The Odd Bunnies

by Sam Cullan

  Chapter Fourteen

  Alice was swigging beer. She was still a little shaken, and found comfort between Old Bob and Betty Stoggs. Will had bought a dozen bottles, as well as more wine, and some snacks for the night shift at Gidwell. It occurred to her she was becoming more streetwise, and it would be good experience for any future roles as a tough, spunky, fast-talking, witty-quipping, heavy-drinking anti-hero. If she started smoking and got a tattoo, she'd have the monopoly on those parts.

  Will was looking for a place to park, closer to the footpath than last time. He didn't fancy battling through the head-high bracken field. He spotted a wooden post bearing half a sign, reading 'tpath' and deduced it was either written by a northerner or the 'foo' had been broken off, or eaten by a cow.

  The adventurers suited up: boots and waterproofs, woolly hats and gloves, flask, beer, snacks and torches. Will had brought his camera kit in a backpack, hoping to capture something other-worldly, or Alice taking a pee in the bushes. Either way, it'd be something he could fall back on if he fell on hard times, or when Alice stopped returning his emails. If he could get a murdering monk ghost and a peeing Alice in the same frame, that surely would be of interest to a wide range of magazine editors. If there was a rabbit in it, he'd have the local market sewn up, too.

  “Towel?”

  Alice hadn't given it a lot of thought. “Err, do we have to swim across a river?”

  “You really should read more.”

  “About swimming, or towels?” Alice couldn't quite decide which of the two was the most essential reading for streetwise girls.

  “A towel is about the most useful thing an interstellar hitch-hiker can have.”

  “Ummm … OK. I vaguely get it - that book?”

  “You really should read it. I have the trilogy - all four of them.”

  “Isn't a tri ...” Alice saw no point in finishing her question. “OK, I will, Will.” She was amused by double-wills.

  Will packed two towels into his rucksack, and locked the car.

  “Let's go, Catwoman.”

  “Isn't she Batman's enemy?”

  “You wanna be Robin?”

  “Nah. Lead the way.”

  The daring duo headed in the general direction the broken finger sign had indicated, and after a few yards picked out a fairly well-worn path through the wet grass. The air was heavy with moisture, chilly, but very still. Will was grateful for not having to endure wind and rain, the two most common weather characteristics in this part of the country. He hoped it would be warmer lower down by the wooded area that sheltered the chapel. They advanced, torches in hand, though the area was flooded with unusually bright moonlight.

  Alice was enchanted. “Full moon.”

  “Looks like it.”

  “Are there were-wolves round here?”

  “Only were-rabbits. Don't look them in the eye.”

  “Of course, I'm not stupid.”

  “Stop.”

  “What?”

  “Look.”

  “Where?”

  “There?”

  “Where?”

  Will pointed with his torch, the beam catching flashes of white against the black backdrop to the woods. The flashes disappeared into the undergrowth.

  “Did you see that?”

  “Yeah, what was it?” Alice was a little freaked.

  “Too big to be a rabbit.”

  “Thank God. We'd have no chance against a rabbit that size.”

  “Could be a sheep, or a cow.”

  Alice could handle sheep and cows, so they continued into the dark forest. Shaded from the moonlight, their torches were only good for illuminating the path. They kept their eyes on the ground, trying to ignore the blackness and occasional rustling coming from all around them.

  “Are there wild animals here?” Alice had visions of bears and mountain lions, or possibly raccoons.

  “Nah, nothing that would bother us. There are sheep here for sure, maybe a stray cow or horse. The only wild animals are rabbits, foxes, badgers, mink, stoats, weasels, squirrels, deer, rats, mice, voles, shrews, toads, frogs, owls, moths, spiders, lions, woodlice, hedgehogs, ants ...”

  Alice interrupted, “Did you just say lions?”

  “Oh, well they're very shy.”

  “Oh, fine.” Alice had stopped dead in her tracks. “Are you serious?”

  “Well, there have been sightings.”

  “When?”

  “Recently.”

  “By whom?”

  “Lots of … err, only a few people. Me. I saw one. Not here, miles away. Miles.”

  “You're teasing me I HOPE.”

  “Of course. They wouldn't come here, unless there was a ready food supply and thick cover.”

  “Like sheep in a wood?”

  “Err …”

  “You ARE messing with me, aren't you Will?”

  “They're probably hibernating.”

  “Lions don't hibernate. Tell the truth, Will.”

  “Well there are reported sightings of big cats, like panthers, all over this county. It’s possible they’re abandoned pets. They probably don't live long.”

  “Long enough to eat me?”

  “You're too scrawny, they'd go for me.”

  “You're old and gristly, they'd want tender meat.”

  The journey to the chapel continued, along with a debate about whether lions prefer young, slender humans or old, fatty ones. Each was convinced they were the preferred prey. Will told Alice that if they were attacked by a lion, or a rabbit, he would definitely throw himself on top of Alice and thus get eaten first, and he would be enough for any lion. Alice said that he'd squash her flat, simultaneously disabling her and tenderizing her meaty bits. Will tried bargaining with the lion, but she didn't buy it. They agreed the best course of action would be to throw beer bottles and shout 'rabbit, rabbit' whilst vigorously hopping and mating.

  They came to the clearing and aimed their torchlight at the chapel, which was very dark and very creepy.

  “Where shall we sit?”

  “Behind the railings.” Will figured they'd slow a lion down, if not a rabbit. He found a pile of rocks that wasn't covered in slime or smelling of urine and carefully unfolded a towel over them. They sat, squashed together, facing the corner where Will thought the well might have been.

  “Beer?”

  “Absolutely.”

  They supped on a dark, sweet, fruity ale. Will unpacked his camera and attached a lens. He fired a few test shots, aiming them at every corner of the site, the flash briefly filling their eyes with a plethora of weird and threatening shapes that Alice really didn't like. Will peered at the playback screen to see if he'd caught a ghost. All he'd caught was blurred night, for the camera's auto-focus had failed to lock on to anything solid.

  “Hmmm.”

  “What?”

  “Looks like a rabbit.”

  “What?”

  “Two blurry eyes. Could be a mink. Or a hedgehog.”

  “Bottle tops.” Alice was pointing her torch at a couple of metal bottle tops, “Presumably all that remains of the last ghost-hunting party.”

  “Oh, yeah.” Will put down his camera and wrapped an arm round Alice's shoulders.

  For 40 minutes the daring duo sat still and quiet, whispering and supping beer. Their eyes were becoming accustomed to the meagre light filtering through the overhead canopy. Their ears, no longer burdened with the hectic sounds of modern life, were picking out tiny snippets of woodland life - a rustling here, a hoot there, strange barking sounds, tiny high-pitched growls, and occasional low-pitched growls. There were no roars, and Alice said that was a bad sign because lions don't roar when they're stalking prey.

  “Shh, what's that?” Alice was spooked.

  Will listened, cupping his ears and rotating his head. “I hear it.” He picked his camera up slowly and pointed it at the bushes where he detected a rummaging and rustling. Straining his eyes, he could see no movement in the patchwork of black and black-ish
vegetation. He half-pressed the shutter button to try and focus, but the lens motor whirred hopelessly.

  “Shh, you'll scare it.”

  “Scare it? What about me?” Will cut the whirring and listened. “Point your torch over there.”

  Alice shone the beam onto a bush, and shuddered. “It moved.”

  Will followed the beam of light and the whirring motor stopped, accompanied by a beep. He took the shot and a flash of light threw into vision a huge black and white face, with black holes for eyes. The beast reacted to the unexpected intrusion and crashed through the undergrowth, branches snapping and cracking, thunderous footsteps echoing off the chapel wall. The forest was filled with haunting screams and yelps, the beast apparently mocking the insignificant humans. Dozens of smaller animals, who had been quietly foraging, shouted warnings or shrieked in fear, as the blood-curdling cacophony built to a level that would surely wake any dead monk. Alice cowered behind Will, who had been too slow to cower behind Alice.

  After what seemed like an eternity they realized the thundering and crashing sound was diminishing, and the beast was clearly headed away from them. Alice opened her eyes and looked over Will's shoulder. Her senses had been violated and she struggled to make sense of her surroundings.

  “Can I open my eyes yet?” Will had his head in his lap.

  “Yes.”

  Will sat up and looked at Alice, whose terror-scarred expression mimicked his own. Will held the camera in trembling hands and flicked to playback. He wasn't sure he wanted to see the monster, but he also wanted to make sure it was correctly exposed.

  “It's a bloody zebra!”

  “What? A zebra? Oh no, is it hurt?”

  “Not a bloody zebra, a bloody zebra.” Alice decided Will was traumatized and held his arm.

  “We should check it's OK.”

  “You bloody check it's OK.”

  Alice got the message, eventually. She laughed, then relieved herself of a huge breath. “That was scary for a minute.”

  “Scary? Minute?” Will emptied a bottle of beer into his neck.

  Alice laughed. “Poor thing, it was petrified.”

  “I was bloody petrified”

  “Don't be wet.” She stuck her tongue out and Will photographed it. It was blurred and over-exposed.

  “There might be a reward.” Will was determined to profit from the experience.

  “We must report it. I think … aaaaaaaaeeeieiiiieeee!!” Her scream made the zebra’s sound like a small, hoarse mouse. “Monk!” Behind Will she'd spotted a pale grey man with a bald head, seemingly buried to his waist in the ground. He was straining to free himself, and had his eyes firmly fixed on Alice. They were burning, red eyes, eating into her soul. She was paralysed.

  Will swung round and caught a fleeting glimpse of the grey monk, but when the monk saw Will it screamed and sank into the ground. Will looked at Alice, and together they agreed, “Time to go.”

  Will threw his camera in the bag and hooked it over his shoulder, then grabbed Alice's cold hand. They ran, headed for the light at the edge of the forest, barging through branches and briars with no sense of the whipping and scratching across their exposed hands and faces. Will could move quickly when the occasion demanded it, his large heavy frame easily pushing all but the thickest branches out of their path, and Alice was no weight to drag along. By the time they reached the field, Alice was stumbling.

  “Slow down!”

  Will slowed, looked back, and decided it was safe to stop.

  “I said slow, not stop.” Alice overtook him, her young legs bounding effortlessly up the hill. Will fought to control his breathing before setting off after her, his legs tiring as they climbed steeper. Alice reached the roadside bank and held out a hand, which Will gratefully took. Clambering over the grassy mound, they easily located the Rover on the moonlit grey tarmac, and dashed towards the metal sanctuary. Will fumbled in his pocket and found the remote, unlocking the doors. The orange flash was a welcome sight, and the interior light even more so as it indicated the car had not been occupied by any ghosts, lions or axe-murderers.

  Together they flung open the doors and fell in, slamming them shut and pressing down the lock buttons. Will turned the key and prayed for the glow plugs to work quickly. The engine fired and he sped off, oblivious to the dark.

  “Lights, Will.”

  “Ooops.”

  “The lights flashed on and he floored the throttle pedal, sliding the gears into second and then third within a few seconds of each other, hitting sixty before changing into fourth. Fifth came at seventy and he eased off, suddenly aware of the sharp left-hand bend. Alice was wishing he'd drive faster. The Rover wallowed like a whale on a skateboard, but the tyres gripped and Will accelerated out of the corner, maintaining sixty-five until they entered the outskirts of Saltymouth. The muted orange landscape was a welcome sight and Will slowed to just above the speed limit, aware of the potential police presence. He'd had an eventful night, and didn't really want to negotiate the 'and where have you been tonight, sir?' line of questioning. Plus, he'd been drinking - although he felt as sober as the soberest judge who ever lived in Soberton.

  Dipping down the long steep hill towards the town, he relaxed and pointed to his left.

  “School.”

  “Oh, I remember.” Alice acknowledged the bearing, and felt safe now she knew she wasn't too far from home - Will's home, which she would gladly call hers from now on. “Well, I've had a lovely night.”

  Will sniggered, then guffawed. Alice followed suite. Hysteria gripped them and they pulled into a lay-by to prevent Will driving into a hedge. It was hidden from the road, quiet, and offered a moonlit view of the river estuary. Alice got out and leant on the barrier, taking in the view and the fresh, invigorating sea air. She sucked in a lungful, held it for three seconds, and exhaled. Sweet.

  Will was inhaling a hastily-rolled and rather wonky cigarette. He sidled up to Alice, careful not to pollute her air.

  “You deserve it.” Alice understood the need for comfort.

  “I needed it.”

  Will sucked in the smoke and salty air, and reflected on his day. It had been the most exciting since Alice arrived, and that was saying something. He felt fulfilled, and that was a rare feeling for him. He stubbed out the cigarette and joined Alice in her cross-armed lean. Together they drunk in the atmosphere, and together they watched the moon slowly edging across the sky, leaving ripples of silver joyfully bobbing up and down across the wide expanse of deep, dark blue water.

  “So, was that a monk, or have you laced my beer?”

  “Looked like a monk to me. He didn't like you. Come to think of it, you scared him. What does that make you?” Alice's sparkling eyes ate into Will's.

  Will grinned, “Please allow me to introduce myself ….”

  “Don't sing, you'll spoil it.”

  “Spoil what?”

  “This.”

  Alice leaned toward Will and smothered his lips with hers. Their tongues danced briefly and their tummies said hello. Will held her tightly, stroking her hair and neck. Alice pushed him gently away.

  “That's enough, you're getting excited.”

  “Too right!”

  Alice smiled.

  “So what was that for?”

  “What?”

  “Kiss. Tongues. Grabbing my ass.”

  “It was all I could think of to stop you singing.” Alice regretted saying it immediately, spotting an evil glint in Will's eyes.

  “... hope you guessed my naaaame.”