Mossbelly MacFearsome and the Dwarves of Doom

by Alex Gardiner

  The column of dwarves was coming up from the valley out of the long grass. The dwarves were marching two abreast. They were singing.

  ‘Is that Queen Gwri?’ Roger pointed at a dwarf in a bright yellow cape who was leading the marchers. She had straw-coloured hair and a neatly trimmed blond beard. ‘Her feet... are... are on back to front.’

  ‘Yes,’ sighed Moss. ‘My goose-footed beauty, to have such looks and back-facing feet. My Queen, I have failed her.’ The dwarf put his head in his hands.

  ‘It’s a sign of great beauty for dwarves,’ said Lady Goodroom, shrugging. ‘Can’t really see it... but each to his own. She is a lovely person, though. I get on very well with her.’

  ‘Who’s that weirdo talking to?’ asked Maddie, pointing at a small group of dwarves gathered around Tobias Undercut at the side of the sloping valley.

  ‘Dwarf wizards,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘The most powerful wizards in the Innerland. They protect the battle march with their spells.’

  ‘The dwarves all seem very happy,’ said Roger. ‘I thought humans were the ones who liked to fight.’

  ‘Dwarves don’t get out much,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘And don’t let Moss kid you – they love fighting, any excuse.’

  As the singing dwarves made their way out of the valley, Queen Gwri broke off from the column, walked over to Leatherhead Barnstorm and stopped in front of him.

  ‘You have the Doomstone Sword,’ said Queen Gwri, looking directly at Leatherhead.

  ‘I must be obeyed,’ agreed Leatherhead.

  Queen Gwri stared hard at him. ‘Yes,’ she said at last. ‘What are your commands?’

  ‘We start the war,’ said Leatherhead. ‘And after the first human blood has been spilled, you shall be my bride.’

  There was a long pause before Queen Gwri replied, her voice breaking a little as she spoke. ‘As the holder of the Doomstone Sword commands. You have won.’ There was another pause. She wiped at her eyes. ‘But... though I know that my attractiveness is great, surely you would not rush me into marriage? Would you not wait for the customary thirty years to pass before we wed?’ She pointed a finger at the large wart on the end of her nose. ‘I realise that this exquisite birthborn and my backward feet are irresistible, but please allow me to mourn. Mossbelly MacFearsome has waited almost thirty years as my betrothed. We were soon to be married.’

  ‘Indeed you are irresistible,’ said Leatherhead. Then he pointed at Moss. ‘But I am not that blorebated bubblebow! I am not waiting thirty years.’ Leatherhead lifted the Doomstone Sword from his shoulder. ‘I have power, and I’m going to use it.’ He muttered and tittered to himself. ‘Starting with Mossbelly. He will be the first to die... horribly.’

  ‘You do have the power,’ said Gwri. ‘All I ask – beg of you – is to stay your hand until after my departure. Spare me the sight of what you are going to do.’

  ‘Your majesty,’ shouted Lady Goodroom. ‘You can’t leave us like this! I have served you well for years.’ She pointed at Maddie and Roger. ‘They are children. Surely—’

  ‘Silence!’ Leatherhead snarled at Lady Goodroom. His little eyes blazed and spittle flew out of his mouth. He turned back to Queen Gwri and pointed at Moss. ‘No! I kill him now. I have waited too long for this. I must kill him. I swore an oath!’ Leatherhead stamped a foot on the grass and then let out a little eeeeek scream. He limped around in a circle, stopped and rubbed his injured thigh.

  ‘Mossbelly MacFearsome was my betrothed,’ said Queen Gwri, watching Leatherhead closely. ‘I cannot see him die. My feelings were strong.’ She held up a hand. ‘If you agree to my request, I could elevate you beyond consort.’

  ‘But I want to—’ Leatherhead stopped rubbing. ‘To what? What is “beyond consort”?’

  ‘King,’ said Queen Gwri.

  ‘King?’ Leatherhead limped towards the Queen. ‘How can you... do that? You can’t do that.’

  ‘I can,’ said Queen Gwri. ‘I can pass a Royal dwarf law in your favour. You would be King. King Leatherhead Barnstorm. And I...’ Queen Gwri hesitated. ‘I would be willing to marry you... sooner.’

  ‘I don’t need you to be willing, for this sword can make you do my bidding,’ thundered Leatherhead. ‘Feel its power!’ He lifted the Doomstone Sword from his shoulder and pointed at Gwri. Blue sparks danced around the blade and the Queen swayed and clutched at her chest. She staggered back, fell to her knees and then toppled forward on to her hands. She was gasping for breath.

  Moss made a sound like he was being strangled, but he couldn’t make a move against Leatherhead.

  Still crouching and gasping, Queen Gwri raised her head. There were tears running down her face.

  ‘See!’ Leatherhead cackled, resting the sword on his shoulder again. ‘You do as I command. I am master!’

  The Queen trembled and sat back in the grass clutching her stomach as if in great pain. She rocked back and forward, then pulled her cloak tight around her body and looked up. ‘But as King your position would be unassailable.’ She groaned again. ‘You would not even need to have the sword in your possession at all times. You could lock it away safely, and still be supreme ruler.’

  Leatherhead raised his foot to stamp it again, but slowly lowered it back down. He thought for a few moments, then shrugged his shoulders. ‘King, and marry me in five years, willingly?’

  Queen Gwri climbed slowly and carefully to her feet. She dabbed at her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘King, and ten years, willingly.’

  ‘King and ten then, we are betrothed!’ roared Leatherhead. He pointed at the prisoners. ‘Gorefiends, after I have taken the Queen away from here, kill all of them. Fulfil my oath on my orders. Oh, and bring me Mossbelly’s head. I’ll cut the top off, scoop it out, and keep my baccy pipe in it.’ He stood in front of Moss and stared at him. ‘I hate you,’ he said, spitting out the words. ‘I’ve dreamed of this moment for a long, long time. You will be dead in the shortest time. But not by my hand.’ He raised the Doomstone Sword in the air. ‘So this will have to suffice until they separate your head from your body.’

  The sword whistled through the air and sliced off a small tuft of hair at the end of Moss’s beard.

  ‘Aaaaanguinnginghumm!’ Moss stood, deep purple with rage, every part of him trembling with suppressed fury.

  Leatherhead threw back his head and roared with laughter. ‘I’ll do some more! This I like!’

  ‘Please,’ said Queen Gwri, tears dripping into her beard. ‘Enough! Please! You have everything you want. Please, no more, I beg you.’ She raised an arm and pointed at Moss. Her voice was shaky as she spoke. ‘My heart, which you owned for so long, now lies broken – in the dirt.’ Her pointing finger swung out and down a little. ‘We are over. Farewell.’

  Moss stood perfectly still, all the anger draining out of him. He gave the Queen the slightest of nods.

  Queen Gwri looked directly at Leatherhead. ‘Please.’

  Leatherhead waved the point of the sword in front of Moss’s face, and then he shrugged. ‘Very well,’ he said, giggling. He looked at the gorefiends surrounding the prisoners. ‘When you bring me his head, cut off his beard, I’ll smoke it in my pipe.’

  ‘Men, eh,’ said Maddie quietly. ‘What are they like? Stupid.’

  ‘Be quiet,’ whispered Lady Goodroom. ‘Don’t speak. Just be ready.’

  ‘For what?’ hissed Roger. He looked anxiously at Lady Goodroom and Maddie. Both seemed remarkably calm.

  Lady Goodroom did not answer. Maddie smiled, winked at Roger, and raised a clenched fist.

  To the side, row after row of dwarfs were forming up; all wore armour and carried weapons: swords, axes, spears, shields and two-headed hammers.

  ‘Now,’ said Leatherhead, still burbling away. ‘There is a great thing to be done.’ He walked to the only upright standing stone and raised the Doomstone Sword above his head. He plunged the sword deep into the rock, then pulled it out and marched over to the other
stones scattered flat on the ground and began cutting into them.

  ‘What’s he doing that for?’ asked Roger.

  Before anyone could answer him, the ground around the upright standing stone split open. Gorse, heather and earth erupted as two giant hands appeared, clawing at the sky. A massive head and body sat up, ripping the earth apart, then the giant – a female – yawned and stretched and began picking at the soil and rock clinging to her face.

  CHAPTER

  Nineteen

  ‘She’s huge,’ gasped Roger, looking up at the massive, hideous face with two large teeth protruding from the bottom jaw.

  ‘Yes,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘You knew the ogres were giants?’

  ‘No,’ whispered Roger, barely able to get the word out.

  ‘Did Moss not tell you?’ asked Lady Goodroom, shielding her eyes as she watched the ogress. ‘She’s big, but I’ve heard that the Salisbury ones are really big.’

  Roger shook his head, unable to speak.

  The giant ogress stood up. ‘Nnn-aaa-ahh,’ rumbled across the heather. ‘Iss it time to rise?’ She yawned again and looked around as chunks of earth and boulders cascaded down from her body. Then the ogress sneezed. A huge blob of liquid shot out of her nose and hit the front row of dwarves, knocking several of them off their feet.

  ‘Oh, it’s fighting, is it?’ The ogress sniffed several times and wiped her face with the back of her hand. ‘Sorry, somefin’ stuck up me nose.’

  The dwarves got to their feet and began to wipe at the secretions dripping from their bodies.

  ‘Come!’ Leatherhead waved the Doomstone Sword in the air. ‘It is time to destroy the faithless race.’

  More giants began to rise from under their fallen stones. The smallest was huge and the biggest gigantic. There were two absolutely enormous ones – the first to waken, and a second even bigger one. The second one looked around and then stamped his foot, causing several rows of dwarves to raise their shields as protection from flying earth and rock.

  ‘Who knocked my stone down? Who knocked all the stones down?’ he demanded in a low rumble.

  ‘Humans,’ yelled Leatherhead. ‘No respect do they have for the old ways, and they have desecrated your places of sleep. We have been forgotten. Poison is poured on the earth and all warnings ignored. They are a stupid, dangerous race. Many ages ago, we made an agreement, we dwarves, you ogres and others. And now the time is here – time to end the human race.’

  Just as Leatherhead stopped speaking something dark shot out of the torn earth and sped into the sky.

  ‘What’s that?’ Roger pointed.

  ‘Watch,’ said Lady Goodroom, as the thing turned and glided back down. It flapped its wings and then soared again.

  ‘It’s... it’s...’ Roger struggled to speak.

  ‘It’s a dragon,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Look – there are more of them! Did the captain not mention dragons?’

  ‘N-no, he didn’t,’ said Roger.

  ‘They’re beautiful,’ gasped Maddie, as she watched the aerial display above. ‘I want one.’

  More dragons appeared. One, a deep turquoise with a greyish stomach, sent a blast of fire streaming to the ground. The gorse and heather burst into flames. Other dragons followed, gliding down and pouring out their fiery breath. Black smoke curled in the air from the scorched earth.

  Lady Goodroom shook her head. ‘Magnificent creatures, aren’t they? They’re warming themselves up. They belong to the ogres, sort of pets.’

  Roger, mesmerised, watched as the dragons soared and dived above him.

  A horn sounded: five long blasts. The dwarf army began to move again.

  Leatherhead Barnstorm walked back to Queen Gwri and stood in front of her. ‘Come, my betrothed,’ he said, holding out his hand. ‘We’ll lead the army together.’

  The Queen bowed slightly. ‘You have the Doomstone Sword and the hammer. Lead as you will, my future King.’

  ‘Betrothed,’ said Leatherhead, chuckling as he took the Queen’s hand. He began to shout orders. More horns sounded, drums began to beat, dwarf banners were unfurled, flapping and cracking in the wind.

  The giant ogres lumbered over to some trees and pulled them out of the ground. They ripped off the branches and then began to thump the tree trunks into the ground to the beat of the drums.

  ‘Please remember,’ said Queen Gwri. ‘Not until they are out of the sight of my eyes. Nor do I want to hear their agonised screams.’

  Leatherhead nodded and began shouting orders at the gorefiends. A group of them quickly scampered over to the four captives and raised their spears.

  With a last hateful, lingering look at Moss, Leatherhead – still holding the Queen’s hand – walked away, with the rest of the gorefiends following.

  The prisoners stood, quietly watching, until the last of the dwarf army had disappeared into the long grass.

  Released from the power of the sword, Moss staggered forward, almost on to the tips of the gorefiend’s spears. ‘Don’t kill me!’ he cried, falling to his knees and crawling about aimlessly. He looked up at the nearest gorefiend. ‘I was only doing what I was told, obeying orders. You can’t end me, I’m too young.’

  ‘Oh, I like this,’ said the gorefiend as Moss continued to crawl, moving in small circles.

  The gorefiends began to snigger and chatter.

  ‘Not so bold now, Captain.’

  ‘You lost courage, Captain?’

  ‘Soon be dead, Captain.’

  Roger looked around nervously and moved closer to Lady Goodroom. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing, the way Moss was behaving.

  Lady Goodroom smiled, her teeth tightly clenched. ‘Get weddy, Wodger,’ she muttered.

  ‘What for?’ Roger whispered.

  ‘Here we go,’ said Maddie, taking up a fighting position.

  ‘Stop!’ The gorefiend in front of Moss held up a claw. ‘This is not correct behaviour. The Queen’s champion would not do this. This is a trick.’

  The gorefiends began muttering to each other.

  ‘Trick.’

  ‘Queen’s champion.’

  ‘Not correct behaviour.’

  The gorefiend waved its claw excitedly. ‘He is looking for something. Something on the ground.’ There was a moment’s silence. ‘A weapon! He’s searching for a weapon.’

  The group of gorefiends quickly formed a tight circle around the kneeling dwarf, every spear pointing at his body.

  ‘You are going to die,’ said the first gorefiend. ‘No chitter-chatter, just die. Ready, brothers?’

  The other gorefiends moved closer and Moss winced as some of the spear tips touched him.

  ‘Kill him – now!’ screeched the gorefiend.

  Just then, Lady Goodroom farted.

  CHAPTER

  Twenty

  It was the loudest fart Roger had ever heard.

  ‘Pardon me,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘I’m a little... flatulent today, from all the excitement.’

  The gorefiends surrounding Moss lowered their spears and looked at Lady Goodroom.

  ‘Do that again,’ said a gorefiend. It walked over and prodded a claw at Lady Goodroom’s stomach. The other gorefiends were twitching their noses, sniffing the air.

  ‘Do it again!’ said the gorefiend.

  ‘I can’t just—’ Lady Goodroom staggered as more gorefiends joined in, pushing at her stomach with their claws. ‘I’m not a machine—’

  ‘Do it!’

  ‘Make noise like trumpet!’

  ‘Will you leave me alone?’ Lady Goodroom slapped at the claws digging into her.

  There was a deep growling sound, like a very angry dwarf trying to clear several small boulders from the back of his throat.

  The gorefiends turned to see what the noise was.

  Captain Mossbelly MacFearsome was making the noise. He was standing upright holding two small axes, and there was a ferocious look on his face.
/>   ‘King Golmar’s Braces!’ yelled Moss. He ran at the nearest gorefiend and, with a swipe, cut it in half.

  ‘Wasn’t expecting that,’ said the gorefiend, as it toppled over.

  Moving at speed, Moss killed two more gorefiends. Lady Goodroom pushed Roger to one side and threw herself forward. She hit the ground, rolled on to her left shoulder and came up holding a small spear.

  Moss roared as he tore into the creatures.

  Maddie twisted her body around and leaped into the air, swinging her foot at the nearest gorefiend. Her kick connected and the gorefiend went tumbling over, its spear flying out of its claws.

  Maddie dropped to the ground in a crouch and then straightened up and turned to Lady Goodroom. ‘Did you see that, Aunt Gwen?’ she shouted. ‘It worked, it really worked!’

  Roger grabbed a gorefiend just as it was about to stick its spear in Maddie’s back. He pulled the gorefiend by the shoulders and shoved it away. Lady Goodroom whipped around and thrust her spear into the gorefiend’s chest. It collapsed in a cloud of smoke.

  Roger lifted a fallen spear as two gorefiends closed in on him. One lunged forward, aiming at his head. He knocked the spear aside and jabbed the gorefiend in the shoulder. He turned to face the other one – and tripped. Both jumped forward, spears raised ready to stab him.

  There was a soft swishing sound. The gorefiends’ heads flew off. Their remains collapsed, yellow smoke rising from their bodies.

  Mossbelly MacFearsome walked into view, sheathing his axes. He held out a hand to Roger. ‘Well fought. You are getting better at battling. A few more and you’ll be challenging myself for Queen’s champion, eh?’

  Roger shook his head as he was helped to his feet. He couldn’t speak.

  ‘You all right?’ Lady Goodroom appeared, red-faced. Roger nodded and looked around. All that remained of the gorefiends was a nasty smell and some yellow marks on the gorse and heather.

  Maddie stood beside her aunt and looked at Roger. ‘Thank you,’ she said, smiling. ‘You saved me. Warrior. Destroyer.’ Then she stuck out her tongue.

  Roger licked his lips. ‘What happened? I thought that we were—’