The Odd Bunnies

by Sam Cullan

  Chapter Seven

  Will lay on Alice's bed, and Alice was next to him, both with two plump pillows supporting their tired bodies. They had been drinking for an hour, and were very happy. They'd discussed films, music, religion, vampires, food and fashion. The fashion discussion was the longest, but basically consisted of Alice telling Will why she loved clothes. Will listened intently, mainly because he said he was too tired to talk. Really, he was too tired to listen.

  “You look tired.”

  “Yeah, long day. Time for bed I think.”

  Alice bounced off the bed and skipped to the dressing room. She returned with a key card.

  “Room 66 - your age.”

  “I feel it.”

  “Now, you're right next door,” Alice pointed to a wall, “So you'll be quite safe.”

  Will agreed that he would be.

  “Do you need a toothbrush?”

  “Strangely, I didn't bring one.”

  Alice skipped back to the dressing room and returned with a new toothbrush in its wrapper, and a new tube of toothpaste in a box.

  “Aren't you Little Miss Prepared.”

  “That's me.”

  Alice showed Will to the door and watched in amusement as he failed to work the electronic lock on door 66.

  “Here.” Alice opened the door and ushered him in. “Anything else I can do for you?”

  “No, thanks.” Will was too drunk to risk being risqué.

  “Ok, see ya at breakfast - about eight?”

  “You best wake me.”

  Alice decided it would be best if she woke him, and took the key card so she didn't have to bang on his door.

  “Night, sweet dreams.”

  “You too.”

  Alice gave him a peck on the cheek to ensure he would have sweet dreams, and Will thanked her again. He headed for the bathroom and Alice skipped back to her room.

  Will eventually managed to extricate the toothbrush from its wrapper, and dutifully brushed his remaining teeth, half of which were crowned or poorly filled. The thought crossed his mind that it should be him who took possession of the magic tooth amulet, as he needed it more than Alice. He might have to fight her for it, but he was sure he'd lose. So much for that idea. Maybe she'd fly him to L.A. and get her personal dentist to sort him out, for surely all actors must have one. He fell out of his clothes and collapsed on the bed. The room was warm, and he could happily have stayed where he fell. The thought of Alice opening the door in the morning and finding him lying there in his underpants was bothering him, and he somehow summoned the strength and co-ordination to roll the duvet from underneath his bulk so it was on top of him. He crawled onto his side and tucked an arm under a sumptuous pillow, pulling it under his head. In three minutes he was sound asleep, and dreaming about Alice.

  He figured if he kept dreaming she wouldn't go away, as she surely would one day. Everyone good that had come into his life had gone away at some point, and his preventative cure for the malady was to stop people coming into his life. Alice had slipped through the barriers, under the barbed wire and over the crocodile moat, and he was quite angry at himself for not employing a portcullis and boiling oil. Once she had the amulet, she'd go home to her glamourous and exciting friends and forget all about him.

  Shit, getting depressed. Need to switch dreams.

  Will dreamt of a gorgeous blond woman with the warmest smile and cutest bottom he could imagine. She had the biggest blue eyes, and they exerted a magnetic attraction that all humans were powerless to resist. Sensuality oozed from every pore of her spotless skin, and she had the most fascinating aura of any human being he knew. He was standing on a rock by a perfect beach in a perfect turquoise sea, and she was calling him to join her on the perfect white sand. He was sure she had a pint of cold beer, which she’d kept cold just for him to enjoy, no doubt while she teased his hair and complimented him on his manliness.

  “Will, Will.”

  He gazed adoringly at her.

  “Will, Will.”

  He continued to gaze adoringly.

  “Will, Will, wake up.”

  Wake up? He was awake, gazing adoringly at her beautiful face. Why was she telling him to wake up? Will was in pain now because somehow she had hurt him. Why are you hurting me? Suddenly Will was drowning, unable to breathe. The waves were sucking him under and he couldn't swim. His arms were numb and he was going to drown.

  “WAKE UP!”

  “I'm drowning.”

  “Too right you will, Will.”

  “Why ..? Why...?”

  “Because it's breakfast time, you lazy slob!”

  Will woke just in time to see Alice standing over him with a second glass of water. She pretended she didn't see his eyes open, or at least that was her excuse for pouring it over his face. That was two glasses of icy water, and Will was indeed spluttering a bit. Alice thought she might have over-done it, but it didn't stop her howling with laughter.

  “Jesus, what time is it? I only just got to sleep.”

  “It's eight AM. You've slept for eight hours.”

  “Huh.” Will was awake but far from conscious, in the sense most people associate with that word. His was a slimmed-down version of consciousness, an energy-saving form.

  “But I was dreaming.”

  “Evidently.”

  “It was you.”

  “Huh?”

  “The woman, it was you.”

  “If you say so, Will.” Alice was feeling a little semi-conscious herself now. “Are you having breakfast with me?”

  “Breakfast.”

  “Gee, this is like waking the dead. Harder, probably.”

  “I'm dead? I knew it!” Satan has evidently got the right paperwork now.

  “You want me to get another glass of water?”

  Will suddenly felt his arm again, and swam hurriedly to the surface.

  “I'm up.”

  “Evidently.”

  Will had let the duvet slide off. Shit. Alice turned and walked away, stifling a fit of giggles.

  “Ten minutes. No more.”

  Will thought he might make it down in ten minutes, if he stopped thinking about that woman. Shit. This was all going a bit Pete Tong. Think of dirty dishes. He got down sufficiently to get up, and headed for the bathroom. Leaning at an angle of 45 degrees, he felt a great sense of relief. He brushed his teeth and noticed some sensations in his mouth, and decided he was sufficiently conscious to join Alice for breakfast as long as she didn't expect him to be coherent, let alone interesting or witty. It was way too early for that. But he could eat - he could do that in his sleep.

  Will picked up his clothes, which had magically transported themselves from a crumpled heap on the floor to a neatly folded pile on a chair. Satan's work, he told himself. He placed the pile on the bed and fell next to it, then dragged and pulled and groaned until he bore some resemblance to a dressed person. He staggered to the door and fell through the opening, which was some feat because he had to pull it towards him first.

  Alice was stood in the hall with her arms and legs crossed, and her face wore a similar expression. He deduced she was probably cross. “Are you crossed?”

  “Huh?”

  “Umm, cross? I mean cross. Not Cross, I know you're Cross.”

  Alice punched his arm in a playful way. Will didn't feel it.

  “Come on big Willy, they're waiting for you.”

  Steve hadn't even noticed the crude pun. “Who?”

  “Everybody.”

  “It's only ...” Will looked at his watch, which wasn't there. He didn't realise it wasn't there, and stared at his wrist for a few seconds hoping it would come into focus.

  “It's eight-thirty and we're the last for breakfast.”

  They were walking now. Alice was walking forwards, but Will was walking diagonally and was thankful the corridors were not wider, because it would have been a very long walk to breakfast.

  “I thought people came to hotels to relax and enjoy themselves.�
��

  “Sleeping all day is not enjoying yourself.”

  Will couldn't summon the coherence to answer, but he knew the day started when you woke up, and he would never choose to wake up at eight o'clock. He knew Alice was cross and he felt bad about that, but he wished she'd go away and leave him alone so he could be grumpy in peace.

  Three bacon sandwiches and two glasses of fresh orange juice later, Will had achieved 80% consciousness. This was quite a feat, and he felt pleased. He needed a coffee and a cigarette to come close to full consciousness, and he wondered if he could evade Alice and the doorman long enough to sneak one. He decided to make an excuse.

  “I need to fetch something from the car.”

  “You're going for a smoke.”

  “Err, no.... yes.” Why even bother to try outwitting Alice. She'd reached 100% hours ago, probably before she woke up. She was that prepared.

  “I'll wait in my room. Do you remember where that is?”

  Will was clearly being put in his place, and he knew where that place was. He wondered if he'd been a little too friendly last night, and he decided he needed to watch his step today. He casually lifted a cup of coffee and hoped nobody would mind if he sneaked it outside. Heading for the entrance lobby he was relieved to see it unmanned. No problem. He could see open air and skipped forwards, striking his leg against the cast iron umbrella stand and launching both cup and coffee out of the door. He turned to see Alice with her arms crossed, tutting. With a shake of the head she turned and grinned, thinking how easy it would be to have fun this morning.

  Luckily for Will the cup landed in a bed of pansies, and they were busy being pansies so didn't mind too much. He sneaked back into the dining room and procured more coffee, before negotiating the lobby for a second time. He reached the car without further incident and fell in. He sat sideways with the door open and breathed in the unadulterated morning air – he had to agree, morning air was the best. He'd spent many years working nights and early mornings, every hour on the clock, so he knew that at night the air fairies came out with their little wands and brushes, and magically cleaned away the detritus of modern living that air inevitably collects during the day.

  He rolled a liquorice cigarette and lit it, breathing in a heady mixture of fairy air and nicotine. The effect was immediate, and was akin to having air fairies sucking detritus out of your head. He loved the buzz a day between cigarettes could deliver, and felt it was well worth the abstinence. He wouldn't be able to stand for a few minutes, but he'd always thought standing was overrated. He closed his eyes. Suddenly he was aware of a figure looming over him.

  “Will?”

  “Err, yes?”

  “Hi, Marvin. Alice's driver.”

  “Oh, hi, nice to meet you.”

  “How's your head?”

  “Much better, thanks. Thanks for that, the other night.”

  “No sweat. Listen, I just had a word with Alice...” Will knew it, she'd got fed up with him already and had sent her lackey to shoo him away, probably with threats of violence and lawsuits.

  “Ohh...”

  “She's sending me back to London, so I'm leaving her in your capable hands.”

  “Ohh...” Will was pleased he wasn't being left again, but now it dawned on him he'd have to watch over Alice. He hoped he could handle the responsibility, but could see lots of potential problems.

  “Big responsibility buddy, sure you can handle it?”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  “OK, she's all yours. See ya!”

  “Bye!”

  Will watched as Marvin strode purposefully towards a shiny black Range Rover with leather seats. “Could've left THAT here,” he muttered under his breath. He wanted another cigarette, but visions of Alice sitting in a chair with crossed legs, drumming her fingers, flashed through his mind. He staggered to his feet, shut the door and aimed the key fob at the Rover, which dutifully locked itself and flashed a friendly orange confirmation. Returning to the lobby he carefully stepped around the umbrella stand, glaring at the object which he knew was just pretending to be inanimate.

  Standing outside room 67 he straightened his shirt before knocking. The door opened and Alice beckoned him in.

  “Awake yet?”

  “Just about.”

  “I've sent Marvin back to London.”

  “I know.”

  “I'm all yours now.”

  “OK, what are my duties?”

  “Attending to my every need.” She wrinked. “Are you up for it?”

  Will considered his answer carefully. “Always.”

  Alice grinned. “So you wanna go shopping?”

  “Boots?”

  “Boots, yes. Anything else you need?”

  “I got you, what more do I need?”

  “You're a man of simple needs.”

  “I'm a simple man.”

  “I'm a simple girl.”

  “Yes. I mean no. I mean you're simply all a simple man of simple needs, needs - simply put.”

  “What language are you speaking?”

  “Willish.”

  “You'll have to teach me.” Alice wrinked again.

  “I'll teach you all I know.”

  “Ohh, not sure I'm ready for that! I'm just a simple southern gal.” Alice hoped Will would teach her everything he knew because, despite his appearance, she figured he knew quite a lot.

  “You're anything but simple. I'd say you could teach me a few things.”

  “Play your cards right...” She was staring not wrinking, keen to take in the vision of confuddlement and embarrassment that was Will's face.

  Will pre-warmed his lips while his brain attempted to compute the barrage of conflicting signals Alice was firing at him. After eight seconds his brain crashed. While he was waiting for it to reboot, he decided to entertain her with his full repertoire of pre-recorded smiles and frowns, in the hope that one of them would satisfy her strange womanly demands. Alice watched intently, wondering why Will was bombarding her with so many mixed signals. Eventually she found one she liked, and muttered approval.

  “Good, well let's go shopping.”

  “Yippee.”

  “You're excited by shopping? Cool.”

  Will was excited to get away with his balls still attached. “I love shopping.”

  “You wanna take a shower?”

  “I guess I do.” Will had taken one quite recently, but this was a special occasion.

  “OK, see you in ten?”

  “Fifteen.”

  “OK.”

  Will wished he'd gone for twenty first, as he could have bargained down to seventeen. He hated rushing showers, and didn't have a hair dryer.

  “Can I borrow your hair dryer?”

  Alice's eyes swung upwards. “For what?”

  “For drying my hairy bits.”

  Alice's eyes disappeared somewhere under her eyebrows.

  “On my head.”

  “You're such a woman - that fuzz will be dry before you finish getting dressed.”

  “I don't like having a cold head.” It was true, and if hair didn't need washing Will would've let his grow very long. He found hair washing slightly less bearable than a cold head, and he had hats, so he had it cut very short. It also disguised the few grey hairs that were beginning to surface round the sides of his temple.

  “Here.” Alice handed over a hair dryer. “Don't break it.”

  “How could I break it?”

  “Well I'm not gonna tell you that, am I?”

  Will smiled, Alice swrinked. A semi-wrink, as if she tried to wink but couldn't decide with which eye, and just ended up with a wrinkled nose. Or maybe she was allergic to something, like blabbering idiots. Will hurried off to his room, called for Alice to open the door, and headed for the shower. Fourteen and a half minutes later, he knocked on Alice's door.

  “Better?”

  “Yes, thanks.” Will handed over a perfectly functional hair dryer. “Sorry about the hair dryer.”

 
“WHAT?”

  Will grinned. Got you. Alice punched his left triceps very hard. Had she thought he'd not been joking, it would have been very much harder.

  Will was in pain, not for the first time since meeting Alice. “Owwww.” Then under his breath “Biatch.”

  “What did you call me?”

  “Nothing. I said ow.”

  “You said biatch.”

  “Did that come out? Shit. I suffer from loose vowel movements. I meant Bitch.”

  “Asshole.”

  Will was sure Alice had far more insults in her portfolio than he did, so he accepted his asshole status.

  “Let's go shopping!” Alice took Will by the arm and led him away. Will accepted his fate with little dignity.

  Will warmed the Rover's heart and fired her up. It was misty inside, so he switched the air conditioning on and turned the fan to setting three. Four would've been better, but the fan was already complaining noisily on three. He had to wait now.

  “Sounds sick.” Alice had never heard such a noise from a car - or anything else, come to think of it.

  Will muttered in agreement and revved the old engine, hoping to blow away some of the bluey-grey cloud that was building up behind the car and threatening to engulf the hotel. The cloud grew bigger and took on an ominous shade of black. The old engine needed a good, hard run to clear some of the soot from the system.

  “It just needs a good thrashing.”

  “What is it with you and thrashing?” Alice feigned repulsion. “Pervert.”

  Will couldn't fault her diagnosis. “I'm a pervert.”

  Will exited the hotel courtyard and pointed the Rover toward the city centre. Alice pulled the Wayfarers from her bag and shaded up. She rummaged in the bag again, and then pulled open the glove box. She rummaged more, not that there was much to rummage through.

  “Where's my book?”

  “Your book?”

  “Your book.”

  “My book?”

  “My book.”

  “My book or your book?” Will didn't know this game, but he humoured her.

  “My book, your book.”

  Will was unsure of the correct retort. “Err, your book, my book?”

  “Yes.”

  Phew. He was still in the game.

  “This isn't a game.”

  “Oh.”

  “My copy of your book is missing.”

  “Missing? Book? My? Your?” Will knew he wasn't making sense, but he had no sense of what it was he was trying to make sense of.

  “Yes.” Alice rummaged through the glove box again.

  Clearly he had made sense of it, but he still didn't know what it was.

  Alice explained. “I left my book – the one you wrote, the reason I'm here – in the glove compartment. I know I did.”

  “And it's not there?”

  Alice was scowling. Will didn't see it because he was trying to keep his eyes on the road, which was flanked by hoards of shoppers ready to test his reactions, but he felt the scowl boring into the side of his head, a scowl powerful enough to burn through the dark glasses. He was sure Alice wouldn't make a mistake, from what he already knew about her.

  “Sure you're not mistaken?”

  His head burned. Alice's eyes were about to turn him into a pillar of salt. He desperately sought out a suicidal shopper to focus on. Fortunately they were almost at the car park, and he successfully evaded her stare until he'd safely pulled the Rover onto the entrance ramp. He drove round and round and round, climbing up to the top storey. As the car emerged into the daylight he glanced at Alice, who was still scowling.

  Will pulled into a space and turned off the engine. He faced his opponent. “Right, let's get this straight. You left a book in the glove compartment and it's not there now.”

  Alice's scowl intensified.

  “Have you looked under your seat?

  Alice hadn't thought of that. “Yes of course I've looked under my seat.” She looked again just to prove the point, and was semi-relieved to find nothing.

  Will tried to think logically.

  “Let's look at this logically. You left the book in the car last night, I locked the car, and it was locked until around nine this morning. I unlocked it, had a fag, and then locked it again.” Will was quite sure he had not left the book unguarded, not that he could see why anybody would steal it.

  “You sure you locked it?”

  “Of course... Err...” Will couldn't remember if he'd locked it, but he knew he could remember not unlocking it that morning. He decided to withhold that information.

  “Somebody has stolen my book.” Alice was convinced, and she could see lots of reasons why.

  “Why?”

  “Because it contains valuable information.”

  Will could not stifle his laugh. He'd written it, so he knew there was little value to any of the information, but now might not be a good time to tell Alice. “Sorry, nervous laugh. Look, all the information in that book is in my head, so don't worry.”

  “Not all.”

  “Huh?”

  “I made notes. I researched ancient civilizations, and mythologies, and amulets, and … and … vampires, and stuff.”

  “And you didn't think to write your notes on a computer?”

  “OK, so I'm not perfect like you.” There wasn't a hint of sarcasm.

  “I'm not perfect.”

  “Compared to me, you are. I'm by no means perfect.”

  “I think you are.”

  Alice appreciated the comment and smiled weakly. “I'm not as perfect as I make out. I make mistakes, I fuck things up, I hate the way I look. I'm just good at hiding it. It's called acting.”

  Will's illusions were in no way shattered, and he put his arms round her. Alice wiped a solitary tear from her perfect cheek.

  “I guess I shattered your illusions.”

  “Yes, you have.”

  Alice punched Will.