by Ashley Erin
Dax pauses as the server sets our drinks in front of us with the promise our food will be ready shortly. I don’t even look at her, the faraway look on Dax’s face distracting me. “It makes me wonder what changed, because I don’t think Dad was always the person he is now. I used to worry that whatever happened to him would happen to me . . . I still worry about it sometimes.”
Folding myself into Dax, I try to think of anything to say to make him realize how different he is from his father. No words seem to be enough, but the feeling that I need to say something overtakes me. “Dax, your dad isn’t well. Maybe things were better in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean a lot didn’t happen that you weren’t aware about. There is no doubt in my mind that you will never turn into your father.”
He rests his chin on my head. I know he is far away reflecting on whatever he sees of his father in himself. Waiting for him to come back to me, I ignore my phone when it vibrates in my pocket just holding onto him.
Sometimes I still see the look in Andie’s eyes as she seizes up, getting lost in her past. Both of them have that same tendency and I can only hope that one day I can bring Dax back the way Lucas can bring Andie back.
Dax releases a heavy breath and pulls away, smiling as my phone vibrates again. “Kinky. Why didn’t I think of bringing toys to dinner?”
Winking at him, I go along with it. “There is a lot you have yet to learn about me, but don’t worry I fully intend on teaching you.” The periodic vibrating doesn’t stop and I’m sure I have at least ten text messages. “I’m sorry, it might be my Mom.”
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I groan when I see that while Mom did text me, once, I have nine other messages from Joe. “Wow, he’s really pursuing you, isn’t he?”
Dax grins without shame as I look up to him peering down at my phone screen. “It’s exhausting, but I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve already told him it’s not going to happen.”
Reading the text from my Mom, I quickly type out where I left Noah’s Nintendo DS. Shutting my phone off, I slip it into my purse turning back to Dax as the Tammy chick brings us our food.
“I can’t say that I blame him. I would regret letting you get away too.” Dax’s grin is cheeky, and I’m glad to see he doesn’t seem to be stuck in his head anymore.
“Yeah well, sometimes second chances are impossible and this is one of those times.” I scoop a forkful of mashed potatoes, groaning as I take my first bite. “These are amazing. I would apologize for the garlic breath, but I cannot regret these potatoes. Anyways, even if Joe had stuck around, we would never have lasted. Some relationships are not meant to be. They are too hard and they bring out the worst in people.”
Dax moans as he tries his potatoes, distracting me from my train of thought. He is so sexy, and I love that it’s just who he is. He isn’t posing or trying, he just is. “There, now we both have garlic breath.” He breathes out the word breath making me laugh. I’ve rarely seen him act silly and usually it’s with Noah. “You’re right, some relationships are toxic. Others bring out the very best in people. They encompass all that is good and possible when you find the right person. Couples like Lucas and Andie.”
“Like you do for me.” The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. I couldn’t help it, as he was speaking all I could think was that Dax brings out all of my favorite things about myself. Looking at him, frozen in place, I wait for him to process that I just called him my soulmate without using that word. Do I even believe in soulmates? I think I do now.
“I was going to say that to you. I’ve never felt worthy and it didn’t bother me until I met you. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to straighten out and fit in with mainstream society, but aside from proving to myself, I could, I didn’t look any further. Then you happened. Everything to this point has been moving so fast, but for whatever reason it has felt right.” He laughs lightly. “Insert a manly comment here, because I’m pretty sure if the guys were here they’d revoke my man card.”
Elbowing him in the side, I grin. “Your secret is safe with me. At least until I have a girl’s night and spill the beans that you’re a softie.” My brain processes the words that I’ve said the second I quit talking. My breath catching, I hope that Dax realizes I’m teasing. He’s opened up so much today; I wouldn’t want him to think I would ever betray that. Dax stays silent and my verbal spewing rears its ugly head. “I mean obviously I wouldn’t say anything you didn’t want me to. I only meant that I would say that you have a soft side. Unless of course you didn’t want me to say anything at all. I don’t need to say anything. They will ask, but I can control myself. Not that I’m demonstrating that very well right now. I need to stop talking now.”
Clamping my lips shut, I focus on cutting the perfectly cooked chicken before me, avoiding any eye contact with Dax. It’s not until I finally have to gasp for air that I realize he is shaking with laughter. “Relax. I have spent enough time watching Andie and Kensi to understand how girls’ night works. I trust you, Ava. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here.”
“I guess I know that. Sometimes I just worry that some of the things I say will be misinterpreted. It’s been known to happen before, and not everyone deals with my tendency to just start talking incessantly as well as you do.” He kisses me lightly on the lips in reassurance, and we finally dig into our food.
Ava parks outside the apartment building, her car idling loudly. “I told Noah I would take him sledding for his birthday tomorrow. He asked if you wanted to come along. Would you?”
“I have classes until eleven. Can we go in the afternoon?” Saying yes to going is one more step in the direction of a serious committed relationship. Ava and I still haven’t defined what we are, but the more time I spend with her, the more I realize I want to claim her as mine. The knowledge that if Noah sees us together as more than friends means that Ava is telling me, without saying the words, that she is trusting me with more than her heart, but her family as well sits in the forefront of my thoughts.
I should be terrified. I should be taking this slow. That is the last thing I want. So far, following our instincts has worked in our favor, and I realize that I want more than anything to be a part of every facet of her life. Not just as her friend, but as her partner.
“Mom wants to do something in the morning, so the afternoon is perfect.”
Kissing her goodbye, I reluctantly watch her drive away and hope that tomorrow afternoon comes quickly.
For possibly the first time in my life, I don’t wake up when my bedroom door is opened. It’s not until I hear Andie’s voice getting closer to me that I finally realize it’s not a dream. “Wow. You were really out. I just got a call from my lawyer’s assistant. Apparently, the trial was bumped to today. She forgot to tell me last week, it’s a good thing she called to confirm I would be meeting them beforehand. I need you there and that means you need to get up now.”
Andie stays long enough to see me sit up before she races anxiously out of the room. “Shit.” Running my hand through my hair, I’m thankful that Ava will understand why I need to cancel on Noah.
Searching my bed for my phone, I tap the button. Nothing. It was plugged in, why is it dead? Groaning as I see that I somehow pulled the cord out of the wall, I quickly dress and search for Andie’s phone.
Dead also.
“What in the actual fuck? This can’t be happening.” Andie comes out of the bathroom, purse in hand. “Your car has a phone charger in it, right?”
“Yep. Ready?” Her voice is hoarse from her nerves.
Grabbing her arm, I pull her into a bear hug. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Once this is over you won’t have to think about it any longer. Maybe he will finally get some sort of help; we both know he needs it.”
She nods, handing me the keys to her SUV with a shaky hand. “Just don’t leave my side.”
“Is Lucas coming?”
She shakes her head. “He has a midterm today and then he is going to his parents for dinne
r to celebrate Noah’s birthday.”
She bends down to scoop up Luxe. Rubbing her cheek against his face, she takes a deep breath. Opening the door, I wrap my arm around her as she joins me in the hall. “Let’s get this done with so you can finally move on.”
Walking down the hall, I drop my arm and grasp her hand, squeezing it tightly. I’ve failed her in so many ways, I’m glad I can finally be where I need to be.
We’ve been driving for fifteen minutes when my phone finally turns on. “Will you please text Ava and tell her I can’t make it this afternoon?”
“There is no signal. We will have to wait until we’re closer to the city.”
Tapping my fingers against the steering wheel, I grit my teeth and nod as I look at the time. I know how Ava is, and it’s unlikely she will be checking her phone today, focusing entirely on Noah. At this moment, I wish she was more like other people her age and attached to her phone. Usually I love that she isn’t, but I need her to know why I’m not coming.
“Oh! Two bars.” Andie quickly types out a text explaining why I can’t make it, reading aloud as she goes. “Shit, no bars again. Your cell service sucks. I never have issues along this road.”
“My phone sucks, I think a demon possesses it and is laughing his ass off right now because I never have issues here either.”
Andie reaches over, resting her hand on my forearm comfortingly. “Don’t worry; we will make sure she knows.”
I can’t help feeling guilty that I’m so focused on my own shit when Andie is going through something actually important. I know Ava will understand, even if I don’t get this sent to her. Yet here is Andie, comforting me. “I’m sorry. I’m being a shitty big brother.”
“No, it’s okay. You’re distracting me from what is coming up. Although, I really need you to drive faster. You’re going ten under the speed limit, and I don’t have the patience for you to suddenly turn into a slowpoke driver.”
Glaring at her, I speed up to ten over. “Better?”
“Much.” She stares out the front window, chewing on her cheek as we get closer to Edmonton. “What if he gets out? What if they push it back, as we both know it’s a great possibility? I just want this done. I don’t want to think about it anymore.”
“I choose to believe that it will be resolved today. Then you can move on. Remember when we used to think the world was so small? That we would be stuck in some never-ending nightmare? Despite that, you poured yourself into something productive. This will eventually be a very small black mark in an otherwise amazing life. I have no doubt that you will have everything you dream of.” Glancing at her sideways, I’m relieved to see she is relaxing.
“I don’t say it enough, but I admire you, Nugget, and you are a big reason why I am here now and not still making dumbass choices. You are my idol. You are who I strive to be like. Now let’s show the world how badass you are and go in there with your head held high.”
“I love you, Dax.” Andie leans back into her seat and closes her eyes.
“I love you too, Nugget.” She smiles at my nickname, her demeanor finally completely at ease.
As we get closer to the city, I fervently beg for today to move quickly and provide some closure for Andie. The words that I spoke to her also held meaning to me. So many of my choices have been wrapped up in the guilt I felt for not being able to protect her. Closing this chapter in our lives feels like it will finally allow us to move forward.
Maybe I will finally be able to forgive myself for allowing my anger to get the best of me for so long, giving me the ability to strive for a life I honestly didn’t think I would be well-suited for.
My phone dings, notifying me that my message to Ava failed. Sighing, I look over at Andie. Getting her through this is more important at this moment. Knowing that Ava will be pissed off at me not showing up settles like boulders in my chest. One day I would like to accomplish not letting anyone down.
Checking my phone one final time, my heart breaks as there is still no contact from Dax. I’ve gone from worried, to pissed off, and finally settled on disappointed and heartbroken. This isn’t just me he’s standing up, that I could accept and get over, but it’s the fact I told Noah he was coming and now I need to be the one to let him down. “I’m sorry Noah, Dax can’t make it. He is really sorry.” Noah’s face falls, but he bounces back quickly. Most kids wouldn’t be so accustomed to being let down by the men in their life. Thankfully, Lucas and my dad set a better example than the men I’ve chosen to have in mine.
“It’s okay, Momma, we’re still going to have a lot of fun.” For a five-year-old, he is so resilient and understanding. I still can’t believe my baby is five.
“Yes, we are. Plus we have to race and see if I can finally beat you!” Abandoning my phone on the counter, we finally make our way outside and to the large hill on my parents’ property.
Noah gets onto his sled and waits for me to line up with him. “Ready . . . Set . . . Go!” He yells as he takes off, racing down the hill at a speed that I probably should be alarmed at. Giving him a head start, I slide after him picking up speed until I’ve almost caught up.
Noah sees me and shouts loudly. I slow down a little, letting him win. My sled starts wobbling and flips over causing me to tumble the rest of the way down the hill. Skidding to a stop, I gasp for breath as Noah’s face appears above me. “Momma! You flew. Can I try that?”
“No! Absolutely not. Why don’t I take some pictures of you sledding?” He races back up the hill with his sled and I sit up thankfully able to draw in a deep breath. “Ouch.”
Digging my small camera out of my pocket, I snap shots of Noah racing down the hill. It doesn’t take long to wear him out. After the fifth time down the hill, he drags his sled over to me and sits between my legs. “I love you, Momma.”
Wrapping him into a tight bear hug, I tuck my face into his neck. “I love you too.”
We sit like that until both of us are too cold. “Can I please have hot chocolate?”
“Of course.” Noah whoops and jumps up, racing back up the hill, any tiredness disappearing at the promise of his favorite winter drink. I envy his energy. Despite the fun we’ve had, part of me was preoccupied with the man I am giving my heart to piece-by-piece. Anger surges through me, and I fist some snow into my hands. I will not be that girl. I will not wrap myself so entirely into a person again. I did that with Joe, and I refuse to lose myself.
No man is worth it. I want a partnership, a loving relationship but one that allows individuality. Scolding myself for not shutting off my brain to focus entirely on Noah, I throw the snowball and with it release all thoughts of Dax. I can deal with him later.
Pausing for one last look at Noah sleeping in his bed, I shut the door and make my way to the kitchen. “Thanks for making his birthday so special Mom. I think he had a great day.”
“Good. I’m sorry you weren’t able to fully enjoy it.” She hands me a steaming cup of tea, gesturing to the living room.
“I didn’t know I was so obvious. I shouldn’t let something affect me so much. I think it was because once again I had to tell Noah that a man he admires is letting him down. It’s not something I want him to grow up with. He needs to be protected; he needs only positive role models. We finally make strides with Joe and yet here I am introducing another inconsistent man into his life.”
Mom shakes her head, tsking at me. “Ava, you can’t hold Dax responsible for Joe’s actions. This is his first transgression, and he may very well have a reasonable excuse. Everyone makes mistakes.”
“I know you’re right. I guess I just was disappointed as well. Is it crazy that I’m head over heels for this guy and until recently, we were only friends? I mean, I’ve known him less than six months. It feels impossible.” My phone rings from where I left it in the hall. Ignoring it, I wait for her input. It took a teenage pregnancy for me to appreciate how wise she is and how valuable her advice is.
“Love happens in its own time. It took me three days
to realize I loved your Dad. We’re all different; we just need to learn to listen to ourselves through all the doubts and obstacles.” She nudges me towards the hall as whoever is calling tries again. “Go. Listen. Process before your react.”
Dragging my feet, I miss the third attempt and see it is Dax trying to call. I also have three texts from Joe. Wavering, I take the cowardly way and deal with Joe first.
Joe: I hope you and Noah had a good day sledding for his birthday.
Joe: I regret messing up my chance with you when I had it.
Joe: All I ask is for one chance. One date.
Sighing, I hit ignore to another incoming call from Dax. Joe first,
Me: You had your chance. You need to respect my decision. Otherwise, we’re going to have a serious issue. Why won’t you accept what I’m telling you? This isn’t you.
Joe: Fine. I guess everything I’ve done has meant nothing to you. Don’t worry, I can do platonic ambivalence.
Me: Seriously? Now this I expect from you. If my decision not to be involved with you affects how you interact with Noah, you are gone from his life. I have no tolerance for inconsistency or bullshit.
Staring at my phone, I resist the urge to throw it when he doesn’t respond. Typical Joe, he doesn’t get his way and he shuts down. I’m just surprised it took this long.
Heading upstairs, I shut myself in my room and stare at my phone. I’m exhausted from dealing with Joe, but I know Mom is right. I know I would have heard him out, if I’ve learned anything in six years, it’s how to face a problem head-on.
Leaning against my headboard, I return Dax’s call. “Ava! I’m so relieved you called. I just got back to my place, I was about to jump in the car again. I’m so sorry for today, I tried texting, but I was having issues and then I needed to deal with something.”
