew that I could easily turn around and escape through the lobby doors before anyone ever noticed me. But I pushed myself forward and approached the greeter at the wooden pedestal. She was a small, petite blonde girl with wire rimmed glasses.
“Good evening, Miss. Do you have a reservation tonight?”
“I do. I believe it’s under Ray Ryker.”
As soon as I said his name, the blonde’s eyes shot up at me and gave me a once over as she sized me up. I silently prayed she didn’t recognize me from the tabloids. His fans hated me for supposedly breaking his heart.
She grabbed her yellow highlighter and searched the long list of names on the white sheet of paper in front of her.
“Ah, here we go. He reserved the best seat in the house for you. It must be a special occasion, hmm?” she said icily.
I smiled and reddened a bit but kept my lips shut. I wasn’t about to give anything away.
She grabbed two menus and turned toward the dining room. “Follow me, please.”
We walked past a large indoor fountain and weaved through the white pillars that gave the place a “Caesars Palace” sort of look. The dining room was decorated in shades of gold, white, and tan and in the center of the room was a giant dome ceiling with a massive crystal chandelier.
We crossed the dining floor and entered a smaller, quieter room. There was an older man wearing a black tuxedo tucked away in the corner playing softly on the piano. I spotted Ray and immediately all of those old feelings resurfaced. He stood up upon my arrival.
“You came,” he breathed, a sigh of relief escaping his lips. He stared only at me and I wondered if he even noticed the hostess that had brought me to him, even though her eyes followed Ray like a hawk, desperately trying to get him to notice her.
He looked perfect, as always. His blond hair was combed back, revealing his high forehead and big blue eyes. There was a slight darkness under his eyes which showed that he hadn’t been getting very much sleep. He also had a bit of stubble on his chin.
Somehow, even with the tired look, he looked older, more mature, and wiser. It was as if I was now staring at the adult version of Ray, no longer that self-centered kid that I knew six months ago.
I sat down in the chair across from him and he went back to his seat. The hostess went over the list of specials, talking only to Ray, and handed him our menus. He ignored the entrees and grabbed my hand, never allowing his eyes to leave mine. He told her to bring us a bottle of their most expensive wine. Of course she didn’t card him as she went off in pursuit of the vino; he was freakin’ Ray Ryker, for god’s sake.
He gave me a warm smile, “How are you? You look great, Sid, your hair’s different.”
How am I? I chomp prescription pills like they’re candy out of a Pez dispenser. All so that I can remain numb to the fact that you dropped me l
ike a bad habit.
I gave him a sparkling, forced smile.
I nervously twirled my long brown curls in my hand and responded, “The benefit of having Chrissy as a roommate, I suppose.”
Taking a sip of the water that was already on the table, I added, “Thank you for the dress.”
He gripped my hand tighter.
Was he still allowed to do that?
I thought that right was revoked the night he left me on my own, banged, battered, and broken in front of the bar. He became a stranger to me that night, and had continued in that manner over the last six months.
Ray must have seen the dismay on my face because his grip loosened and he withdrew the intrusive hand.
“I’m sorry. It’s just habit, you know; touching you.”
I should have let him sweat and made him realize what he’d lost. The right to touch me was no longer his. But that was my ongoing problem with him; I never could deny Ray anything. Never could say no to him, and tonight proved to be no different.
I reached across the table and gripped his hand. “No, it’s fine really.” Forcing a smile, I squeezed his hand as a reassurance, even though I wasn’t so sure myself.
“We moved out of the mansion last week. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the clothes that were meant for you. Even though you never touched them, they still reminded me of you and I couldn’t let you go. So I packed them up and brought them with me.”
I ignored the fact that the closet only brought back the horrid images of Lilly exiting as she was wearing my dress. A woman never forgets that kind of memory.
“You look good too, Ray. I like your outfit, you look a little gangster.” I smiled. “Like a young Al Capone.” I giggled.
He was wearing a light blue dress shirt with a navy blue vest. A gold tie poked out from under the vest. With that outfit and the slicked back hair all I could think of was, “Boardwalk Empire.”
Between Loves (The Pendant Series Book 2) Page 12
