Doctor's Orders

by Amber Rochelle Gillet

  “Nice.” He leaned back on his big red shoes, hands flicking the suspenders over his polka dotted shirt, as if it was a sure way to lure me in.

  I reminded myself to keep a straight face. “So what’s your name?”

  “The kiddies call me Crazy Clyde but the ladies call me Delmont.”

  “Delmont?” I eyed him carefully with suspicion, but of course he assumed it was my best come hither. “That’s different. Did it come from something special?”

  “My momma.”

  Oh I had smart one on my hands for sure. “Well it’s very original, I like it.”

  “It ain’t all that’s original, if you know what I mean.” He looked down and took one of his suspender snappin’ hands and puffed out the pocket to his striped balloon pants.

  Now I remembered why I could never be a hooker, there just isn’t enough money in it for situations like these. “Wow! I’ll be that is a big deal, huh? You must be pretty proud of yourself.”

  “What I’d like, is to make you proud of me. So what do ya say? How about we take a ride in my truck after the show ends?”

  “Well I came to see Triangle and I wouldn’t want to miss out on a personalized keepsake.”

  “Oh forget that darn three legged mutt! I can tell you more than you ever wanted to know about him, you don’t need no picture.”

  Bingo! “Really? Oh Delmont! Between getting to meet the dog and now you, the night just keeps getting better! Let’s make a deal, how about I drop my daddy off and we meet for a drink when you are done?”

  “Okay sugga, I’ll catch up with you over at the Shack in about 45 minutes. What’d you say your name was again?”

  “Paula.”

  “Alright then, say daddy just one more time for me darlin’.”

  The peanut brittle was resurfacing into my mouth. “Daddy!”

  “Don’t forget to bring that sweet ass with you now, ya hear?”

  Crazy Clyde slicked his hair back from his drawn up eyes and turned away, walking like a clown that had just won the lottery. Common sense assured my theory that I was definitely more than a few notches up from his average date, which was great because I really needed him to show up later.

  By the time he was out of site, the line had diminished to only four fans. I stood patiently and when it was my turn, I kneeled down and patted Triangle on the head. He licked my face once and I immediately fell in love. If I had a rock, I would have given it to him without hesitation. This puppy needed to be home with Zach, not on display and cared for by a group of nut jobs. Okay maybe I was being prejudiced, but if that diddler clown was a representative of the remaining work crew, then there was no choice but to be worried. Dr. Tom and I were going to have one very serious discussion and soon.

  Andy Billows handed me a glossy 8x10 with a paw print drawn on the bottom.

  “Your dog is really something.”

  His interests were outside of Triangle. “I saw you talking to Clyde before. How long you known him?”

  “For about 20 minutes, he was just introducing himself. That boy is quite a catch!”

  “You guys meeting up later?”

  “Just for a quick beer.” I kept my answers light; there is no way I could let on to my true agenda.

  “You got a sister?”

  “Oh geese no, I’m really sorry.”

  “Your momma busy later?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Yeah, why don’t you give her a call? Is she still married? Even if she is, that ain’t no big deal, she gotta be sick of the old man by now anyway.”

  “Sorry, her and the old man are broke up. My daddy has a new girlfriend now.”

  “Damn! Say daddy again!”

  I wanted to ignore his request, but if things fell through with the clown, I might have to walk this much scarier avenue. At least Clyde was just stupid. “Daddy!”

  “So what do you say? I’ll let you use the payphone out back free of charge.” His eyes narrowed into evil slits. “If things go real well, maybe we can even switch off before the night is over.”

  It worried me that someone let this guy help run a show for children. “Yeah, I’m sorry; she is out with her brother tonight. They have been lovers for years.”

  “Regular family of firecrackers you bitches are!”

  Was that even a legitimate sentence?

  “Well we try our best!”

  With one last glance at Triangle it was all I could do not to kick Andy Billow’s right out of his spandex knickers and steal this poor dog back on the spot, but that wasn’t my job today. Maybe in my next life I would be an animal rescue person, but right now I had a date with a clown.

  9

  The Shack earned its name, well because it is one. If the building permits and liquor license weren’t hung on the wall, the legality of the establishment could easily be in question. A tin roof hung heavy beyond the lean-to walls, but on a positive note, it kept the rain water from leaking through the rotted window sills. When it first opened, everyone agreed the look was trendy, but now it seemed as though the owners were simply taking advantage of neglecting repairs that desperately needed to be done.

  I arrived ten minutes early because it didn’t take me long to drop off the fictional daddy that accompanied me to the circus and I was hoping to down a shot of Jack Daniels before the man of the hour appeared. My goal was to make sure I was at complete ease during our conversations, if that’s what they actually were, but I also figured it couldn’t hurt to have a little drinking muscle on my side. What if Delmont genuinely thought he was going to stick that rubber nose somewhere private?

  The joint was mostly empty with the exception of the bartender, an under 21 crowd playing pool because they knew they’d get served, and a lot lizard from the truck stop on Route 52 who was fast asleep at the end of the bar. Although frigid weather didn’t help to bring patrons in, the new karaoke place a few blocks down had won over many of the more lively crowds that did venture out. Personally, I took solace in the fact that the place was barren; the slimmer the chances of me being seen with this guy, the better.

  A pair of headlights illuminated the front windows. As they grew closer I could hear an exceptionally loud engine and a puffing sound. The vehicle spun around on the icy parking lot and finally backed into a spot. When the engine cut and the tail lights faded away; the reveal of that monstrosity was an enormous primer black pick up with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror, an ‘I LOVE SLUTS’ sticker on the back window and (yikes) smoke stacks.

  The bartender stared at me. “It’s not what it looks like. Actually nothing that goes on here in the next half hour will be as it appears.” I spoke to assure him and reassure myself.

  “Well that is your business.” He poured me a shot. “I think you’re gonna need it. But let me thank you now, in case I don’t get to before you’re swept off your feet, for making my night. It’s been pretty low key around here for some time and I get the feeling I am in for a real treat.” He put the bottle down and leaned back, arms folded and waited for the show to begin.

  Strong winter winds caught the door as Delmont entered, loose snow blew around him in whirls like it was a scene from an Antonio Banderas movie; the kind when he arrives loaded with ammunition to wipe out the enemy. Perhaps I too should have brought a shotgun. I’d bet a million dollars there was one locked away in a gun case somewhere inside that beast he drove.

  Finally the door slammed shut. After clearing the shoulders of his camouflage coat to push away the remnants of snow that hadn’t absorbed yet, he looked around to locate me as if there were hoards of people to sift through. What a hunter he must be.

  “Oh! Well hey there bumble bee! You’re lookin’ sweeter than when I saw you last.”

  “Well thank you Delmont!”

  “You remembered to bring that sassy ass with you right?”

  “Yup, it’s right here underneath me.”

  The bartender cut in. “What’ll it be buddy?”

  Delmont p
ondered that question. It must have been quite a difficult decision because he sat in silence for almost four very long minutes. To preoccupy myself I looked him over in detail. Upon removing his coat, he presented a very tight red shirt decorated with pearl buttons on the cuffs and pockets. This was tucked into a pair of equally tight Wranglers made of the darkest denim I had ever seen, with bright yellow stitching. His pointed boots had spurs on the back that zinged each time he lifted his foot from the barstool. But what I was most astonished by were the freckles, millions of them. Was there really a Caucasian man under all of that? I couldn’t be positive. Not that it mattered, but it sure peaked my curiosity. That clown makeup must really be made of some hardcore shit to cover him up the way it did.

  Finally he spoke. “I’ll take me an apple martini. You folks sell them here?”

  “Well let me see what I can come up with.” My new drink making friend chuckled, then temporarily excused himself before disappearing into the back room.

  Unlike that lucky guy, I had no place to escape to. “So, you’re all cleaned up!”

  “Yup, I usually get fixed up pretty right quick because we ain’t got a hot water shower in the big tent, least not for the help, so I used the one that Mr. Billows sets us up outdoor that runs off the water hose. No way I was takin’ a chance on losin’ time by headin’ back to my trailer to get cleaned up.”

  “A water hose in the winter?” If he got that treatment, what was happening to Triangle?

  “Yeah well, there are a few fellas that can’t handle it so they get forty seconds in his private shower to clean up, but he docks their paychecks for it. I ain’t interested in that. Anyhow, it keeps me a man if you know what I mean.”

  He stepped off his chair and turned just enough to allow me a glimpse of his crotch. His wang was stuffed in so tight that he had a camel toe, like a heavy girl whose pants are pulled up far too high. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the bartender who had just reappeared, was blessed with the same disturbing vision as me, and immediately spun on his heel to return back to his secret hiding spot.

  “Doesn’t that hurt?” I couldn’t help myself.

  “Nah. Sometimes it pulls my undershorts up my buttocks a little, but I ain’t worried, those marks come out in the wash.”

  I hollered out. “I’m ready for a beer NOW!” He couldn’t stay away forever.

  Finally a pitcher was placed in front of me and dainty girl glass in front of Delmont. We both took a few moments to quench our thirst while watching our guy put away mugs before the conversation picked up again.

  “So you like that cripple dog, huh? He’s a regular lady maggot.”

  “Magnet.”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. Yes I do. He must be a real money maker, huh?”

  “I don’t know nothin’ bout the finances much, but that crowd sure was big today and the next show is already done sold out.” He tipped his pinky finger up as he took a slurpy sip.

  “The girl at the candy counter, the one with the purple hair told me that the dog is a new attraction. She tried to get me to buy a pin.”

  “That’s MacKenzie. She’s angry ‘cause Mr. Billows took her spot. Everyone thinks that he made some kind of big deal discovery with the pup, but really he got ‘em for…what’s that word when you give up something you own for something you ain’t paid on yet?”

  “Collateral?”

  “Yeah that’s it. Shit, I knew you was a classy lady when I first seen ya.”

  Was it possible that Dr. Tom’s avoidance of having his family pet rescued in front of thousands of fans could actually be validated? “What do you mean exactly?”

  “I mean you is smart and foxy.”

  “Well thank you.” I blinked my eyes softly in his direction, I couldn’t lose him now. “But what do you mean he got Triangle for collateral?”

  “Mr. Billows calls himself a credit fish.”

  “What?”

  “Maybe a bank whale?”

  “What? Oh, you mean a loan shark!”

  “Yup, you got it. Some skinny fella in a fancy black car, well it wasn’t no car, but it wasn’t no truck neither. Anyhow, he came down to where we all keep trailers a while ago and him and Mr. Billows talked for a bit. Couple days later, he had that crazy three legged dog.” Delmont motioned to the bartender for another chic drink.

  “Does Mr. Billows always live in the trailers that are on site?” I put my hand on his leg.

  “Mostly, but he rented himself a little apartment when we hit this county because his old man don’t want none of that dirty money business going on down at the circus. I think he only just got rid of it ‘cause we’re fixin’ to head out again.”

  My cell rang and we both jumped on our stools.

  “Hello? Oh hey mom, don’t worry I won’t be late. Wait, what? No I don’t remember him.” I winked at Delmont to hold his attention. “He has a glass eye? Well then I must have been standing on his left side for him to remember me.” I covered the phone and whispered one sec. “Are you sure? Okay, we’ll be careful then.”

  Alice had a date and she wasn’t making dinner? That was literally unheard of; within seconds I expected the earth to open up and swallow us all whole. And who the hell was Mr. Edwards anyway? She never mentioned a man with a glass eye before, I am absolutely positive I would have remembered that. But that was a worry I’d save for later; right now I had to come up with a clever way to wrap up this delightful evening and pronto.

  I turned my attention back to my new clown friend. “Well that is some story! Looks like McKenzie could get her job back if this mystery person pays his debt, huh?

  “Oh yeah. If Mr. Billows gets that money he says he’s quitting the circus for good, he don’t belong in that family anyhow. He’s a ladies’ man and he’s fixin’ to move to Vegas.”

  “Is that what he told you?”

  “Well about Vegas he did, but I seen him in action, he’s smooth as a weasel’s tail.”

  “What if he doesn’t get paid?”

  “Then he says he’ll bring that mutt with him, I figure he’ll fetch a shiny penny for him in the City of Sin.”

  “Pretty penny.”

  “What?”

  “Never mind.”

  “So whatcha wanna do now.” The yellow stains on his teeth broke up the mass of freckles that stretched across his peanut sized head.

  “Well I’ve got to get going. I’m somewhat concerned as you could imagine, my mother just revealed that she’s going on a date with a man who wears a fake eye.” She sure unknowingly timed that call well.

  “Well, you want to make out in my truck first?”

  The bartender coughed until tears rolled down his cheeks.

  “Gee Delmont, you sure do know how to woo a woman, but I’m going to have to pass on that enticing proposal.”

  “Alright then kitten paws…” He looked past me to the previously sleeping woman who had just come to. “I’m gonna stay here a bit and get to know the locals.”

  “I think that is a great idea.” I placed twenty five dollars on the bar. “The drinks are on me.”

  10

  Since Alice wasn’t cooking tonight, which I was still having a hard time wrapping my head around, I opted to grab a bite before heading home with the extra cash I had left over . It was a good thing Dr. Tom paid his retainer on time or my whole day would have been a bust.

  Speaking of Dr. Tom, he was going to get a rise and shine call because we had a lot to discuss. If the story that Delmont told me was in fact true, which I honestly had faith that it was given his limited IQ, then I expected some solid answers. But that was tomorrow’s task; right now my stomach was starting to look a bloated Cambodian on the cover of National Geographic. I needed a good meal and fast.

  Macaroni’s on Tyson Boulevard was the first place that came to mind. Each time I rode by I was reminded of how as youngster it became a staple to enjoy every Sunday evening meal there with my parents. The owners had completed a massive renova
tion about five years ago and the menu prices had jumped significantly; someone had to pay for the Bose sound system and all those fancy leather chairs. But I rationalized that since I was alone and I’d actually managed to pull together some pretty concrete information today, I deserved to treat myself to a something special.

  Tonight was the first time I was proud to pull up in my newly acquired sex machine, because if I had to take the bus here, well then I wouldn’t have come. The parking lot was lined with expensive import cars and tonight there was even a limo out front and a red carpet that rolled down the stairs and spilled onto the sidewalk. Was it Emmy night and no one told me? That was definitely something I’d never seen here in the past. This caused a sudden burst of minor self-consciousness as I glanced down at my outfit, but then it occurred to me that the new look for the rich was to dress like you weren’t, so I planned on blending right in.

  I took one last quick peak inside my purse to verify that I hadn’t lost my money before going inside. Having to do dishes to pay for my meal would absolutely bring a screeching halt to one of the smoothest days I had experienced recently. The wind stung my face while shuffling through a random stack of bills but finally I felt confident enough to enter. I pushed back my hair, wiped the tears of cold from my eyes and stepped onto the fancy carpet; the only thing missing was my social status.

  “Cutie?”

  Although I heard the voice, which did sound vaguely familiar, I assumed it was for another so I continued toward the stairs.

  Then a soft whistle. “Cutie!”

  The only person close enough for me to hear was the limo driver. He stood perfectly erect, hands fastened together just below his waste and his black driver’s suit was immaculate. And then he smiled and I saw those teeth.

  “Jace?”

  His extensive grin reached both ears. “Yup!”

  “What are you doing here? You are a limo driver?” His uniform was way cooler than mine had ever even hoped to be, not to mention he looked damn good in it.

  “Yes, well no. I mean…” He fumbled with his words. “Okay, let me start again. Yes I am driving tonight, but no I don’t usually, I own the company. Unfortunately the last driver was dismissed because of his limited understanding that the car can only park in designated areas. The day I saw you downtown, I was paying all the tickets off.”