Leap

by M. R. Joseph

  “You do more than that, Corrine, and you know it. Don’t play the martyr.”

  Giorgio brings me another glass and stands there waiting to take our order, and I thank God for the slight interruption.

  We order and Giorgio takes Haven back in the kitchen to get a ball of pizza dough to play with.

  Of course I can’t let this go. Of course I can’t let Mack get away with calling me a martyr.

  “Know what, MacIntyre Cooper? I spend every day of my life helping you raise that girl. I have sacrificed so much of my own life to help you. I know it was my idea, but I’ve never played the martyr, nor do I even think of myself as that, so don’t accuse me again.”

  His expression softens. “Yeah, I know. Sorry if I sounded snappy. I’m just tired. I just didn’t expect this job to be so demanding with travel.”

  “I know but these are terrible times, Mack. The world is in disarray with this war. You’re doing something important. Covering these stories is your job and you do it well. That’s why they send you. Maybe you’ll get the Pulitzer for journalism.”

  He just smiles and stretches his arms above his head. He looks tired. The skin around those beautiful eyes look dark.

  “I’m going to go to my mom’s this weekend. You coming along?”

  I decide not to tell him that I have a date with Justin this weekend. So I lie.

  “Um, no. I have a photo shoot and some editing to do. You guys go on ahead. You haven’t seen your mom in a few weeks. She’ll love you guys staying for the weekend.”

  Haven skips back from the kitchen and plops on my lap. She places a napkin in my hand and opens it.

  “Look, Rinny. I made a dinosaur out of dough and they baked it for me.”

  “Oh, baby girl, that looks delicious. Are you going to eat it?”

  She shakes her head and her curls shake side to side.

  “No way. I’m going to keep it in my room forever.”

  I wrap my arms around the front of her and rock her back and forth kissing the side of her sweet little face.

  “Well, I think that’s a great idea. That way you can look at it every night before you go to bed. You did such a terrific job, kiddo.” She turns to me and kisses my cheek in return. I look up and find Mack staring at our exchange.

  “What?” I ask him smiling.

  The corner of his mouth rises and he shrugs.

  “Nothing. You two make quite the pair.”

  “She’s my best friend.”

  “I thought I was?”

  Haven cuts in.

  “Daddy, you’re a boy. Boys and girls can’t be best friends. Boys are gross.”

  Mack puts his hand over his heart acting hurt by her words.

  “So I’m gross?” Mack pretends to cry and Haven laughs.

  “No, you’re handsome and not gross, but boys and girls are boyfriends and girlfriends. Not best friends. But you should make her your girlfriend and then get married and she can be my mommy.”

  Mack’s posture stiffens, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. My skin tingles, and I feel a warmth creep up my chest to my throat, extending to my face. I must look ridiculous. I stutter out a shocked response.

  “Where did you come up with that idea, Haven?”

  “A girl at school said I didn’t have a mommy, and I told her I did, and it was you and she said I didn’t come from your belly so you’re not my mommy. I wanted to punch her.”

  “Haven,” Mack says to her with warning.

  “Sorry, Daddy. But she was mean. Why can’t Rinny be my mommy?”

  This precious child is getting smarter every day. She knows Veronica died because she was sick. We’ve hidden the truth, but how are we supposed to explain to her that I’ll never be her mom. I can’t say it doesn’t ache inside to know that someday Mack will marry someone else, and she’ll get to live with Haven and help Mack raise her. I’ll just be Rinny. There won’t be a label for me. Some other woman will probably adopt her and they’ll live a happy life. I don’t think I really thought about those possibilities until this moment. I haven’t had the time to think about it. Maybe, because in reality, I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to face it. We’ve been living like a family for the past six years. Doing Christmas and birthday present shopping for her. Attending parent/teacher conferences together. We potty-trained her, we’ve taken her to the doctors together, and celebrated her milestones together. I began to think of us as a family.

  But we’re not and it hurts.

  The answer to Haven’s question is ignored and, again, we dodged a bullet because our dinners have arrived. So we go back to being the pretend family and evade what this arrangement really is.

  I like Justin. Justin is smart, handsome, and educated. Justin likes me too. Justin is kissing me against my bedroom door right now. Cupping my breasts over my shirt and kissing me so deeply, I feel my head spinning and I feel myself growing wet with the anticipation that we’re going to have sex. My dry spell will be over, and I’ll be able to come without the aid of something that requires batteries. Justin’s tongue caresses mine, and we kiss hungrily. This is awesome. It feels good. I feel wanted.

  My hand finds the front of his pants, and I feel his need for me. His dick is hard, and I want it in me. Like now. It’s been so long, and I am very much ready. I want his hand to touch me where I need to be touched.

  We continue to kiss as we stumble into my bedroom and fall onto my bed. I straddle him and rub my center on him.

  “Corrine, you feel so damn good. I love your tits.”

  I mumble a thank you into his mouth as we continue to kiss. His hand slides to the waistband of my pants and he undoes the button. His hand reaches in, and I feel myself growing hotter and hotter because he’s almost to that spot. I roll my hips so his hand makes quicker contact. As soon as I feel his fingers slide into my panties, I moan and so does he.

  “Oh, shit, Corrine. So wet.” This I know. One finger slides in and I open my legs up a little more, feeling every sensation that a woman should feel from a man’s hands. Even though it feels so good, I could skip all this, climb on top of him, and fuck him right now and be perfectly satisfied. I’m not the normal twenty-five year old woman. I should be having sex frequently.

  Justin pulls his hands out of my pants, and even though I’m disappointed, that feeling doesn’t last long because he pulls my shirt over my head, and he looks down to what I think are a pretty ample set of tits if I must say so myself.

  Thanks, Mae, for the boobs.

  I stand up and pull down my pants, leaving just my tiny satin underwear. Justin kneels on the bed and pulls off his shirt. The man is sculpted like a Greek statue.

  “Corrine, you are so fucking beautiful. Come here.” I bite my smile down and make my way over to the bed. We kiss again with that same escalating need. Lips meeting lips, tongues meeting tongues, and hands traveling everywhere on each other’s bodies. His pants are off and we’re grinding on each other. The pressure of his bulging dick against me makes me want to come right now. But I’ll wait till he gets me off.

  He nips at my neck and my ear, and we roll around on the bed. Hot breaths and sounds of pleasure invade the room, and I hear my name being called. But it’s not Justin. And besides, he doesn’t call me Rinny. Only two people in the world do.

  “Rinny, what are you doing, wrestling?” I scramble away from Justin and grab a pillow to cover myself up as I realize it’s Haven. I throw another pillow at Justin to cover up. I can hear Mack calling for Haven from down the hallway.

  “Haven, I don’t think Rinny is here. She had to …” Mack reaches the doorway of my room and drops his jaw as he grabs Haven’s eyes to shield her.

  “What the hell, Corrine!”

  I scream, “Close the door, Mack. Now!”

  Mack pulls Haven away and slams my door shut. My hands automatically go to my face and all I can say is oh, my God. This really isn’t happening. This is a nightmare and I pray when I open my eyes, Justin will laugh a
nd brush it off.

  “Justin, I am so sorry. They weren’t supposed to be home until tomorrow.”

  He gets up and starts to dress and doesn’t seem too bothered.

  “Stuff happens. We can pick this up again another time.” I hurry to put on my shirt and pants as Mack storms back into the room.

  “Corrine, get dressed and get him the fuck out of my house, now.” His fingers flex at his sides, and even in the dimly lit room, I can see the veins in his neck bulge and twitch from anger.

  Justin’s hand goes up to ask Mack to calm down. “Listen, let’s all relax. I’m leaving.”

  “You bet your ass you’re leaving.”

  I walk over to Mack once I’m done dressing.

  “Don’t talk to my guest like that. He’s leaving, okay? Jesus Christ, Mack.”

  “What’s he doing here anyway, Corrine? We just had this conversation a few days ago. Did you forget?”

  Heat surges through my veins boiling my blood because he’s talking to me like I’m some child. I’m not his child. I’m not his anything.

  “I didn’t forget; you weren’t supposed to be here! You asked me not to have dates over if you and Haven were here, but you weren’t coming home till tomorrow.”

  “Haven has a fever and didn’t feel good.” I roll my eyes and throw my hands up, not understanding why he couldn’t take care of her by himself or have Jocelyn help him.

  “Can’t you handle a fever by yourself, Mack? I deal with it all the time when you’re off in some other country. I’m there when she pukes, or when she loses a tooth, or when she has a nightmare. Where are you when those things happen?”

  “I’m working, Corrine.” His voice booms and it scares me for a moment. He glares at me with nostrils flaring. He never yells like this, and I’m afraid Haven will hear him. “So as soon as we leave, this is what you do? Act like a slut?” I push against his chest without delay. He stumbles a bit. It happens so quickly, and it doesn’t even affect Mack. It’s like it doesn’t even happen.

  “And we’re back because she was crying she wanted you. So that’s what I get for leaving for work all the time. I have a kid who wants my friend and not her father. How do you think that feels?”

  Justin grabs his wallet and keys from my end table. “I better go, Corrine.”

  Mack shoves him for no reason.

  “Yeah, you better.”

  Justin comes nose to nose with Mack but doesn’t touch him.

  “Don’t touch me, man. I’m leaving and, from what I can see, Corrine is a grown woman and doesn’t need a lecture from you.

  “You don’t know anything about this. It’s our business. Get out of my house before I throw you out.” Venom laces Mack’s voice.

  Justin knows there’s a child in this apartment so he concedes and walks out the door without a backwards glance. And it’s just us.

  There’s a silent war raging between us and an overwhelming need of escaping comes over me. I turn away from Mack and go to my closet. I pull out my suitcase and a duffel bag and begin shoving everything I can into them both. I don’t even know what I’m throwing in, but I know I can’t get out of here fast enough. I need to get as far away from him as possible.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” I ignore his question until Mack pulls the duffel bag away and flings it across the room, the contents spilling out onto the floor. I do my best not to cry because I’m so angry, but it doesn’t work.

  This isn’t working.

  “I’m leaving. I can’t live this way. I can’t allow you to treat me like you’re my father. I have a father.”

  I run over to my bag and start putting everything back in. My tears come and blind me, and I can hardly see what I’m doing.

  “You can’t go. You can’t leave her.”

  I stand, swinging my bag over my shoulder. I look through my purse to make sure I have my wallet, keys, and anything else I may need.

  “I’m not leaving her. I’m leaving this situation. It’s not healthy.”

  As I go into my bathroom to collect a few things, he follows me in still looking angry. I don’t fucking care.

  “You’re her father. You can handle it. You have the control, Mack. You’re always in control no matter what.”

  I try to get by, but he blocks me when I attempt to exit.

  “Yes, I have control. Unlike you who can’t even keep her legs shut as soon as we leave this apartment.”

  I bow my head. He’s angry. I’m angry, and there’s no sense in arguing or taking to heart what he says. I’m not a slut. If I were, it wouldn’t have taken me a year and a half to almost have sex with someone I thought might have been worth it.

  “Go to hell, Mack.” I push past him, grab my remaining things and set out down the hallway. I reach the front door of the apartment and feel something on my leg.

  Looking down, I realize it’s Haven holding on for dear life.

  “Rinny, where are you going? Why are you and Daddy yelling? Please don’t go, Rinny.”

  She’s crying, and I don’t know how to stop it. For the first time since this child was an infant, I don’t know how to comfort her. I can’t tell her everything will be okay because I don’t know what is happening or what tomorrow is going to bring.

  I crouch down to her level and take her by her shoulders.

  “Listen to me, baby. I have to go on a trip for work. Daddy and I were just talking loudly. Not fighting. I’ll see you soon, okay? Promise me you’ll be a good girl?” She just cries and it breaks my heart, but I can’t stay here with him.

  “Haven Hope, look at me. Promise me you’ll be good for your dad.”

  She nods and I feel her forehead. She’s very warm. She’s sick, and I’m leaving her. Am I some kind of monster? I vowed never to leave her, never to disappoint her, but I am. I’m hurting her. Mack stands there a few feet away from us. A blank expression on his face as he watches Haven cry. I kiss her gently on the top of her head and look at him.

  “Children’s fever medicine is in the top left cabinet. Give her two teaspoons every six hours. Call the doctor if she’s no better by tomorrow. The number is on the fridge.” He says nothing. What is there even left to say? I walk out the door and leave the two people I love most in this world because I can’t live with the two people I love most. We’re a pseudo family.

  Fake.

  Pretend.

  Imaginary.

  I’m not going to do this to myself any longer. I’ll always be there for Haven, but living with someone you love—that you’re actually trying to stop being in love with is an impossibility.

  I hail a cab outside our building and the cab driver helps me put my bags in the trunk. I can’t think straight when he asks me where to. Where am I going? Where do I go? I don’t want to go back to Long Island and be subjected to my mother’s millions of questions. I don’t want to be bothered with any of it. She’ll get Jocelyn involved, and my dad and it will be a shit storm. I’ll have to deal with it sooner or later, but just not tonight.

  I tell the driver to take me to a hotel close to my office. This way I don’t have to take the subway. I pray there’s a room available when I arrive.

  I lean my head against the window of the cab and look out onto the busy streets of Manhattan. The lights and the sounds are as bright as ever. The people and the traffic busy as usual. Nothing about this city ever changes, but tonight I’m sure my life has changed. I think about how I allowed it to get this bad.

  But it hurts to think. No more thinking tonight.

  It’s like a divorce. This feels like a divorce. We live apart but there’s one thing that’s keeping us in each other’s lives. A little girl.

  Somewhat.

  It’s only been a month and I’m still trying to get used to my privacy with living alone. I’ve never lived alone. I’m not sure I’m a fan of it, but he left me with no choice.

  Our conversations are short and to the point. When I call her, he answers. My patience for him is even shorter. He sounds
so serious. Like he’s mad at me for something. The pretend politeness irritates me like a rash. It oozes sweetness but nestled underneath it’s rotting like fruit. He is the creator of this mass destruction. It’s almost as though our conversations are scripted.

  “Hello, Mack.”

  “Hello, Corrine.”

  “May I speak to Haven, please?”

  “Yes, let me get her for you.”

  Same conversation, just a different day.

  I ask my girl how gymnastics class was, what she had for dinner, and my favorite, which scented bubble bath she used that night.

  See, that was our thing. She’s like me, a tomboy who likes girly things. Every week I’d go to our favorite store and buy her a new travel-size scent of something. Mack always wanted to kill me because their bathroom was over-run with girly, fruity scents. I didn’t care. He really didn’t either. He felt outnumbered in a cute way.

  She asks me why I don’t come home. I told her I needed to be on my own for a little while. She doesn’t understand. I don’t fully understand myself. Owen went and got a few things I left behind when he came to town. I just couldn’t go back. For fear I’d see all the pictures of us hanging on the walls and Haven’s art projects from school adorning the refrigerator. I would be so afraid I’d cave and go back. But I can’t. Not after the things Mack said. Not after what he witnessed. It’s too awkward. After I called Owen to tell him I moved out, he offered his help. Anything I needed, he would be there for me. I didn’t want him to be involved, but we’re friends and he is Haven’s Godfather. He made himself involved when he offered.

  I meet Owen for dinner after he went to the apartment. He told me Mack didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about me. Owen just said Mack was worried about Haven.

  He’s not the only one.

  I order a cucumber mojito. Actually, I order a few. There’s no reason for me to be sober tonight when I go home. There isn’t a child I have to be on my toes for.

  Owen smirks and chews on a toothpick. He eases back in his chair and shakes his head when he notices how quickly the fresh drink our waitress just brought me is about gone.