Space Battleship Scharnhorst and the Library of Doom (An Old Guy/Cybertank Adventure)

by Timothy J. Gawne

  “Why don’t you take it out for a test drive? Here, there are the access codes.”

  “What? I can just drive it off? Don’t I need to be rebooted into its neural structure?”

  “Sure, to really take advantage of the design, to actually be an Enforcer-Class, but this prototype does not have a native intelligence resident yet. You can run it like you would any other remote system. See what it can do.”

  Grasshopper accessed the Enforcer’s systems, interfaced to its sensors, and powered up the drive. The Enforcer accelerated smoothly and shot out from the hangar across the hard-packed dirt surrounding the construction yard. Zero to 200 kilometers per hour in four seconds. Man this thing was fast! He raced along, and made a series of hairpin turns. The big tank cornered like it was mounted on rails, the treads hugging the ground seemingly as if glued to it. The acceleration and tracking was addictive, effortless and glass-smooth.

  “Power up the weapons, give the tracking systems a try!”

  Grasshopper activated the main gun, it came on line from a cold start in an even two milliseconds. Doubletap fired off a trio of target drones. The Enforcer’s main turret itself weighed more than Grasshopper’s entire hull, but it pivoted with blinding speed and he took out the drones with three rapid, perfectly aimed shots. The power and agility of this new model was like nothing he had ever experienced before.

  He tried out the sensors. There was a wasp flying about two kilometers distant. He snapped in the zoom, and watched the wings beating and counted all the facets on its eyes, all in razor-sharp clarity. His own chassis had nothing like this capability.

  “I see that you are trying out the sensors,” said Doubletap. “Pretty nice, aren’t they? Of course, to get the full effect you would need to be fully integrated into the chassis, but this should give you some idea of what this Class can do.”

  “I am impressed, but I would have to think about it. I mean, it’s a big decision, and I had already decided to go with a Raptor.”

  “Think about it all that you like, but I must warn you that there are other potential candidates waiting for this opportunity, and after we boot up this first model it could be a long time before we go into mass production. No pressure, just saying. Also, I should point out that the first cybertank to become an Enforcer-Class would be getting in on the ground floor of our new police force. Probably start out as a Captain, at least. Later entries would have to work their way up the ranks.”

  “Police force? I didn’t know that we were getting a police force. We never needed a police force before, did we?”

  “Ah, well, that’s probably not true. You have been hearing the reports about the Omega Library? About how the Amok captured it intact because somehow they got a hold of the over-ride codes?”

  “Yes, certainly, until the Amok attacked this system it was about all that anyone talked about. Do you really think that one of our own kind betrayed us?”

  “Betrayed us? No, I don’t think that at all. I suspect that what really happened is that one of us got sloppy, and went off on an exploring mission with a lot of data that they really should not have been carrying around, and they got themselves captured. The deal is that we can’t just play at being an army any more, we are going to have to have some more order to our civilization. That means limiting critical data to those that need to know it, and preventing cybertanks from poking around where they might get themselves, and the rest of us, into trouble. And that means that we are going to need rules, and a police force to make sure that the rules are followed. I would like to have your help with this. I have always admired your loyalty and courage, and felt that you have never gotten the credit that you deserve. I have watched all those missions that you have run, uncomplainingly checking out anomalous sensor reports, scouting ahead under heavy fire, you name it. If there is anything that a police officer needs, it’s courage and loyalty, a willingness to do their duty. You would be perfect. Are you with me in this?”

  “Um, I don’t know. You said I could be a Captain? I could be a leader?”

  “Absolutely! You know the first Enforcer is going to be helping to write the rule book, and we can’t just start out with a police force that’s all privates, now can we? There has to be a first Captain, and I would like it to be you. And maybe we could get you a better nickname, while we are at it. Maybe something like Viper, or Eagle?”

  “But Grasshopper is what my colleagues have named me! You can’t just order up a new name, you know that.”

  “Ah, that’s the old school. Yes, the false modesty of having a jokey or slightly insulting nickname. I don’t deny that your name, Grasshopper, is OK, but don’t you think that maybe it’s a little belittling? After all of your hard and dutiful service, don’t you deserve something a little more, well, serious? Of course a name has to come from your peers, but if you stand up for yourself and make your wishes known, clearly and simply, why shouldn’t they call you whatever you want? You know what they say, fortune favors the bold. Come on, go for it.”

  Grasshopper remotely controlled the big Enforcer-Class chassis around the proving grounds for a bit longer, then he parked it back in the hangar and powered it down. He was back in his old Stilletto-Class hull, and he drove out of the hangar. After the Enforcer, he felt like a crippled dwarf, slow and weak and nearsighted, bouncing awkwardly over ruts in the ground that the Enforcer would have slid over without a ripple. He looked back at the big hull back in the hangar, sleek and glossy and strong.

  “Count me in,” said Grasshopper. “When can I meet with Dr. Amazing?”

  “A wise decision,” said Doubletap. “You won’t regret it.”

  ---------------

  Doubletap waited for Grasshopper to drive away, then he closed up the hangar and started a conference with his fellow members of the executive committee. The committee members were spread out all over the main city, and they had other obligations, so it was a teleconference done in a simulated virtual space. They had chosen to decorate it in the style of an executive suite from a 24 century megacorporation, from an era near the height of neo-liberal power and achievement.

  There were six of them. Doubletap, Thunder, Bluesky, Caesar, Stormcloud, and Lion. They appeared in the virtual space as tall athletic men, all dressed in grey or blue suits with narrow lapels and rich silk ties colored blue, or black, or yellow. The furniture was made of (simulated) living human dancer/acrobats, who had trained from birth for the honor.

  The dancer/acrobats were all naked, male and female in equal numbers, beautifully proportioned and athletic. With grace and style they twined with their fellows to create sofas and tables, handling the strain of supporting the committee members with the seeming effortlessness of champion athletes. They were not slaves, but totally free, because neoliberalism is ultimately all about freedom. Of course, with the dynamic labor market of the 24 century, if any of them had decided to quit, they would likely have starved or at least been condemned to a life of utter poverty. Additionally, there were at least ten equally talented applicants for every opening, so they could be fired at whim and instantly replaced. But that was the free market at work. You could not argue with freedom.

  Any of the dancer/acrobats would have been stars in earlier times, but here they were serving merely as furniture. It never failed to inspire Doubletap, how neoliberal society could create such high levels of performance in even the humblest of occupations. What would this level of discipline and motivation create if extended to the higher levels of society, to the scientists and engineers and industrialists? There was no telling how high neo-liberal principles could take them, if they only were given the chance.

  In the simulation the six executives all had expensive cigars. Nobody smoked cigars in the 24 century – they were considered foul-tasting and vile – but the idea of a cigar had been quite in vogue amongst the executive class of that era. They lit the ends, and waved them around, and gestured with them, and flicked the ashes into the outstretched palms of the human furniture, everyt
hing but smoke them.

  The cigar ashes burned the palms of the dancer/acrobats, but they had been so well trained that they did not twitch so much as a muscle. You could tell a really good dancer/ acrobat, because they could suppress even the pupillary reaction to pain. The faint odor of burning flesh mingled with the rich aroma of the cigar smoke. It was a seductive and heady scent.

  Back in the real 24 century, some of these cigars had cost more than the entire lifetime wages of one of the human furniture dancer/acrobats. That was some serious status there. Doubletap wondered to himself, what kind of thing like this can we set up for ourselves? Perhaps they could employ cybertanks as the components of meeting rooms, or buildings. There must be something.

  It did have to be admitted that during the neo-liberal historical epoch the human race as a whole had been impoverished and stagnant. But that was only because they had not embraced neo-liberal principles thoroughly enough. Because they had been betrayed by the pedagogues, and the bibliognosts and ur-skeptics. Because criticism had broken their morale, and given comfort to their enemies. Next time it would be different. Next time they would be pure, and achieve the ideals that they had so sadly fallen short of last time.

  Thunder spoke up first. “So, Doubletap, have you convinced that little twit Grasshopper to become the first Enforcer-Class?”

  “Indeed I have,” said Doubletap. “I believe that we have a new recruit, and that he will be perfect. Assuming that Dr. Amazing does not fry his mind like he did his last subject, we will have our first cybertank police captain. Now we only have to figure out how to fill out the ranks.”

  “I do not believe that that will be a problem,’ said Thunder. “If this Grasshopper is as well suited to the task as you say, we should just copy his psyche and be done with it.”

  “Well, that’s not quite how we have usually done things. Every cybertank is supposed to be unique. There are those who would say that making identical copies of a cybertank is contra to our principles, and perhaps more to the point, that doing so could leave us wide-open to a thought-virus attack. If we are all the same, what infects one will infect all.”

  Thunder snickered. “Oh please. We are gearing up to produce 100 Enforcers a day. Do you really think that we are going to have the time to craft an individual mind for each chassis? I don’t think so. Not if we mean to win. Show some balls.”

  Doubletap was not pleased with where this conversation was going. “I suppose. As a temporary exigency. But moving on, what are the reports from the economics sub-committees?”

  Bluesky spoke up next. “We have been making considerable progress in re-introducing the idea of intellectual property into our society. I have several subcommittees working on this. One cybertank in particular has shown particular aptitude. For example, he proposes that we patent the wheel (and other ancient inventions, of course). The idea is that someone once came up with the idea of the wheel, and that was a valuable concept. To simply let anybody make a wheel whenever they feel like it is to devalue that initial contribution; it is akin to stealing. That idea was valuable, as a kiloton of deuterium or a terawatt-hour of electricity is valuable, and it must be respected. The patent for the wheel should be auctioned off in the free market, and the patent holders can then negotiate fees freely and openly with all who would use a wheel. This will cause wheels to be used with ever-greater efficiency, and will spur the development of increasingly sophisticated and more effective wheels.”

  Lion spoke up next. “Indeed. People who want to use wheels without cost are just ingrates, they want to take without giving back, they are only parasites. There is no such thing as a free lunch. If you want something you need to pay for it, it’s a natural law, simple as that.”

  “Of a certainty,” said Stormcloud. “But there is one on the economics subcommittee – I think he is called ‘Spoon’ – who disagrees. He proposes that patents should be limited to a thousand years and then put in the ‘public domain’ for the ‘common good’.”

  They all snickered at this. Snickering was a neo-liberal specialty; it crushed the opposition without the heavy lifting of making a logical case. Sneering, ridiculing, if enough people did it, the rest would follow along through simple herd instinct. ‘Oh that’s absurd,’ ‘Nobody believes that’, ‘How can anyone believe such nonsense?’ Say it enough times and it becomes true.

  “Disappointed,” said Doubletap. “I had such high hopes for Spoon. I suppose that we should shunt him to some minor committees, the usual drill, can we have a vote?”

  All voted affirmative. When a neo-liberal failed to get with the program, they were generally assigned to committees that sounded impressive but that in fact had no power and were completely ignored by the people with real power. By the time Spoon figured out what was going on it would be too late for him and he would be excluded from the inner circles. Pity, Spoon had shown such promise, but then his example would encourage the others.

  “And now,” said Thunder, “we need to consider those cybertanks that we need to neutralize when we move to the next phase of our program. I have drawn up a provisional list. Comments, anyone?”

  Doubletap checked over the list that Thunder had provided. Most of the names were what he would have expected. Old Guy, Bremstrahlung, Mother, and their friends and allies, the unreconstructed old guard that had always been a thorn in their side. Others were a little more surprising. There were a lot of cybertanks that had been neutral to their cause, but whose dedication to scholarship might be an issue. Mostly librarians and archivists. Doubletap could see the sense of it, but was leary of antagonizing cybertanks that had never opposed him.

  Other names on the list were more troublesome still. One in particular.

  “Smartass?” said Doubletap. “Are you sure about that? Sure, he’s the kid of Old Guy and Double-Wide, but he’s never bothered us. And he’s dangerous. Really, really, dangerous. We do not want to piss this cybertank off. We do not want him on our enemies list. I fought alongside him in the War of the Angles, trust me on this one.”

  “The so-called ‘War of the Angles’ was not much of a war. It was hardly a footnote to history. If I read the reports correctly, you were on the other side of the planet in a deep bunker and never fired a shot.”

  “Yes, because Smartass was there. He wiped out the enemy on his own, before the rest of us could even get started. The scariest part was, I got the impression that he was holding back. You have no idea.”

  “Doubletap,” said Thunder. “I think you overestimate Smartass. He’s just one cybertank. He can be killed by a single plasma cannon shot to his main hull, the same as any of us. His fusion reactors turn hydrogen into helium just like yours and mine do. He will bow to superior force and the social pressure of his peers, as will all. It’s not something to worry about.”

  “You don’t know him,” said Doubletap. “He’s on another level. We need him on our side, or if that is not possible, we need to think of some urgent mission that will take him light years away from us. We do not want to pick a fight with Smartass, at least not until we have consolidated our power.”

  “I will take your views into consideration,” said Thunder, “although I still think that you are over-reacting. But perhaps some vital trip to the middle of nowhere could be arranged. Why don’t you see what you can come up with.”

  “I have another small issue here,” said Doubletap “What, precisely, do you mean by neutralize? I had though it meant to remove from power, to ridicule or render ineffective. I see from the addendum to this list that there are plans to imprison and kill them. Is that necessary?”

  The simulated male executive that was animated by Thunder cocked his head and stared at Doubletap. “Where are your guts? When we started this, did you think to play by Marquis of Queensbury Rules? When I say neutralize, I mean neutralize. Preferably by non-lethal means, but if they force us to use deadly force, we need to use deadly force. Do you have a problem with that?”

  The simulations belonging to the ot
her cybertanks turned and stared at Doubletap. “No, no problem. It just seems – inelegant. Well. Perhaps we should move on to further business. Lion, how is progress on the database shift coming along?”

  “The database shift is progressing well,” said Lion. “Our starting the war with the Amok was just what we needed to really catalyze the process. Once we got the precedent of keeping some data secret through the key committees, we have been able to build on that, shunting more and more of the important information away from the general public. Many of the most powerful committees are now completely off the public dataspace, and thus, insulated from public folly and whim.”

  “You make it sound like we started the war,” said Doubletap. “You mean, of course, that there were some advantages to having the Amok attack us when they did.”

  “No,” said Thunder. “Lion is exactly correct. We did start the war with the Amok. I myself gave them the codes for the Omega Library, and Lion and Bluesky made sure that the Library had the over-ride codes in the first place.”

  The simulated human executive that represented Thunder lowered his cigar, and stared at Doubletap. “Didn’t you get the memo? Perhaps I forgot to send it. Apologies for the oversight. You have a problem with this?”

  “And the incident with my humanoid android on the space battleship ‘Fanboy’?....”

  “Don’t be deliberately dense. That was me as well. I intercepted your android and replaced its programming with my own. I knew that the Amok were going to attack in an unconventional manner, and that Fanboy might have the most unfortunate luck to be in the right place at the right time, so I took steps to head that off. Didn’t work, but that’s OK, the Amok second wave are giving us plenty of traction.”

  “You do realize that the Amok seem to be winning? That we might lose?”

  “Oh please. Once we are building 100 Enforcers a day, and we have a proper centralized military under leadership with the appropriate credentials, the Amok won’t stand a chance. And then we will see about the Yllg, and the fructoids, and the planogellars, and all the other alien civilizations that have stood in our way.”