Beautiful Mess

by Preston, Jennifer

  “Of course.”

  “Do you think I don’t let myself be happy? That I get in the way of my own happiness?” Cole’s words had been weighing on her the whole way home.

  Connor let out a breath. “No, I don’t think that you don’t let yourself be happy. But I do think that you keep people at a distance, because you’re afraid to be hurt. I think that by doing that, you keep yourself from pain, but you keep yourself from being truly happy, too.”

  Bri dropped her head.

  “Now, I know a lot of that has to do with you losing your mom. And I also know that a lot of that is my fault as well.”

  Bri opened her mouth to protest, but her dad held up a hand to stop her.

  “No, it’s true. You lost your mother when she died, but you lost me when I met Summer. I know this hasn’t been easy for you, and I know things between you and Summer aren’t great. I know that you often feel like you don’t have anyone to depend on, or turn to when you need them. But I want to you know that no matter what, I’ll always be there for you. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. You can count on me.”

  Bri nodded, more tears spilling. Her dad leaned in to kiss her forehead.

  “I’m so proud of you, Ambria. So proud of the person you’re becoming. Please don’t let fear hold you back any longer. You have so much to give, so much to offer the world. I’d hate to see you burdened by regret for the risks you didn’t take. So, do yourself a favor, and do your old man a favor, and start listening to your heart. Sometimes it knows best what you need.”

  “But how do I know my heart will make the right decisions?”

  “Oh, Pumpkin, it won’t. Just like anything else, your heart will make mistakes. But those mistakes are how we grow. Don’t be so afraid of failing, that you don’t even try. Okay?” Bri nodded. “I love you, Bri. I believe in you. And just remember, no matter what, you’ll always be my baby girl.”

  Bri gave a small laugh.

  “Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.” She kissed her dad on the cheek and headed to bed. She was done crying, done feeling sorry for herself, and done being miserable. It was time to act. She had some serious thinking to do, and some serious plans to make.

  Because in all of this mess, there was one thing Bri was sure of. She wasn’t going to let Cole go without a fight. She loved him too much. She just needed to figure out a way to prove it to him.

  By the time graduation arrived on Wednesday night, Bri had made her decision. She knew what she needed to do. She was going to take a risk, more like a giant leap, because she knew Cole was worth it. And even though she was still hurting, and achingly desperate to have him back, there was hope in her heart. Hope that she would be able to fix things between them. Hope that he would forgive her for being such a stubborn idiot. Hope that there was a chance for them to be happy, together.

  So, while she was still heartbroken and terrified, that small seed of hope allowed Bri to walk up, her head held high, to receive her diploma. The senior class, decked out in navy blue and white gowns, were assembled in rows out on the football field. Parents, families, and friends filled the stands to watch and cheer their graduates. Bri accepted her diploma and congratulations from the principal, and paused to get her picture taken. She was even able to give a genuine smile, her first one in weeks, as her family and friends cheered for her.

  She cheered for each of her friends as they accepted their diplomas. When it was Cole’s turn, Bri clapped and cheered as loud as she could. She didn’t know if he realized she was cheering for him, his eyes never sought her out in the crowd, but she hoped that he knew.

  Finally, the last diploma was handed out, and the principal declared them graduated. Bri cheered and tossed her cap into the air, relieved and grateful that this chapter of her life was over. She was ready to move forward.

  As she bent to retrieve her cap, she spotted Cole across the field. He stood, alone and still, in the mass of activity, watching her. Nothing registered in his dull eyes, as he stared at her for a moment. Then with a sigh, the only form of acknowledgement he gave her, he turned and walked away.

  Guilt and anguish twisted Bri’s stomach. She had done this to him, turned him into this lifeless, apathetic version of himself. For a moment doubt filled her. How was he ever going to be able to forgive her for hurting him so badly? Would he even believe her when she told him how she really felt about him? Tears threatened in her eyes, but she forced them back. No more crying. It was time to fight, and she had much to do. She just hoped it wasn’t too little, too late.

  She started that night, by telling her dad and Summer her plan when they took her out to dinner to celebrate her graduation. Summer was shocked, but Connor didn’t seem too surprised by her decision. They were both supportive, and offered Bri any assistance she needed. After dinner with her family, Bri went the party Layla was throwing at her house. Deciding to confide in Layla, she pulled Layla aside and told her the plan, after first swearing her to secrecy.

  “Wow.” Layla was obviously stunned. “Why don’t you just go tell Cole all of this right now, before he leaves?”

  “No. He probably wouldn’t believe me anyway. I need to prove to him that I’m serious. I need to do something big, so that there’s no room for him to doubt me. So, please, you can’t say anything to anyone. I don’t want him to find out.”

  “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me,” Layla promised. “And Bri? I want you to know that I think what you’re doing is very brave. I hope it works out for you.” She hugged Bri tightly.

  “Thanks Lay. Love you.”

  “Love you too, girl.”

  The next morning, Bri put her plan into motion. She started by calling the admissions office at Duke. She’d already been accepted there, but she needed to make sure she wasn’t too late to accept. Then she called the scholarship department, and after a little finagling, was assured that the academic scholarship she’d been offered was still hers. She then called the director of Duke’s dance team and found out that, to her great relief, she hadn’t missed tryouts. Auditions were the following Tuesday. Bri got all the information, and after telling the director, Tanya, a little about her dance history, Tanya was very excited to have her come try out. Bri then called her dad, and he gave her permission to book them both ticket to North Carolina. Bri had been willing to go by herself, but her dad insisted on going with her, which made Bri happy.

  Summer had walked in while Bri was talking to her dad and had heard the conversation. Thoroughly stunning Bri, Summer offered to make all the travel and hotel arrangements for her. This was the first time Summer had offered to do anything for Bri, and she was touched. Maybe there was hope for the two of them after all.

  Having everything else taken care of, Bri prepared herself for the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. She took a deep breath, called the admissions office at Stanford, and declined her acceptance and scholarship. Though they tried to get her to reconsider, Bri was determined. She made sure the scholarship offered to her would be available for someone else, thanked them for the opportunity, and hung up.

  Releasing a huge breath, Bri was surprised to find that she wasn’t as devastated as she thought she’d be. She had, after all, just given up her oldest, dearest dream. And she was sad, but she knew she was doing the right thing. Her heart told her so. She had a new dream now.

  Monday morning, Bri and her dad flew out to North Carolina. Tuesday morning Bri marveled as she arrived on campus. The Duke campus was stunning, and she found she had no trouble picturing herself there for the next four years. The dance team tryouts were long and grueling, but after three rounds of cuts, Bri made the team. She felt a huge weight lift off her chest as things fell into place for her. She took the packet that had all the team information she needed, but she didn’t hear much of what the director was saying. Bri’s thoughts were on Cole, and how she was one step closer to him. She did hear that they were all due on campus July 7th to move into their dorms, and practices started the 9th. One month away. I
t couldn’t come soon enough.

  When Bri and her dad returned home, she got even more confirmation that she’d made the right decision. She got a call from a very excited, very loud Carly.

  “Guess what! I’m like, totally moving to California!” Carly squealed into the phone. “My dad got a job in San Jose, and since I need a break from my mom, he said I could come live with him! With you at Stanford, we’ll practically be neighbors! Just think of all the fun we’ll have! College parties and frat boys! I like, totally can’t wait!”

  “Wow Carly, that’s great, but I have some bad news for you.” Bri wasn’t sorry at all. In fact, she was relieved that she’d dodged a bullet. Dealing with Carly on a daily basis was not something she could handle. “I’m not going to Stanford. I’m going to Duke.”

  “What? Why? You’re supposed to be like some genius or something. What happened, you weren’t as smart as you thought you were?” Carly said snidely.

  The derision in Carly’s voice set Bri off. She was done pandering to her cousin in the name of keeping the peace. It was time someone took Carly down a notch, and Bri had been dying to do it.

  “Not exactly. You remember Cole, that we met at the beach last summer?”

  “Mr. Douchebag-who-doesn’t-know-how-to-treat-a-lady?” Carly scoffed. “Yeah, why?”

  Carly’s defamation of Cole made Bri bristle with anger.

  “And remember how I told you I hadn’t seen him since then?”

  “Yes. What does this have to do with anything?” Carly’s impatience was audible.

  “Well, I lied. Turned out Cole went to my high school. We started dating months ago. He got a basketball scholarship to Duke, and I’m going to Duke with him.” Bri left out the fact that they’d broken up. That was beside the point. “Oh, and by the way, all your fantasizing about him didn’t even come close to the real thing.”

  “You bitch!” Carly growled, and Bri was taken aback by the venom in her voice. “You lying, back stabbing, slut of a bitch! How could you do this to me? You knew how I felt about him, and you like, totally went after him anyway. I can’t believe you did that!”

  “First of all, he came after me. I guess shallow, judgmental, self-absorbed snobs aren’t really his type. And secondly, I don’t care what you think. The world doesn’t revolve around you, Carly, and neither do I. Oh, and Mr. Douchebag-who-doesn’t-know-how-to-treat-a-lady, is anything but! Cole is kind, and generous, and loving, and amazing. He’s always known how to treat me right. The problem isn’t that he doesn’t know how to treat a lady. He does. The problem is that he knows a lady when he sees one. And Carly, you are no lady!”

  Carly began sputtering incoherently into the phone, but Bri had no more patience for her.

  “Have fun in San Jose, Carly. I for one will be extremely grateful that I’ll be three thousand miles away.” Bri hung up before her cousin could respond, feeling vindicated and satisfied.

  Bri spent her last month in California spending as much time with her family, friends, and the ocean as she could. She spent her last Saturday with Layla, shopping and hanging out. When it was time for her to leave, Layla walked her to the door.

  “You and Devon take care of each other.” Bri hugged Layla tightly. “And if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.”

  “We’ll see each other at Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or whenever you decide to make it back home,” She sniffed, and Bri pulled back to see tears running down Layla’s face. “Maybe we could even plan to go somewhere for spring break together.”

  “That would be great,” Bri felt her own tears on her cheeks. “And we’ll definitely keep in touch,” she promised, meaning it. She was not going to lose Layla like she had Rosa. “And I’m serious. If you need anything, I’m here for you. I don’t care if it’s two o’clock in the morning, call me. Okay?”

  “Okay. Same goes for you. I’m proud of you Bri,” Layla smiled. “You and Cole, you’ll work things out.”

  “Thanks.” Bri pulled her friend in for one last hug. “Good luck, Layla. I love you, and I’m going to miss you terribly.”

  “Love you too, Bri.” Layla released her. As Bri walked out the door, Layla smacked her on the butt. “Go get him, Tiger!” she winked.

  Bri nodded and waved goodbye to her best friend.

  She spent the next week with her family, spoiling her brothers as much as she could. She hung out at home with her dad and Summer, and on Thursday night, they went out to dinner one last time as a family.

  Friday morning, Bri and her dad left for the airport, after Bri spent twenty minutes kissing her brothers goodbye. She was going to miss her little monkeys, and had a hard time leaving them. They arrived in North Carolina that evening and checked into a hotel. Bri enjoyed having some time alone with her dad, and they stayed up late talking and laughing. The next morning dawned, and they drove Bri to her new home.

  The dance team shared a two story row of apartment-like dorms with the cheerleaders. Bri was happy to find that the cheerleaders occupied the seven rooms on the bottom floor, leaving the dance team the top floor. She grabbed her two suitcases and waved goodbye to her dad. The plan was for him to come pick her up for lunch, giving her time to get settled, and then to do a little shopping for her room.

  Bri walked up the open stairs of her dorm, a pit of nervous, excited energy bouncing around in her stomach. This was it, she was here. The building faced a wide open, grassy common area with large full trees and flower beds. One of the team captains, her name badge said Amber, was at the top of the stairs directing girls to their rooms.

  “Ambria Donnelly,” Bri gave the tall, blond girl with a friendly smile her name.

  “Donnelly... Here you are! You’ll be in room number two, right there,” Amber pointed to the second door on the floor. “We pair our freshmen up with sophomore roommates to help you learn your way around and get used to things. Addison, a freshman too, Stacie, and Stephanie will be your roommates. They can answer any questions you have.” Amber gave Bri a key and smiled. “I’m Amber, and the other captains and I are at the end of the hall if you need anything. Welcome to the team! It’s going to be a great year!”

  Bri thanked Amber, and walked into her new room. There was a living room with two bedrooms off the back and a shared a bathroom. The other girls had already arrived, and they all introduced themselves. Bri would be sharing a room with Stacie, and she went in to unpack her things. She placed her clothes in the dresser next to her bed, and put up the picture that Cole had given her for Christmas. She hadn’t been able to bring many things, but that was something she refused to leave behind. After she was done, she hung out with her roommates, getting to know them better.

  Her dad picked her up and they went to lunch. Then they stopped at the local Target and bought her a comforter set, towels, and a few decorations for her room. Her dad also bought her a small microwave, and a Keurig machine that made her a hit in her room. They stopped for dinner before Connor dropped Bri off for the night.

  The next morning, the whole team had breakfast together, and Bri got to know her new teammates. Tanya, the director, talked about the team’s goals for the year and what to expect this summer at practice. Bri was excited to get started.

  After breakfast, her dad picked her up and they went car shopping together. She had had to sell her Mazda before she left California, which had been surprisingly hard. That car had been her baby. But as her dad handed her the keys to her new Jeep Grand Cherokee, Bri found a new love.

  “I don’t know what the weather is like here, but his way you’ll be ready for anything.” Connor smiled, as Bri hugged him. “Oh, and I have one more thing for you.” He reached into his wallet and pulled out a shiny new credit card with Bri’s name on it. Her eyes widened. “This is for you, for gas, food, and a little bit of fun. You’ve been so responsible, and managed to cover your schooling and living expenses. The least I can do is cover the incidentals.”

  “Thanks Daddy!” Bri took the card and hugged her dad
again. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, Pumpkin. Just do me a favor, and don’t go crazy with that thing!”

  Connor had to get to the airport to catch his flight home, so he followed Bri back to her dorm to say goodbye. Bri felt tears roll down her cheeks as she hugged him.

  “I’m so proud of you, Bri. There is no doubt in my mind that you can do anything you set your mind to. Now, go and make your dreams happen.” He kissed her head and climbed into his car. “Oh, and don’t forget to call home every once in a while! I love you, Ambria.”

  “Love you too, Dad.” Bri waved goodbye, and walked back up to her room, ready to start this new phase of her life.

  Chapter 30

  Dance practice started on Monday, and Bri’s life quickly fell into a predictable pattern. She had practices every morning, with weight training and cardio twice a week. Even though she felt busy, she still seemed to have plenty of free time. Too much free time. She almost couldn’t wait until classes started.

  She spent her spare time exploring the beautiful Duke campus, and looking for Cole. It hadn’t taken much digging to find out that the basketball team was on campus already, and where their dorms were. They were a little ways down from where Bri lived, and she began taking walks down that way whenever she could, hoping to see him.

  One day, after quite a few walk byes, fortune finally smiled on her. She spotted Cole leaving his dorm with another guy, who she guessed was his roommate. They were talking and laughing as they walked away, and didn’t notice her standing there. Bri’s heart began pounding as she watched Cole from across the commons. She stood rooted to her spot, unable to decide if she should run and hide, or if she should chase after him, screaming his name. But, before she could force her brain and body into action, Cole disappeared around a corner. Her moment of opportunity was gone.

  Seeing him again sent all of her emotions spinning, and added that much more urgency in her. She needed him back. Now. She didn’t want to waste another day without him. She was tired of feeling like only half of herself. She needed to feel whole again.