by M. R. Joseph
“Corrine, I’m not stupid. If you two are fighting—make up. You leave for school in a week. Just tell him you’re sorry.”
As mad as I am, I grin at her. “So right away, any sort of disagreement between Mack and me is my fault? I’m the cause?”
She purses her lips. “Well, history repeats, Corrine. I know you and your stubbornness. Just don’t go to away to school not speaking. Just say sorry.” I laugh sarcastically and grab my bag and head out my bedroom door. Before I exit and leave her hanging, I turn to address her.
“You know what I think, Mother? I think you secretly wish Mack was your kid, and I wasn’t. I’m always wrong. I can never do anything right in your eyes, but Mack? Mack does everything right. Mack’s your perfect child. You didn’t give birth to him, but you wish you did.”
She says my name in warning, “Corrine.”
A rush of air comes out of my lungs. “Don’t bother. You know I’m right.” It’s an uncomfortable stare down for a few moments until I hear the sound of my dad calling up to me that Will is here to pick me up.
“Corrine, someday you’ll be a mother and when that day comes I hope your child thinks before they speak. I hope they realize that words have consequences and that they can hurt. Words can hurt. Keep that in mind, Corrine.”
I grunt. “Oh, don’t worry. I know all about how words hurt. Maybe you should ask Mack about that. Words have consequences. Everything has a consequence, Mother.”
I take in a deep breath. I let it out and address my mother in a calm tone. “I won’t be late. Okay?” She nods but she’s expressionless. I suddenly feel bad for talking to her the way I did. But what I say and what I think are true. I know my mother loves me and I love her, but she has always made sure to point out my flaws in front of the Cooper’s, in front of Mack, in front of my dad. It makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel bad. It’s always been what Corrine does wrong or why can’t Corrine be more like Mack. I’m hoping things will be different when I leave for school. Maybe distance will be good for both of us.
If I had known Mack and the skank were going to be here at the beach, there would be no way in hell I would have agreed to come here. I can’t even look at them. Will apologized to me; he didn’t actually know they were going to show up, but I’m pissed enough that he knew there was the possibility of them coming. Even though I didn’t tell Will the real reason for the fight between Mack and me, he knows we are not speaking.
I’m trying my best to ignore them, well actually Veronica. All I keep hearing her talk about, with her equally skanky friends, is how close she will be to Mack at BU and how she hopes it won’t be too long before they get a place together. All I can think in my head is what the fuck.
Part of me knows it’s all talk, and the other part of me wonders if I missed out on some important information over the last few weeks. Did Mack and Veronica make these plans? Did he think this was a good decision? Did he even agree to it? My brain spins like wheels on a car wondering if he went along with it for the sake of appeasing her, or to piss me off. I hear her big mouth go on and on about how someday, when Mack is a famous news figure, they’ll be rubbing elbows with all the greats. She’s so sure of herself and so sure of her future with Mack … I know she’s speaking above her normal tone so I can hear. I’m not stupid. The hair flip, the glancing at her awful painted artificial fingernails. I will give her credit for her fierce determination to piss me off. She’s doing a good job of it. She usually does.
Lizzie elbows me. “You know she’s just talk, Corrine. Don’t let her bother you. Don’t let them bother you.”
“They’re not. She’s his problem now. Good luck and goodbye.”
Will steps up and puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in towards his body. I smile up at him as he strokes my upper arm with his hand.
“Hey. Can I get you girls anything? The band is about to start.”
“I’m fine.” My answer is short, and Will looks at me curiously and a bit worried. I need to ease his mind.
“Will, we’re fine, okay. I know you’re friends with him, and even though Mack and I aren’t speaking, I know that we all hang with the same people so I’m not surprised they’re here.”
He looks relieved and I give him a wink. Then like the Gods were trying to punish me, I see Mack walking towards us. With her.
What’s he thinking?
I press in closer to Will’s side almost for protection. Like a shield. I hold my chin up and eye Mack—not breaking my stare.
I hear an ‘oh, shit’ from Lizzie.
“It’s fine, Liz. I can handle this.”
I’ve always said Mack could walk into a room and, without saying a word, capture your attention with just his eyes. I fucking hate him for that.
“Hey, Will.” The guys grab each other’s hands and shake and bump shoulders.
He doesn’t even acknowledge me, but he does Lizzie.
“What’s up, Lizzie?”
She raises her chin, silently recognizing Mack’s greeting. Veronica doesn’t acknowledge Lizzie or me.
Veronica is pressed up so tightly against Mack she might as well crawl under his skin. His arm is around her waist, and I feel an automatic churning in my stomach.
“Hey, Cooper, hi, Veronica. Haven’t seen you guys around lately.”
Mack takes a gulp from his can of soda, and I watch the movement of his throat as he swallows. I don’t know why I’m staring. It’s stupid. He’s stupid.
And finally she speaks, “Oh, yeah well we’ve been way too busy shopping for stuff for Mack’s dorm room, and I’ve been packing for my move as well. There’s not been a lot of time for socializing.
The sick feeling that I thought rolled away, rears its ugly head again, and I remember I’m the one who was supposed to go dorm shopping with Mack. I mean he trusts my judgment on just about everything.
Mack’s eyes go to mine, briefly, after Veronica tells us about the shopping. Lizzie can read the expression on my face, and she knows I’m angry. I’m trying not to show any kind of emotion but this … this is rough. Lizzie clears her throat.
“Oh, how adorable. And Veronica I heard that you’ll be living at your uncle’s best friends cousins house while you attend that community college … uh what was the name of it again … oh the thirteenth grade.” Lizzie smiles. Will snorts, Mack growls and holds Veronica back as she lunges to claw at Lizzie’s face.
“Watch it, Lizzie.” Mack warns her. Lizzie shrugs innocently but not really.
“What I’d say?”
“She’s going to school at least. She doesn’t know what she wants to do, so instead of wasting her mother’s money on a good school, she’s going where it doesn’t cost much to attend and the classes are an easier fit.”
I wish I had a camera to capture this moment. The moment when I see the horrified look on Veronica’s face after Mack basically told her that her college isn’t worth a hill of beans and neither is her brain.
Veronica struggles out of Mack’s hold—her jaw agape and looking as though she wants to rip his face off. Mack seems to already have his foot firmly inserted into his mouth from the time he spoke the first words in his statement.
“Veron …” She cuts him off.
“How could you say that, Mack? I’m going to school to be closer to you and to get an education. That’s what we wanted.” Mack backs up slightly, putting his hands up, palms facing out, bringing the conversation to a halt.
“Now hold on, Veronica. You were the one who chose that school because you told me you wanted to be closer to me. I didn’t agree to it. You had already scheduled your classes and made the arrangements with your mom’s friend to live there as soon as I was accepted to BU. I had no choice but to accept it.”
I have the feeling things may get a tad bit awkward now.
“I did it for us, Mack. You said that it sounded like a great idea.”
Mack pauses, takes a deep breath, shuts his eyes, and lets the air he filled his lungs with, out.<
br />
“I said it was a good idea that you were going to a community college and not a four year school because you weren’t sure what you wanted to do. You misconstrued the whole conversation, Veronica.” Mack’s voice is raised, and Little Miss Sunshine starts with her crocodile tears. Will, Lizzie, and I look on like we’re watching a damn soap opera play out in front of us. The band begins to play at the Allegria Hotel next to us on the beach, and the music fills up the uncomfortable silence that just came upon us all.
Mack tries to apologize but she’s not having it. He grabs her upper arm but she pulls away.
“I’m leaving.”
Veronica walks away briskly. I should feel somewhat bad for enjoying the scene that just played out, but I don’t. Since I can’t cover my expressions up very well, Mack can see my transparent thoughts as the corner of my mouth lifts up.
“You think that was funny, Corrine? You think I meant to hurt her feelings? It came out all wrong.”
My feet are still planted firmly beneath me but I cross my arms defensively.
“You never know when you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings without even thinking.” I bite the inside of my lip so hard to stop myself from saying anything further. I taste the coppery liquid of blood leaking into my mouth.
“Thanks for ruining yet another day in my life, Corrine.” Mack walks away, and I’m rendered speechless.
There’s a first for everything.
Do I want to lose my virginity to Will? Like at this moment? At this exact moment when we’re kissing in his car in the parking lot near the boardwalk. Maybe, I don’t know. He hasn’t felt my boobs or tried to get in my pants. I’m the initiator of it all. I’m the one over the past few weeks who grabs his hand or runs my fingers through his hair. While he’s driving, I’ll kiss his ear. This is the only time we’ve actually parked somewhere and did this. I’m leaving for school. Why shouldn’t Will pop my cherry before my decent into college life? He’s cute and popular. I’ve known him for a long time, and we have great conversations. Now I think we need to take it to the next level. I seductively slide my hand down Will’s side, towards his inner thigh, and place my hand on the front of his shorts while my lips are still attached to his. Expecting to find an erect penis, I find nothing. Not even a semi. What the fuck is wrong with me? I pull my lips away from Will’s and eye him, not understanding why he’s not hard when, for the last twenty minutes or so, we’ve been kissing and kissing pretty damn well.
I swallow my confusion down and ask, “Will, did … did I do something wrong?”
He cups my hand and gently moves it from the front of his shorts and places it on my knee. He leans his head back on the seat and breathes out, shutting his eyes tightly. A pained look streams across his face.
“I didn’t hurt you, did I? I mean I don’t think I squeezed it or anything. I mean, I just didn’t expect not to feel, or I mean to feel … I don’t know, something. Don’t you want me?”
I start to feel that anxiousness that comes and goes ever since the night of the prom. I can’t figure this out. I either get a guy like disgusting Mark worked up to the point where he wants to drug me to have sex with me, or I repulse a guy like Will where he can’t even get a boner from kissing me.
Will says nothing. He grips the steering wheel and looks like he may cry. He rests his forehead on it and shakes it back and forth.
I put my hand on his shoulder, gently, because he looks so upset.
What the hell is going on?
“Will, it’s okay. You can tell me. I’m a big girl. I can take it. If you don’t like me, I don’t want you to feel bad about it. I mean if you do like me and don’t want to have sex with me, that’s fine too. I … I just don’t want to pressure you.”
Will turns his head, slightly, on the steering wheel and he has a tear in his eye.
Stunned, I reach over and place my hand on his cheek.
“Hey, no, Will. What’s wrong? Tell me, please. Are you a virgin? ‘Cause if so, I am too and we don’t have to do anything. We don’t even have to kiss anymore if you’re uncomfortable and …”
Will cuts me off without hesitation.
“Corrine, I think I may be bisexual.”
What the fuck.
“Okay, so then why have you been pursuing a relationship with me? Why take me out and spend time with me, and kiss me, and tell me how beautiful I am, if you think you’re gay? I’m confused, Will.”
He lets go of the wheel and eases back in the driver’s seat, looking pained and embarrassed.
“I thought if I tried to date a girl and do the things guys do with girls then that would clear up the confusing feelings I have for …”
“Guys?”
He starts to cry again, but this time this is not just one single tear. This is a river of emotions flowing out of this guy like I’ve never seen before. Not even Mack when his dad was killed on 9/11. This is awful. As he cries my hand goes tenderly to his back, and I rub small circles over his shirt.
“I tried, Corrine. I did. I’ve been trying to fight it for a long time, but I met someone at a basketball camp I went to last summer, and we got along well and kept in touch. I saw him again this summer, and I don’t know … there’s something there. He knew it and told me to call him when I admit my feelings to myself. I thought if I tried to date you, maybe I wouldn’t feel anything for him and I’d be normal.”
This. This right here makes me so sad. Normal. What is normal really?
Will wipes his face with his hands and rids his face of any dampness. I take his hand in mine and just hold it tightly.
“Will, it’s okay, you know. There’s no such thing as normal. No one is normal. We’re teenagers and we are so far from being normal. But I’m confused a little. All the girls you dated in the past, didn’t you feel anything for any of them? Did they question why the same thing that just happened with us, happen with them?”
The corner of Will’s mouth lifts. “I lied, Corrine. If you didn’t notice, all the girls I’ve ever talked about dating were from other schools. They didn’t even exist. I made them all up. Except for one or two. We made out at parties. I called them, took them out, but again, nothing. I’m so sorry, Corrine. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I like you, and you’re a great friend to me. I just … I don’t feel that way about you, and as far as the sex part goes, I … I just can’t. It has nothing to do with you, it’s all me. Forgive me?”
“Will, this is who you are. There’s nothing to forgive you for, but you need to be true to yourself. If your family can’t accept you for who you are, then shame on them. You are a great person who deserves to be happy. Be happy, Will. Be with who makes you happy.”
We hug and he laughs for a moment.
“Jesus, Corrine, I’m still a virgin. I’m going to the freaking University of Miami as a virgin.”
I laugh right along with him. “We have two things in common then. We both like guys and we are both going to college as virgins.”
Will looks so regretful, and I try to ease his mind by telling him not to worry. I tell Will that sometimes in life we have to take chances. We have to do what makes us happy and surround ourselves with what makes us happy. Life is about taking chances. Life is about taking the leap of faith. The leap.
Damn Mack Cooper for drilling in my head his words of wisdom.
Damn him.
I convince Will to let me out of the car a few blocks away from my house. I know it’s late, but I like walking in the dark, sea air. It clears my mind. Especially tonight because my mind is nothing but a whirly, twirly mess. He argued with me about walking alone at night, and even though I feel awful for Will, I needed to get out of the car and just breathe and think.
A heavy feeling hangs within my heart. No one wants me. I’ll be a virgin when I get to college. I can’t even give a gay guy a hard on. Not that many women could. Will kept it a secret for so long. From his family, his friends. Everyone in his life. I find it so sad.
I reach my house and
I should be so exhausted I can’t see straight, but I’m not. I may be mentally, but as my mind still continues to turn its wheels, I know there’s no sleeping for me tonight. I know I’ll just toss and turn in that bed. I make my way to the back porch, first stealing an airplane sized bourbon from my dad’s stash. I plop on one of the Adirondack chairs and listen to the night crickets and the frogs that are out back by the water. It’s musical and the sounds are comforting. I take a swig from the bottle of bourbon and feel it burn my throat. I don’t usually drink liquor, but tonight’s events call for something a little stronger than a light beer. Then I do it. I cry into my hands. No, I don’t just cry. I sob. I fucking sob. I take another swig, then cry some more. I feel so damn sorry for myself that my pathetic excuse for being a girl who can’t get de-virginized has driven me to drink.
“What the hell are you doing out here?” I hear a disembodied voice in the night air, and it’s the last voice I want to hear. I look over to where the voice is coming from, and I see Mack in the light of the moon sitting in the same kind of chair, in the same position as I am on his back porch.
I turn my head around again, out towards the water. “What do you care?” I bite out. I swallow another sip of the alcohol and wipe my face. I don’t hear him again, but I hear the door of his back porch creek open and shut and I can feel his presence as he makes his way through the dewy grass and over the pebbled walkway that separates our homes. I point towards his house without even looking to address him.
“Don’t even bother, Mack. Leave me alone. I’m not in the mood for any of your crap. I don’t feel like fighting, and I don’t need to hear any of your arrogant smugness mixed with your teenage know-it-all attitude.” As soon as I raise the tiny bottle up to my lips, Mack snatches it and throws it far across the reeds until I hear it splash into the water.
I settle back in my chair with much exaggerated casualness.
“That’s considered littering by the county of Nassau. Therefore, subject to a hefty fine, which I would think you wouldn’t be able to pay due to your low-paying salary as a protector of our sacred beaches.”
