by Stead, Nick
“You have been a lot calmer this month. Can you think of a better time to start training how to resist your urges?”
I couldn’t really argue with that, but it did nothing to increase my enthusiasm. I had once considered myself to be slave to the hunger that plagued me after each transformation, especially at full moon, and I knew what it would cost me to fight it. How could I face that torment when I was feeling so low?
My feelings must have shown. Lady Sarah fixed me with her gaze, a hint of impatience in her eyes. “You need these skills, Nick, and we must make use of whatever time we are given for me to teach you.”
“I know, but I’d rather wait till the full moon’s over with. Can’t we hang on, just a little longer? Those three nights will be exhausting enough as it is.”
“Do you think the Slayers will wait for you to rest? You are no longer in the human world. You cannot afford days off – you must continue to push yourself if you wish to survive. It is precisely because of the full moon I would rather work on your self-control now. We have done well to lose the Slayers again for the time being, and it is imperative we remain hidden for as long as possible.”
“But if I can’t control the hunger, surely putting temptation in my way is only going to make me more frenzied during the full moon again. It’s only a few more nights, then I’ll work hard to master my instincts in time for the next one, I promise.”
She was quiet for a few minutes, probably debating with herself the wisdom of waiting. Her face was as impassive as ever but I thought I saw a flicker of defeat in her eyes. “Very well. I need to feed, then we will see if you can concentrate on something easier. You may hunt as well, if you wish.”
“Wait, don’t go yet.”
She paused, and turned to give me a quizzical look, an eyebrow raised as if to say ‘Well?’
“I was hoping we could spend some time together, doing more than just hunting and teaching me new skills. It’s been over a year since we met but I still feel like I barely know you.”
“I need to feed and I would do so alone tonight. You know it is not in the nature of vampires to live and hunt in groups: we value our solitude. I will return in time, and we will work on another lesson before daybreak, if you are willing, but until then I wish to be alone.”
Before I could argue she was gone, moving so fast it was as though she’d vanished into the night. She might have been able to take a wolf’s form, but there was nothing in her nature that was wolfish, or particularly human for that matter. I knew better than to attempt to follow her. If I was going to get any answers it would have to be on her terms.
With little else to do, I roamed the fields and made another three kills, then returned to the barn to catch up on more sleep. Hunting helped take the edge off my hunger but that was all it did. The emptiness remained.
Lady Sarah returned and I tried to focus on the latest skill she decided to teach me. There’d been a noticeable drop in temperature so she deemed it time I learnt how to make a fire, which took me a while to get the hang of, especially as my mind kept wandering miserably back to my unsatisfactory kills. But I picked it up just before the new day dawned, grey and overcast like my mood.
The next few nights passed in much the same way, until the full moon was upon us again. It was a clear night and I barely had time to dig down to free Lady Sarah before the transformation took hold.
Without my rage, I was much more aware of the pain that night. I’d long since developed a higher pain threshold so it didn’t have me screaming in agony like it would’ve done just a year earlier. But it still had me on my knees, digging lengthening nails into the dirt and gritting sharpening teeth.
Blood boiled and sweat rolled down my grimy body, despite the chill of the autumn air. My guts felt like they were being moved, stretched and even squeezed by some invisible, sadistic surgeon. Some bones stretched outwards while others ground down to a shorter length. Fur erupted along the length of my body, and a tail grew from the base of my spine.
The change complete, the wolf took control. I couldn’t have fought him even if I’d wanted to, but in my current emotional state it was a welcome reprieve. I gave myself completely to the full moon madness, and silently I prayed for the feeling of being alive again when the sun rose.
I raised my nose to the wind and took a deep breath, filtering the scents passing over my nostrils with calm contentment. Life surrounded me, in the grass and the creatures that made their home there, and amongst the trees growing in the nearby patch of woods. But where there is life, there is also death. It sullied the sweetness of the air and brought a snarl to my lips. The stink of pollution from a passing car, and the hint of the grave clinging to the vampire – both out of place in the natural world.
My attention turned to Lady Sarah. Her eyes were wary, her body tense. She needn’t have worried. In the absence of the human’s hunger for killing, there was only the need to hunt for food to replenish my energy. I had no desire to slaughter needlessly this month.
“Nick?”
“You need not fear,” I growled in the wolven tongue. “My bloodlust is quiet.”
The tension left her in a long sigh of relief. “Come, then. We will hunt together, lest it returns to wreak more havoc.”
Shadows shifted and she became the beautiful she-wolf once more. Then she broke into a run and I followed, muscles flowing with a fluid grace as we raced across the land.
Two deer grazed between the trees. They barely had chance to sense their death rushing towards them before we struck, spilling their blood with a single bite.
My fangs pierced the doe’s windpipe and she died gasping for breath. I released her throat and struck at her belly, ripping into the flesh and attacking the organs within.
Lady Sarah was less of a messy eater, even in her wolf form. The doe remained trapped between her fangs as she drank the blood gushing between them. I imagined she must be feeling the same ecstasy those crimson juices brought me, but she remained watchful, her eyes never once leaving me as I fed.
I devoured the deer and set off in search of more, doing my best to ignore the craving for the humans I could hear in the distance. At least I had my freedom back, and fresh meat to feed on, unlike the nights I’d been forced to make do with cold, rotting flesh.
This full moon passed fairly peacefully, for us at least. We raced beneath the ghostly orb, taking only what we needed from the animals of the land. The human’s rage remained quiet and no unnecessary blood was shed. It was far from perfect, but with the vampire’s help we managed those three nights in relative safety. There was no trail of carnage to lead the Slayers to our new home.
“You have done well, young wolf,” Lady Sarah said as the full moon began to set for the third and final time that month. “I think we will stay here awhile, so we can work on your self-control.”
I growled. My next trial was about to begin.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Growing Emptiness
My struggle to adjust to life outside of the human world wasn’t getting any easier in the days after the full moon. The rage hadn’t returned. It was as if I’d only ever had a finite amount and I’d used it all up during the previous month. In its absence, Lady Sarah hadn’t felt the need to reapply the mental chain she’d been keeping me on, trusting that I would have enough sense not to do anything stupid now anger wasn’t clouding my mind.
Life still seemed to hold no meaning without it, but the vampire wasn’t any more forthcoming about her past or any current interests she might have. I still had no idea what she did besides feeding and giving me lessons in survival, and I couldn’t even begin to guess at her innermost thoughts and feelings. So whenever she wasn’t teaching me anything, I was left alone with my own thoughts. It might not have been the healthiest way of passing the time, but what else could I do?
I kept thinking about the way I’d grown to enjoy mindless acts of violence, and what had been missing with my latest kills. Maybe the problem was the size of the prey.
Could they be simply too small to reawaken my bloodlust? It might sound like a foolish idea now but such were the thoughts running through the last vestiges of my old human self. As a species are we not obsessed with bigger and better, and finding the next best thing? I started to wonder if larger prey could really prove to be more satisfactory. Entertaining the thought gave me something to focus on besides the growing emptiness inside, at least.
I tried to resist the temptation at first. For one thing, Lady Sarah had only just given me my freedom back. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my existence under her spell because I’d given her too many reasons not to trust me. It was hard though. I really needed something to distract me from my inner turmoil.
Lady Sarah’s scent carried on the wind. I looked out across the fields and sure enough, there she was – a dark figure outlined against the surrounding shadows, stalking towards me.
“That was quick,” I said. “Was it a good hunt?”
She wiped away a crimson rivulet trickling down her chin. “As good as it gets with animals. You are not the only one who misses human prey.”
I gave a non-committal snort. “Is that all there is to our existence – hunting mortals and evading those who fight back?”
Lady Sarah shifted her gaze to the stars. “It is still early yet. We should make the most of the hours of darkness.”
Despair threatened to engulf me. The conversation felt like it was going even worse than the first time I’d tried to talk to her. “I still feel like I barely know you. Maybe we could chat for a bit before whatever you have planned for tonight’s lesson?”
She met my eyes again. The earthy colour of her irises ought to have been warm and inviting, but they felt colder than ever. Was it just my imagination, or had they darkened? “There is little to know.”
“Well what do you do on a night after you’ve fed? You say you left the human world behind long ago. Don’t you ever indulge in human activities once in a while? Or do you prefer to be amongst nature? You must do something with the eternal life you’ve been given, besides eat and sleep.”
“Once I have fed, I am content to observe from the shadows.” That seemed rather cryptic to me. Her face was unreadable, her expression giving nothing away. She might as well have been carved from stone.
“Who are you, Lady Sarah? You’re more than just a predator. We all are, even if all traces of our humanity are gone. What do you do all night while you’re alone?”
Her tone turned sullen. “I cast off my humanity long ago and you would do well to do the same.”
The topic was clearly not open for debate, and so she remained shrouded in mystery for the time being. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about it more until recently. Since I’d been bitten she’d acted as my teacher, giving me insight and knowledge into the new world I’d been plunged into. She continued to teach me the new set of rules for survival and for that I would always be grateful. But it was hard to think of her as my friend when I still, even after all that time alone with her, didn’t really know anything about her. And I suddenly felt the desperate need for a friend.
I might not be able to live among humans any longer, but shreds of my humanity remained, even if it was in tatters. And of course wolves are also pack animals. Both halves of my being longed for company. Lady Sarah might be a solitary hunter but I was growing lonely again, and she couldn’t really fill that void while she remained so distant.
“I’m trying the best I can, but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. There was no room for boredom when we were constantly on the move and don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we’ve been given this opportunity to settle down for some time, but I’m bored now and I need more than just sleeping and hunting. There’s got to be something more than this.”
“Then perhaps it is time we worked on your self-control; that should be suitably challenging to break up the tedium of staying in one place.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I growled.
Her face grew stern. “The sooner you learn to survive undetected by humans the better, and the key to that is controlling your instincts. It would help if you could learn to truly accept who you are. If you cannot make peace with your lupine half, you can never hope to truly master your desires. As a whole you could be so much more powerful, and it would allow you greater control over your urges. It is natural for the two to exist as separate identities when the lycanthropy first takes hold, but you must embrace the wolf if you are to survive.”
I shook my head. “Just because I’m beginning to accept what I am doesn’t mean I’m ready to become one with him.”
“How can you truly accept who you are if you are not willing to become one?”
I shrugged and stared at the floor.
“And if you were as accepting as you seem to think you now are, you would have said who and not what. Surely you don’t still consider us to be monsters?”
I met her eyes again. “No, I realise now the undead are predators just like any other carnivorous species, and how can I continue to be horrified by our choice of prey when I’ve taken so many human lives in cold blood? It’s our actions that make us monstrous, and after everything I’ve done these last few months, I guess I have become one of the monsters. But it’s not the thought of killing yet more humans that’s holding me back. I guess you could say I’m still evolving. Most guys my age would just be going through the natural process of growing up and settling into a mature mindset but no, I have it more complicated. If I attempt to merge the two halves of my mind what effect is it going to have on my mental state, in addition to all the emotional changes still going on and the struggle to adjust to this new lifestyle?”
“Your new lifestyle would not be a problem for the wolf, yet still you insist on suppressing him the majority of the time. Whether you wish to admit it or not, you need him to survive.”
“Well I don’t think he wants to join with me either. He only sees the darker side of humanity and he wants nothing to do with them. He might not be a true wolf but he wants to stay as close to one as he can, and he’d quite happily suppress me for the rest of our life if he could. Just as I would have suppressed him when I first learnt he’d been killing people each month. I don’t think either of us is ready to make peace with the other yet so for now this is the way it needs to be.”
“At least try to listen to each other then, if nothing else. Allow your wolf half more control; gain his trust.” I could tell she wasn’t particularly happy with the way this conversation had gone, and sure enough she added “You may feel you need more time, but time is a luxury we do not have. The longer you continue to live with a divide between your two halves, the longer you endanger yourself. You are much more vulnerable this way.”
“Yeah, I’ll try,” I said, somewhat unconvincingly. “Forget the self-control lessons for now anyway; I’m still not quite ready after the madness of the full moon. There’s got to be something you can share with me about your past – maybe some tale to keep me going? I mean, you lived in the age of heroes and magic and great battles for God’s sake, the time when legends were born!”
“Yes, it is curious that, with all of mankind’s advances, they should still be so interested in ages past. They continue to seek out new truths, yet science can only reveal to them so much. With each new truth their minds become closed to other wonders that have no place in their science. Truths long since forgotten now elude them, and so they continue to look to the past for all that which was once so much more than mere myth and legend.”
“So tell me about life back then. Were dragons and wizards real? What about King Arthur and Merlin and the Knights of the Round Table?”
“You already know that there is magic in the world, so yes, there were wizards and other types of magicians. But I know not whether dragons were ever more than legend. I have certainly never seen one. As for King Arthur and Merlin, they were before my time. Now, if you insist on waiting another night before we work on your self-control, I would be alon
e again. I have nothing more to teach you at present.”
The void grew bigger, befriending her seeming hopeless. Dejected, I watched the shadows swallow her up again, and she remained as mysterious and distant as ever.
Sunlight swept across the land and my loneliness increased. I wandered the fields, wrestling the temptation to visit the nearby town. As dangerous as it would be to return to the human world, the need for companionship only served to make such places more inviting. But I knew it was too risky so I forced myself to turn away and trudged towards the patch of trees.
With nothing better to do, I decided I may as well hunt for more small prey. Depression was creeping back over me and I didn’t feel particularly hungry, but I knew I needed to keep my strength up. Especially with winter approaching.
Rustling in the undergrowth alerted me to the presence of wildlife. I trod with greater care as I drew nearer to my prey, prowling like the predator I was, even in human form. Yet in spite of my efforts to move as stealthily as possible, I still lacked the skills of my lupine half. Something crunched beneath my feet and the rabbit shot off towards its warren. I swore and broke into a run, but I wasn’t close enough to reach it in time. It disappeared down a burrow and I came to a stop, panting and cursing.
I considered digging down to grab it when the noise of grass being trampled came from behind. Someone was following me! And I’d been too intent on my prey to notice.
I spun round to face the human who I was sure would be one of the Slayers, my nails and canines elongating with barely a conscious thought. My eyes turned amber as I bared my fangs in a warning snarl, ready to pounce. It seemed my theory about the need for larger victims was about to be put to the test.
But for a supposed enemy, the guy was acting very strangely. There was no hatred burning in the dark eyes like I’d encountered before with the Slayers. No, these eyes were filled with wonder as they gazed out of a face only a few years older than my own. “So it is true.”
