Call Waiting

by Dianne Blacklock

  Ally considered the tray. Canapés. What a fucking stupid name. She couldn’t go back in there. Rob was watching her. He understood.

  “Ally, get out of here,” he said gently.

  “No, I shouldn’t…”

  “Go, just go. It’ll be okay.”

  He was right. She hurried out of the kitchen, through the laundry and onto the verandah.

  Now she could breathe. The cold air hit her lungs and she gasped, sobbing. She ran down the stairs and past all the cars parked in rows along the grass. She ran through the windbreak of trees and into the depths of the garden.

  “Ally!”

  She turned around. It was Matt. She wiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hand.

  “I thought no one would find me here,” she said as he approached her.

  “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

  Ally hesitated. Part of her wanted to say yes, but Lillian would never be so impolite. So she just shrugged, and started walking slowly on through the trees. Matt walked a step behind her, keeping his distance, saying nothing.

  They came to an enormous wisteria arbour that formed a protected circle underneath. Ally looked up at the knotted, twisted branches, devoid of their beautiful purple fronds, of leaves, of any signs of life. She started to pace around the circle. Matt leaned against a post, watching her.

  “What do you expect me to say?” she said after a while.

  “I don’t expect you to say anything.”

  She sighed, still pacing. “I just couldn’t take it anymore, in there. All those people, waiting to be fed, reciting all their stupid clichés, like human Hallmark greeting cards.”

  “What would you rather they did?”

  “I don’t know! How am I supposed to know? When Nan died, we just went home.”

  She sat down on a wooden bench, wiping more tears away with her hands.

  “Have you got a cigarette?” she asked suddenly.

  “No, I don’t smoke.”

  “Never mind.”

  “I didn’t realize you smoked?”

  “I don’t. It just seemed like the thing to do.”

  He caught her eye, and she smiled despite herself. He smiled back at her.

  “Will this do instead?” said Matt, holding up a bottle of wine and two glasses. “When I saw you nicking off, I thought you might need a drink.”

  “Bloody good idea.”

  He handed her a glass and she held it out as he poured the wine. He sat at the other end of the bench and filled his own glass, then rested the bottle between them.

  Ally sipped her wine. “I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this.”

  “What?”

  “Bereavement.” She sighed deeply. “I just can’t believe she’s gone. Everyone’s gone now.”

  “It must feel like that, so soon after losing your grandfather.”

  “It’s not just a feeling.” Ally looked at him sideways. “There really is no one else. No distant relatives, third or fourth cousins, no benevolent uncle … no one. Zilch. I am completely without ‘next of kin.’”

  “What about your mother?”

  “What about her?” Ally muttered dryly. “If she’s still alive, she’s probably so out of it that she’d be lucky to know her own name, let alone mine.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, according to Lillian, the last time anyone saw her she was a half-crazed junkie.”

  “When was that?”

  “At Nan’s funeral. I was twelve.”

  “Oh yes, you mentioned that.”

  Ally looked at him, frowning.

  “When you told me your name,” Matt explained, smiling faintly.

  “Oh, right,” she nodded. “But I didn’t know any of this then. I didn’t know anything.” Ally felt tears rising again in the back of her throat, and she gulped down a few mouthfuls of wine.

  Matt leaned over with the bottle to refill her glass.

  “Thanks,” she said lamely.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “What, bore you to tears with the story of my life?”

  “I’ve got nothing better to do.”

  She smiled weakly at him. “There’s not that much to tell. Only that everything I ever believed about my family wasn’t true.”

  Matt frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, apparently my grandfather was a wonderful man who gave up everything to try and save his wayward daughter. They lived in that hovel in the valley for all those years all because of her. And she ran out on them in the end anyway.”

  “When she left you?”

  “No, she ruined their lives first, ran off, and then came back with me, I don’t know, it must have been four or five years later.”

  “So then what happened?”

  “She was hopelessly addicted to drugs, heroin apparently. They did everything they could to help her, yet again. Until they woke up one day and she was gone. She’d taken whatever cash she could find, and the only decent jewelery Nan owned. Anything of value.” Ally knocked back the rest of her glass. “Of course, she left me behind.”

  Matt didn’t say anything. She looked at him.

  “Pretty appalling, eh?”

  He shrugged. “Drugs make people do appalling things. It sounds like leaving you with your grandparents was the best thing she could have done for you.”

  “That’s what Lillian said.” Ally stood up and started to pace around the circle again, her feet crunching on the gravel. “And I know I’m supposed to feel grateful in some way, or relieved, something like that. I’m alive, I’m healthy, I have an education.”

  She paced some more. “But all I feel is … ripped off.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “It’s bad enough to be abandoned by your own mother, but then to feel that he resented me, that I was in the way…”

  “Are you talking about James?

  Ally nodded.

  “I always thought he loved you very much. That’s what he made out.”

  “Oh, sure!” Ally exclaimed, stopping to look at Matt. “Everyone else knew, he told everyone but me.”

  He thought for a moment. “Maybe it was hard for him, a man of his generation, you know, to express his feelings.”

  “I don’t care!” she cried. “I went through my teenage years with a sullen, distant man, feeling like I was a burden. He should have told me.”

  “He probably wished he had.”

  Ally felt the lump rising up in her chest again. “Well it’s a bit late now.”

  She stood for a while at the edge of the arbour, looking out into the garden, now in darkness.

  “We should go back, I suppose,” she said eventually.

  They started to walk slowly in the direction of the house.

  “What are you going to do now?” Matt asked.

  Ally shrugged. “Put on a false smile, until they all go home.”

  “No, I mean…” He seemed to be choosing his words. “… after all this.”

  “Oh,” she nodded, realizing what he was getting at. “Richard asked me to stay until Birchgrove is sold. I’ll have to extend my leave into second term, but that shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “What if the buyer asks you to stay on, as manager?”

  “I doubt they would, not once they see my credentials,” she said wryly. “I don’t think I could do it anyway. I wouldn’t want to stay here under another owner. This has belonged to Lillian for as long as I’ve known her. It wouldn’t feel right.”

  They walked along farther.

  “So will you go back to Sydney?” Matt asked tentatively.

  Ally glanced at him. “I really don’t know.” She sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  Watsons Bay

  “So has Ally made any plans yet?” Chris was asking.

  Meg had been worried about her since the call came last week that Lillian had passed away. She offered to go down for the funeral, but of course Ally told her not to concern herself
. She hated being fussed over. Meg was probably the closest friend Ally had, and she didn’t even know what was going on inside her most of the time.

  Meg shrugged. “I feel so sorry for her.” Which she knew Ally would hate. “I mean, she has no one, no relatives.”

  “She has us.”

  Meg smiled at him. “That’s what I told her. She’ll probably have to end up coming back to Sydney. I said she was welcome to stay here, at least until she finds a place. That’s okay with you, isn’t it?”

  “Of course it is.” Chris drained his cup and walked into the kitchen. “What are your plans for the day?”

  Meg gave him a wry smile. “Oh, it’s a big one! I’m going up to the Junction. I need to go to the bank, pay a few bills, you know, exciting stuff like that.”

  “There’d be travel agents at Bondi Junction?”

  “I imagine so. Why?”

  “I’ve been meaning to pick up some brochures, so we can start planning our trip. It’s a bit pointless putting in for holidays until we decide where we want to go, you know, to get the best time of the year. There’s a lot to consider.”

  Meg sighed inwardly. Once upon a time, and not all that long ago, she would have taken to the task with relish. She’d have a specially labeled folder full of brochures, sorted alphabetically and marked throughout with yellow stick-it notes and highlighter pen. They would have narrowed it down to probably three options, and in another labeled folder Meg would have made lists of the pros and cons of each destination, using a rating system—so many points for facilities, costs and so on. They would have been close to making a decision, with just a little more research.

  And all Jamie did was pick a spot on the globe and go. Just like that.

  “Earth to Meg?” Chris was trying to get her attention.

  “Sorry, daydreaming.”

  “Well, if you do see a travel agent, pick up some brochures so we can stop daydreaming and start planning.” He kissed her on the top of the head. “I’ll see you tonight.”

  She sat for a while after Chris left, staring into space. It was not until Harrison toddled in and tugged on her dressing gown that she roused herself. She’d been doing that a lot lately. Finding herself staring vacantly at the computer screen at work, wondering what it was she was supposed to be doing.

  Meg decided to ignore the morning’s chores, they’d still be there when she got home. She dressed Harrison and herself in whatever was at hand, and drove up to Bondi Junction, parking in the plaza station.

  The bank and the post office were reasonably entertaining outings for Harrison, up to a point. There was usually a kiddies’ corner, with blocks and a few scungy toys that amused him temporarily. After that, there were deposit slips to scribble on, as well as stamps on the hand from friendly tellers. Meg could count on an hour, tops, to get through anything essential before he’d start to get restless. After that it became an exercise in negotiation.

  “If you’re a good boy while Mummy looks in this shop, I’ll get you a treat.”

  Meg had given up shopping for clothes with Harry since he’d started to walk, particularly after the incident in David Jones when he wandered out of the dressing rooms. She had to run through the store in a backless evening dress, setting off the alarm when she dashed out though the entrance to reach him just before he stepped onto the escalator.

  Today Harrison had already been bribed with a banana muffin. He’d half eaten, and half decimated the Vegemite sandwich Meg had packed for him, and he’d spilt juice down the front of himself. It was time to go. Meg was pushing the stroller back toward the plaza, when she passed a travel agent. She backed up, staring through the window.

  “Go, Mama,” came Harrison’s voice from the front of the stroller. It would be pointless attempting to make any inquiries now.

  “Just a minute,” she said vaguely, gazing at the posters.

  “Meg?”

  She turned around, startled. Jamie was standing there, smiling broadly at her.

  “Fancy meeting you here.”

  “Well, I only live up the road, I mean, you know, Watsons Bay,” she stammered. There was a woman standing beside him. She couldn’t have been twenty and she was stunning. Blond and leggy and young, so young! She was wearing a hipster skirt and a superior expression. Why had Meg dressed so suburban mumsy today?

  “This is Taylor,” Jamie explained, probably because Meg was staring at her. They nodded warily at each other. She had a surname for a first name. She really was young.

  “So where are you off to?” Jamie asked.

  “Sorry?”

  He nodded at the travel agent’s window.

  “Oh, nowhere. Just thinking about it.”

  He smiled at her. “You’ve got to do it, Meg, not just think about it.”

  Easy for him to say.

  “You want to get a coffee or something?”

  No. She wanted him to go away with his twelve year old girlfriend and leave her to wallow in her middle-aged mediocrity.

  Harrison craned his head around the side of the stroller. “Go, Mama!”

  “Sorry, he’s had enough today, I have to get going.”

  Jamie just looked at her.

  “So, I’ll see you,” she said brightly. She took off like she was late for a train. Well, that was embarrassing. Imagine asking her for coffee! It would have looked like they were taking their favorite aunty out for a treat.

  She made for the entrance to the plaza and navigated the stroller through the throng coming out. It was lunchtime and the volume of people had suddenly swelled.

  “Hey, Meg! Hang on!”

  She swung around. Jamie was weaving through the crowd toward her. Meg pulled the stroller out of the way and stood waiting for him.

  “Are you on your way home?” he asked when he got to her.

  She nodded.

  “I couldn’t bludge a lift, could I? Down to Bondi?”

  She shrugged. “Sure. The car’s in the parking station.”

  They started to walk through the mall, in the direction of the carpark.

  “Where’s your girlfriend?” Meg said eventually.

  “Who?” Jamie frowned. “You mean Taylor? She’s not my girlfriend.” He grinned, shaking his head. “She’s a bit young. She’s just my mate’s little sister.”

  “Oh,” Meg swallowed. That was a relief. She wished she knew how old Jamie was. She really wanted to know whether she was totally pathetic, or just a little pathetic.

  When they got to the car, Meg stopped the stroller and came around to lift Harrison out.

  “Hi scupper,” Jamie said to him.

  Harrison frowned and buried his head into Meg’s shoulder, peering out at Jamie uncertainly.

  “Dat man, mama?” he asked, pointing at him.

  “This is Jamie. Say hello.” Harrison didn’t respond. “Sorry, he’s not usually this shy.”

  Jamie shrugged. “I don’t have a lot to do with kids. I wouldn’t know what was normal.”

  Meg strapped Harry into his car seat, collapsed the stroller and packed it in the boot. They got in, and she manoeuvred the car up the levels and out onto the street.

  “I hate driving around here,” Meg said, thinking aloud. “Between the bus drivers, who act like they own the road, and couriers whizzing all over the place, it’s a nightmare.”

  “So I take it you didn’t grow up around here?”

  Meg shook her head. “No, I’m from Queensland.”

  “A banana bender?”

  “Oh, that’s original.”

  Jamie grinned. “So how long have you lived in Sydney?”

  Meg thought for a moment. “It’d be sixteen, seventeen years now.”

  “So you were only a girl when you moved?”

  “Flatterer.”

  “Seriously?”

  “I came to Sydney to go to college.”

  “By yourself?”

  Meg nodded.

  “So you do have a bit of the adventurer in you?”

 
; She shrugged. “I don’t know how adventurous it was. Everything was all organized before I left. I had a place to stay, a part-time job.”

  “What? Your parents were worried?”

  “Mm.” Worried they’d have to fend for themselves. Meg remembered the shock on her mother’s face the day she left, even though she’d told her repeatedly of her plans.

  “But Megan, you know your father hasn’t got a job at the moment. We count on your board to help with the rent.”

  “I’ve paid next month’s rent for you in advance, Mum, and there are no other bills outstanding at the moment. Electricity is due on the twenty-second though. You have to pay attention to what comes in the mail from now on, Mum.”

  “I really think you should just postpone this trip, Megan, it’s not the best time.”

  “It’s not a trip, Mum, I’m going to college.”

  “But there are plenty of good colleges up here, why do you have to go away?”

  “Because I have to, Mum.”

  “So, how was New Zealand?” Meg asked Jamie, changing the subject.

  “It was great, you should have come.”

  Meg smiled, shaking her head. “Of course, I’m the woman with all the choices!” she declared. “Free as a bird.” She pulled up at traffic lights as they turned orange. She glanced across at Jamie. He was looking at her curiously. “What?”

  “Are you happy, Meg?”

  She frowned at him. “That’s a deep question.”

  “Well?” he persisted.

  She shrugged. “Sure.”

  “I mean really happy?”

  Meg breathed out heavily. “I don’t know, Jamie. At times I’m really happy. I think it’s probably more important to be content.”

  “So are you content?”

  She’d walked right into that one. The lights changed, and Meg drove across the intersection. “Is there anywhere in particular you want me to drop you?”

  He shook his head. “Just keep going right into Bondi.” He shifted sideways in his seat, facing Meg. “What would you like to do if you could do anything?”