“Sweetheart,” he sighed, taking off his tie as he walked around the vehicle and got behind the wheel. “I have a feeling you've never been manhandled.”
“Damn right, I haven't! Who do you think you are!?” she demanded. He turned on the engine and glanced at her.
“I think I'm the guy controlling exactly where you're going and where you're sleeping tonight,” he replied, then he peeled out of the parking spot, tossing his tie into the wind.
“I paid for that!” she shouted, twisting to look behind her. The scrap of fabric was lost in the darkness.
“I'll pay you back.”
“You're being stupid.”
“You're being stupid.”
“This is basically kidnapping.”
“Okay, now seriously, that was actually stupid.”
“What is wrong with you?” she yelled. “I went to your family's house, I went to dinner, I met everyone. I went to the beach, I watched you surf, I let you throw me in the water. All those things, and you couldn't do what I want for one evening?”
“Jesus, I feel like we're dating,” he groaned, rubbing at his eyes.
“Hey, watch the road!” she snapped, punching him in the arm.
“The difference between what I wanted to do, and what you wanted to do, is that I didn't want to change you,” he tried to explain. “Ayumi, you just tried to dress me up like a doll and then treated me like your stupid step-child. What the fuck was that?”
“Are you joking? You made me go swimming, and I don't like the water. You made me drive this car, and I can't drive stick shift. How is what I did any different?” she asked.
“My things were fun, and were things you actually did want to do, and I didn't require you to change how you looked, spoke, and behaved.”
That shut her up for a moment.
“I wasn't trying to change you,” she finally said. “I was just trying to ... help you be a grown up. For once.”
That did it. He was over her bullshit. He veered off the road, startling a shriek out of her. They had been on the outskirts of town and he drove them down a dark, bumpy path, pushing them towards the San Marcos Foothills. Ayumi was gripping on to the door handle, holding on for dear life, but he didn't care. He kept his foot down on the gas till he saw what looked like an old service road, or logging road. Something rarely used. He cranked the wheel hard and inertia sent her careening across the seat, sliding into his side.
“Are you insane!?” she shouted over the engine and the wind. To answer her, he slammed on the brakes. The car slid a good fifteen feet and she was forced to put her hands against the dashboard to brace herself.
“Fucking possibly,” he shouted back, turning the car off but leaving the lights on. “I actually thought you could be a human fucking being.”
She gasped, “what's that supposed to mean?”
“It means, Ice Queen, exactly what it sounds like it means,” he replied. “How would you fucking like it if I told you that you were a big mistake? If I told you the way you dress, the way you act, isn't good enough? After everything that went on between us the other day – or hell, this past whole fucking week – you think it's okay to talk to me like that? No wonder you don't have any fucking friends.”
She recoiled as if he'd threatened to hit her, pressing her back to the car door. She stared at him for a second, her gorgeous eyes opened wide, her red lips slightly parted. Then, much to his horror – and hers, if her face was anything to go by – she started to tear up. She blinked rapidly, then jerked around in her seat, scrambling to open her door and almost falling in her rush to get out of the car.
“Ayumi,” he groaned, letting his head drop back for a second before climbing out after her. “Where are you going?”
“Home!” she shouted, speed walking away from him. He jogged up to her and blocked her path.
“What, you gonna walk all the way back to Santa Barbara?”
“No.”
“Didn't think so.”
“I'm going to walk all the back to San Francisco,” she added, marching around him. He started laughing at her.
“Stop it, you're being ridiculous. Get back in the car -”
He choked on his words as she let out a shriek and went down hard to the side. She completely disappeared from view and for a moment he wondered if she'd stepped into a black hole. Then he ran over and saw her floundering in a shallow ditch.
“Jesus, that hurt,” she groaned when he squatted down next to her.
“Are you okay? What happened?” he asked, helping her to roll onto her butt.
“I'm fine, don't worry about me,” she snapped, bending her left leg so she could rub at her ankle.
“You're clearly not fine. Let me see it,” he said, trying to pull her leg closer while he took off her shoe.
“Stop it, I don't need your help.”
“Yes, you do, so just shut up and let me help.”
“You can't see anything, I'm wearing tights and -” she fell silent when he ripped a hole in the material and simply pulled it away from her ankle. “Why do you do that? Do you know who much these cost?”
“No, and I don't care,” he replied, holding her leg up higher so he could use the tail lights to get a good look. “Looks okay. Does this hurt?”
He tapped his fingers over her flesh and watched her face. She was fine on the top of her foot and around her achilles tendon, but when he ran his hand just under the side of her ankle joint, she hissed and yanked her leg away.
“What, because your twin is a doctor, you think you're one? Just go away,” she bitched, struggling to pull herself upright.
“Did you seriously just fucking say that to me?” he asked, standing upright. When she almost toppled over, he didn't even try to help her.
“Did I stutter?” she said, limping her way up the side of the ditch. “I don't need your help. Clearly, I don't need anyone, seeing as how I'm just some lame friendless loser to you.”
“Hurts when someone says fucked up shit about you, doesn't it?” he snapped, following her back to the car. “The only difference is, I said something true. You said something just to be a bitch.”
“Are you seriously calling me names while I'm injured?”
“What the fuck is going on, Ayumi? I thought we were having a good time. I was obeying all your stupid fucking rules, you seemed okay, I was okay. Why are you making me play dress up and make friends with people we don't know?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest and staring down at her as she sat on the back of the trunk.
“I wasn't trying to do that,” she insisted, bending in half so she could rub at her injured leg. “Look. I only know how to be this way, okay? I'm sorry if that bothers you. I'm sorry if suits and wine tastings aren't your thing. Maybe they're not even mine, but they're all I know, they're what I'm used to, they make me feel like an adult. I thought maybe you'd like to feel like an adult, too. I'm sorry, Liam, but I'm not gonna change into some happy, peppy, silly girl over night. I'm not Katya.”
Rage washed over him and he moved so he could loom over her.
“What the fuck is it with all you people!?” he shouted, startling her. “I own a fucking business. I own real estate. I pay my fucking taxes, I donate to charity – christ, I even pay my bills on time! I'm this big fucking joke to all of you, yet who is the person carrying drunk people up stairs? Who is the person giving Tori a promotion so she can afford to keep her apartment? Who is the person keeping his junkie brother out of prison? Who is the person taking care of all of you!? When will I ever be adult enough for you assholes!?”
“Oh, give it a rest and spare me the sob story!” she yelled back. “You whine and bitch about your family – wanna try living with mine? You know what your problem is, Liam? You don't have any problems, so you have to make shit up. That's why you act the way you do, that's why you chase after girls like Katya.”
“You keep bringing her up – jealous?” he asked in a snide voice. She shook her head.
“No,
I'm embarrassed for her.”
“You're being a fucking bitch,” he spit out at her. That seemed to stun her for a second, then she shook it off.
“I never pretended I wasn't one.”
“No, you're pretending right now,” he pointed out. “This isn't you. That chick in the ocean? Driving my car? The one with the scar? That's the real you. This bitch is just the mask you put on to keep everyone away. Why are you pushing me away? Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you!?”
And what's wrong with me that I'm still here trying?
AYUMI WASN'T QUITE sure when the night had started to go so badly. Possibly when she'd gotten jealous of him flirting with Team Coed. Or maybe when she'd made fun of him for putting ice in his wine, in front of a group of strangers. Or possibly when she'd forced him to change his clothes and brush his hair. Though if she was honest with herself, it was when she'd come up with the stupid idea to go wine tasting.
I liked his hair messy. I liked his cheap vodka. I loved watching him surf. He's right – what the fuck is wrong with me?
She was scared. That was the problem. She'd enjoyed their driving lesson, and if that ranger hadn't happened along, she would've had outdoor sex for the first time in her life. That wasn't who she was, though, Ayumi didn't do things like that – what was going on?
It was that little voice whispering in the back of her head, over and over again, “but with me, he means it”. It was driving her crazy. She was railing against it, fighting, clawing.
He did not mean it. Any of it. Nothing he said. Not one word. He'd said all those things to Katya (and who knew who else) and they'd all been lies. They were all lies with Ayumi, they had to be, she refused to ever think of herself as special. She certainly couldn't be special to a man like him, a man who enjoyed life and smiles and a carefree existence, all the things that were her very antithesis.
And beyond that, the way she was feeling was against her rules. She refused to get attached to any man, and especially that man. She shouldn't have come on the trip, and she really shouldn't have slept with him again. It just confused everything. She couldn't possibly, really, have any feelings for him. They were night and day. Polar opposites. She didn't like him, not one little bit, so she'd made him dress ridiculous and she'd treated him poorly, just to remind herself of that fact. Just to remind him, too.
“You don't get to talk to me like this,” she said in a steely voice. “I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your wife, I'm not your property. I'm nothing.”
“Don't say that,” he snapped, slashing his arm between them. “Don't act like you have any fucking clue what I'm thinking.”
“I know exactly what you're thinking,” she snapped right back. “You're thinking you got a nice piece of ass, and the cherry on top is getting me to like you so you can feel good about yourself! I'm not your therapy dog, Liam! I'm not here for you to use so you can feel better about what a shitty person you are! I'M NOT KATYA!”
Well.
She wasn't sure where that had all come from – Ayumi was very skilled in bottling her emotions. In keep them to herself. She never lashed out, she never showed her true feelings. Hence her little arrangements. Hence her rules.
Looking at Liam right then, though, it had broken something in her. The red tail lights casting a harsh glow on his face, highlighting his angry brow. His clenched jaw. His tense mouth. A mouth she knew could smile oh so well while it told such very pretty lies.
I don't want it to be about Katya. Or other girls. Or some arrangement. Or controlling him. I want it to be about me and him. I want him to smile at me, and to know it's for real.
“Are you fucking shitting me!?” he roared, his voice echoing off into the woods around them, startling her a little. She'd never seen Liam so angry, hadn't known it was possible. “This isn't about me being a shitty person, or Katya or anything that happened with her. If those things were a fucking problem, you and I never would've gotten started. You know what this is about? This is about you being a goddamn control freak who has completely lost control, and you just want to blame someone. You wanna talk about being an adult? Take some fucking personal responsibility.”
I think to lose control, I'd first have to have control, and I'm beginning to realize that when it comes to Liam Edenhoff, I was never even close to having any kind of control.
“This has to be a fucking joke,” she said, managing to keep her voice strong even as the tears she'd been struggling with finally spilled down her cheeks. “The class clown talking to me about being an adult – the man who needs random women to validate his existence.”
For a moment, she thought he was going to lose it. The rage that washed over her face when she called him that name, it was intense. She'd hit a nerve. She wouldn't be surprised if he took off, just left her there in the woods. He looked like he was contemplating it.
I'd deserve it.
He didn't leave, though. Instead, there was a long, heavy silence. She glared up at him, refusing to be embarrassed by the tears she couldn't seem to stop. He stared right back down at her, not breaking eye contact once. Finally, he took a deep breath and stepped even closer to her.
“Now you're just trying to hurt,” he said in a soft voice, which shocked her even more than if he'd yelled. “Something I would never do. I know this isn't you, Ayumi. I know. So fine. If you think I'm the class clown, fine. If you want to believe that I need all these other women to function, then fine. You can think all those things. But I know you're not really a heartless ice queen, no matter how much you try to hurt me.”
His words. If she'd been broken earlier, now he'd just shattered her. Scattered her to the wind, to the forest floor. She wasn't the person she loathed anymore, not the body she hated. She was just Ayumi, standing in front of Liam. She gasped on a sob and dropped her face into her hands.
“I don't want to believe it!” she shouted. “I hate thinking it. So many girls, so many people. I hate it. You say all these amazing things to me, and I want to believe them so badly, but I can't. I just can't. No one says those things to me, no one thinks those thoughts about me. I know you, too, and you lie. I can't ... I won't ... you can't lie to me. Don't lie to me. I'm not those other girls, I don't want to be like those other girls. I hate those other girls.”
She was sobbing hard by the end, unable to breathe. Her legs started to crumple and she slid off the trunk, but before she could completely fall, she felt his hands grabbing her. Forcing her back up against the car, then prying at her own hands, pulling them away from her head.
“Stop,” he breathed, his lips near her temple. “Please, Ayumi. Stop. I haven't even looked at anyone else since our first time together. It's just you and me, right now, in this moment. No one else.”
She cried harder as he cupped her face in his hands, forcing her to look up at him.
“But I don't want this,” she was gasping for air. “You have lots of these moments, with lots of girls. I never get to have any just for me, with anybody.”
He smiled sadly at her for a second, then he gently swiped his thumbs under her eyes, wiping away tears.
“Don't you get it yet?” he whispered. “The moments when I'm with you, there are no other girls. No one else exists. You're it. You are the moment.”
She let out a deep shuddering breath, and if she'd been given a chance to take one back in, the moment would have passed. She would've argued with him. Said something else. Not believed him. Not gotten caught up in the moment.
But he did know her. In the short amount of time they'd spent together, Liam had grown to know her almost better than she knew herself. He knew she would ruin everything, and knew she didn't really want that, so he stopped the moment in its tracks. He leaned down and kissed her.
She stayed completely motionless, still afraid of him. Afraid of herself. Too frightened to trust her feelings, and too scared to believe in him.
But when he pressed his entire length against her, she couldn't stand it. Liam was a natural furnace, he seemed t
o just run hotter than most people. His warmth enveloped her and surrounded her and she simply couldn't deny it anymore.
But with me, he means it.
She gasped against his mouth, then kissed him back. Seemed to stun him a little when she raked her nails up his chest, but he didn't stop. His tongue darted between her lips, causing a tremor to shake her body, then he was pulling away.
“You're angry,” he breathed, dropping his hands to her hips.
“I was,” she agreed.
“I don't want to do something you're going to regret tomorrow,” he said slowly.
Ayumi let her eyes fall shut for a moment. Took several deep breaths. Then she opened her eyes and stared straight up at him.
“I could never regret you, Liam,” she whispered. “I'm so sorry ... I'm sorry I try to ruin things. You're wonderful and I'm ... I'm broken. I don't want to break you, too. I don't deserve you.”
What he did next wasn't so much a kiss as it was a perfect swan dive onto her mouth. They both groaned and he leaned all his weight into her, forcing her hard against the car. Both their hands were everywhere, tugging and pulling at clothing, smoothing over flesh, scratching over skin.
“You deserve so much more than you realize,” he panted against her as he kissed along her jawline. “Why did you try to ruin it?”
“I was scared of you, and I was mad at myself,” she replied, quickly undoing all the buttons on the awful shirt she'd made him wear.
“And you took it out on me,” he finished for her, then he made her squeal when he dug ins fingers harshly into her hips. “I didn't appreciate it.”
“I know. I'm sorry,” she replied, pushing and shoving the material down his arms, then watching as it fluttered to the ground.
“God, I don't think I've ever been that angry,” he growled, and she gasped when her own shirt had all the buttons ripped off it in one neat jerk.
“I didn't know I could make you feel so strongly,” she replied, letting her shirt join his on the forest floor.
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