Book Girl and the Famished Spirit

by Mizuki Nomura

  Amemiya’s lips were blue like someone who had been in the ocean for a long time. She was breathing wildly, her thin shoulders heaving, and she gazed at Tohko beseechingly.

  “Please!… Stop. You can’t tell him that. Please, please don’t.”

  “But, Amemiya, Kurosaki is your—”

  “Don’t say it!!”

  Tohko shut her mouth, conflicted, but Ryuto’s voice rang out behind her.

  “She’s… Hotaru is your daughter, Kurosaki!”

  Amemiya whirled around to look at Ryuto.

  “Don’t be insane!” Kurosaki growled, but Ryuto fixed him with a glare. His eyes sparked deep within. Holding his stomach, he leaned forward and started shuffling toward us.

  “Nngh… Hotaru told me! You gave her food and told her you were never comin’ back, and then you left. Hotaru was so hysterical that she smashed everythin’ in that room with your golf clubs. Nngh—that’s how much of a shock it was when you left her. Hotaru clung to me and babbled about a lot of stuff.”

  “Stop it, Ryu!”

  Amemiya pleaded with him.

  Occasionally resting against a pew, panting raggedly, he made his way slowly up the aisle. As he went, he questioned Amemiya with merciless intensity.

  “Isn’t that right, Hotaru? You told me that, didn’t you? You said he was your real dad. That your parents got married so your mom could have you.”

  “Stop it!”

  “You said Kurosaki was the one she loved, that she felt sorry for your dad.”

  “Stop it, Ryu! Just stop!”

  Amemiya started to cry. Ryuto shouted, “You told me that, Hotaru! You said Kurosaki was your real dad! You… you told me that!”

  Finally Amemiya covered her ears with both hands and shook her head; then she fell to her knees.

  “Nooooo!”

  Kurosaki was wide-eyed and dazed. Tohko spoke to him sadly.

  “What Ryuto said is the truth. There are words in the notes Kayano left at school that point to that.—‘I will protect Aoi’s child.’ ”

  Kurosaki let out a bestial groan from deep in his throat. He was violently torn between his inability and his unwillingness to believe it. Maki was the one who delivered the final judgment.

  Maki had been standing alone by the wall, watching everything with a tranquil look. She began speaking now in a detached tone.

  “At the time, Kayano was under the control of her guardian, Hironobu Goto. If he learned that she had a child by the nameless boy Kujo had brought back with him from abroad, he certainly would have forced her to have an abortion. Kayano knew that, so she had to quickly find a husband with the privilege and power to protect her child. That man was Takashi Amemiya.

  “Kayano’s plan was extremely selfish and ill-planned. I’m not trying to defend her in any way. It turned out to be a catastrophe for Amemiya, who raised another man’s child, thinking it was his own. For that, he was detested by the real father, his company was taken over, and his heart condition worsened and he died. You can’t call that anything but a terrible waste.”

  The unperturbed, coldly objective look in Maki’s eyes lent the quantity of her barbed words a piercing persuasiveness.

  Kurosaki’s eyes were wide in his ashen face. I could sense the shock that he was feeling, and cold sweat ran down my back.

  The girl he had persecuted for being the daughter of a man he hated was his own daughter. He must have felt beyond any hope. He had sold his soul to the devil to reclaim the past, and all he had gained was the sin of defiling his own daughter.

  Amemiya was kneeling on the floor, her dress spread out around her, hugging herself and weeping.

  Tohko spoke to her gently.

  “You knew he was your real father, didn’t you, Hotaru? Your housekeeper was the one who gave you that message from your mother. She had written it inside the George MacDonald book The Day Boy and the Night Girl that she read to you when you were little.

  “I saw the complete collection of MacDonald on the bookshelf in the basement room. The Day Boy and the Night Girl was the only one that was missing, and The Light Princess and Other Stories was in its place, a paperback published by a different company. Since his complete children’s collection is out of print, it couldn’t be replaced with the same book.

  “Why was The Day Boy and the Night Girl the only one missing? Konoha told me that you were reading it in the library at school and that there were numbers written on the inside of the cover. He also told me that your housekeeper said she gave you a gift from your mother for your birthday.”

  Amemiya’s shoulders trembled with her sobs.

  “My mother… was a horrible person. She was betraying my father all along. He was so wonderful, but I wasn’t his daughter. I was his. She wrote how she felt about him all over the book. I love you… I love you… Even if my body is destroyed, my soul will be with you forever… You are me and I am you… You were more important to me even than myself… So I wanted to give you a bright future, even if I had to exchange the happiness I could have had with you… You’re so smart, and if you pay a little attention to your appearance, you’re too wonderful to lose out to anyone, and you’re brave and resilient…”

  Amemiya’s voice trembled as she wept. She was utterly forsaken.

  “Hkk… Why did she leave that book to me? She even put in a piece of paper with the hint to start from the K in Kayano. Why would she try to tell me something like that?

  “I’m sure she never imagined that I would become her replacement and that I had already learned the number code. I could read it just fine without the hint. I had to read the love letters my mother had written to a man who wasn’t my father, even though he loved her with all his heart. He would stroke my hair and tell me I had started to look like my mother. He sounded so pleased when he said it… He would smile and tell me how happy he was that he had been able to marry my mother… And she betrayed him. Nngh… She was awful. I feel sorry for my father.”

  I wish I could go to some other world… like the girl in this book… I wish I could go to the world of light…

  That’s a secret. I can’t tell it to anyone.

  Amemiya had whispered morosely, hugging the old book to her chest.

  Kayano had stared back at me in the chemistry lab, her eyes infinitely frail.

  It was too cruel that one girl was forced to bear the weight of a truth that had lain dormant for seventeen years.

  Amemiya had borne it alone, deep in the darkness, hugging the secret to her heart.

  What would happen to them now? How could Amemiya or Kurosaki be saved?

  All we could do was hold our breath and watch her as she sobbed.

  The gun slipped from Kurosaki’s hand and hit the floor with a dull thud. He knelt down as if in penance and muttered haltingly, holding his head in his hands.

  “My daughter… If I’d known… If I’d met her as my daughter…”

  Perhaps he wasn’t a demon. He was only a weak human being like the rest of us.

  Amemiya stood up and shook her head wildly, the tears soaking her face.

  “Stop it! You can’t be sorry! It’s too late for that! I can’t get back the time you destroyed! I won’t let you beg forgiveness and be the only one who gets to live with a clear conscience! I’ll hate you for the rest of my life!”

  Her bloodshot eyes glinted, and her voice nearly cracked as she screamed.

  “I’ll hate you! I will never, never forgive you! I hate you more than anyone! You make me sick!”

  His head drooping, Kurosaki looked very small and pitiful, full of suffering, and he picked up the gun that had fallen to the floor. He seemed capable of killing himself at any moment. That was how grave his crimes had been.

  But…

  With a taut ache I remembered what Ryuto had said a moment ago.

  Amemiya had known that Kurosaki was her real father, but Kurosaki hadn’t known that until this very moment.

  So why had he left the house and told her he would never
come back? Had he released her?

  Hadn’t that house originally been Kurosaki’s home? His employee Saeko had said that Kurosaki was staying at a condo more often recently. The many times that Ryuto went over, he’d said there was never anyone home.

  Only Amemiya had been there. Kurosaki had left her much earlier, then.

  But if Kurosaki had left her, there was no reason for her to get married in order to be free of him.

  So then why had she summoned him to a church and hurled those attacks at him? For revenge? Because she simply wanted to hurt him?

  No, it had to be more than that.

  I was nothing more than someone who read stories, but as Tohko said, because I do read so much, I noticed something. Kayano and Amemiya had both given me plenty of hints with the way they spoke and looked!

  This story wasn’t over yet.

  There was still something that hadn’t come to light.

  Had Amemiya felt only hatred for Kurosaki when she was in the dark basement room? Had she felt nothing else at all?

  And why had Amemiya been at the hospital?

  Amemiya’s true goal was—

  Ah, but that would be—

  My earlobes burned just as hot as the back of my brain as I turned to Amemiya with a question.

  “Amemiya, why did you stab Ryuto? I heard that you started dating lots of guys at the beginning of this year. Did something happen to you two around then?”

  Amemiya jumped and looked at me. Her voice was husky and her throat trembled, but I went on, though I wished I could cry.

  “Why were you so afraid of revealing that you’re Kurosaki’s daughter? You didn’t tell him about the message from your mother. Did you keep the book she wrote her feelings in hidden all that time? Out of guilt toward your father? But then why do you need to feel guilty for what happened to your father?”

  Amemiya shook her head. She shook it again and again, as if refuting a voice inside her head. Fat teardrops fell from her bloodshot eyes.

  Amemiya looked like she was suffering very much, and her color was getting worse and worse while sweat rolled down her forehead. She didn’t look good.

  Kurosaki was almost as pale, and he clutched at his stomach with one clawlike hand, gritting his teeth.

  I hoped I was wrong. Otherwise, I would feel awful for Amemiya.

  I willed this thought so hard that my temples throbbed; it felt as if my head were going to split. Beside me, Tohko opened the sketchbook she carried and showed it to Amemiya. It was the picture of the boy with blue eyes.

  “You drew this picture, didn’t you, Hotaru? Is this boy Aoi?”

  Amemiya shook her head, weeping.

  “… isn’t.”

  Her breathing became even more ragged. Tohko’s eyes grew even more damp as she murmured, “I’m sure your mother told you stories about the boy who was her best friend growing up. She would show you pictures, too.”

  “No… it’s not him.”

  Amemiya’s translucent white skin grew even glassier, and her breathing became uneven.

  “This picture is drawn very attentively with very gentle lines. You didn’t hate this Aoi at least.”

  Tohko’s voice was just as thick with tears as her eyes, which shone with a deep melancholy.

  But Tohko…

  “Tell us how you really felt, Hotaru. You two can start over again from here.”

  But Tohko…, I thought, my heart breaking inside. That’s not the right question to ask at all.

  Amemiya’s voice shook so badly it was hard to catch what she said.

  “No, no. There’s no more time. There’s no more time!”

  She staggered onto her slender legs, and her thin body wheeled forward like a flower whose stem had broken.

  “Hotaru!”

  Ryuto and Tohko both cried out. Kurosaki stood and ran over to her.

  His eyes bulged, bloodshot, and his mouth opened; he looked as if his own heart were tearing in half.

  Amemiya lolled forward, kneeling on the floor, and Kurosaki propped her up in his arms. Amemiya instantly flung his hands away and screamed.

  “Don’t touch me!”

  Kurosaki’s face stiffened.

  Beads of sweat rolled down Amemiya’s face, and her shoulders shook as she struggled for breath. It was clear now to anyone who saw her that something unusual was going on in Amemiya’s body.

  Bitter regrets swelled in my chest. Why hadn’t I noticed it earlier? When Kayano had embraced me in the chemistry lab, I’d caught an unsettlingly clean fragrance. It was the smell of medicine—the smell of a hospital.

  Why, why hadn’t I noticed?

  Kurosaki wasn’t the one who was ill.

  Kayano had whispered, We are finally leaving the world of the living behind. I had glimpsed Amemiya out the hospital window. The clues had always been dangling right in front of me.

  For Amemiya, there was no more time.

  Maki may have been the only one who had known about it. She watched Amemiya and Kurosaki grimly. It was a dispassionate look, almost as if it was her duty to watch until the very last moment and never turn away.

  It made me shudder to see Maki like that.

  What kind of resolution were you hoping for?

  Through heaving breaths, Amemiya whispered ruefully, “I was… getting shots, but… Mr. Takamizawa would take me to the hospital… every single day… to get my shots, but… soon the medicine will stop working. I’m going to die soon, just like my mother.”

  She rolled her eyes up and stared at Kurosaki. He was pale.

  “You knew… didn’t you? That’s why you tried to strangle me that night six months ago. I didn’t know yet that I was going to die. But you—you were so angry with me, so despondent that I could tell, and I knew you were really trying to kill me.”

  Amemiya’s face twisted.

  “While you squeezed my throat, I thought, I wouldn’t mind dying this way. I thought because I didn’t act like my mother very well, you could tell that we were different people and that you hated me for that and didn’t need me. If so, then I wouldn’t have minded dying right then. But—”

  Her frown deepened and a powerful grief appeared in her eyes, but it quickly transformed into a fiery hatred.

  “While you were strangling me, I heard you say, ‘Good-bye, Kayano, my betrayer.’ ”

  Kurosaki looked as if he had been stabbed through the heart.

  “You just couldn’t forgive Kayano for dying—for getting herself sick and dying before you did. You were distraught with Kayano for leaving you behind again, and you were only brooding over whether or not to kill her yourself.

  “You never saw anything but my mother! Hotaru didn’t exist!

  “So I cried because I didn’t want to die as Kayano. But then your hands loosened. I told you, ‘I’m not my mother,’ and you looked taken aback and let go of my neck. Then you left the house, and you never came back again! You didn’t see any value in killing me since I wasn’t her! You cast me aside and ran away!”

  The storm—it had raged on.

  A fierce gale that snapped trees and sheared stone.

  “When you left, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t eat. You did this to me!

  “One month ago, I overheard Takamizawa talking to my doctor at the hospital. When I realized that I was going to die, I finally understood why you had tried to kill me. I went to your office to know for sure, but you refused to see me. I laughed as I rode the swing in the middle of the night. Laughed at what a coward you were.

  “I look too much like my mother, and you were afraid to watch me die so you fled. But as soon as I started dating someone, you tried to pull them away from me. But still you didn’t come back to the house. If I approached, you fled. I laughed as the rain pelted me at what a coward you were, what a weakling you were, what a pathetic man! I decided right then to get revenge on you. Before I died, I would take everything from you; I would drive a nail into your heart that would ache for the rest of your life!”
>
  The words she threw at him through her tears sounded like a confession of love.

  As she screamed out her revenge, Amemiya’s eyes told of exactly the opposite emotion as they looked up at Kurosaki.

  Why hadn’t she told him about Kayano’s message?

  Why had she denied so adamantly that she was his daughter?

  Ryuto had explained it: The strongest human emotion is hatred, that hatred would last much longer than love, that hatred could continue because of love, and that love could continue because of hatred.

  On a stormy night, Amemiya had glared into the darkness as she rode alone on the swings.

  Ryuto had fallen in love with her then.

  Leaning on a pew, Ryuto watched Amemiya in agony as she told of her hatred for another man, throwing her life away to tell it.

  And Tohko—

  You two can start over again from here.

  Tohko must have realized now that those words were nothing but an impossible wish.

  Tohko’s imagination had exposed the storm hidden inside Amemiya.

  She had brought the truth of Amemiya and Kurosaki and Kayano to light and had proved that there was no reason for any of them to deprive themselves, that if they walked the right path from then on, it was entirely possible for them to fill their empty bellies.

  In order to correct past mistakes, you had to turn back time—that was a simplistic, easy answer.

  But time can’t go backward!

  It wasn’t easy at all!

  In my third year of middle school, no matter how I wished for it, it never happened.

  Human beings aren’t capable of going back to the way things used to be: Time won’t simply run back like a tape to the point where things went wrong.

  And even Tohko, who ate stories and talked of her limitless imagination, was not all-powerful.

  She was nothing more than a high school student like the rest of us, an ordinary book girl, a reader of stories.

  Truly impossible things—truly insatiable hungers—do exist in our world.

  Tohko’s black eyes glittered sadly as she stood and watched ineffectually.

  Continuing to spew the love she called hatred, Amemiya reached out to Kurosaki with her thin arms like dried twigs. Her rumpled face contained a hopeless grief.