Burning Both Ends

by Sinclaire Jayne

  “I can’t be pregnant for a million reasons. I’m taking a shower and then going to bed.”

  That was the end of that!

  Except it wasn’t. He did leave her alone in the shower, which made her anxious and resentful even though she should only feel relieved. But he joined her in bed, naked, and she managed to resist him for two seconds before she was wrapped in his embrace and his hands and his mouth and his body made her forget her name.

  Dare woke up several hours later. Lock was still wrapped around her, one hand protectively on her stomach that did not, thank God, look pregnant. She slipped out of the bed. She was finally hungry and she had to pee. Damnit. She might as well do the stupid test when Lock was not hovering. How had he expected her to pee knowing he was waiting right outside the door waiting for the axe to fall?

  He wasn’t taking this at all seriously. Their lives could be changed for all time. They lived in different countries. She couldn’t get married or co-parent. It would be a betrayal of Ryan. But it would be a betrayal of her baby if she didn’t.

  Not even her baby. Their baby. Swallowing down bile, Dare went to the bathroom and unwrapped the box as quietly as possible. She took the test and then perched on the edge of the closed toilet seat, eyes squeezed shut counting to three hundred, slowly. But if she took too long, did the mark fade? Maybe she should have read the directions. No, it didn’t matter. There wasn’t going to be a mark. She was not... she opened one eye and peeked.

  Not even a blue line or a plus sign or whatever they were supposed to be. Just the word. Pregnant.

  Dare stared at the word, barely registering when Lock came in the bathroom and wrapped his arms around her from behind, pulling her flush against the front of his body. She squeezed her eyes shut and let his warmth seep into her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Kale,” Lock said the next day, a Saturday, and a day off for both of them. Although since some of the station’s crew had rotated out to the bushfire and had yet to return to Metropolitan duty, they could be on call if a large fire or accident happened. Dare had been shut down about the pregnancy, and Lock felt like he was crawling out of his skin because he wanted her to have a scan. He wanted to make plans. And he definitely wanted to get her off the truck. During his research when Mim had been expecting last year, he’d learned that firefighters had a higher rate of miscarriage. And Dare had been out on a lot of calls and a bushfire before she’d informed him that she was late. Two fucking months late.

  She was due to return to the States in less than a month, but in his mind, the baby changed everything. Dare had been edgy and reserved last night and this morning. He’d been trying to give her space until she wrapped her head around the pregnancy, but he was pretty fucking done with that useless approach.

  This was his life she was dancing around. Damn. In two months, Dare had become his life. And now a baby. He was going to be a father. He’d be lying if he hadn’t started to think about how that would look, but in all his scenarios, moving back into the house, converting his office or the walk-in closet off the master into a nursery or selling the house, dividing the money between his siblings and buying something he and Dare chose together, she had been with him. Not an ocean away.

  So today he’d had the not so bright idea that browsing the outdoor market in the South Yarra neighborhood near his house would show her how good life in Melbourne could be. He’d shown her precious little of his city so far—mostly his favorite running paths and the rowing along the Yarra. “You like kale in smoothies I’ve noticed. I thought tonight we could season it and bake it as an appetizer.” He tried to get back into the moment instead of letting his thoughts spin round and round about how Dare was handling—or not handling—the news about the baby.

  “Kale,” Dare repeated, and he was beyond pleased that a smile played on her lips. “I was worried you were thinking of it as a possible name,” Dare said.

  He smiled. It was the first time she’d referred to the baby since the positive pregnancy test.

  “Come to think of it...” He resisted the urge to stop and hug her in the middle of the street before carrying her off somewhere until she agreed to marry him and stay. Distance, he had discovered was the one thing he couldn’t handle with her. “Kale would be a cute name for a boy or a girl.”

  Her smile faded. “I’ve never baked it before. I don’t get the chance to cook often, and your kitchen is amazing. My mom would love it. And my sister, Sutter. She’s like me a bit of a nomad out on the road a lot, but when she’s home she cooks, loves baking and entertaining. My mom is a wonderful cook. She was all about whole foods and locally sourced way before it became so precious.”

  It was the most she’d talked about her family with him.

  “Dare”—he tugged a little on her hand so she stopped—“do you want to cook? We could go out. Celebrate. We haven’t really had a date yet.”

  Damn, he’d really done this whole relationship ass backwards.

  “No, I’d like to stay home. I’d love to try your Aga. My mom always wanted one, but too spendy with five kids.”

  “I did not imagine you to be so domestic as to be lusting after an Aga,” he said, feeling a twinge of hope she was giving him something to work with. “Dare, when should we tell your family?”

  She swung away from him, her face closing off a bit.

  He was so bad at this. He was afraid to push because he’d push her away, but he couldn’t tolerate not knowing. He didn’t want his child thousands of miles away. He didn’t want to be a blurry Skype picture to his kid. He didn’t want to miss everything from the first step to the first day of school. Christ, he’d even move to Montana or wherever. He’d already looked into the immigration laws for her or for him.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “That they’re going to be grandparents.”

  “We don’t have a doctor’s confirmation,” she said.

  And Lock wanted to yell that pregnancy tests were bloody accurate and confirmation enough, but he’d arranged a scan at a clinic for Monday just to make sure she and the baby were okay, even though it wasn’t standard practice so early, but if he didn’t know he was going to lose his goddamn mind.

  “And we didn’t plan it.” She looked up at him as he simmered in frustrated silence because anything he said at this point would be wrong.

  He hated that she wasn’t happy about the baby, but he knew that was unreasonable. And he felt like the biggest pig because he was thrilled.

  “You’re acting like the perfect gentleman, Lock, but it’s freaking me out.”

  “The baby?” he felt her fear like a blow. And he felt guilty. He was happy about the baby. Dare seemed ambiguous at best. But it would be scary to carry life she wasn’t prepared for. Maybe she felt like she would have to take on all the responsibility.

  “Stop saying that word. Of course that. But freakier is the way you’re handling it.”

  Numbly, he picked up some tangerines and a pineapple, striving to act like this was a normal Saturday when his world was shattering. What if she wanted a termination? He had no idea what he’d do. He’d always thought it should be the woman’s choice, but that was theory. When it was his baby, he didn’t think he’d be cool-headed about it at all. Fuck. What was he going to do?

  He didn’t want to say something he’d regret. He weighed the fruit and after Dare added apples, the one thing she seemed to eat with no problem, and some cabbage and peaches, he paid.

  “How would you like me to handle it?” He tried not to sound or look hurt, but it was a blow. The baby was part of them. And she didn’t want it or him.

  “Be real about it.”

  That pulled him up short. “Real?” He looked at her as people milled about them and they were pushed along a little in the crown. A street musician sang the Beatle’s song, “Blackbird.” That song had always made him unreasonably sad even with the stupid bird track in the background.

  “What would real look like, Dare?” He
almost managed to bite back the sarcasm.

  They walked down another aisle of the outdoor market, the cheerfulness of the aggressively bright colored awnings, ruffling in the light morning breeze seemed to mock his foul mood. His dread.

  “We didn’t plan on this.” She hissed.

  “Stop saying that. You are talking about our child. And since when do you plan everything out?” He nearly exploded. “Jumping in that apartment window with no respirator was planned or, wait, how about when you arrived on the scene of a pileup before you were sent to the bushfires, and you jumped off the truck before Reese had stopped the damn thing and rushed toward a car that was smoking to pull out a passenger without an extinguisher? Was that planned out too?”

  “Mim was right behind me with the extinguisher. And I had my tools with me so I wasn’t unprepared.” She huffed and walked quickly away.

  To hell with diplomacy. Didn’t work with her. He intercepted her. Got in her space.

  “Dare.” He held both of her arms to her side. “We are having a child. You and me. You are not alone, but you have to fucking deal with it and me.”

  She looked away and then back. Her beautiful eyes were liquid and so expressive he just pulled her tight to her chest.

  “I’m right here.” He said. “Right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I know.” Her voice was quiet. Final.

  She let him hold her, her skin was warm in the sun, and nothing, no moment had ever felt so good in his entire life.

  “Let’s just wait for the scan on Monday,” she said, pulling away a little. “Then we’ll talk. I just have some things to work out.”

  He didn’t want to wait for the scan. He wanted to make a plan with her. What did she have to plan out on her own? She was part of him now. They were his life. Dare and their baby. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to want to stay with him. Be a family with him. Raise their child together, but Dare just seemed to slip further and further away.

  The gel was cold on her belly. Dare stared at the ceiling. Goddamn beige again. She should have become a doctor. She’d have tropical colors in her clinics. Bold, bright colors and everyone would be healthy and happy. Her heart was pounding and she felt icy with anxiety. She wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to happen today. The scan to reveal a baby or nothing.

  She couldn’t get a read off of Lock. He must want there to be nothing. Was he praying? See, she didn’t know the most basic things about him. She’d known Ryan’s every thought. Until he’d gotten sick. Then he’d shut her out. Focused inside. Pretended it wasn’t happening, promised her that he’d get well even as he got sicker. He’d pretended he wasn’t hurting and could still see her even when the tumor ate up his eyesight in the last days. He’d pretended. Until the end when he’d made his last demand that she remember him. Hold his spirit. Live for both of them. And then he’d left her to navigate the terror and the death alone.

  Just like she was doing to Lock. Pretending everything was normal. Leaving him alone.

  She moved her hand, seeking his and nearly cried in relief when his warm fingers enveloped hers.

  “So...” The technician picked up the wand. “You have concerns about the pregnancy?”

  Dare just stared at her blankly. Shit. Did that mean it was real? Her concerns were so many she couldn’t begin to list them, but what the hell Dare was going to do about her life and career and childcare and living arrangements was not what the technician meant.

  “Yes,” Lock said. “Darington is a firefighter, and I was reading that female firefighters have a higher rate of miscarriage even though I couldn’t find any definitive studies as to why. We are exposed to a lot of chemical hazards even with the respirators. Some women are asking to be moved off the truck the first trimester whereas they used to wait until the second or third.”

  Dare felt like he’d slapped her. Miscarriage. Chemical hazards. It was one thing for her to worry about it, but to hear Lock spell it out in his beautiful, deep voice was like a knife to her womb. Had she killed their baby? Hurt it? By ignoring the fact that she was late she’d imperiled her child. Oh, God. Their child.

  The child he’d never wanted.

  “Well, let’s take a look.” The technician put the wand to her belly.

  No mistaking that swoosh sound. Although it sounded different from what she’d heard in training and a few times out in the field with the handheld ultrasound.

  She’d hurt their baby. Her eyes filled with tears.

  “Oh,” the technician said and removed the wand. “Okay. Let me go get the doctor.”

  “Wait! What?” Dare jackknifed off the table. “What’s wrong.”

  “Nothing’s wrong. I just confirmed the pregnancy and you are pregnant and there’s a fetal heartbeat so now the doctor or physician’s assistant will come in.”

  “Don’t lie,” Dare said. “What’s wrong? Does it have two heads or something? I killed it. It’s my fault I jumped in that building and didn’t have a respirator. I held my breath too long. I breathed in all the toxic air. Did I give the baby brain damage? Does it have a brain?”

  “Just wait right here.” the technician backed away, looking a little nervous.

  “Thank you,” Lock said and he loomed over Dare. “Dare. You’re fine. The baby has a brain. Just breathe.”

  She tried. She really did. But she was sitting up again, peppering Lock with questions. But his face was tight and she could tell something was on his mind, and she couldn’t stand that he was shutting her out, even though she knew, just knew she was the biggest hypocrite ever because that was what she’d been doing to him from the very beginning.

  Lock perched on the edge of the narrow medical exam table, his arms on either side of her, his reassuring warmth and scent washing over her. She looked into his eyes because he deserved that after what she’d done to their baby and shutting him out like he wasn’t part of this, but instead of anxiety or resentment or disappointment, he looked calm.

  “I love you, Dare,” he said.

  “Wait! What? You can’t. It’s too soon.”

  “Doesn’t work like that,” he said. “I’ve loved you for a long time. I’d planned to tell you in a more romantic setting.” He looked around wryly. “But I love you. And I know you’re having a hard time with falling pregnant, but....”

  The doctor walked in. She introduced herself.

  “You have some concerns about potential occupational hazards?” she asked, indicating that Dare should lay back down.

  She did. Out came the wand again and Dare held her breath.

  Lock loved her. He’d told her he loved her in this awful beige room where they might find out that her cowardice and greed for great sex with no strings or interrupting period might have given their baby an extra arm or who knew what could happen? Again, she heard a swishing sound. It sounded loud and weirdly echoey.

  “There it is, see.” The doctor indicated the monitor but Dare was afraid to look. Instead, she looked at Lock’s face.

  He hadn’t ever wanted kids, but now he was staring at the monitor like it was a holy relic.

  “They have the same placenta so identical...”

  “They?” Dare shot up again and the wand slid off her stomach so the room went eerily silent.

  “Oh, my God, I killed the baby,” Dare whispered into the silence.

  Lock’s hand anchored hers.

  “Twins.” The doctor smiled. “Congratulations.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Talk to me. I’m going crazy, Dare.”

  She sat on the edge of the pool. It was night now. They’d gone back to work after the scan and finished their shift at seven and had brought Thai takeout home. A little like their first date that was not a date. Lock watched Dare. She seemed pensive, but no longer shutting him out. She’d held his hand when they’d walked home along the riverfront with the food and had even chatted about her upcoming orientation with the MFB department once her temporary license was approved. Her paperwork an
d temporary certification and license was being fast tracked, and starting next week, she would spend the next two weeks taking calls out of Rafe Wilder’s station, covering for one of his medics who needed family emergency leave.

  Lock had called in the personal favor and Rafe had said yes without asking any questions. He owed him big.

  Dare’s feet dangled in the water. Her pad Thai was virtually uneaten.

  “You need to eat, Dare.”

  She made a face.

  “Everything just wants to come back up except the apples and almond butter and tea. The doctor said everything looked good and that my appetite would return in the second trimester. That sounds so foreign to say.” She stared down at the lights in the pool. “I’m ten weeks pregnant. I got pregnant the first night we...”

  “Made love,” Lock interrupted her. “And we got pregnant.”

  “Twenty-first century guy.” She wrinkled her nose.

  He smiled and sat beside her and using the chopsticks a bit awkwardly scooped out a bite. She ate it.

  “I’m going to have to teach you how to use those properly.”

  “I’m game.”

  “You know how big I’m going to get with twins. Yuck.”

  He laughed. “I’ll cut a wider frame in my door for you.”

  She pushed him in the pool in his clothes. He came up laughing and yanked her off the side so she splashed down beside him. For the first time since he’d picked her up from the bushfire, she smiled and it looked and felt real. He could feel the cold fist of dread that had gripped him since she’d been so freaked out about the positive pregnancy test, ease.

  He kissed her, first her lips and then her cheeks, and then down her neck. He always loved kissing her neck and how her head would fall back and her breathing would quicken.

  “I can’t believe we got pregnant the first time,” she said.

  “I thought you were a medic. Sperm’s not cumulative.”

  “Ha. Ha. You are so fucking funny. I know I missed one pill when I flew to Australia, but I doubled up the next day, and we used condoms.”