by Zoey Derrick
“He more than likely would have. That’s how he operates. Never getting close to anyone he sleeps with. Then again, he never really sleeps with anyone either. He’s a complex person, Raine, very difficult to figure out and even more difficult to tame. But I do know that he’s into you, like really into you. More than I’ve ever seen him act before.” Talon’s voice is gentle. “But, if you give him a chance, you need to know that there is a better chance that he will fuck up.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He chuckles a little bit and looks at me. “When Addison, Kyle and I first got together, I asked Addison for patience and understanding because I was going to fuck up and I have.” I look at him, shocked. “Not in the sense that I’m sure is running through your mind, but in the sense that relationships are a new thing for me. Just like they would be for Dex. I’d never even thought about wanting to be in a relationship until I was in one up to my eyeballs with the two of them. But I quickly realized that loving them was easier than I thought. Then I realized that because I love them so much that everything else is trivial. Nothing else matters if we can work through things together.” He scrubs his face. “But now…now I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“Still no word from him?”
He gives me a very sad smile. “No, and now it’s to the point that I fight the urge every minute to call him, to go find him. If for nothing else, answers, closure, anything. I just need to know so that I can reassure Addie. So that I can tell her that it will all be all right, but I can’t and that is what hurts the most.” He stands up, scrubbing his face again. I notice now that his hair is disheveled and his beard is growing longer and more unruly than his normal scruff. “I think the only thing that’s keeping me sane is Thursday.” I raise an eyebrow at him. “Our next show. Kyle has never missed a show, no matter what. No matter how drunk, how high, or how far away he may have been, he has always made it to the next show.”
“So you think he’ll just show up at the show?”
He nods and I look through the glass into the studio, watching Dex beat away on the drums. It’s the same beat he’s been playing for the last forty-five minutes, each time getting faster and more refined. It’s impressive.
“If he doesn’t show up, that’s when the cops will get involved. That…” his voice drops to a whisper, “that’s when I know something is very wrong.”
“I wish there was something I could do,” I mutter.
“You’re doing it.” He gives me that sad broken smile again and my heart breaks for him and Addison.
In an attempt to change the subject, I bring up the baby, but it doesn’t work, he just says that everything is fine. I can tell, just by the look in his eyes when I brought it up, that it’s something he hasn’t quite come to terms with yet.
“You do realize that everything happens for a reason, right?” I tell him and he looks at me.
“Addison says the same thing.”
“It’s very true, you know. It’s how I ended up here; it’s how you ended up here, on tour, doing something that you love. There is a reason behind it and maybe yours is Addison or Kyle, or both.” I give him a smile. “Everything, in the end, will be how it was meant to be.”
“You honestly believe that?” He raises an eyebrow at me.
“Absolutely. We all have our secrets, our own demons, our highs and lows, the good and the bad, but in the end, there’s a reason behind it all. An answer to the millions of unasked questions, reasonable explanations for which we will likely never know the why, but when we come to accept that there is a logical explanation, we come to better understand ourselves and who we are and what we wish to accomplish.”
“That’s a pretty profound statement.”
“It is, but if you stop and think about it, it’s true.”
He doesn’t respond to that, instead he goes back to watching Dex through the glass as he plays through the song one more time. Then he stops, hops out from behind the drum set and pulls off his shirt causing me to involuntarily drool all over myself as I watch him wipe down the sweat pouring from him. His back is to me as he drinks down about a half-gallon of water from the jug he’d brought in with him.
It is in this moment, this unguarded, drooling like an idiot moment that I realize, in the end; I am going to give in. I am going to talk to him, I am going to give him what he wants. Whether it’s a one-night stand or something more. And I know that I’m the one who is going to get hurt.
About six hours later, we’re wrapping up at the studio and I’m feverishly typing out an email to Cami in response to some of the issues she’s having back at the office. I’d spent a good part of the day tweeting and interacting on behalf of 69 Bottles, telling fans about being in the studio and the upcoming shows here in New York.
While watching the guys work, I decided that tonight I would go out and do what I’d wanted to do last night. I discussed it with Rusty at one point and he’s going to have Casey or Troy shadow me. He had insisted that it be him, but I told him he’d worked enough for one day.
Last night, when I left my suite, I only went downstairs to grab a bite to eat. I was too emotionally wrung out and too claustrophobic sitting in my room so Rusty had escorted me downstairs. I felt awful about it and tried to convince him that I wasn’t going to go anywhere but there. Ironically enough, he’d kind of disappeared part way through my meal, which I ate while reading the latest book by one of my favorite authors.
“Can I take you out to dinner?” Dex asks me as we arrive back at the hotel.
A part of me is screaming on the inside, say yes, damn it don’t miss this opportunity, but there is another part, equally as insistent, telling myself to make him work for it. “Not tonight.”
“I asked you to talk to me.” He’s actually a little hurt by my turning him down. Once we’re in the lobby I turn on him, facing him.
“Yeah, and we will. I know that one of the probably thousands of questions in your brain right now is about what happened last night. You deserve answers, and I promise you, I will give them to you, but not tonight.” I touch his shoulder and he looks at my hand and back to me. There’s desire burning in his eyes. My attempt to make him work for it is working better than I’d planned. Without really thinking about it, I move my hand from his shoulder to his cheek. His eyes close at the contact and he leans into it, sending my heart soaring and my blood burning. My breath hitches and if I didn’t know better, it’s almost as if he’s purring.
“We can talk about other stuff,” he finally says softly.
“Dex, I have no doubt that we can fill an entire evening with conversation about everything but that. But what that is, is something that I need to tell you and you need to decide for yourself what happens afterward.”
“It doesn’t matter what it is, it won’t…”
I put my fingers to his lips. “Please don’t say that. Please don’t say that unless you really know what it is I need to tell you and you need to hear it from me. So please, give me a day or two. Show me that the conversation is truly what you want to happen, and it will.” I pull my hand away from his lips. He takes my hand in his. “Good night, Dex,” I tell him and he kisses my knuckles.
“Good night, Raine,” he says sweetly to me and I head for the elevator. He doesn’t follow me, but Rusty does.
After several hours of wandering around New York City, Casey and I finally return to the hotel.
That’s when I see it, or rather him, sitting on the same semi-circle of couches as the other night and not much has changed. Except Mouse and Peacock are still with him and there are no less than six girls between them, one of which is sitting on Dex’s lap, running her fingers through his hair, smiling and talking animatedly with him. Everything else in the word fades away when she looks up at me, waves at me and then she plants her lips on his. I watch as his arms wrap around her, holding her to him, and he kisses her back, all the while she’s looking at me.
Beck, unbeknownst to him that I’
m watching, sidesteps in front of the two, blocking them from my view. Giving me my chance to escape into the elevator and up to my room.
That rat-fucking bastard. One minute he’s sweet talking me, the next minute he’s making out with some chick on the couch in a bar, seventeen floors below a room that he can take her into and have his way with her.
My skin crawls. My heart breaks.
“Right here, sweetheart.” I point toward my door.
“Oh,” she squeaks and giggles like an idiot. I will never understand why women think that’s attractive, but then again, I’m the idiot that brought her to my room. She hasn’t stopped touching me since we left the bar and she does so now as my drunken ass tries to unlock the door.
Just as I slide the card inside the slot, I hear a door open down the hall. I don’t look, assuming it’s one of the guys. I usher her inside. No, I don’t know her name, don’t ask. She’s all right in the face, nice body and she’s someplace to bury my cock for an hour.
Right as she walks in the door, past me, I catch a glimpse of who opened their door and I freeze. Standing against the frame of her door is Raine. Her arms are folded and a completely crushed look is etched on her face. I look from her to the chick who’s checking out my room and back to her again.
She pushes away from the wall and I think she’s going to come down here, but instead she says, “I should’ve known.” Then she goes into her room, lets the door slam shut and I hear the click of the deadbolt followed by the slamming of the chain.
The woman I brought up to the room with me comes up, runs her hand along my now limp cock and she rubs it. “What’s taking you so long, big man?” she purrs in my ear. I slip inside and let the door close behind me.
Knock, knock, knock.
I debate on not answering the door. In fact, I probably shouldn’t because whoever is out there will have to deal with whatever wrath rolls off of me.
Knock, knock, knock.
I’m standing naked about to get in the shower, trying to wash off the creepy fucking crawlies from seeing Dex with that other woman. Should I open the door?
Oh fuck it.
I grab the fluffy white robe off of the back of the door, put it on and cinch it at the waist.
I flip the chain, unlock the deadbolt and pull open the door.
“What?” I snap.
“Easy.”
I look up at him, he’s still clothed, looking delicious as always, but I can’t dwell on it. Not now, not anymore. “What do you want?” I say with an attitude.
“We need to talk.”
“Like hell we do.” I try to shut the door and he stops me.
“Yes, we do,” he says a little more sternly. “Can I please come in?”
“What happened to your bimbo?” I ask as I realize there wasn’t anywhere near enough time for them to have done anything.
“I threw her out.”
“Why?” I breathe.
“Because…” I watch as he looks down the hall toward his room. I peek my head out the door, expecting to see her and instead I see Casey.
“Just making sure everything’s all right,” Casey says with a smile. “Dex asked me to come.”
I smile a little and nod at him. “It’s all right.” Then I look up at Dex, my heart is pounding in my chest, and my body is coming alive from the look of desire in his eyes.
“Because I lost my head for a minute. Seeing you brought me back. I was angry that you turned me down for dinner, I was…fuck, Raine, I don’t know what the hell is happening. One minute all I want to do is talk to you, the next minute you infuriate me to the point of what I nearly did tonight.”
“Do what you want, Dex.” I have no control over him or what he does and I don’t even know why I let the fact that he brought some random chick to his room bother me, but it does. It fucking stings everywhere.
“Can I please come in? I really don’t want to stand in the hallway and talk.”
“I don’t know what else there is to say,” I tell him and try to shut the door again.
“Damn it, please let me explain, let me come in.” His eyes are pleading with me, desperate to talk, to what? I don’t really know.
My hesitation is in my eyes and he can see it. “I will be a perfect gentleman, I swear.” He makes an X over his heart and my resolve falters, cracks off and dissolves away at the sweetness in his voice, his eyes.
I look over to Casey and I nod. He smiles and turns back toward the other end of the hallway and I open the door for Dex to step inside. As he passes me, he leans over and kisses me on the forehead and the last little bit I was holding on to waltzes out the door behind Casey. I must stay strong. Do not let him seduce you. I repeat the mantra over and over in my head as I close the door. Effectively locking us into a tight space.
When I look at him, the air charges between us. The tension is as thick as frozen butter. “Talk,” I say softly as I cross my arms and lean against the wall.
“I think I need to explain Sunday night first.” I freeze up.
“I don’t know what you need to explain. I’m the one that left, remember?”
“You left because I fucked up,” he says and walks further into the room and he takes a seat on the foot of my bed. I slide along the wall so that I can see him and he can see me. “I lost my head.”
“Again with the head,” I grumble.
“I lost it because watching what Beck was doing to you made me jealous.” He looks at me, eyes serious.
I nearly expire from shock at his confession.
“I didn’t like what he was doing to you, it bothered me. Which,” his eyes dart to the floor, “is why I stayed back, trying to stay out of it, honestly trying to look away from it. But yet I couldn’t. I couldn’t because…because you were so fucking beautiful, laid out for him like that. Almost as beautiful as you were when I had my mouth on you. Then you called me over and I didn’t have a choice, well, I did, but I was desperate for you, your touch. I needed it like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” He’s still looking at the floor as he continues his speech. “When I came, I had every intention of taking Beck’s place … it got to be too much, I was overwhelmed by what I was feeling, what was running through my head and for the first fucking time in my life, I went soft in front of a woman I was desperate to be with because I’d let my head run the show. Then you freaked out and you left. I kicked Beck out almost immediately afterward, I was a fucking mess. I’m still a fucking mess.”
Finally his sad steel grey eyes meet my tear filled blue ones. He stands and closes the gap between us. His hands cup my cheeks while his fingers slide into my hair. “When I fucking look at you, nothing matters. Nothing else exists but you. I froze because I realized that something as precious and beautiful as you are deserves far better than I can give you. I’m a manwhore, I’ve been a manwhore and I will always be a manwhore and you deserve much better than that.”
With his declaration the tears streak down my cheeks hard and fast. The calloused pads of his thumbs gently wipe them away. “I don’t believe you will always be a manwhore.” That’s all I manage to say.
“Oh how I wish that were true,” he says in a rush of air filled with longing and loss. “I wish it were true so then maybe, just maybe, I’d be good enough for you.”
With that, he slants his lips over mine in a soft, gentle, passion filled kiss that has my insides quivering. His lips are warm, soft and gentle against mine. The slight stubble of growth tickles against my lips. I kiss him back, bringing my hands up to mirror his hands on my face. His open mouth kisses are met with mine. No exchange of tongues, just passion and desire. I lick along his bottom lip and he groans. His body melts against mine. His erection forms against my belly and I’m hot, ready, wanting. I lick his upper lip, then his bottom one, until finally I find his tongue and I begin licking and stroking mine against his.
I whimper and he swallows my cries as his hands move down my neck to my shoulders, coming to rest on the collar of my bathrobe. “You�
��re so fucking sexy in this thing,” he murmurs and goes back to kissing me. My heart flutters with joy and hope that maybe, just maybe, all my years of fantasy might be coming true.
Desperately wanting this fantasy to come true.
His hands tug slowly on my robe, bringing it down my shoulders. “I’m not…”
“Do you want me to stop?” he asks. There is some concern in his voice, but it seems truly genuine.
“No,” I assure him and capture his mouth once again, throwing my arms around his neck and pulling him into me. He’s so much taller than I am that I pull him down so far his body pulls away from mine and I shiver. My nipples harden into tight, painful peaks. I release him so that he can stand up more and bring his body back against mine.
His fingers trace lightly along my neck and the hollow between my neck and shoulder, leaving goosebumps in their wake. I shiver again. “You’re going to shatter me,” I say quietly.
He stills.
Our eyes meet.
“You’re right,” he agrees. The words are not hard or cold, they’re just simply the truth. “You deserve far better than this, Raine. I do not deserve you.” With that he rights my robe and steps back. “I can’t control myself when I’m around you. I think I should go.”
I’m momentarily frozen by his words and he kisses my forehead again as he slides past me toward the door. I finally come unfrozen as his hand reaches the door. “Dex?”
“Yeah, sweet girl?” He turns back toward me. His eyes are locked on mine. He looks haunted and afraid.
With that look, I see all I need to see as I let the robe slip from my shoulders and it flutters silently to the floor. His eyes travel down, taking in the sight of me, naked, before him. “One night. I will give you one night,” I whisper. I watch as he turns.
