Arizona Cowboy

by Jennifer Collins Johnson

  She jumped from the chair and stared out the window. With the truth revealed, the heaviness in her chest lightened. She turned and looked at Holden, then ached at the weight that now rested on him. Taking her keys off the counter, she said, “May I take you to his grave?”

  Holden furrowed his brows into a straight line. “He’s buried here?”

  She nodded. Holden followed her to the car. He didn’t speak as she drove, and she was glad for the reprieve. Glad not to have to explain more. She never went to the cemetery. Ever.

  Her heart raced as she maneuvered the winding road inside the cemetery. Once parked a few yards from her family’s purchased plots, she gripped the steering wheel and closed her eyes, praying God would give her strength.

  Holden had already stepped out of her car and made his way toward her grandparents’ markers. She wondered how he knew exactly where to walk, then remembered he’d gone with her and Aunt Irene to decorate the graves for Memorial Day then the Fourth of July all those years ago.

  He stopped, and she knew he stood above their son’s marker. Her legs wouldn’t move, and she feared her heart would pound out of her chest. She never came here. Didn’t want to see the place where her baby was buried.

  God, help me.

  Holden slumped as he covered his face with his hand. Then he took off his cowboy hat and laid it at the base of the marker. Empathy pushed her to him. She knew the heartache that stabbed deep into the core of his soul. Wrapping her arm around his shoulder, she whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

  He shrugged away and turned his face toward her. His eyes glazed with anger and tears. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I should have.”

  He punched his finger against his chest. “How could you keep something like this from me?”

  New tears streamed down her cheeks. “I don’t know. I was scared.”

  He frowned. “Scared of what? Me?”

  He stood and walked in a circle, raking his fingers through his hair, then clasping his hands behind his neck. “I didn’t know. I would have done something. I could have helped.”

  Ava pressed her palms against her belly. “The doctor said it wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing I could have done to change him.” She shook her head. “But I know I should have gone to the doctor earlier.”

  Holden’s face lit with challenge and fury. “Would that have made a difference? Would that have saved our son?”

  Ava accepted the anger as added links to the chain of guilt she carried. She deserved the blame. “He said it wouldn’t.” She spread open her arms. “But I don’t know.”

  Her gaze fell on the marker. She read the single letter. H. She hadn’t had his name etched out because she’d planned to never trouble Holden with the truth. Beside the letter was his date of birth and death. The same day. Falling to her knees, she leaned forward, pressing her fists against the ground and her face against her fists. For the thousandth time, she cried for forgiveness from God, from Holden, from her baby. She sobbed until her chest burned and her sides ached.

  When she sat up, Holden was already in the car. They didn’t speak as she drove back to her aunt’s house. When she parked the car, she turned to him. “Holden, I am so sorry.”

  He got out, then looked in the open door. “He was my son, too, Ava.”

  Chapter 17

  Holden and Jake sat at a shaded picnic table watching Vince and Zack play at the public pool. Holden had never been a recreational swimming kind of guy, but the kids had begged them after class, and here they were, sitting poolside sipping ice water. He glanced at Jake’s ring finger. “I still can’t believe you and Megan just up and got married.”

  “It shouldn’t have been too big a surprise. I told you we were going to.”

  “But you just started dating—” Holden counted from March to June in his head “—three months ago.”

  Jake pointed to the boys as they slid down the water slides. “I knew going into the relationship how strongly I felt for Megan, and we didn’t want to play around on account of Vince. He needs a father.”

  “Yeah, but you could’ve dated a little longer. I bet your mom had a fit.”

  “Nah. We told her we were heading to the courthouse. She’s been so wrapped in Jess’s wedding she didn’t seem to mind.”

  Holden leaned forward. “What did Jess say?”

  Jake grinned. “I reckon she wasn’t too happy that Megan and I beat her to the altar, so to speak.”

  Holden let out a howl. He figured Jake was putting her reaction lightly. Jess threw huge tantrums when things didn’t go her way, and even though she was five years younger, she’d probably had a conniption fit that Jake married first.

  Holden smacked the table. “Well, how is married life?”

  “Wonderful.”

  “All you thought it’d be, huh?”

  “Better.”

  Holden scrunched his nose. “Even the nagging and complaining?”

  Jake clicked his tongue. “Ain’t got there yet, though I suspect there’ll be ups and downs.”

  “I’d say you’re right.” Holden wiped his forehead with the edge of a towel, then looked for the boys. He spied Zack’s red hair. They stood in line at the slides again. Remembering that Zack’s mom had said to put lotion on him a couple times, he looked at his smartphone. Next break he’d need to lather the kid up again.

  “What happened with Ava?”

  Holden frowned at his friend. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you’ve been crazy about her for months, years really. The two of you were talking, doing things together. Now, nothing.”

  Holden shrugged. “We were never really dating.”

  “So, you didn’t care about her?”

  “I didn’t say that.” His chest tightened as anger and sadness and longing mixed together within him. He didn’t know a person could feel so many things at once. And his son. He’d never gotten to see or hold him. Hadn’t even known he existed.

  He’d be the same age as Zack. Almost exactly. He looked at the red-haired boy who challenged him every week. He’d teased that his son would be like Zack. Holden’s heart ached anew at the thought.

  Jake’s voice lowered. “I’m sorry, man, if she didn’t want to date.”

  “No. That’s not what happened.” He had no idea if she wanted to see him or not. Two weeks had passed since he’d found out about his son. He hadn’t talked to her and didn’t plan on it, either.

  “What happened?”

  He’d never told anyone about that night. They’d sinned, and he’d asked for forgiveness, but he’d also fallen completely in love with Ava. Wanted her to be his bride. And he would’ve never dreamed of saying anything against the woman he adored so deeply.

  He still didn’t want to hurt Ava, but the ache is his chest hurt sometimes to the point he thought he might die. He needed to talk to someone, and he was angry with God. Mad that He’d let Ava keep such a secret. Mad that He’d let Holden’s son die. Noting Jake’s sincere expression, Hol—den’s resolve broke and he told his friend everything. About the night. Her running and him trying to talk to her. About asking her to marry him. About the baby.

  Jake didn’t say a word, but Holden saw the sadness in his friend’s face. When he had spilled all his pain onto the wooden table, Jake grabbed his arm. “We’re gonna pray.”

  Holden pulled it back. “No, we’re not.” He waved his hand. “First, we’re at a pool. And second...” he hesitated “...I don’t wanna.”

  Jake smacked his hand on top of Holden’s. “Well, you’re going to, anyway. All you have to do is sit there. I’ll do the praying.”

  Jake bowed his head, and Holden stared at the boys as they played on the water slides. Jake prayed that God would heal Holden’s heart, and that he would forgive Ava and trust Go
d with His sovereign will.

  Holden swallowed back the knot in his throat. How could God’s will be for his son to form without part of his brain? How was that sovereign?

  Jake continued, “And God, I pray for Ava. How she must have hurt all these years, having not told Holden about their son.”

  Holden pursed his lips. How could Jake feel sorry for her?

  “How alone she must have felt, keeping this all to herself. The guilt must have been unbearable.”

  Holden cleared his throat. He’d felt such guilt over the night, but that was the only pain he’d dealt with. He hadn’t carried the baby, discovered the child would die, given birth to him, buried him. His heart twisted as he thought of Irene’s words when she’d thought Holden already knew the truth. Forgive her. She’s beat herself up for so long.

  Anger slipped in and took control of his thoughts. If she’d told him, he would have helped her. They could have comforted each other. But she’d chosen to run away and keep secrets.

  * * *

  Looking at her reflection in the restroom mirror at the physical therapy clinic, Ava raked her fingers through her hair, then tried to fluff the top. She took a tube of lip gloss from her purse and applied the light pink color to her lips. She still looked tired.

  Closing her eyes, she prayed for the millionth time that Holden would forgive her. With the truth exposed, she’d had time to think about her feelings for him. They were simple. She loved him.

  God knew her heart, how she feared love, how guilt led her life. The Lord had spent the last two weeks wooing and loving her. She’d inhaled scripture like clean air and devoured prayer like a starving child. And God had wrapped her in His arms like a newborn baby. She simply couldn’t get enough of Him. And for the first time she felt His forgiveness. More than just head knowledge, she knew heart knowledge, as well.

  Despite the comfort she received from the Lord, she struggled to sleep, knowing Holden might not forgive her. Seeing him again on his knee with that little black box was her fervent prayer.

  She joined Mary, Rick and Katie in the workroom for lunch. Mary pointed to the counter. “Save whatever you brought for lunch for tomorrow. We brought leftover tacos from last night.”

  Ava looked at the multiple containers of crunchy and soft taco shells, meat, refried beans, shredded cheese, lettuce, diced tomatoes, salsa and sour cream. “This looks delicious. When did you have time to set it all out?”

  Katie raised her hand. “That was me.” She took a bite of her taco, then lifted her chin and shoved a dangling piece of lettuce into her mouth.

  Ava filled a plate, then sat at the table. Rick bit into his taco, then swallowed a drink of lemon water. “We have two added appointments today. Mary has to leave to take the boys to practice. I’ll cover one. Will you be able to stay a little later and cover the other?”

  “No problem.”

  Mary wiped her mouth. “The appointment will be after Clyde. We try to schedule him last because he seems to like to linger with you.” She winked.

  Rick smacked the table. “The man still won’t see me, but he seems to really like the new girl.”

  Ava chuckled.

  “Anyway,” Mary said, “this appointment will be after Clyde. She’s a girl from the high school. Gymnastics accident, if I remember correctly.”

  Ava swallowed a bite. “Like I said, no problem.”

  Katie dropped her taco to the table and leaned forward. “Ava, I forgot to tell you this morning.”

  “What?”

  “Corey got a job.” She clapped her hands. “He’s going to be a Phoenix police officer.”

  “That’s terrific.”

  Rick straightened. “We’re really happy for him.”

  “Yep,” said Mary. “He’s a great kid.”

  “Which reminds me.” Katie grinned. “How are things going with Holden?”

  Ava sucked in a breath, causing part of the bite she’d just taken to go down the wrong way. She choked and coughed, tears welling in her eyes, while Rick pounded her back until she could finally breathe again. She lifted her finger and took several drinks of water.

  “Sorry, Ava,” Katie said. “Didn’t mean to get you all choked up.” She nudged her mom’s elbow and giggled.

  Ava rolled her eyes and dabbed them with a napkin. If she broke down in tears, she could blame them on her choking fit. “I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks.”

  “What?” Mary and Rick said together.

  “I thought you really liked each other,” said Katie. “I mean, he looks at you like a kid looks at candy.”

  Ava shrugged. “Never know, I guess.”

  She stood and threw away the paper plate, hoping they wouldn’t ask any more questions.

  “Looks like it’s time to get back to work,” said Rick.

  Ava turned and realized all three of them were staring at her with concerned expressions. She forced a full smile. “Yep. Busy afternoon ahead of us.”

  She tried not to think of Holden as she worked with her first and then second client after lunch, but each time she bumped into Rick or Mary they gave her the come-let-Mommy-and-Daddy-make-it-better faces. Katie was even less tactful. Each time Ava walked to the front to pick up a client, Katie would whisper, “I want all details after work today.”

  Ava wasn’t sure she would be able to hold back the tears when the time came to pick up Clyde from the lobby. To her surprise, he carried a bouquet of wildflowers, including purple lupines and yellow poppies. He grinned as he handed them to her. “The wife and I noticed you’ve been a little down lately. Thought we’d pick you up some of those flowers your boyfriend got you.”

  “Clyde.” She wrapped the old man in a hug. He patted her back, and a single tear slipped down her cheek. She sucked in her breath to keep any more at bay. She released him and smelled the flowers. “Thank you so much.”

  He motioned for her to head back to the room. “You’re welcome, but my arthritis is acting up, and we need to get to work.”

  Once they arrived, he pointed to the door. “Go on. Run to the bathroom. Cry it out for a minute. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Tears filled her eyes as she tapped his knee. “You’re really a sweet, sensitive guy at heart.”

  He huffed. “Well, don’t go telling anybody.” He shooed her away. “Just get on outta here.”

  Ava made her way to the restroom and splashed her face at the sink. Clyde had brought her flowers. She almost laughed out loud. She’d always known that deep down he was a sweetie. Whether Clyde knew it or not, God had used him to give her another one of His hugs. Always provide right when I need it, don’t you, Lord. The last eight years would have gone a lot smoother if I’d truly believed that to begin with.

  Chapter 18

  Ava woke up the morning of the Fourth of July to find the sun shining through her window. The day promised to be a scorcher, and yet Aunt Irene had a packed schedule of plans. Practice for Senior Idol with Jerry in the morning. Clean and then fix a smorgasbord of food for dinner with his and her families. Then fireworks at Surprise Stadium in the evening.

  The day before, Aunt Irene had fretted over not having time to decorate the grave markers of her parents for the Independence Day holiday. Ava’s grandfather had been a veteran who’d fought in World War II. He loved the Fourth of July more than any other holiday, and Aunt Irene always made sure his grave reflected that passion. Not wanting her aunt to worry, Ava had offered to decorate.

  Aunt Irene had been hesitant, then suggested the visit might do Ava some good. Walking into the living area, Ava stared now at the flowers and flags sitting on the floor, waiting for her to take them to the cemetery. She really didn’t want to go. The thought of her baby’s lifeless body in a casket in the ground made her shudder.

  God, go before me this day.


  She got out of bed, took a shower and dressed for the day. Reading a note from her aunt saying she’d already left for Jerry’s, Ava grabbed a banana and a bottle of water, gathered up the decorations and headed out the door.

  Parking near her family’s plots, she frowned when she saw Holden’s truck. God, I really don’t know if I’m up to this. She rubbed her temples, then gathered up her strength. No more running.

  She scooped up the flowers and flags and walked to the plot. For a moment, she faltered when she saw Holden kneeling on one knee, with one hand resting flat against their baby’s marker. He must have heard her approaching because he turned, and she saw a look of sadness in his eyes before it quickly changed to anger.

  Lifting her chin and sucking in a deep breath, she walked the rest of the way. “Hello, Holden.”

  He narrowed his gaze. “What are you doing here?”

  His tone sent a tremor of fury through her. He had every right to be upset with her that she hadn’t been honest in the beginning, but that did not negate the loss she had experienced. “I have every right to visit my son, too,” she snapped.

  His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed again. “You said you don’t like to come.”

  Her ire faded as she placed the decorations on the markers, being sure to arrange them as Aunt Irene would have. “I don’t.” She wiped her forehead with her palm. “I try not to remember him here.”

  “It’s the only place I have to remember him.”

  Holden’s words stabbed her heart. She had felt their baby move in her womb. Believed he was healthy and growing. After the ultrasound and the diagnosis, she’d been numb. Paralyzed with questions and fear, believing God had punished her or that she had done something wrong. When he’d stopped kicking, and another ultrasound confirmed he’d died, the doctor had induced her, and she’d labored for hours for her baby who never took a breath. Her fingers instinctively pressed against her stomach. She held tight to the memories of his active kicks in the womb. “I really am sorry, Holden.”