Standing Outside the Fire

by Jillian Neal

  “I definitely get that,” Jamie nodded. “So, where do I start? I’ll never break her heart. But I’m telling you, Doc, somewhere deep inside of her she already knows that.”

  Dec gave him a broken smile. “When you speak about the fire that tore her life apart, you speak of the technical side of it. Even you struggle to attach any emotion to the event because you understand that it hurt her. You’re going to have to allow yourself to feel the pain through her and for her so that she doesn’t have to face it all alone. She’s not necessarily afraid that you’ll break her heart. If she lets you help her put herself back together, she’s afraid the world will take away the glue she needs the same way it took away her mother.”

  “I’m the glue?”

  “You will be for a while. Eventually she’ll gain strength and take over that role herself, which is what we want.”

  “But her being able to orgasm with me and me being the glue or whatever, I can handle all of that at once. I want to do it all. I just need to know how.”

  “I appreciate a man who isn’t afraid of all of the complications laid out before him. I bet Charlie does as well. From everything I’ve heard, the key sounds like it lies in getting her out of her own head while also getting her to trust you enough to hand the reins over to you for a given amount of time. She likely only feels safe when she’s in total control. That’s why she won’t allow herself to orgasm. Her body taking over her brain would be terrifying to someone who’s lived the trauma she carries. The first thing I would do is to assure her that as long as she feels good and is able to feel how much you care about her while you’re together sexually, the goal doesn’t have to be orgasm.”

  Jamie watched a few head of cattle dip themselves into a low creek nearby. “You know that goes against everything dudes are told, right?”

  “I am aware,” Dec chuckled. “It’s the road you’re traveling not the destination, right?”

  “Yeah, I remember.” He didn’t like it, but he was determined to fake it until he made it.

  “Try to get her to tell you what’s going on in her mind when she climaxes alone. That’s always a good starting point. Fantasy is almost always the key to healing from trauma. But you’re going to have to do a lot of talking and convincing for her to trust you with her fantasies. And you’re going to have to handle them responsibly.”

  “I’m a grown man who helps run a county, a cattle ranch, and a fire department. Responsibility isn’t something I struggle with, no matter what her daddy thinks.”

  Dec didn’t even miss a beat. “Discovering exactly how much of her father’s opinion of you has affected her perception of you is another task you’ll need to work on. But I meant what I said about fantasy. That’s the best way to get her out of her own head. Let her pretend to be someone else. If you can give her something else to focus on, she’s far more likely to allow that version of herself to have the pleasure she’s actively denying.”

  Jamie ran through a few rather common fantasies. He was pretty sure he could pull off most anything that turned her on. “Okay, so fantasies and anything else?”

  “Take it a little at a time. Talk first. Get to the physical later. Don’t be surprised if you have to reassure her over and over again, even when you feel like you’ve told her a thousand times how beautiful you think she is. The world screams in women’s ears much louder than you’d believe. Sometimes it’s all they can hear. Proving to her how much she turns you on would likely do wonders for her confidence levels.”

  “I can do that.” Another few, rather filthy, images flitted through his mind as Dec set the car in motion again.

  “Final piece of advice—it takes an incredibly strong person to face the demons Charlie lives with every single day. Make certain that no matter what she shares with you that you show it a great deal of respect.”

  “She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever met. I’ll handle whatever she wants to share. That won’t be a problem. Listen, I really do appreciate the help even if I was a little resistant at first.”

  Dec grinned at that. “You likely won’t believe me when I say this but it’s the truth—for me, helping people keeps me sane. I’m an addict by nature. I have no choice but to live that. Helping other couples achieve intimacy reminds me that what I do matters. So, you helped me as much as I helped you.”

  As they were pulling up to the cottage, Jamie offered Dec his hand. “I understand needing to know that what you’re doing makes a difference. Firefighters are the same way. It’s an addiction all its own, so I get what you’re saying.”

  “It is an addiction,” Dec agreed. “Fortunately it’s one that makes the world better when so many of them tear it apart.” He gestured his head to Charlie who was on the front porch heading their way. “I wish you luck. If you need any more help, find me.”

  “Thanks, man. I’m just hoping she doesn’t scalp me for talking to you.”

  “I’d broach that delicately, but you have to be honest with her. That’s the only way to achieve the intimacy you’re after.”

  “Kinda feel like I shoulda gotten her flowers or something,” Jamie admitted.

  “Flowers don’t speak loud enough. Try pinning her up against the wall and delivering physical promises she needs to hear and you want to give instead. People who cling tightly to control are often the ones who’d most like to be able to give it away safely.”

  “Now that, I can do.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Charlie watched Jamie crawl out of someone’s SUV. Every motion of his body displayed his innate confidence. Her heart applauded in her chest at his return. “Hey,” she drawled out into entirely too many syllables. “You’re back.” Already blurring the lines of their friendship and whatever it was they’d become the night before, she raced off the porch and into his arms.

  He seemed delighted by that and lifted her into his arms and held her tight. “Hey there, angel. You okay?”

  When he set her down she wrinkled her nose. “I’m fine. I just missed you. Why do you smell like diesel?” She hadn’t meant for that to sound accusatory, but the concern tensed in her tone.

  “‘Cause I was damn near swimming in it. Both tanks on both trucks busted in the wreck.”

  The frantic beat of her heart no longer felt like applause. It was borderline panic. The fact that he was still against her, holding her was what allowed her to keep breathing normally. “There wasn’t a fire, was there?”

  He cradled her chin with his rope-callused hand and stroked his thumb along her cheek. The motion set her at ease. “You’re so damn beautiful, did you know that?”

  His compliment did nothing to soothe her, mainly because it wasn’t true. Was he avoiding the question? “Oh my god. There was a fire, wasn’t there?”

  “No fire. Everything is fine. Honestly, it coulda been much worse than it was. Camdens lost a bull, and the Claytons lost about ten head in all, but both drivers are fine. Wreckers are cleaning up the road now.”

  Relieved to hear all of that, Charlie took his hand and tugged him up the porch steps. “You must be exhausted. Come on. Katy dropped off food. I’ll heat it up for you.”

  “You don’t have to do that for me.” He sounded like she’d handed him gold bricks or something. She shook her head at him.

  “You’ve been rescuing people and animals all day long. It’s the least I could do. I wish you’d woken me up. I could’ve helped.”

  “I didn’t really know what I was getting into when Colt called me, and you were sleeping so well. I hated to wake you.”

  Before Charlie could respond to that, her phone buzzed in her pocket. “Crap. I forgot to turn it back off. I had it on in case you called.” She showed the screen to Jamie. It was a Tulsa number but not one in her contacts.

  “Might be Ed trying you from another number,” Jamie cautioned.

  “He hasn’t tried to call me from his own number.” She rolled her eyes and answered the call.

  “This is Barbara from the Bank of Oklahoma.
I need to speak with Charlotte Tilson.”

  Charlie was instantly on guard. Her checking and savings accounts were both at Bank of Oklahoma, but they’d never phoned her before. “Um…this is she.”

  Jamie’s brow furrowed. He stepped closer to her as if his proximity could shield her from whatever this was about.

  “Miss Tilson, Reverend Edward Weaver stopped into the Odell branch this morning and requested copies of your bank statements for the last six months. He said he was your new husband. You hadn’t added him to your accounts, however, so we were unable to give him any information. I was calling to see if you’d like to authorize him.”

  Rage throbbed in Charlie’s head. How dare he? “He is not my husband,” she screeched and then reminded herself that Barbara wasn’t who she needed to scream at.

  “What’d he do?” Jamie asked under his breath.

  Modifying her tone slightly, Charlie went on, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you, but I did not marry Ed, so he has no right to any information on any of my accounts there.”

  “I understand. I’m going to add a note to your account files just in case he tries this again.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Have a nice day.”

  Charlie rolled her eyes, ended the call, and then promptly exploded. “Ed tried to get copies of my bank statements!”

  “Damn.” Jamie looked baffled but not nearly as angry as Charlie felt.

  “I cannot believe he did that. First of all, he lied to them. Second, what the heck? I put down the deposits for the wedding. I’ll pay for whatever else they want to charge, but he’s not getting anything else from me.”

  “It sounds to me like he’s checking up on you unless he’s in financial straits or something. Did he say anything like that?”

  “No. He squeezes every penny until it squeaks. Plus, if he needed money, why would he insist on me quitting my job? It doesn’t make any sense. And how on earth would having my bank statements from six months ago tell him where I am now?”

  “Do you want to call him?” Jamie’s suggestion sounded like he’d had to dredge it up from the bowels of his gut and force it from his lips.

  Charlie studied him, trying to guess his thoughts. “You don’t sound like you want me to call him.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Why?” Her heart picked up pace. She knew the answer she longed to hear, but it was stupid to even wish for it. It was only going to get them both hurt.

  He took a step closer, dominating her space. She wanted more. She couldn’t seem to get close enough. Maybe ever. “You want me to tell you the truth?” rumbled from him. She managed a quick nod. “Because I’m possessive as hell, and I want you to be mine. I don’t ever want you talking to him again. He had a piece of you that’s supposed to be mine, and honest to god I hate him for that.”

  Being forthright came far too naturally to Jamie. He’d kept all of this to himself for what felt like a lifetime. She’d asked for the truth, so he’d given it to her. It was all up to her now. A hard swallow contracted her neck as she gnawed on her bottom lip. The time lengthened between them. He swore it put physical distance between them and he couldn’t stand it. “Say something,” he demanded.

  She pursed her lips. “Impatient much?”

  He held up his hands. “Yeah, kind of, but I’ve been patient for a long damn time already.”

  Concern tensed in her eyes. “Can I ask a question? Or maybe more than one?”

  He took her hand and guided her inside the house. This wasn’t the kind of conversation you had standing in somebody else’s front yard. “You can ask me anything. You know that.”

  She eased onto the couch, but the tense set of her body did nothing to soothe him. “What does that look like to you? I mean, me being yours. How does that work?”

  Approaching that from every angle, he considered. “It means you let me take care of you. Let me protect you. If you’re in trouble, I’m the guy you call. Even if you’re just pissed for no reason, I’m the one you let try to fix it. You tell me things, even things you think don’t matter. If something makes you cry, you let me hold you. If something makes you so fucking happy you want to skywrite it, you call me and tell me first so I can be happy too. Shit like that.”

  She gave him a broken grin that he swore stabbed through his chest like a frozen ice pick. “I already do all of that. You are already all of those things to me.” She dropped his gaze. “You’re everything to me.”

  He scooted closer to her and took both of her hands in his own and wondered if she remembered the first time they’d ever held hands. The spark and fascination were still there in his palms whenever he held them. “I’m not everything to you. Not yet. I want the physical too. I want to hold you naked in my arms. I want to hear all of those sweet, needy little noises you make when I get you wet. I want to roll over in the mornings and prove that I can wake you up better than coffee. Hotter. Stronger. I want to feel you tremble for me, angel. God, I want that more than I even knew. I want you to trust me enough to let me hold every single fantasy that lives in your head, even the ones that scare you a little. I want to be the guy that makes them a reality.”

  Well, he had just told her he wanted her to tremble for him and she was, but this wasn’t exactly what he’d had in mind. Her hand shook in his. He strengthened his hold. “You scare me, maybe more than a little,” she finally choked out.

  “You’re scared of me?” Absolutely nothing about that made sense, and it killed him.

  “No. Maybe. Kind of. I’m not scared you would ever hurt me physically or anything. I know you’ll always take care of me, but…” she shrugged, “you’re a man and you know how…”

  “To do things. To give you the things you’re afraid to ask for,” he concluded for her. Life anew rushed through his veins now. He couldn’t quite hide his smirk.

  She gave him another hesitant nod. “Yes, and I don’t know how to do any…things, and if this doesn’t work…” her jaw tensed as she stared him down, “that scares me more than anything in the world, even more than my memories of the fire. I can’t live without you. You’re the whole world to me. I can’t lose you. I’ve already lost…too much.” The words seemed to deflate her body. She curled in on herself.

  Jamie shook his head and scooped under her legs so he could place her in his lap. “You will never lose me. If I fuck this up bad enough that you hate being my girlfriend, we’ll go back to being best friends. Simple as that.”

  “It wouldn’t be you that messed up.” She spoke that into his chest.

  He lifted her head again. “I’m gonna do everything in my power not to, that’s for damn sure, but why do you think it would be you?” She went silent for several beats. “Say it,” he urged. “Whatever you think it is, say it, so I can prove to you that you’re wrong.”

  “I’m not wrong,” she fussed.

  “Let’s hear it then.”

  She gave him an exasperated eye roll. “You’re going to get sick of me being so bad in bed for one thing.”

  He swore he could hear the audible squeal of brakes screeching in his mind. “What the hell makes you think you’re bad in bed?”

  Exasperation rang in her tone now. “All of the things that I don’t know how to do including…you know.”

  “Coming when you’re with me?”

  “Yes. That.”

  “You not coming doesn’t mean you’re bad in bed, baby. Nothing you did last night was bad. My god. How could you even think that? But if you want us to work on you trusting me enough to climax, I want to do that. I want to be there for every part of a relationship.”

  “You’ve never even had a relationship so how do you know that? And me not being able to do that with you is not because I don’t trust you. I trust you completely. I just can’t do it. I’m broken.”

  “Do you have any fucking idea what it does to me when you say shit like that? It kills me.”

  “Sorry.” She cringed.

  “Don’t
apologize. Just let me prove you wrong.”

  “And how do you think you’re going to be able to do that?”

  “You just said you trust me, so prove it. Let me see if I can help you learn to come with me.”

  “How do you plan to go about doing that?”

  “Lots of different ways. Just give me a chance. Please. I’m begging here. You said you wanted to learn how to do all of these things you think you don’t know how to do. Let me teach you.”

  “I did not say that exactly.”

  “Humor me, Miss Tilson.”

  That got him another eye roll. “I don’t know what that means or looks like in your world.”

  She still wasn’t getting it. Too late to turn back now. “You are my world, sweetheart. I just need to hear you say that we can try this together.”

  “What if this doesn’t work out like you think it’s going to? What if…”

  He gently placed his index finger on her lush lips, quieting her. “Last night when you kissed me, you said you were tired of being afraid. Find that again. Just for a minute. Let that version of yourself decide this.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Charlie tried. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine what Jamie was describing. She would be insane not to take him up on this offer. How long was she going to let the fear rule her? Her mind continued to supply endless reasons why this was a terrible idea, but hope is an adamant, insistent emotion.

  Jessie had been right. She was hurting herself a little every single day to avoid pain later on. For heaven’s sake, that’s why she’d agreed to marry Ed, just so she wouldn’t have to chance a relationship with Jamie that might not work. She knew the pain of losing the most important person in your life, and she knew she couldn’t live through that again.