by Ashley Erin
“He just finds you annoying. I can’t get him to shut up.” Andie grimaces, her eyes twinkling.
“Sibling relationships are different. He will be a tough nut to crack, and I feel sorry for the woman who falls for him.” Kensi leans back in her chair as Andie nods in agreement.
Turning my eyes to my feet, I try to ignore the way those words settle in my gut. Dax may be taking up my thoughts, but we can only be friends anyways, so why does her statement feel like a punch in the gut?
“He may be tough to get through to, but I’m betting whoever accomplishes it will find themselves a fiercely loyal man who would do anything to protect them and make them happy.” Nella’s words are so soft, I glance at her quickly. She is looking at me and it sinks in that she is talking to only me. Am I that obvious?
“He’s not my type.” He’s exactly my type.
“Dax is everyone’s type.” Kensi leans forward again. By the grin on Andie’s face, I realize that they both caught the private exchange between Nella and me. “Everyone knows girls go weak for motorcycle driving, sexy as sin, bad boys.”
“I went through that phase and ended up pregnant and alone. I’m over it.” Forcing a smile to soften my words, I silently plead with Andie not to take offense.
“Yeah, I can see where that would take away the appeal.” She winks at me, and I know they all see through my denial.
“Even if I’m not over it, I won’t allow myself to go there. Besides, he has too many secrets. I don’t do secrets.” Liar.
We shuffle to the dryers and stick our toes under the heat lamps. Andie sits next to me and leans in. “I know what it’s like to feel the need to hide something. Dax has done things he isn’t proud of. I know all about rules, but I think I recall a certain someone telling me to leap once. Maybe she should take her own advice.”
“Andie . . . I just . . . I can’t break that rule. If it were just me, maybe I could, but it’s not.”
She sighs and nods. “I get it. You want a guy like Jaden.”
“Are you reading my mind? I was just thinking about him earlier.” Laughing, I am always amazed at how well this group of women knows me in such a short amount of time. I’m so lucky.
“But you’re not into Jaden. We all know that like we all know Carter has it bad for . . .” Kensi elbows Andie to shut her up. “Oops, right.”
“You’re right, I’m not. Honestly, thinking about guys is the last thing I need or want to be doing. I’m happy with my friendships and life how it is.” It is safe keeping things as they are.
“You know what they say. It finds you when you’re not looking for it.” Kensi leans around to wink at me. She always has guys on her mind.
Since Noah was born, there has been one interest and it was short lived. I wasn’t in a position to share myself, and as much as he tried, he wasn’t ready to take on Noah and me. This crush on Dax, it will pass too. I’m not looking for anything and he is such a good friend, I can’t jeopardize that.
So I’ve decided. The crush is fleeting. Friendship is more important. Besides, it’s probably a one-way thing, which makes it so much easier. “It will pass. I have my entire life ahead of me.”
“Of course. Who wants to show interest in a guy who has bonded with your child, calls you Sunshine and takes an active interest in your life?” Kensi’s words are sharp, but that’s just her. “If you were Andie, I would be daring you to throw your stupid rules in the trash where they belong and make a move.”
“We all have dating rules, Kensi. Mine was no assholes, Ava doesn’t want bad boys, and you know you have a thing with anyone in a position of power. Nella, do you have one?”
“I won’t date jocks.” Nella’s voice is quiet, and we all share a look as she checks her phone.
“See, I am pretty sure we all have rules, and we can’t always just throw them away.” Andie leans into me and rests her head on my shoulder. “So I hear someone’s birthday is coming up in February.”
Thankful for the change in subject, I jump on it. “Yeah, the third. Noah’s is the tenth. We’re exactly a week apart.”
“What are we doing to celebrate?” Nella asks as we stand to slip on our shoes.
“I’m not sure yet. I need to ask my parents.” We leave the salon and walk back to the apartment complex. “Thanks for the girls day. I needed it to clear my head. Tomorrow is the first visit with Joe in months, and I’m a little apprehensive how it will go. I don’t know what to do with this new Joe.”
“It will be fine. If you need anyone, we’re here. You can text all three of us, and we will get you through it.”
Andie and I leave Nella and Kensi at their apartment and walk up to the top floor.
She hugs me tightly and even though it’s brief, I feel like somehow she shared some of her immense strength with me. Parting ways, I head to my room, a new canvas waiting for me.
Checking the clock, I finally decide to pay and take Noah to change. Joe thought swimming would be a fun activity, so I drove the four hours to Edmonton to meet him. He’s twenty minutes late.
“C’mon, Noah. Let’s get ready to swim.” Taking his hand, I pay and lead him to the change rooms. Why am I not surprised that Joe flaked out?
“Ava!” Turning, we see Joe jogging towards us. Noah hugs onto my waist, looking at his dad in surprise. “Hi, Buddy! How are you?”
“Hi, Daddy.” Nudging Noah, he goes and gives Joe an awkward hug. Joe smiles down at him and instead of the usual look of frustration, his face is simply happy.
“Why don’t you change with Daddy and I will meet you at the pool.” Ruffling his hair, I watch him run into the men’s locker room apprehensively before turning to Joe.
“Sorry I was late. My mom called, and she kept me on the phone in the parking lot for over thirty minutes. She wanted me to invite you and Noah for dinner.”
“Seriously?” Joe’s parents decided they wanted nothing to do with us, they didn’t believe Noah was Joe’s until the paternity test, and afterward they let their pride get in the way of any sort of relationship.
“Yeah, Dad had a heart attack two months ago. It’s been an eye-opening experience.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, but I need to think about dinner. We need to ease into this. We’re not a normal family, and I don’t want to overwhelm Noah. Now let’s go get ready and swim.”
“Okay, that makes sense.” Taking a deep breath, I push my way into the ladies change room. Agreeable Joe is confusing me. I need to keep my guard up because this is wreaking havoc on my emotions. It’s as though someone flipped an attitude switch and I’m waiting for it to be flipped back.
I meet them by the kid’s pool and sit on the edge, watching as Joe engages Noah in creative games and actively interacts with him. He had invited me to swim with them, but it’s his time with Noah.
Joe completely ignores some girls blatantly trying to gain his attention. He is still very attractive, and I’m not surprised that he has drawn attention. His light brown hair is closely cropped to his head, and his dark blue eyes are filled with laughter as he chases Noah around. He is lean, well-toned and naturally tan. I loathe that I still find him good looking, but thankfully, aside from appreciation for his physical appearance, I feel nothing.
The girls giggle and splash around, looking at him. Subtle ladies . . . very subtle.
He continues to ignore them, and I have to admit, I’m impressed. Smiling as he tosses Noah in the air, he glances over at me and winks. Shaking my head, I try to ignore the fact that my lips twitch in response. He always was charming, even over the past five years I can remember moments where I thought he would be different, that charming person making rare appearances only to slip away just as quickly. My smile fades as I recall all those times I had hope and was let down.
He frowns and leans over to talk to Noah. They both swim over, smiling widely. They quickly lunge towards me and pull me into the water.
“That’s it!” Diving under the water, I grab Noah’s feet dunking him
gently before pulling him up with me as I surface. We splash and wrestle together, Noah’s laughter making my heart sing.
“Momma, can we go down the slide?”
“Of course you can, but after, it’s time to go home.” Noah races off dragging Joe behind him. I’m happy to see that he has warmed up to Joe. It usually goes like this, at first, he is shy, but by the end, he is happy to be spending time with his dad.
Thirty minutes later Joe is putting our things in my trunk and buckling Noah into the car. Shutting the door, he comes to my side of the car and leans against it. “Thank you for today. I know you could have said no. I have no right to ask for more, but you always try to accommodate. I don’t deserve that.”
“What’s going on Joe? Four and a half months ago, I couldn’t even get you to come see him in the hospital. Three months ago, you blew us off for a date and just a week and a half ago you called me selfish. Then later that same day you have a complete attitude change. So please, tell me what led to this shift.” The onslaught of emotions from watching him actively engage with Noah, trying to include me and the respectful way he has addressed me all day has been a lot to take. My guard is up, and I can’t handle not knowing the catch.
“Let’s not talk about that now. Can I take you to dinner? I think this would be easier to discuss when we’re not freezing our asses off.” He opens my car door for me, and I slide into my seat.
“I don’t think . . .”
“Please, Ava.” He pleads with me.
Sighing, I give in. How does he always manage to get his way? “Fine. I will let you know when I am free.” He thanks me and shuts the door. Leaning my head against the headrest, I start my car and berate myself for constantly giving in to him. Curiosity kills the cat, and I have a feeling I’m going to be crushed.
Tossing Lucas a beer as he comes inside, I follow him into the living room where Carter and Jaden are already seated. “Sorry I’m late. I wanted to see how it went today with the visit.”
“What visit?” Carter grabs a fistful of chips and tosses me one of the movies he brought.
“Ava took Noah to have a visit with his dad. They rarely happen and usually end up with Ava wanting to shoot Joe and bury him in our backyard.” Lucas pulls forward the chair I bought Andie for Christmas and settles in as I push play.
“Sounds tough.” Jaden empathizes. No one pushes Lucas to see how it went, they all focus on the Marvel marathon we have decided to tackle this evening.
“She’s tough. It took me a long time to realize that, but she really is.” He changes the subject to football, Carter’s favorite subject. It’s his offseason, but the guy lives football. They quit talking as the movie starts, completely enthralled in the Marvel universe.
It takes me a while, but soon the story captures my interest. I haven’t watched any of these movies and apparently in this crowd that is unacceptable.
As the movie ends and the credits start rolling, the door to my apartment opens. Andie comes in with Nella, Kensi, and Ava. “Rumor has it you’re watching Marvel movies. Please tell me Thor is on this list.” Kensi squeezes in between Carter and Jaden with a wink. They grin at her. It is hard not to find her funny. She is so abrasive, but in all the best ways. “Where is Dean?”
“He’s on his way. He was just going to stay home, but I told him that wasn’t an option.” Carter answers, his eyes wandering towards Nella who is on the opposite side of the room from him.
Chuckling, I shake my head at him. “Dude.” Catching his attention, I mouth not gonna happen. He gives me the finger and stands to put in the next movie.
Looking around the room, I feel content with the group of people I’ve chosen to surround myself with. No one has hidden agendas, no one is overdosing on whatever drug they took, no one owes anyone else money. It’s all so . . . normal.
Ava comes and sits next to me on the floor, leaning against the bottom of the couch. Looking at her, I examine her face closely for any sign of tension. “How did it go today?”
“Surprisingly well. Joe kept Noah engaged the whole time. He focused entirely on his son and not on anything, or should I say anyone else.” Her eyes stay on the TV. She is relaxed, but something is up.
“Good. And?”
“What do you mean ‘and’?” She tries to shrug off my question, but her fingers fiddle with the hem of her pants.
“There is more to your day than that. You have more tells than a beginner poker player.”
“I called Joe out on his change in attitude. He wants to discuss it over dinner. I’m just leery of what he hopes to accomplish. I suspect there is a woman behind it and he wants to start including her in Noah’s life.” Ava looks at me, eyes filled with concern. “I’m not ready for that. I mean I know it sounds unreasonable. Noah interacts with everyone here, but it’s different when it’s a relationship and not a friendship. That changes the dynamics. Then I wonder if I say no, does that open me up to criticism if I choose to enter a relationship.” Ignoring the way the thought of her being with some tool makes me feel, I try to stay focused on what she’s saying.
“This is all so complicated. I never really thought about when we start introducing people to Noah on those terms before. It’s a little overwhelming.”
“Sunshine, you will figure it out. It takes time. Besides, you know how you said I could always talk to you? Well, that’s a two-way street.” She nods and her face clears as we both turn to watch the movie.
To my surprise, she inches a little closer and leans on me, looking up at me. “Thank you Dax.” Gulping as I see the look in her eyes, I smile and nod at her before returning my attention to the movie. Fuck. I know that look. There was no mistaking it this time. I’m no longer friend-zoned.
Andie catches my eye and starts making unsubtle motions, grinning ear to ear. Shaking my head, I give her a pointed look as Ava moves away. She pouts and leans in the whisper something to Lucas. Great. I need to fix this and fast. Ava is way too good for me. I’m scum pretending to be something else. Despite what Ava said, no secret of hers could even compare to the way I’ve acted. I have a criminal record for fuck’s sake.
Something will change that look. Something always does.
Lucas glances over at me, looking like he wants to say something.
“Sorry I’m late.” Dean opens the door, a couple of pizzas in hand. Thankful for the interruption, I jump up and give him a hand. Spreading the pizzas out on the coffee table, I grab a chair from the kitchen and go to sit next to Jaden.
Taking a huge bite of pepperoni pizza, I stare down Andie, who is glaring at me. She finally breaks eye contact, and I turn my attention back to the movie, grateful when I see Dean sit next to Ava. She glances at me before turning her attention to the movie, laughing as Dean makes a comment about Thor’s hammer.
I didn’t miss the hurt look in her eyes.
Ava isn’t in class on Tuesday when I arrive, so I set her latte on her desk. Settling in, I glance up and see some guy crowding Ava just outside the classroom. She looks extremely uncomfortable, and I’m up on my feet. Watching carefully as she tries to move past him, I growl when I see him move into her, blocking her exit.
Shoving my seat back, I’m out of the classroom and towering over him. “Let her go before I make you.” The words are low, barely containing my anger.
Rather than just walking away, the guy laughs and turns around. He chokes on a breath when he sees how livid I am, my body tense and ready to remove him. He glances back at Ava and I let out a low growl in warning. He scurries away like a scared mouse, but I’m just staring at Ava to make sure she is okay. Her face is a little pale, but her smile lights up her face as she hugs me. My arms wrap around her involuntarily, the primal feeling of pride at how small she feels against me makes me step away quickly. Gently pushing her into the classroom, I follow her to our seats and sit down wordlessly.
My phone vibrates distracting me from needing to deal with what just happened and the physical effect it had on me.
/> Peyton?
Swiping the screen, I open her text message.
Dax . . . I need your help. I want out. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Please come and get me.
Staring at the screen, I barely hear Ava thank me for the coffee. Realizing I haven’t said a word to her, I finally greet her as I always do. “Good morning, Sunshine.”
“Are you okay? You look a little dazed.” Her face is filled with concern, her eyes looking at the phone still in my hand. She seems to have forgotten what happened in the hall, her concern for me taking precedence.
“Oh, yeah. I just got a text from a friend. I need to pick her up after class today.” Ava’s face flashes with surprise, and it dawns on me. Peyton will help make that look go away, I can easily make Ava misinterpret my relationship with Peyton, and we could continue being friends. No harm, no foul.
Rather than the relief I expect to feel at this realization, I am disappointed.
Crap.
I tried to deny it. I tried to believe I could just be friends with her, but I’ve been sucked in. Looking over to where she is flipping through her textbook, I finally open my eyes and see her without the denial glasses I was feebly clinging on to.
Ava is gorgeous. Her dark brown hair, blue eyes, and creamy complexion is everything most people find attractive. Slender, but curvy. She doesn’t hit the gym as fanatically as Andie, but she is fit from chasing after Noah.
Attractive girls are a dime a dozen.
More than physically, though, she is smart, artistic, empathetic and observant. She cares about her friends and family. She is strong, witty and makes me laugh. She is everything I would identify in my ideal partner.
I, on the other hand, am less than ideal. Could I ever expect to be enough? Could I ever redeem my past enough to feel that she could be proud to have me on her arm?
Considering how I just responded to that guy hitting on her, part of me doubts my ability to ignore the attraction that’s been sneaking up on me.
