Falling for the Cop

by Dana Nussio

  This time she just shook her head.

  He should have stopped then. He’d already made his point, had certainly revealed more about himself than she had any right to know, but he couldn’t stop himself.

  “And even knowing you would eventually find that reason, I probably would have just hung around and waited for you to do so. What does that say about me?”

  His dry laugh sounded strange, and it didn’t make him feel any better. “You need to ask yourself something.”

  She stared at the floor for several seconds, but finally she looked up at him from under her lashes. “What’s that?”

  “Ask yourself if this is the first time. You know, that other guy who left you. I bet you pushed him away, too.”

  As soon as the words were out, he clamped his mouth shut. But the wide eyes looking back at him told him it was too late. She turned her head to look away from him just as the husky security guard from the corner suddenly appeared next to them.

  “Sorry, folks, but there’s been a complaint about the noise. This is a hospital. You either have to quiet down or you’ll need to leave.”

  Natalie waved her hand to push away the suggestion. “Sorry. We’ll quiet down.”

  Strangely, though, the man wasn’t really looking at Natalie when she spoke. He was watching Shane instead.

  “Sir, are you all right? Maybe we can step outside... I mean we can go outside. Take a breath.”

  Shane shook his head, words refusing to come. The security guard, and likely whoever had summoned him, was concerned about his safety. He’d thought he couldn’t be more humiliated than he was having Natalie announce to anyone listening that he was too much of a coward to get out of his wheelchair. He’d been wrong.

  The guard was surreptitiously checking out the exposed skin on his hands, neck and head as if looking for signs of abuse. From Natalie. And then the guy looked at his face again.

  “Wait. Warner, is that you?”

  His well of humiliation still hadn’t bottomed out. “Yeah. It’s me.”

  The man tapped his chest. “It’s Lennie. Remember me?”

  “Oh, yeah. Lennie,” he said, though he didn’t have a clue.

  “Whew.” The guard brushed his forehead in relief. “I thought—” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I thought.”

  Shane glanced sidelong at Natalie, who was so ashen that she might need the wheelchair more than he did. She didn’t deserve his pity any more than he deserved hers, but he couldn’t help himself. Those feelings inside him wouldn’t be that easy to just shut off.

  “No. Really. Everything’s fine here. We have everything under control now.” Strange how the word we tasted sour on his tongue now. They’d barely become a we, and now they would never be more than a couple of I’s. “In fact, Miss Keaton needs to head back to her mother, who’s being treated in there.” He indicated the bowels of the ER with a tilt of his head. “And I’ll be heading out. Just waiting for my ride.”

  Natalie’s gaze shifted his way, and then she nodded. At least she understood that he couldn’t stay with her now. If he did, he would actually be that vulnerable guy the guard wanted to protect. That wasn’t going to happen.

  She cleared her throat. “I’d better get back in there.”

  Lennie looked at her sternly. “Just keep it down, okay?”

  Natalie nodded and started toward the door. The impulse to call her back was startling and unacceptable. Why did Shane want her to come back again? So she could criticize him more? Clearly, he needed that psychological evaluation he would have to pass before he could return to full-time patrol.

  But as she pushed the silver button for the automatic door, he couldn’t help calling after her, “Tell Elaine that I hope she feels better?”

  “Yeah, hope she’s doing better,” Lennie said.

  Shane’s gaze shifted to the security guard, who was probably hanging around to ensure that they didn’t start arguing again. When he turned back to Natalie, she was watching him, her gaze soft, sad. He knew just how she felt.

  When she turned and disappeared through the opening, Shane felt like someone had parked a patrol car on his chest. This wasn’t how everything was supposed to happen. Kent was supposed to still be fighting his cancer in the oncology ward upstairs and, this time, winning. Elaine should have been at home inviting him out on another fun outing. And he and Natalie should have been together. Always.

  But that wasn’t going to happen now, and it was as much his fault as hers. Nothing could change the things they’d said. Awful things. Cruel things. And they couldn’t take them back.

  Shane stayed parked where he was even after Lennie left him to return to the security office. Even after he’d texted Vinnie for a ride home. It was as if he expected her to come back through that door. What would they do then? Pretend she hadn’t just called him a coward? And what would she say? That it was no big deal that he’d accused her of pushing all the men in her life away?

  But she didn’t come through that door again, no matter how many times it swung open, with doctors and nurses and patients and their family members spilling through the opening each time.

  Finally, when Vinnie texted to let him know that he was parked outside, Shane started toward the exit. Natalie might have figured it out first, but they’d come to the same conclusion. There was nothing left for them to say.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  NATALIE AWOKE TO the sounds of muffled voices coming from behind the curtain on the opposite side of the room. Annoying beeping from another patient’s IV stand filtered in through the open door. Her mother lay in the hospital bed, so close to where Natalie sat that her outstretched legs rested under it. Elaine’s head was turned away from her, but at least she was finally getting some rest. Natalie peeked at the numbers on the monitor, just to be sure all was well.

  Stretching, Natalie slid her hand down her aching neck. The chairs in this place didn’t make for great beds, but since this had been one of the longest days of her life, her exhausted body was taking what it could get.

  Too bad it couldn’t have been a peaceful sleep. Or even just a dreamless one. But what had she expected when warring feelings had battled inside her all afternoon and had refused to stop slashing, even after she’d passed out from exhaustion? Sure, she was ashamed of many of the things she’d said to Shane. Calling him a coward for not walking yet definitely had not been one of her finest moments.

  But she’d had every right to be furious. How could he say that she wasn’t taking responsibility for her decisions when every choice she’d made over the past eight years had been about taking responsibility? She’d changed her whole life so she could care for her mother. Didn’t that count for anything?

  Emotion welled in her throat at just the thought of his cruel words. Could a person who loved someone still believe such awful things about her? Did Shane really love her at all?

  Natalie shook her head, closing her eyes. She definitely couldn’t use the words she’d spoken as some litmus test to prove her love. Yet she didn’t doubt, even for a minute, that she was in love with Shane, and she’d said some awful things to him. Unforgivable things.

  “At least one of us is getting some rest in this place.”

  Blinking, Natalie turned to sound of her mother’s voice and found her watching from the bed.

  “Oh, I thought you were asleep.”

  Elaine shook her head, smiling. “Oh, I dozed off and on.”

  And she didn’t appear to be hurting right now, either. That was something. Natalie rubbed her eyes and pasted on her own smile. It probably didn’t look natural, but it was the best she could do when she felt this numb. This lost.

  “How long was I asleep?” Natalie shivered as her question reverberated in her head. Shane had asked her the same thing not twenty-four hours ago, when
they were together in his bed, when her mother was still healthy and her own life was still filled with the giddy optimism of a roller coaster’s first hill. Now she felt that end-of-ride letdown when the brakes squealed and the safety bars lifted.

  But she couldn’t dwell on mistakes she’d made and the things she would never have. Not if she hoped to be of any support to her mother. Or have any chance of making it through the day.

  “Oh, you only slept a half hour or so.”

  “I’m surprised I slept that long in this thing.” Natalie patted the arms of the chair, though the thoughts and self-recriminations pounding in her head all day might have had something to do with it, too. “Speaking of sleep.” She paused to give her mother a pointed look. “Why aren’t you getting any? What’s your pain level? Is your head still hurting?”

  Elaine pointed to the IV attached to her arm, the one that contained pain medication in addition to fluids. “That’s definitely taking the edge off, but the doctor’s more concerned with my blood pressure, since the pain was making it go up. As far as my sleep, I don’t know. I’m just not tired.”

  “Maybe they’ll give you something to help you sleep tonight.”

  “Maybe,” Elaine agreed. “The nurse said she doesn’t see any signs of the rash yet.”

  Natalie nodded. “It might still be a few days before you see it.”

  “They’ll probably kick me out of here before that.”

  Natalie smiled again. “That’s a good thing, right?”

  “I guess so. I used to think your cooking was...challenged. But this place makes yours look like haute cuisine.”

  “Thanks, I think.”

  “After another day or so of eating it, I’ll be ready to eat anything you put in front of me.”

  This time when Natalie grinned, she didn’t have to fake it. “Now you see, there will be some good to come out of this little hospital visit. I’ll have a less picky eater to work with.”

  “I wouldn’t count on it.”

  “Thanks for helping me not get my hopes up.”

  Natalie shouldn’t have done that with Shane, either. It had been a mistake to open up to him, to put her trust in him. If only she hadn’t let him into her heart. If only—

  She stopped herself as his words repeated in her thoughts. What are you so scared of? Was he right to believe that she’d pushed him away because she was afraid that he would leave her someday? Had she pushed him away, and Paul before him? Well, whether it was a self-fulfilling prophecy or she’d just been right to be afraid, the result was the same. She had that same sense of desertion she’d known all her life, the feeling of being untethered in a wicked wind. But for the first time, she was convinced she deserved to be alone.

  “Do you think Shane will visit me here, or will he wait until I get home?” Elaine asked. “You let him know I was here, didn’t you?”

  Natalie glanced up in surprise. She refused to acknowledge her mother’s knowing look. What had she done to give herself away?

  “Of course I did.” She cleared her throat. “But I don’t know when he’ll be able to come.” It was a coward’s way out, but she didn’t know what else to say. Shane was the one person her mother had connected with since the accident, and Natalie had sent him packing.

  But instead of acting suspicious, Elaine only nodded. “That makes sense. He’s probably really busy with his friend and all.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “He’s probably visiting his friend in the hospital instead of me.” She shrugged. “That’s okay. I’m sure he needs the visit much more than I do.”

  “Are you talking about Kent?”

  “Oh, right. That’s his name. Shane’s mentor.” Elaine paused, shaking her head. “It didn’t sound good last I talked with Shane. He was declining fast and had been admitted—here, I think—for some sort of treatment.”

  With each word her mother spoke, something stretched taut inside Natalie. Why had he shared those things with her mother instead of her? Had he avoided telling her because she’d been closing herself off to him? Had she been so caught up in her own dramas that she’d been unable to even hear his?

  Elaine drew her brows together. “Oh, I was sure he would have told you. He mentioned it yesterday when we were planning to go to the movies.”

  Yesterday. It didn’t seem possible that only a day had passed since the three of them had been together. Even less than that since she’d been so happy in Shane’s arms.

  “Maybe he just didn’t get the chance to tell you about it while we were out.”

  There hadn’t been much time later, either, Natalie noted, though she didn’t think her mother needed to know that. Could it be that in addition to making some memories with her in his arms, Shane had also been trying to forget some of his own sadness? That she’d missed those signals in him was just further proof that in addition to being insecure, she was self-centered, as well.

  “Maybe he just didn’t want to think about it for a while.” She shrugged, straightening in her seat as she moved on to the next difficult subject. “Anyway, you might not want to count on Shane visiting at all.”

  “Why not?”

  “He just won’t be hanging around with...us...anymore.”

  “What did you do?”

  Natalie swallowed. She wanted to be angry that her mother never questioned which one of them was at fault, but Elaine knew her better than anyone and was well aware of her relationship failures. Since she was bracing herself for a lecture, her mother’s plea took her by surprise.

  “Please, please don’t make the kind of mistakes I did. Don’t let your pride prevent you from being happy.”

  Natalie’s eyes filled. “You don’t know the things he said to me. The things I said to him.”

  Her mother only smiled. “But I do know how you look at him when you think no one’s watching. How he looks at you. I know that Shane is a good man, not a self-centered one like your father. And I know that you deserve to be happy.”

  “But it’s too late. Some things you just can’t take back.” She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to push away the image of her towering over a man in a wheelchair, calling him a coward.

  “That might be true, but it’s never too late to tell someone you’re sorry.” Elaine turned her head and stared at the cream-colored curtain that separated her side of the patient room from the other. When she looked back, it was at Natalie’s hands instead of her face. “And I am.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m sorry.” This time Elaine met her daughter’s gaze. “I should never have pressured you into giving up your life to take care of me.”

  “No.” Natalie shook her head for emphasis. “You didn’t pressure me.”

  “But I didn’t exactly insist that you get on with your life. I let you forget how to live your own life, how to grab on to happiness with both hands and never let go.”

  Natalie reached for her mother’s hands. They felt so small and cold. “You can’t blame yourself, Mom. I wasn’t a child when I made those decisions. Those were my choices. You weren’t the only one whose life changed the day of the accident. I wasn’t the same after that. During that time afterward, I also learned how much I enjoyed helping people.”

  “Is that true?”

  Her mother lifted a doubtful brow and studied her a little too carefully.

  “Of course.” Natalie was surprised to discover that she really meant it this time. “I still love music. I always will. But I also love working as a PT and knowing I’ve made a difference in people’s lives.”

  “You’ve definitely made a difference in mine. And I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me.”

  Her mother shifted on the bed and then grimaced, reminding Natalie why they were there in the first place. Her mother’s he
alth was an issue and always would be. Natalie closed her eyes, but when she opened them again, Elaine was staring right at her.

  “But it’s time for me to fire you.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I can’t have you using me as an excuse not to live your life anymore.”

  “But I’m not.”

  “Really?”

  For the second time today, her mother was questioning her honesty, and this time she’d caught her in a lie. So Natalie shrugged and stared at the floor.

  “So when are you going to fix things with my friend Shane so he can visit me?”

  “I already told you that I really messed things up. We both did. We can’t go back to where we were.”

  “Do you love him? Is he worth it?”

  Her mother had asked two separate questions, but Natalie could answer both with a nod.

  “So make it right. Forgive him. And beg him to forgive you. And do it now.”

  “What if I can’t forgive him? What if I decide that love is too much of a risk?”

  “That’s a choice, too. Just like I made when I had my heart broken and I chose to never take a risk again.” Elaine studied her hands for a few seconds and then looked up at Natalie. “Please don’t make that choice. Don’t end up like me. Alone.”

  * * *

  SHANE PROPELLED HIMSELF out his front door and started down the ramp the moment that Vinnie pulled his SUV into the driveway the next morning. After spending a whole day alone with his thoughts, he would have taken the chair on the road if Vinnie hadn’t answered when he’d called him a half hour before.

  He’d had every right to be angry, at Natalie for the awful things she’d said to push him away, at cancer for choosing one of the good guys when there were so many convicted child molesters and serial killers out there living with good health until their eighties. At the world for not being fair.

  “So what’s the rush?” Vinnie called as he jumped down from the driver’s seat and barreled toward Shane, slipping on the ice. He caught himself against the ramp railing with a thunk. “Slow down. It’s dangerous out here. You’re going to get yourself killed.”