by Ashley Erin
“At the time, I was so bitter. I spent my whole pregnancy being angry and resentful. Then I held him in my arms.” Her hand pauses over the canvas, head tilted to the side examining her work. “I thought people were full of shit when they said a child steals your whole heart. They’re not. One look into the blue eyes that matched my own and he owned me.”
She dips a brush into her black paint, adding white to create a soft grey. It’s fascinating and therapeutic to watch her. Staying silent, I wait for her to continue speaking. Whatever is causing her to open up, I don’t want her to stop.
“Every choice I make, every thought I have . . . It all has to do with ways to make his life good. That’s why I was so mad when Joe called me selfish. The thing is, I want to be selfish sometimes. I want to do something that is for me and only me.” Ava steps back from the canvas and examines it. My view is blocked from my position on the floor and I’m curious how much has changed since we’ve been talking.
She moves away from the canvas gathering her brushes and water cup, leaving me in her room to stare in awe at the masterpiece she has created.
The water looks like it’s from a photograph and the vibrant colors of the sunset take my breath away. With my eyes glued to the painting, I feel Ava staring at me as she re-enters the room.
“Ava, I know that you love your son and all the sacrifices are worth it because you have him, but the art world needs someone of your talent. This. This right here is your something for you. You need to find a way, any way, to get your work out there. You never know.” Standing, I pop my knuckles and walk over to where she is gaping at me. “I need to go. See you Thursday.”
Exiting her room, my hand is on the knob when I hear her walk quickly down the hall.
“I told you, you’re a nice person. Only a wonderful friend would say something like that.” Ava rests her hand on my arm. “Thank you, Dax. You have given me more with those words than you can understand. I’m lucky to have a friend like you.”
Giving her a small smile, I pat her arm. “I call it like I see it.”
Closing the door behind me, I pause. She doesn’t understand what being around her does for me. She makes me feel like I’m not a horrible person. She talks to me like she would anyone else. I’m certain that will change the moment she finds out who I truly am, who I’m trying hard not to be. Even if I wasn’t required to change, being around her makes me want to.
I could have stayed in her room, listening to her paint and talk. That’s risky. Being her friend, it’s not something I want. I don’t think it’s possible for me to be friends with Ava. Something more seems to be there. A flame that brightens the darkness in my head, no one has done that for me before. She is more. I don’t deserve more . . . not yet.
Pulling the bed Lucas made for Noah out from under mine, I shift my room around so there is a path to walk. Lucas invited us for a sleepover, and since the roads have improved significantly, I decided it was a good idea. Mom and Dad need a break, and I need quality Noah time.
School has been eating up more time than I had anticipated. I miss having endless hours to spend with Noah building puzzles, playing with Legos and creating forts. I realize now how lucky I’ve been. Mom and Dad enabled me to stay home with Noah until he started school. I won’t ever be able to repay them for their generosity.
Standing, I look at the painting still sitting on my easel from a few days ago. Smiling as I remember how much Dax loved it, I find some paper and wrap it up.
“Momma! Uncle Lucas put in the movie, hurry!” Noah skids to a stop in the doorway before bolting back down the hall. Laughing, I quickly finish wrapping the canvas, leaving it on my bed before trailing after Noah into the living room.
Lucas and Noah are sprawled on the couch, so I settle into the beanbag chair Lucas bought for Noah. It was an early birthday present, both of our birthdays less than a month away. Noah was born a week after I turned sixteen. It’s hard to believe that was almost five years ago.
The beanbag chair makes a farting noise as I shift to get comfortable, both Noah and Lucas laughing at me. “Oh hush you two.”
Ruffling Noah’s hair, I turn to the sound of the door opening.
“What are we watching?” Andie asks as she sticks her head into the living room, grinning as Lucas holds up the case for the movie Noah selected. “Noah, I brought someone who I know you are going to be excited to see.”
Dax steps around Andie, grinning as Noah screams and jumps off the couch. “Mister Dax! I want you to sit beside me. Uncle Lucas, can he have your spot?”
We all laugh as Lucas slides off the couch, onto the floor next to me. “Darn, I’ve been replaced.”
Settling in, Lucas pushes play, and we turn our attention to The Lorax. Noah is talking Dax’s ear off as the opening credits rolls. Since meeting him that first day, Noah has idolized Dax. He is always coming up with ideas of what he wants to do with him next.
Shifting my body so I can see them, my stomach gives a little squeeze at the look on Dax’s face as he listens to Noah describe all of the places to hide at my parents’ house. He is intently listening to every word Noah is saying, not a hint of irritation or boredom. In fact, he looks enthralled. The doting look is enough to make my heart beat a little faster.
Hearing Noah talk fills me with pride. He is so articulate for a boy of his age. Mom says he gets that from me.
“Noah, if you tell him all of your hiding places, how do you expect to have anywhere to hide when he comes over?” Noah’s eyes widen as he looks at Dax, who is wearing the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face.
“Don’t worry, buddy, I’m sure I will forget.” Dax winks at me as the movie starts, distracting Noah, who starts talking his ear off again.
Andie brings out the popcorn, shutting off the lights and we all settle in to watch the movie.
“Ava.” A hand shakes me awake and I blink rapidly, dazed. My neck aches, cracking as I tilt my head side to side.
“Hmmm?” Rubbing the palms of my hands over my eyes, I finally focus on the face in front of me. Dax holds Noah in his arms and I realize we are alone. “Where are Andie and Lucas?”
He smirks and tilts his head towards the bedrooms. “They decided to turn in early. You passed out about thirty minutes into the movie and Noah fell asleep shortly after.”
He adjusts Noah in his arms and holds his now free hand out to help me up. “Thanks. I can take him.” Reaching forward, I giggle as Dax rolls his eyes. “Did you just roll your eyes at me like a sixteen-year-old girl?”
“I sure did. I will carry him.” He leads the way to my room, gently tucking Noah into his bed. “Goodnight, Ava.”
“Goodnight.” Turning to my bed, I see the wrapped canvas and spin back around. “Wait, I have something for you. Here, open it later.”
Handing him the canvas, I hold the door as he backs out of it looking confused, smiling as he silently turns to leave. I wait for the click of the front door before I crawl into bed.
The sound of my bedroom door opening wakes me. Sitting up thinking it is Noah, I quickly scramble to pull the covers up over my tank top when I see Dax smirking at me. His smiles are becoming more frequent and the way they change his face makes my pulse race. “Good morning, Sunshine. Thank you for the canvas, I hung it up in our living room.” He leans against the doorframe, looking at me in amusement. “Andie and I made pancakes. Get up. We have a busy day ahead of us.”
“Huh?” My voice cracks and I resist the urge to throw myself down onto my bed. This is the third time Dax has woken me up, that has to be some sort of weird record.
“Last night, while you were sleeping, we all decided to drive into Jasper today. Do some exploring. Now rise and shine.” He shuts the door, the sound of laughter fading as I hear his footsteps move away.
Groaning, I quickly get dressed and throw my hair into a messy bun. Waking Noah up, I have him dressed and ready to go within fifteen minutes.
“Momma, do you think we will see a bear?”
He drags me out of the bathroom towards the kitchen, laughing when my stomach gurgles at the delectable scent of breakfast.
“I’m sorry, sweetie, the bears are hibernating right now.” Andie hands me a cup of coffee as soon as I step into the kitchen. “Thank you, you read my mind.”
“Dax, what does hibernating mean?” Noah sits down at the table, digging into the pancakes Lucas has already cut up for him.
“That’s when animals find a nice warm place to sleep until winter is over,” Dax answers Noah as he sits next to him. I adore how he doesn’t talk to Noah as if he is stupid. He answers all of his questions in a normal tone of voice like he would any person.
“That’s a long time to sleep.” Noah’s eyes are wide as he thinks about the bears.
We finish eating and start bundling into our winter gear. The boys go down to start Andie’s SUV so it’s warm.
“I never thought I would see the day my brother doted on a child like that. Shows how much he has changed.” Andie slips her hat on, waiting for me inside the doorway as I finish wrapping my scarf. “I’m just glad he’s not running with Ivan’s crowd anymore. Shit got scary for like five years. He would disappear for sometimes weeks at a time.”
We silently head downstairs, and I tell myself not to pry, but my curiosity gets the better of me. “Who is Ivan?”
Andie freezes. Right in the middle of the stairs, only speaking when I almost run into her. “Oh, Ava. I probably shouldn’t have said anything. He’s no one you should worry or think about. Forget I mentioned him.”
Yeah, that’s unlikely.
“Noah, don’t run too far ahead.” Ava laughs as Noah plows through the snow. We’ve been hiking around for about an hour, Noah zig-zagging through the trees and making trails. The sun is blinding reflecting off the snow, so we opted for a path sheltered by spruce trees. It may be cooler, but at least we can see.
“For such a little guy, he sure can push through that snow like it’s nothing. I have to admit, I admire the kid’s tenacity.” I grin as Noah face plants in the snow and jumps up completely unfazed, shaking my head in disbelief.
“I swear he’s like the Energizer Bunny.” Ava watches Noah adoringly, pure love in her eyes. I wonder what it’s like to have someone look at me that way.
Noah stops in the middle of the trail and flops onto his back, moving his arms and legs to make a snow angel. “Noah, why don’t we build a snowman?”
“Yeah!” Noah jumps up and I’m amazed that his snow angel is not only intact, but also perfectly formed. He starts rolling snow to form a ball and I join in to help him.
“Why don’t we make the big one, Uncle Lucas and Miss Andie can make the medium one, and your momma can make the head?” Working with him, we roll out a massive snowball. As we stand back to admire our handiwork, I see Ava standing there holding the snowman’s head, watching us with a soft smile on her face. When her eyes meet mine, something flashes across her face before a grin replaces it. She tried to hide it from me, but I’m so attuned to quick observation that I saw the look. Attraction. I must be mistaking affection for attraction, I hope I am.
“Wow! This is going to be the best snowman!” Andie says as she and Lucas set their snowball on top of ours and Ava finishes it off with the head.
“Noah, stand next to him, and I will take a picture.” Ava shoves her gloves into the pocket of her coat and gets her phone ready. Noah grabs my hand and pulls me over to him. We pose for a couple of pictures until Ava is happy with one.
“We should probably turn around and head back. It’s almost lunch time and the kid is going to be starving soon,” Lucas suggests as he checks his phone.
“We thought we could stop for hot chocolate in town and have lunch there.” Andie wraps an arm around Lucas and smiles at Ava.
“Noah, let’s turn around. It’s lunch time.” Ava waits for Noah to go barreling past her before joining Lucas and Andie in the walk back. Lagging behind, I watch the four of them.
Who knew I could have so much fun doing something so normal. Two years ago, I never would have been caught dead hiking in the middle of winter and making a snowman with a kid. I was too damn busy working for Ivan, collecting the debts owed to him and going to parties at his house.
I spent five years with the Vipers. Surrounded by drugs, taking part in beating people for money they owed or underground gambling rings. It never dawned on me that the transition to normalcy could feel so good or be so easy.
It’s only easy because they don’t know the real you. Not even Andie knows the true extent of how deep I was in and the real reason I finally got out. Thankfully, I owed nothing to Ivan aside from the small job that completed all obligations to him. He couldn’t prevent me from leaving and despite the fact he is not a good guy, he stands by his word.
Even when they leave.
Especially when he wants them back.
“You coming, slow poke?” Blinking, I see Ava is walking backward watching me.
“Yeah.” Jogging to catch up, I try to ignore the look of concern on her face. I don’t deserve that concern.
“Are you okay?” She turns back around and walks beside me, a couple of feet behind Lucas and Andie. Those two are so wrapped up in each other that they are completely oblivious to anything around them, so I watch Noah as Ava waits expectantly.
“I’m fine. Just thinking.” Nudging her as she rolls her eyes, I grin and turn the question on her. “What about you Sunshine? Are you okay?”
“Oh, you know. I’m fine. Just thinking.” She bends down and scoops some snow into her hands, balling it up. She throws it at Lucas and hits him square in the back of the head. Squealing as he spins around, she runs down the path towards Noah.
It’s better to keep her out. I need these people more than they need me. I’ve done terrible things and it’s better off for them not to know.
Looking at Andie and how happy she is since she opened up, I fight off the self-doubt that seems to creep up on me more often than not. She is happier since telling Lucas about our past; maybe that would be the same for me.
Kicking snow in frustration, I remind myself that I don’t deserve to be that happy, I need to earn that right.
We finally reach the car and load up, Noah passing out almost immediately.
“Well, I guess we will just head home.” Ava laughs as she brushes some hair off his forehead.
“Sounds good. I’m wiped.” Andie yawns and looks back at me. “We haven’t done anything like that for a long time, have we, Dax?”
“No, Nugget, we haven’t.”
“Even after Mom left Dad, you became too cool with your badass friends.” Andie winks at me to show she is teasing. I don’t like where this conversation is going.
“I wasn’t too cool, I was too high. Or getting into too much trouble. But thanks.” Three sets of eyes stare at me, and I realize what I’ve just said. “Crap, I’m sorry Andie. I’m just stuck in my head right now, and that wasn’t fair.”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry too.” Andie reaches behind her and squeezes my hand.
Turning to look out the window, I avoid the gaze I feel on me. That is more about my history than I intended for Ava to know and I don’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes.
The rest of the car ride is silent.
Well, that was a mood killer.
“Dax . . .” Ava’s voice is a whisper next to me. “You know it is okay to open up to your friends. Didn’t you say the same thing to Andie not too long ago?”
Sighing, I tilt my head down to look at her. Her eyes are clear of judgment. “That’s a little different, Ava. That wasn’t Andie’s fault. She had nothing to be ashamed of. I have everything to be ashamed of.”
“We all have things in the past we aren’t proud of. Things we feel shame over. Things no one knows. At some point, wouldn’t it be nice to know there is one person who knows everything and is still there for you? Whether it’s a friend or a lover, it doesn’t matter.” She looks over to Lucas and An
die, who are talking quietly in the front seat. “If you ever need a friend, I’m here for you. No judgment. Maybe I will tell you my shameful secret.”
She turns away from me to rouse Noah and I see we are turning into the driveway for Parkland. “I doubt you have any secret that could be considered shameful.”
Sadness fills her eyes as she shakes her head. “You have no idea.”
Exiting the vehicle, I ignore everyone as I head inside. Being a part of this group is getting in my head, cracking through my careful facade. It’s too much.
“Someone needs to distract me before I kick this poor woman in the face.” Andie grips the seat of the massage chair she is sitting in, her knuckles white as she avoids the look of the pedicurist warily eyeing her.
“Did you know Dax is a math genius?” Three sets of eyes stare at me and I wish I could take back the words, but that’s the first thing that popped into my head.
Dax and I have been in class together for a few weeks now and he seems to be constantly on my mind. Now he’s even invaded girls night. I’ve been fighting this, but my tendency to crush on “bad boys” is the bane of my existence and against my rules. Why can’t I fall for a nice, quiet guy? Someone like Jaden. Not that Jaden isn’t attractive, he just doesn’t have that hard edge that makes me weak. That tough exterior that’s so satisfying when you finally crack your way in.
“Oh yeah. I don’t know what it is about math and chemistry, but he excels in both of them. He’s modest about it, though. I’m impressed he told you.” Andie watches as her toenails are painted a blinding florescent green. Her grip loosens on the armrests, and she relaxes into her seat.
“He didn’t. We got all of our assignments from the past couple of weeks, and I saw his grades before he tucked them away.” I still feel guilty for peeking, but my curiosity about him got the best of me. “Our first class he made it sound like math wasn’t his strength.”
“That boy has so many things he doesn’t like to talk about, why do you think I enjoy torturing him so much?” Kensi leans forward smirking. “He’s the strong silent type, and I love trying to drag words out of him.”
