Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories

by Pat Flynn

  ‘What? You can’t do that, Ash. It’s all a big misunderstanding …’

  I stop because I can hear more talking on the other end of the line. I don’t think she’s listening.

  ‘Hang on a sec, Tone,’ she says. ‘Devo wants to talk to you. I hope we’ll still be friends.’

  ‘No, wait!’

  But it’s no use. Devo comes on the line. ‘Rossy,’ he says loudly, ‘I just wanted to say no hard feelings, all right?’

  Okay, get it together, I think. Here’s another chance to make things right.

  I hear footsteps and Devo whispers excitedly, ‘I really just wanted to say thanks, mate. That thing we talked about worked like a charm. Anything you want, any favour at all, and I’ll do it for you.’

  ‘Okay,’ I say quickly. ‘I want you to break up with Ashleigh. Right now. It was all a big mistake. I want her back.’

  He chuckles. ‘Yeah, good one, mate. I’ll see ya at school.’

  ‘Wait!’

  The phone goes dead.

  An empty feeling spreads through my insides. I can’t believe it. I’ve been dumped.

  That’s so wrong.

  I lie on my bed and stuff a pillow over my head. How can she do this after everything I’ve done for her? I think of all our good times and my eyes start to water. Not because I’m crying, but because of the pillow. It smells disgusting.

  Simon.

  I can get revenge later. For now I have to fix my girlfriend problem. The more I think, the more I realise that there’s only one way.

  It’s straight across the road. To a place I know well.

  In fact, I’m going to hot-tail it there right now.

  If things work out, I’ll be kissing Lacey by lunchtime.

  New Girl

  I knock three times. This. Will. Work.

  I hope.

  While I wait, I take a whiff under the old armpits. Now I’m turning from a boy into a man I’m starting to stink it up, especially after exercise, and I ran all the way here.

  Luckily, I smell good. My little bro wasn’t around so I stole some of his expensive deodorant. He doesn’t need it, anyway. He hasn’t even begun puberty – he’s still waiting for hair to grow in places other than his head. Not that I go around looking.

  No one’s answering so I ring the doorbell. It plays a little song and I sing along in my head. ‘Ro-ssy wants a new girlfriend, new girlfriend, new girlfriend. Ro-ssy wants a new girlfriend, her name is La-cey.’

  I can hear movement and someone fiddles with the knob. Hopefully, it’s not Kane. I’m not sure I want to tell him that I’m here to make a move on his lovely little sister.

  The door swings open and I’m in luck. Even in an old T-shirt and a pair of shorts, she looks cute.

  ‘Rossy?’ She seems surprised to see me.

  ‘In the flesh.’

  ‘Are you here to see Kane?’

  ‘Nah. You.’

  A question mark appears on her face.

  It’s time for my best hangdog look. ‘Ash and I just broke up,’ I sniff. ‘I really need someone to talk to.’

  Her mouth falls opens and she looks even more surprised. Maybe she can’t believe her luck? ‘Oh, you poor thing,’ she finally says. ‘Come in.’

  I expect to be led to her bedroom but instead she takes me to her dad’s study. Luckily, he’s not in there. We sit facing each other on matching office chairs.

  ‘What happened?’ she asks, putting a comforting hand on my leg.

  ‘Well, it’s a long story.’

  And it is. After deciding to split up with my girlfriend, her crazy ex threatened to break my bones if I hurt her feelings, so I spent weeks trying to sneakily convince her to break up with me. However, I changed my mind about the whole plan when we started seeing lip to lip on the O’Connors’ couch last night. Then, this morning, she dumped me. It hurts pretty bad, and the only thing that will make it hurt less is being kissed better by the girl in front of me.

  Of course, I can’t tell Lacey any of this. I act sad again. ‘Can we talk about it later? Right now I just need a hug.’

  ‘Oh, you poor baby. Sure.’ We stand and wrap our arms around each other. Her body is warm and tight against mine.

  She pulls back, her arms still around my waist. ‘So … you’re single now?’

  ‘Yep.’

  She lets go and steps back. ‘How do you feel about that?’

  I run a hand through my hair. ‘Well, kinda sad. Ash and I had something special, you know?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s too bad.’

  The time has come to make my move. ‘But I also feel like it’s a new beginning. That maybe there’s someone else out there who’ll be the one.’ I look into her eyes.

  She looks right back. ‘I’m sure you’re right.’

  This is going perfectly.

  ‘Rossy,’ she says quietly, ‘there’s something I need to tell you.’

  I’m pretty sure she’s going to say that she wants to pash me.

  ‘I like you,’ she says. ‘I really do.’

  ‘I like me … I mean you, too.’ I take a step closer.

  ‘It’s just that …’ She gives a nervous giggle. ‘It’s just … No, I can’t tell you. I’ve got to show you. Come to my room.’

  ‘Cool.’

  As we climb the stairs I wonder what she’s going to show me. I hope it’s not her Bratz doll collection.

  That’d be bad. As we’re pashing, I’d imagine those bug-eyed spoilt Bratz taking pictures of me with their tiny mobile phones. Or maybe they’ll be holding little knives in their hands …

  I snap into reality when Lacey pushes open her bedroom door. Well, I snap into something, because what I’m seeing can’t be real. There’s a Bratz doll, all right, but it’s in the hand of my little bro, Simon. And he’s got a Barbie in the other.

  ‘Oh, Simon,’ says Barbie. ‘You’re so hot. I’m going to marry you.’

  ‘No, you’re not!’ replies the Bratz doll. ‘I’m marrying Simon.’

  ‘Yeah? Let’s fight about him.’

  He makes sound effects as the two dolls slap each other. ‘Uh. Oooh. Eeek!’

  Lacey clears her throat. Simon looks up, sees us, and throws the dolls on the floor. ‘G’day,’ he says in his lowest voice.

  Lacey smiles. ‘Having fun, little Rossy?’

  There’s a sheepish look on his face. ‘I was just working on the role-play part of our presentation.’

  ‘Yeah, sure.’ She giggles.

  I don’t make a smart-alec comment, which isn’t like me. I’m still dealing with the fact that he’s here. I know he and Lacey are study buddies, but I really don’t need him around right now. Not when I’m about to get some lip action.

  I get an idea. ‘Hey, Simon? Dad said he wants you home straightaway.’

  ‘Yeah? What for?’

  ‘Ummm … he has to give you a talk.’

  ‘About what?’ he says.

  ‘You know. The talk.’

  ‘About sex?’ Lacey cuts in. ‘Haven’t you had that ages ago?’

  Simon shakes his head. ‘Dad keeps putting it off. He still hasn’t talked to Tony so I don’t know why he wants to do me first. Probably because I’m more mature.’

  Lacey looks my way. ‘You haven’t had the sex talk?’

  ‘I don’t need it,’ I say casually. ‘I know everything.’

  ‘Really?’ she says. ‘How long does an average girl’s cycle last?’

  ‘Hmmm.’ I hope this isn’t a trick question. ‘Well, it depends on how fit she is.’

  Lacey looks at me strangely. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, if she’s really fit she’ll cycle a long way. But if she’s not fit at all she’ll only go a few k’s before she gives up.’

  Simon sniggers.


  ‘What are you laughing at, Bratz boy?’ I say. ‘At least I’ve got facial hair.’

  ‘No, you don’t,’ he says. ‘You’ve got bum-fluff on your cheeks.’

  Lacey butts in. ‘Enough, you two. Maybe you should go home, little Rossy. I have to talk to big Rossy about something, anyway.’

  Yeah, I think. She has to give me a tour of her mouth.

  Simon gets up. ‘All right. I’ll see you later then, baby cakes.’

  I wonder who he’s talking to – the Bratz or the Barbie.

  Lacey answers. ‘You sure will, my little chicken licken.’

  What the …?

  As Simon walks past Lacey, he stops. He leans towards her, lips first.

  What’s he doing? He really does need the sex talk from Dad. He’s about to get himself whacked in the mouth for sexual abusement.

  Lacey leans in and smacks him. Not with her hand, though. With her lips.

  I repeat: What the …?

  Simon gives me a smirk. ‘Catch ya later, big bro. And remind me to talk to you about periods and stuff. Girls like it if you can chart their cycle. Then you know when to be extra nice.’

  He gives me a wink, and walks out.

  When he’s gone I blow my top. ‘What was that?’

  She sighs. ‘That’s what I wanted to show you. I thought you were never going to break up with Ashleigh, and Simon and I started hanging out together and …’

  ‘Tell me you’re not going out with my little bro!’

  She bites her lip. ‘I’m going out with your little brother. We’ve been an official couple for …’ She looks at her Bratz watch ‘… eighteen hours.’

  ‘I asked you not to tell me that!’

  My head won’t stop shaking – like it’s watching a tennis match. I need a plan. Quickly.

  Luckily, I come up with two. ‘Okay,’ I say, ‘you can either dump him, or I’ll kill him for you.’

  She gives a nervous giggle. ‘Sorry, but no. We’ve just got together and I think he deserves a fair chance. I would’ve done the same thing for you.’

  ‘But he’s … he’s Simon!’

  ‘So? I must admit I’ve always liked you more, but now I’ve got to know him … He’s funny, sweet and a great kisser.’

  I cover my face with my hands. ‘Too much information!’

  This has to be the equal worst day of my life. The other was when my ex-girlfriend threw up while we were kissing. In my mouth.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she says. ‘Do you want to talk about anything?’

  ‘Yeah. I want to tell you something.’

  She waits.

  ‘I want to tell you that … your new boyfriend still sleeps with his teddy.’

  And then I walk out.

  *

  Normally Kane likes headbangin’ music like me, but when I poke my head into his room, the tune seeping out of his stereo is soft and slow.

  ‘Kane, it’s me. Rossy.’

  He doesn’t answer so I go in. He’s lying on his bed wearing jeans and a going-out shirt, but it looks like they’ve doubled as pyjamas. There’s a glazed look on his face.

  ‘What’s happening?’ I ask.

  ‘Not much.’ He picks up a CD. ‘Oh, except I just got DUMPED!’

  He chucks the CD like a frisbee and it ricochets off the wall and nearly hits me in the head.

  ‘Whoa! Calm down, big fella.’

  I put a hand over my mouth so he can’t see me smirking. The Kanester is always the dumper, not the dumpee. It’s about time he found out what it’s like on the other side.

  ‘When did it happen?’ I ask.

  ‘Last night. I took Astrid to mini-golf and she ended it on the fifth.’

  ‘Dumped on the course, huh? That’s rough. Did you finish the round?’

  ‘Nah. I was sitting at two under as well.’

  ‘That really sucks.’

  He takes out another CD and this one flies through the open window.

  I watch it soar. ‘Why’d she do it?’ I ask.

  He shakes his head. ‘Don’t know, exactly. But I reckon she was mad that I beat her in that poetry comp. It’s tough being good.’ He throws a shoe this time. It hits the wall with a bang.

  I pick up the shoe and toss it back. ‘If it makes you feel any better, I got dumped, too. Ash is going out with Devo again.’

  It’s quiet for a bit.

  I listen to the song. There’s a line about how love is like chocolate, and if you eat too much it’ll make you sick.

  ‘Chicks,’ says Kane. ‘We’re better off without them.’

  ‘You got that right.’ We’re quiet again.

  ‘Love is like Santa Claus,’ the girl sings. ‘When you stop believing, it ceases to exist.’

  Kane sits up. ‘You going to that monster truck show tomorrow night?’

  ‘Wouldn’t mind,’ I say. ‘Devo gave me some cash so I can afford it.’

  ‘And I’ve got the dosh from the poetry comp.’ He looks at me. ‘You know what, I’ve got an idea.’

  ‘Yeah. What?’ Kane’s full of good ideas, just like me. It’s just that his seem to work out more often than mine.

  ‘Let’s go there together. On a date.’

  Geez! He must have meant it when he said we’d be better off without chicks. I cough, eyeing the door. ‘Uhh … sorry, mate. I like you as a mate and all, but I’m not like that.’

  He throws the shoe at me. ‘I don’t mean on a date with you, dimwit! I mean, let’s buy four tickets and find two girls to go with us.’

  ‘Yeah? Sounds good.’

  Another pause.

  ‘But where do we find two girls?’ I say.

  He smiles. ‘I’m thinking about cruising the plaza today. You in?’

  I smile back. Guys like us go to the shops for one reason and one reason only. Girls are there.

  ‘You bet,’ I say.

  *

  We get a free bus ride by flashing old tickets. After we make ourselves comfortable on the back seat, Kane asks if he can use my mobile because his battery is dead.

  I’m about to tell him I don’t have one when I remember that Belinda gave me one of her hand-me-downs last week. It was a gift she didn’t want anymore because the boy who gave it to her kept sending her depressing texts after she dumped him. ‘Besides,’ she said, ‘hot pink is so last season.’

  I don’t care what colour it is. I’m now connected to the world – when I remember to bring it, that is. I check my pocket and feel a lump. It’s the phone.

  I switch it on and am about to hand it to Kane when I notice that there are two new text messages. Both from Ashleigh. The first says:

  I check the time of the message. It was sent last night, right after our date. The one where we kissed for hours. Our last one before she dropped me like a ton of bricks.

  When I open the next message, the first thing I do is check the time it was sent. An hour ago, which was after our break-up. I feel a pang of hope. Maybe Ash has changed her mind?

  I read it.

  Far out! I can’t believe I got Rejected with a capital R. I also can’t believe Lacey is going out with my little bro. Even though it’d be sweet to sit beside a cute girl at the monster truck show, there’s no way I’ll get over Ash and Lace in a hurry. They’re the loves of my life.

  Kane takes my phone and orders four tickets to the monster truck show using his dad’s credit card. It costs a 100 bucks.

  ‘You got the fifty on you now?’ he asks me.

  ‘Uhh … no. It’s at home,’ I lie.

  He shakes his head. ‘Looks like I’ll have to find three girls to take, then.’

  Reluctantly, I open my wallet and hand him the cash. Kane’s a lot better at picking up chicks than me, so I’ll need his help to get a date. I’m more of an acquired taste
.

  The bus stops and two girls get on.

  ‘Well, well. Look what we have here,’ Kane says as they walk up the aisle.

  One has the hip ‘homeless’ look – oversized sunnies, knee-high boots and a flowing black skirt – while the other looks plain hot in jeans and a tight red T-shirt. Although dressed differently, they look alike. Exactly alike.

  ‘I’ll take Mary-Kate and you can have Ashley,’ Kane whispers.

  Unlike me, he goes for glamour over gorgeous every time.

  ‘Sure,’ I say. ‘But don’t mention the A word. I don’t want to hear that name ever again.’

  The bus takes off and we do what teenage boys do. We gawk at them while trying not to get busted. But jeans twin turns and looks my way at exactly the same time I look at her. I pretend to be suddenly interested in something out of the window, but from the corner of my eye I think I see her smiling.

  The girls start chatting and it’s clear they’re not from around here. They call the plaza ‘the mall’ – although it sounds more like ‘mahhl’.

  ‘Where are you girls from?’ Kane asks.

  I wish I had the confidence to do that.

  They turn. ‘Canada,’ says homeless twin. ‘But we live here now.’

  ‘We go to your school,’ says jeans twin. ‘Aren’t you the poetry boy?’

  ‘That’s just a hobby.’ He gives them a wink. ‘My real job is being a stud.’

  I change the subject. ‘How come I haven’t seen you around school? I’m sure I would’ve noticed.’ I look at jeans twin when I say this.

  She answers. ‘We’ve only been here for a few weeks. And because there’s an extra grade in Canada we’re a year below you guys.’ She looks at me. ‘I’ve seen you walking around campus with your girlfriend. Where is she?’

  Jeans twin has noticed me before? Cool. ‘We broke up,’ I answer.

  ‘Oh. Too bad.’ But she doesn’t look sad. Her lips are turned up at the corners.

  We hold each other’s gaze before turning away at the same time.

  And then it hits me in the gut, a feeling I swore I’d never have again. It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster and I’m just about to take the drop and it’s too late to get off, even if I wanted to.

  ‘Would you girls be interested in going to a show tomorrow night?’ Kane asks. ‘We just happen to have two spare tickets.’