The Dark Side of the Road

by Simon Green

  I did meet a magician, once. He sawed his wife in half. The police never did find him.

  I looked around, taking my time. The tithe barn loomed out of the mists on one side of the manor house, and the terraced row of cottages showed dimly through the fog on the other side. Beyond them, I could just make out the snow-covered gardens, with their trees and hedges and topiary structures. So many dim dark shapes, in the glowing grey mists.

  ‘She could be anywhere, out here!’ said Jeeves. ‘Where do we even start?’

  ‘She’s a predator,’ I said. ‘They do like to lie in wait. But the longer we put this off, the more chances she has to set her plans against us.’

  There was a long pause.

  ‘Are you as reluctant to go out there as I am?’ said Jeeves. ‘I mean, once we leave the house, we’re committed. No turning back. We hunt the vampire till we find it, and then either we kill it, or it kills us.’

  ‘I am extremely reluctant,’ I said. ‘But experience has taught me it’s nearly always best to hold your nose and jump right in. Because the water isn’t going to get any warmer.’

  ‘You know what really scares me?’ said Jeeves, meeting my gaze with almost brutal honesty. ‘If she decided not to kill me. If she decided to bite me and make me into a creature like her. A thing of … endless appetites and no emotions. Not caring about anyone or anything, ever again. I wouldn’t want to go on living if I couldn’t care any more. If I didn’t care about my Leilah.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘I’ll make sure you’re properly dead.’

  ‘I was going to say: don’t let Sylvia get anywhere near me!’ said Jeeves. ‘Dear God, you have a morbid state of mind, Ishmael!’

  ‘Comes with the job,’ I said. ‘And the territory.’

  We shared a brief smile.

  ‘I’ll do the same for you, if I have to,’ said Jeeves.

  ‘Good to know,’ I said. ‘Remember, the way to a vampire’s heart is straight under the sternum, and then lean in hard.’ I looked out at the snow and the fog. ‘We’re going to have to check all the outbuildings, and then make sure she can’t conceal herself in any of them.’

  ‘How are we going to do that?’

  ‘Set fire to them,’ I said. ‘Burn them all, right down to the ground. Preferably with Sylvia inside. But at the very least, we have to drive her out into the open, where we can get at her.’

  I realized Jeeves was looking at me, apparently genuinely shocked. It took him a moment to get the words out.

  ‘Are you crazy? These are all listed buildings! Historical treasures; part of our country’s architectural heritage! Each and every one of them is worth a small fortune in their own right!’

  ‘Antiques Roadshow can bill me,’ I said.

  ‘You really aren’t human,’ said Jeeves.

  ‘We both need to bundle up warm before we go out,’ I said. ‘There’s suitable clothing in the cupboard to your left. I plan to wrap a thick scarf around my neck several times.’

  ‘You really think that’ll stop a bite?’ said Jeeves.

  ‘No. But it should keep the cold out.’

  ‘Do we have a plan?’

  ‘Of course. You start the fires, and I’ll keep watch.’

  ‘So I can take the blame for all the arson,’ said Jeeves. ‘Because you’re not planning on being here when my people finally turn up, are you?’

  ‘Like the Organization I work for,’ I said, ‘I don’t officially exist.’

  Jeeves sighed, loudly. ‘This job started out so well. Really good money, just to play bodyguard at a country house weekend. A chance for Leilah to show off her culinary skills. Easy money … We should have known better.’

  I closed the front door to keep out the cold. And so I could be sure the vampire wouldn’t sneak back in and ambush us while we were getting changed. I showed Jeeves the walk-in cupboard, and we piled on as many layers of heavy clothing as we could manage, while still being able to move freely. I remembered doing this before with Penny. Remembered walking with her through the snow-covered grounds, with no idea of what kind of day lay ahead of us. I remembered finding the Colonel’s body inside a snowman and knowing my world would never be the same again.

  When Jeeves and I finished dressing, we both stood back to look each other over. With a scarf pulled up over his mouth and nose, and a woolly hat pulled down hard over his shaven head to just above his eyebrows, all I could see of Jeeves was his eyes. But I was pretty sure he wasn’t smiling.

  We went back to the front door, and I hauled it open. Both of us were braced and ready, just in case Sylvia was lying in wait on the other side. It’s what I would have done. Instead there was just the fog and the snow, and the shimmering moonlight. The air was barely moving, hardly disturbing the heavy mists.

  ‘Easy to hide in,’ said Jeeves.

  ‘For us, as well as her,’ I said.

  ‘Unless her undead senses work better than ours.’

  ‘I doubt they’re better than mine,’ I said. ‘I should be able to tell if she’s anywhere near us … Any sound will travel well on this quiet, and with her glamour gone, she stinks of the grave.’

  ‘You sure you’ll be able to sense her?’

  ‘I’m going out there, aren’t I?’

  Jeeves sighed, heavily. ‘You know the real problem, here? I never once suspected Sylvia might be the killer. I liked Sylvia.’

  ‘Everyone did,’ I said. ‘I think that’s the point of having a glamour.’

  Jeeves nodded and called back down the hall to Leilah.

  She immediately stuck her head out of the doorway. ‘Yes?’ she said loudly. ‘What do you want? I’m busy! Heavy defensive barricades don’t build themselves, you know!’

  ‘I’m going to lock the front door behind us, Leilah,’ said Jeeves. ‘So when we come back, we’ll need you to let us in. I’ll knock like this, so you can be sure it’s me.’ He knocked three times quickly on the door, followed by two slow and hard. ‘Don’t leave me out in the cold, girl.’

  ‘I’ll be listening,’ said Leilah. ‘Dear God, look at the state of you. Are you sure you’ve got enough clothes on? Don’t forget your knock, or I swear I’ll leave you out there.’

  ‘She would, too,’ Jeeves said proudly.

  ‘And you say I’m weird,’ I said.

  ‘You are!’ Leilah said loudly.

  Once outside, with the front door locked firmly behind us, Jeeves and I stood close together, peering about us. The moonlight reflected back from the snow almost as bright as day, but it was hard to see far in any direction. The fog was getting thicker. I could just make out the tithe barn beside the main house; a great dark looming presence. Any footsteps Sylvia might have left in the snow had already disappeared, covered over by new snow.

  Jeeves was already shivering and shuddering from the extreme cold, for all his heavy coats. He glared at me when he realized I wasn’t shivering at all.

  ‘It’s so desolate out here,’ he said. ‘Like being on the surface of the moon. A dead world, harbouring an undead creature. I can’t believe I’m really doing this …’

  ‘Believe it,’ I said. ‘Doubts will get you killed.’

  ‘In the old stories, faith was a genuine defence against vampires,’ Jeeves said slowly. ‘I never got around to making my mind up about that sort of thing.’

  ‘You saw Khan try and stop Sylvia with silver candlesticks for a crucifix,’ I said. ‘She just laughed. Have faith in your experience and your abilities, Jeeves. They’re far more likely to keep you alive.’

  ‘But doesn’t all this make you think?’ said Jeeves. ‘She’s a vampire; this is Christmas Eve … It has to mean something! Doesn’t it?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I told you, I’m not from around here. I don’t know what to believe.’

  ‘But if a vampire really does exist,’ said Jeeves, ‘you have to ask yourself: what else could be real?’

  ‘I wouldn’t,’ I said. ‘You’ll sleep better at night. Can we please
discuss the philosophical implications later, when this is all over and we’re back in the warm? I do feel the cold, you know.’

  ‘Can you smell anything?’ said Jeeves.

  ‘Nothing useful,’ I said. ‘Let’s start with the nearest building.’

  ‘That would be the tithe barn.’

  ‘So it would.’

  We trudged forward through the heavy snow. The great grey shape of the barn loomed out of the mists before us, seeming somehow more solid and more real, the closer we got. The whole world was still and quiet, as though holding its breath to see what would happen next. The only sound was the crunch of our boots as they sank deep into the piled-up snow. The air was cold enough to sear my lungs as I breathed it in. It must have been even worse for Jeeves, because he was making quiet sounds of distress with every breath he took, without even realizing it.

  ‘I don’t see any footsteps,’ he said as we approached the great opening in the barn’s front wall.

  ‘Wouldn’t expect to,’ I said. ‘The snow’s had more than enough time to cover them over. If you want something else to worry about … Maybe Sylvia can fly, for short distances. You remember how she clung to the drawing room ceiling …’

  ‘You’re right,’ said Jeeves. ‘That is something new to worry about, and I would just like to point out that I was a lot happier before you brought it up.’

  ‘It does seem unlikely,’ I said. ‘But it’s best to consider all the possibilities.’

  ‘You are not helping my confidence at all,’ said Jeeves.

  ‘I’m not doing much for my own,’ I admitted.

  We stopped before the tithe barn, to look it over. Heavy stone walls with slit windows, under a slanting slate roof. Little had changed since I was last here with Penny. A lifetime ago. More snow had been blown in through the open doorway, forming a high ledge. No footprints, no gaps, nothing to show Sylvia had entered the barn. Unless she went skittering up the wall … I kicked my way through the snow drift and strode inside, trying to look everywhere at once while still appearing calm and purposeful. Jeeves was quickly there at my side, his gun steady in his gloved hand.

  ‘You do know,’ I said quietly, ‘that bullets won’t stop her.’

  ‘Might slow her down some,’ said Jeeves. ‘If I take out her kneecaps. Or her eyes. And it makes me feel better.’

  ‘That, right there,’ I said, ‘is why I prefer not to use guns. They give you an entirely false sense of security.’

  ‘Really not helping …’ said Jeeves.

  ‘Would you rather I lied to you?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘And people say I’m weird.’

  I spotted an old storm lantern, sitting on the ridged stone floor next to the wall. I picked it up and shook it carefully. Oil splashed heavily in the bottom. I was fumbling in my pocket for something to light it with, when Jeeves hit the wall switch, and bright electric light flooded the barn from end to end.

  He looked at me pityingly. ‘We are in the twenty-first century, you know.’

  The barn was empty, apart from the hulking shapes of old farm machinery under their heavy tarpaulins. I looked carefully around and behind each of them, even lifting up each tarpaulin in turn for a peek underneath. There was no sign of Sylvia anywhere. Jeeves walked from one end of the barn to the other and back again, just in case. We both took our time, making sure we missed nothing. I could see beads of sweat forming on Jeeves’ dark face, despite the cold. The gun in his hand was still entirely steady.

  When we’d convinced ourselves the barn was empty, we went back to the open doorway. I looked at Jeeves steadily, and he nodded, reluctantly. I smashed the oil lamp against the wall, spilled oil in a wide circle across the floor, and finally dumped what was left over the nearest tarpaulin. Jeeves produced a Zippo lighter, knelt down, and set light to the floor. Both of us hurried out the doorway as bright yellow flames shot up.

  Jeeves and I moved hastily out into the thick falling snow. A great blast of superheated air shot out of the opening, only just falling short of us. Black smoke was already forcing its way out through the slit windows. The electric light inside the barn snapped off, and all that was left was dancing yellow flames.

  ‘Stone walls,’ said Jeeves. ‘But wooden rafters in the roof, and old wooden farm machinery … The barn will go up fast enough and burn for some time. No place for Sylvia there.’ He looked at me. ‘Is it right: fire destroys vampires?’

  ‘I don’t see why not,’ I said. ‘She’s just a walking corpse, and crematoriums deal with dead bodies perfectly well every day. Except …’

  ‘I hate it when you pause like that,’ said Jeeves. ‘Except what?’

  ‘Sylvia set Roger’s body on fire,’ I said. ‘Which would suggest she isn’t frightened by fire. It is possible that not being scared of something might actually be a weakness. Sylvia’s too used to seeing herself as untouchable and unkillable. She might not have the same survival instincts as us.’

  ‘It’s amazing,’ said Jeeves. ‘You keep talking and you keep coming up with things, and yet not one of them is ever remotely comforting.’

  ‘It’s a gift,’ I said.

  I led the way, past the manor house, past the cottages, and on into the gardens. I didn’t think Sylvia would actually be there, but I wanted to look them over anyway, just in case. Sylvia struck me as the type who would do exactly what you wouldn’t think she would do, just to catch you off guard. Jeeves didn’t make any objections. He thought I knew everything about vampires, which just went to show how little he knew. Our feet sank deep into the snow with every step, making loud crunching noises, as though to warn Sylvia we were coming.

  Across the snow-covered gardens we went, through rows of trees and past the topiary figures, which I found even more disturbing than before, with even more snow to obscure their original shapes. There were no details left to show what they had been. I checked each one carefully, even batting at the branches with the back of my hand to make some snow fall away and reveal the interior.

  ‘Do you honestly think Sylvia would hide inside one of those things?’ said Jeeves.

  ‘She hid the Colonel inside a snowman,’ I said.

  I checked between and behind every topiary shape, taking my time, refusing to be hurried. I really didn’t want Sylvia jumping out at me. I could sense a growing tension in Jeeves’ increasingly abrupt movements. I wondered if he thought I was putting off checking the cottages for Sylvia, and I wondered that too. I finally stopped, at one particular place, and looked at the ground.

  Jeeves moved in beside me. ‘Is that where you found the snowman?’ he said quietly.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘That’s where I found the Colonel. When I first smelled blood and didn’t know what it meant.’

  ‘I suppose the world still made sense to you, back then,’ said Jeeves.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘I can’t say this world has ever made sense to me.’

  ‘Do you ever wonder … If you hadn’t found James’ body, would Sylvia have just bided her time here till the storm was over and then left?’ said Jeeves. ‘And then maybe no one else would have died?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘I never think things like that. Hindsight never helped anyone. You can only ever deal with what’s in front of you. Sylvia killed before she came here, and she would have killed again, afterwards. She’s a predator. That’s what she does. Stopping her is all that matters.’ I looked around me. The pale world looked back, pristine and gleaming, cold as death.

  Jeeves was shivering hard now. ‘I think we’ve seen all there is to see here,’ he said. ‘Let’s go check the cottages.’

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Let’s do that. Maybe we can set a fire to warm ourselves up.’

  We made our way back to the row of Victorian cottages, driving ourselves on through the hard-packed snow. I think we both felt more vulnerable, more at risk, out in the open. Where Sylvia could be anywhere. And we both wanted to find the vampire and get this over and done with. Find and stake the rotten t
hing, and put it behind us, so we could have our lives back again. We stopped before the old head gardener’s house, GravelStone Cottage, and looked it over carefully. No lights showed at any of the windows, and the front door was firmly closed. A pleasant scene, in a winter view.

  But would an undead creature need light, or heat? Or anything other than a dark place to hide?

  Jeeves strode up to the front door and tried the handle. The door didn’t budge. ‘Locked,’ said Jeeves. ‘Knew I should have brought my skeleton keys.’

  I gestured for him to stand aside, and then charged the heavy wooden door. I hit it square with my shoulder and blasted the door right off its hinges without even slowing. The door slammed down on to the floor, and I strode right over it, slowing to a halt in the dark and gloomy hall. Jeeves hurried in after me, waving his gun around in a more or less professional way.

  ‘All right,’ he said, once he was sure we were alone. ‘That was … really something. I am officially impressed. Doesn’t doing that hurt your shoulder?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  We pressed slowly forward, into the gloom of the hallway. Jeeves found the light switch eventually, and the sudden glare was almost blinding. The narrow hall was disconcertingly cheerful and cosy, with pleasant old-fashioned wallpaper, charming furnishings, and a bare wooden floor. A perfect getaway home from home, to soothe the spirits of the troubled guest. Not the kind of place you’d expect to find a monster. But then, that was the point.

  We searched all the downstairs rooms and found nothing. No sign anyone had been inside GravelStone Cottage in months. We went upstairs. Jeeves wanted to go first, because he had the gun, but I took the lead anyway, because I knew for a fact I was a lot harder to kill. I kept sniffing the air, but I couldn’t smell blood or decay. Just dust and damp.

  We searched all the upper rooms, kicking in doors and checking every nook and cranny with malice aforethought. I even opened all the cupboards and overturned the beds, just in case there might be a monster hiding under them. By the time we’d checked all the rooms and gone back out on to the landing again, we were both so tense from unrelieved anticipation that we were exhausted. All my muscles ached, from not being allowed to relax.