Mother For His Children, A

by Drexler, Jan

  Ruthy didn’t look up as he went out the door to the connecting breezeway. He had left. Her wedding night, and she was knitting socks for a man who didn’t love her. She wrapped up her needles in the stocking and tucked them into her knitting basket. Blowing out the light, she walked into the kitchen and looked out the window toward the barn. A sliver of light showed through the door of the cowshed, where Levi had made a bed for himself in an empty stall.

  She watched until Levi blew the lantern out, and then went to her own cold bedroom. Lighting the lamp, she took off her kapp. As she turned toward the dresser to put the hairpins away, she saw it. Sitting on the washstand were the blue flowered bowl and pitcher she had seen in Middlebury.

  Levi. He was the only one who could have put them here. When she had seen them in the store, their delicate beauty had captured her heart, and somehow Levi knew.

  She reached out to stroke the blue flowers. Elam would never have done something so thoughtful.

  * * *

  Levi turned in his straw bed, knowing from the restless movements in the cow pens that morning wasn’t far away. His body ached from the uncomfortable bed and the knowledge that he had the right to share his wife’s bed last night.

  What had induced him to accept that woman’s conditions for a marriage like this? He thought being near her every day, to talk with her, share his life with her and raise his children with her would be enough, but after this one night he knew it wasn’t.

  The sight of her sitting in the lamplight of the front room in the Dawdi Haus flooded over him once more. He wanted to hold her, to talk with her, but he would never be able to stand the possibility of her rejection. Leaving the Dawdi Haus tonight had been hard enough, and he couldn’t risk watching her turn away from him forever.

  Levi turned again, and then gave up trying to go back to sleep and stood, brushing the straw from his clothes. He walked to the door of the cowshed and prodded it open an inch or two, just enough to see the kitchen window. Ja, the lamp was lit. She was there making his coffee. The thought made the aching in his back ease a bit. She liked him, at least, and perhaps love would come. He could be patient.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Spring came overnight, it seemed. Ruthy first noticed the red clusters of buds on the maple trees one breezy Monday morning as she and Waneta hung clothes on the line. Two weeks ago, when the house had been filled with the warmth of friends and family celebrating their wedding, the world outside had still been trapped in the icy stillness of winter. But now, even with the gray skies, there was the smell of thawing earth on the wind and Ruthy couldn’t quench the wild, light feeling bubbling up inside her.

  When a gust whipped one corner of a sheet out of her hand, she watched helplessly as it flapped above her head.

  “Grab it!” Waneta said, her own hands full of a flapping dress. “If it gets away we’ll have to wash it all over again!”

  The sheet drifted toward her in the fitful breeze, almost within reach of her outstretched hand, but the next gust blew it straight into the air again, pulling it loose from the clothespins anchoring the other end to the clothesline.

  “Ach, there it goes!” Ruthy ran after it, knowing it was too heavy to go far, but she groaned as it caught on the fence of the cow pen, the bulk of the sheet in the hoof-pocked mud. She reached for the corner still clinging to the wooden fence rail, but before she could grasp it, it slid into the mud with the rest of the sheet. She stepped up on the bottom rail and leaned down into the pen, but it was too far out of reach.

  “Having some trouble?” Levi had stepped out of the cowshed door and was watching her. She didn’t need to see his face to know he’d be laughing at her predicament.

  “The sheet blew away. Can you help me get it out of the mud?”

  He waded through the slime in his rubber boots and gathered up the muddy cloth. It was wetter than when it had come out of the wringer and streaked with black mud where it had lain on the ground. Levi held it up.

  “You’re sure you want this?” His brown eyes sparkled in fun.

  “Ja, I want it. I have to rewash it and get it hung up again.”

  “You could come in here and get it.”

  What possessed that man? Ruthy glanced down at her leather shoes, fine for wet grass or a gravel drive, but they would be ruined if she went in the pen.

  “You know very well I can’t come in there, Levi Zook. You bring that sheet over here this minute.” Frustration made her voice squeak at the end, and she heard a giggle from the clothesline behind her. Waneta was enjoying this standoff.

  “What will you give me if I do?” Levi stepped closer to the fence, holding the muddy sheet away from her.

  “I’ll have you know, Levi Zook, if you don’t give that to me, I’ll feed your dinner to the pigs.”

  Levi came a step closer and stopped, inches away from where she still stood on the fence. His eyes twinkled, but he dropped his voice so it wouldn’t carry to Waneta. “You wouldn’t feed my dinner to the pigs. You would never waste good food that way.”

  “You don’t think so?” Ruthy’s frustration melted away as he drew even closer, her breath catching as his eyes drifted across her face and rested on her lips. “I wouldn’t hesitate if...if I...” This man was her husband, and she had never kissed him. She tore her gaze away from his face and focused on the sodden mass hanging forgotten from his grip. “I wouldn’t hesitate if you refused to give me that sheet.”

  Gaining her composure again she looked back at him. The teasing look was gone, his eyes soft. He reached up with one gloved hand and barely stroked her cheek with the side of his finger.

  “I’ll take the sheet up to the house for you. It’s awfully dirty and heavy.”

  “Ja, denki. It’s time for your morning coffee, anyway.” She stepped back to the ground and turned away, her cheek burning where he had touched her. Waneta had finished hanging the wash and was nearly back to the house with the empty basket. Ruthy turned back to Levi. “Waneta made some coffee cake, too. It’s fresh out of the oven.”

  Levi smiled at her. “Just the thing. Denki, Ruth.”

  Ruthy hurried into the house, knowing he watched her as she went. If she didn’t avoid encounters like that, how could she keep from showing him how much she wanted his love? Since the wedding, she had been careful to only see him when some of the children were nearby—at mealtimes and in the evening. She always busied herself in the kitchen after the children went to bed, and went to her Dawdi Haus while Levi was in the barn for the last check of the night. Their routine had been working fine. Their lives were comfortable. He kept to his chores and she did hers...until this morning.

  * * *

  Levi stared after his wife as she disappeared around the loaded clothesline.

  His wife.

  He turned to pick his way through the muddy pen to the door of the cowshed. Ja, his wife in name only. He had never so much as kissed her, but he had nearly done it this morning. As she had hung on the fence, the wind blowing tendrils of hair into her face, her cheeks pink with the cold, the morning light giving her a golden glow, he wanted to. He would have, if she had lingered one more minute before turning away.

  But it was only his imagination that made him think she would welcome his attention like that. She had kept a careful distance from him ever since the wedding, clearly showing her desire to keep their marriage friendly, but separate. She was more like a sister than a wife.

  Levi let himself into the back porch, setting the dirty sheet on the wash bench. Through the window in the kitchen door he could see Ruth and Waneta, chatting as they prepared his morning coffee. Ruth gave Waneta a one-armed hug as they laughed over some comment and she caught sight of him. The glance was too long. He couldn’t tear his eyes away until hers dropped, and he pulled off his muddy boots.

  Ne, not a sister. She would n
ever be a sister to him, but yet, she wasn’t his wife, either.

  Levi hung up his coat and hat, brushing his fingers through his hair and beard. He poured water from the waiting pitcher into the enameled tin washbasin, grabbed the soap and plunged his hands into the basin. The water was warm. Ruth had gotten warm water ready for him again this morning. Just one of the many thoughtful things she was always doing for him.

  The warm cinnamon smell of coffee cake enveloped him as he opened the door.

  “Here’s your coffee, Dat.” Waneta placed a cup on the table as he sat in his chair.

  “Denki, Waneta. The coffee cake smells wonderful-gut.”

  “Where are Sam and Elias? Weren’t they coming in?” Ruth put the pan of brown sugar crusted cake in front of him, setting his mouth to watering.

  “I told them it was time. Maybe they didn’t hear me.”

  “I’ll go call them again,” Waneta said. She was out the door before Levi could stop her.

  Ruth brought her own cup of coffee to the table, placing it in her usual spot that left room for Waneta on the bench next to Levi.

  “Ruth, why do you sit so far away?” Levi pointed to the bench at his elbow. “You can sit closer to me. I won’t bite.”

  Ruth gave him a glance that said she thought he just might bite, but moved her cup and sat near him.

  Levi helped himself to a piece of cake. “The children are starting to wonder why we don’t sit near each other more, being newly married and all.”

  “I suppose we should act like we enjoy each other’s company, ja?” Ruth sipped her coffee.

  “Well, we do, don’t we?”

  She looked at him. “We do what?”

  “Enjoy each other’s company. I like being with you, talking with you. I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t.”

  “I suppose.” Ruth took another sip of coffee. “You should call me Ruthy, too, like the children do. Everyone calls me Ruthy except you.”

  “Ruthy.” Levi tried the name. He had never felt free to use it before. When the children had used the name, it seemed like they were close friends, but for him...it was intimate, closing the distance between them. “And you must call me Levi.”

  She straightened in her seat. “I do call you Levi.”

  He pointed his fork at her. “You have never once called me Levi since you met me. You always call me ‘Levi Zook.’ What wife calls her husband by his full name?”

  A pink blush started in the center of her cheeks as a ray of sunshine broke through the overcast late winter sky and shone through the window, lighting her face with gold.

  She was so different from Salome. He hadn’t had much experience with wives, and he had thought Salome was nearly perfect. Irreplaceable. But here was Ruth...Ruthy. His words to Elias from a while back came to him. She wasn’t Salome, but she was the right woman for him now. What was that Bible verse? There is a time for every season? A time for every purpose under heaven?

  He grasped her hand where it lay on the table between them. Nearly as large as his own, her hand was all feminine grace and red, chapped knuckles. The hand of a woman who wasn’t afraid to work, who cared for her family with little thought to herself.

  “Levi...” His name escaped from her mouth in a whisper.

  Waneta’s and Elias’s voices drifted in to them as boots thudded on the back steps. Ruthy tried to withdraw her hand from his and started to slide down the bench to make room for Waneta, but Levi didn’t let go.

  “Ne, sit by me.” He smiled, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.

  She returned his smile, but moved her hand away as the three children entered the kitchen, bringing fresh air and loud voices to interrupt their stolen time together.

  Levi sipped his coffee, watching Ruthy’s blushing face as she cut pieces of coffee cake for Waneta and the boys. It was a step closer, and he was patient. That wall she placed between them was softening, melting. Love would grow, he was sure of it.

  * * *

  Waneta came back into the kitchen after hanging the rewashed sheet on the clothesline just as Ruthy put the chicken casserole into the oven.

  “It’s so windy today! The clothes we hung out earlier are nearly dry already.”

  “That’s wonderful-gut. It helps wash day go so much faster when we have a warm breeze like this.”

  Waneta picked up a knife and started scraping the carrots Ruthy had laid out. “Spring seems like it’s nearly here on a day like today.”

  “Ja, for sure.”

  “You and Dat seem to be getting along.”

  Ruthy pried the lid off a jar of applesauce and glanced at Waneta. “Of course we’re getting along. Why wouldn’t we?”

  “It’s just that...” Waneta’s face reddened. “You still live in the Dawdi Haus, ja?”

  Ruthy’s face grew warm. She should have known Waneta would notice.

  “Elias thought it was because you didn’t like each other much. After all, there was no talk of marriage until after Aunt Eliza was here. We know she went to Bishop, and you only married because he told you to, and because otherwise the girls would have to go live in Middlebury.”

  “It’s hard to explain, Waneta. Your Dat and I like each other, and we married because...” Ruthy’s mind turned over the feel of Levi’s warm hand holding hers. Why had they married? “Because I love you children, and I couldn’t continue living here without being married...” Why did it all sound so contrived?

  “I think you got married because you love each other.” Waneta finished peeling the carrots and started cutting them into chunks. “You may not admit it, but I’ve seen the way you look at Dat when you don’t think anyone will notice.”

  Now the tips of Ruthy’s ears were burning. “It takes more than one person’s love to make a marriage, Waneta.” She had to change the subject. “Did you have fun with Reuben yesterday afternoon?”

  Waneta’s face lit up. “Ach, ja. We went to visit his sister Sally, and the Bram Lapps were there, too. We had a fun time playing a game of Parcheesi and then Sally made popcorn. Reuben has a wonderful-gut family.”

  “I didn’t hear Reuben’s buggy until nearly one o’clock this morning. Surely you weren’t playing Parcheesi and eating popcorn all that time.” Ruthy kept her voice light, teasing Waneta. Ja, for sure now she was blushing as red as Ruthy felt.

  “Well, we went to the Singing, and then he took me for a ride.”

  Ruthy put the bowl of applesauce on the table. “It must have been awfully cold in that open courting buggy of his.”

  Waneta couldn’t hide her smile, and busied herself with the carrots. “I wasn’t cold at all.”

  “Do we need to start thinking about another wedding?”

  Waneta blushed even redder as she put the carrots in a pot with water. “Reuben says he won’t talk about marriage until I’ve joined church.”

  Ruthy smiled and gave Waneta a hug. “That is one smart young man.”

  A knock on the front door made Ruthy look at Waneta. “I’ve never heard anyone knock on the front door.”

  “Maybe it’s another tramp, looking for some food. They’ll be coming by more often as the weather warms up.”

  “Well then, Waneta, you go bring him around to the kitchen and I’ll get something together for him.”

  Ruthy slid the pan of biscuits into the oven next to the casserole and hurried to the cellar for some cheese. If the tramp had come any day but Monday, she could offer him some fresh baked bread this time of day, but he would need to make do with what they had. She sorted through the cheeses on the shelf. There had been two wheels when she came two months ago, but one had turned bad and she had given it to the pigs. The partial wheel that was left was moldy in places, but it would have to do. She cut the moldy rind off and was able to slice enough good cheese to mak
e a sandwich. Making cheese was another project for this spring, after the grass was growing and the cows were giving more milk.

  She wrapped the cheese in a clean cloth, found a couple of good apples and started up the cellar stairs. The biscuits and cheese would make good sandwiches, and the apples could go in his pockets for later.

  When Ruthy opened the door to the kitchen, Waneta was checking the oven.

  “Ruthy, we have a visitor, all the way from Lancaster County. He says he’s a friend of yours.”

  An Amish man was sitting in Levi’s chair at the table, a cup of coffee in front of him. Ruthy’s knees quivered as he turned with his usual lazy smile.

  Elam.

  Chapter Eighteen

  For sure, Elam had to stay for dinner. For sure, he had to sit next to Levi, exchanging news and stories while Ruthy sat at the end of the table next to Sam, trying her best to overhear what the men were talking about.

  “Ja, it’s been plenty cold this winter, but not too much snow,” Elam said, helping himself to another biscuit. He leaned forward in his seat to catch Ruthy’s eye and held up the biscuit. “Your biscuits are just as good as they’ve always been, Ruthy.”

  “Denki.” He could take that biscuit and get right back on the train home. What was he doing here, anyway? Ruthy was thankful Elam had introduced himself to Levi as a friend of hers, without mentioning that he had been the man she had nearly married. That they had spent the last eight years courting. That he had told her he loved her countless times before marrying her best friend.

  “So, what brought you to Indiana?” Levi settled back in his chair and Ruthy rose to get his coffee.

  “The farmer I work for wants to buy a bull he saw advertised in The Budget, and sent me out here to look it over. I knew Ruthy lived here, so I thought I’d drop in and say hello.”

  Levi glanced at her as she set his coffee in front of him, his eyes worried. Had he noticed how much she did not want Elam here?