Notes from the Life of a Total Genius
Page 3
Sent: September 27, 13:07
Von,
Hark said that he was pairing us up, so I’m sure that he has better judgment about who should be writing with whom. So if we get paired up, then we have to work together, OK?
Arthur Bean
From: Von Ipo (thenexteastwood@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: September 27, 13:10
Oh yeah, I asked him already if we could be partners and he said that he thought that was a great idea! He’s awesome, eh? Love that guy!
Von
Assignment: Onomatopoeia Comics
Using some of your favourite onomatopoeic words, create a short comic strip.
It can be about anything you want, but you must use onomatopoeic words as both sounds and dialogue.
Due: October 2
September 28th
Dear RJ,
This has been the most boring weekend ever. I wanted to call someone to hang out, but then there was no one to call. Luke is in Edmonton, plus I don’t know if cousins count as friends. Robbie’s in Lethbridge and he doesn’t really have a lot to say anyway. I called him, but after five minutes, I could tell he was just watching TV, so I told him I had to go. I thought about calling Kennedy, but I didn’t want to push our friendship. I need to wait a bit so that I don’t seem super desperate to hang out. She still acts a bit strange and nervous when I’m around, like she thinks I’m going to ask her on a date. Which, RJ, I’m not going to do. I learned my lesson last year. If she wants to date me, she has to ask me this time. But until then, I can’t ask her to hang out on the weekend. So then I spent an hour scrolling through the contacts in my phone, looking for people to call. I couldn’t find anyone! Oliver and I used to hang out in elementary school, but he’s really into sports and I’m not. So that leaves Von, who I can’t handle, and my dad. Any suggestions, RJ? I don’t think I’m a bad guy. I’m pretty interesting. I’m funny. I can do a really good impression of Mrs. Ireland. So how do I make new friends at school when everyone already knows me AND has their own gang?
I guess I’ll go back to my book.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
OCTOBER
Arthur,
I’m pleased to see your unique choice of words! I hope you had fun discovering onomatopoeic words and integrating many different sounds into your comic.
Ms Whitehead
Ms Whitehead,
It was really easy. I just Googled words and found a billion of them. Maybe even a google of them. You should make the assignments more challenging if you want us to perform at a grade nine level. So far, this year is a breeze!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Dear Hark,
Here’s the dialogue assignment from me and Von. It’s not my best work. I don’t think that we were able to find a rhythm together, like you wanted us to. We also got assigned a really weird setting. I’m not blaming you, but next time maybe I should work alone. Or else, maybe I could work with Ben Crisp. He’s a funny guy; I bet we could come up with some amazing stuff. Anyway, please don’t judge me too harshly!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Dialogue Assignment: Arthur and Von
Setting: Inside a Cookie Factory
Georgina: If I see another cream-filled chocolate chip cookie, I will kill myself.
Jennifer: Haha! I know!
Georgina: It’s not funny. I will throw myself under the cookie press and end it all.
Jennifer: Me too!
Georgina: All these cookies go past, and every day, all I get to do is press a button to add the vanilla cream. Every 10 seconds, I press the same button. 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … cream … 10 … It’s not worth living for.
Jennifer: I do that too!
Georgina: You do what, Jennifer? Repeat everything I say? Follow me around like a lost puppy? Are you in love with me, Jennifer?
Jennifer: Haha! No!
Georgina: Then why do you do these things, Jennifer? Are you trying to become me, Jennifer?!
Jennifer: No!
Georgina: I think you are, Jennifer. In fact, I noticed that you bought the same frosted pink lipstick that I own. And you’ve started wearing your hair the same as me inside your hairnet. That was my signature style, Jennifer. What else have you done?
Jennifer: Nothing!
Georgina: Now that I’m actually looking at you, I think you’ve had a nose job, haven’t you? You’re literally trying to become me!
Jennifer: What are you talking about?
Georgina: Don’t play dumb with me, Jennifer. I’ve seen you sneaking photos of me while I’ve been working. I’ve watched you practising my perfect model walk during our ten-minute lunch hour. And I saw you talking to my husband the other day. I won’t stand for it, Jennifer!
Jennifer: I was asking your husband for directions to the bus stop.
Georgina: Oh, SURE you were! You know, Jennifer, you’ll never be good enough to press the cream button. I know you think you can do it. Sure, it looks like the flour button, or the butter-adding button, but there’s an art to this button. I’ve worked here for 56 years to get to the cream button and there’s no way that I’m giving it up before I die. Especially not to an idiotic moron like yourself!
Jennifer: I don’t think you can use the words idiotic or moron.
Georgina: Can’t I, Jennifer? What else can’t I do? Can I not … pull off your hairnet? (She pulls off Jennifer’s hairnet.)
Jennifer: What are you doing?!
Georgina: Can I not … rip the sleeves off your uniform? (She rips off the sleeves of Jennifer’s uniform.)
Jennifer: Stop it!
Georgina: Can I not … get rid of you forever?!?! (She pushes Jennifer into the cookie press.)
Jennifer: NOOOOO!
Georgina: (turns to the worker next to her) So … what does your button do?
THE END
Dear Arthur,
Your piece made me laugh out loud. It is really one-sided, but I feel like maybe your quirky writing style might be tricky for others to match. It’s great, though. You really went with it and made it work!
Hark
When are you getting here? What are your plans when you’re here?
Do you want to come for supper one night? Pizza? Ham and pineapple?
my bus gets in sat am. eating w my dad sun nite. + were watching football sun.
That’s all you’ve got? Want to hang out Saturday night then? We could go to a movie or just hang out too. Whatever you want to do!
yeah man, well hang out, u sound like a lovesick girl rite now.
Shut up.
dork
Meathead.
dumass
Oh, do you mean Alexandre Dumas? Because he was famous for being a great French writer. So thank you for the compliment.
u r seriouslly the biggest nerd of all time + i dont know why im ur friend
It’s because I’m very clever and handsome and I bring up your cool quotient.
oh ya sure, that must b it
October 6th
Dear RJ,
Man, it’s cool to have Robbie back in town. We hung out all day yesterday. We played video games and we hung out at the elementary school playground for a bit and we got pizza and we saw a movie. It was epic. I forgot how funny Robbie is in real life. He was imitating all his new teachers and the other guys trying out for the football team. I can’t believe that he isn’t in Drama at his school. He should be a stand-up comedian. I’m going to ask my dad if I can visit him for Remembrance Day or something. He said that his mom is really strict though and doesn’t let him or Caleb leave the house except for “mom-sanctioned activities.” He said she calls them “MSAs.” It sounds so stupid. No wonder Robbie tried out for football. I would try and spend as much time away from home too if my mom had done something like that. Still, I like the sounds of a vacation, even if it is in Lethbridge.
Yours tr
uly,
Arthur Bean
How was the rest of your trip home? My weekend was lame after we hung out.
Ya, the bus suckd
Guess what? My dad wants us to do some kind of father-son activity. Like a sport! Me, doing a sport! Ha!
thats got comedy ritten all over it
First he wanted me to join his yoga class. Ha!
lol
So now he’s letting me choose the activity. What would you choose?
video games?
polo?
darts?
t ball?
glee club?
Sometimes you’re really useless.
its a gift
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: October 8, 17:02
Dear Kennedy,
I was thinking of asking you for that favour that you owe me from the fall carnival. Can you write the article about Ms Kraleigh for me? There are a few reasons why.
1) It’ll look great on your leadership award application! I’m pretty sure she’s in charge of picking the person, so then you can really show her how great you are!
2) I think she might hate me. She definitely doesn’t understand my sense of humour. If she brings it up, I wasn’t making fun of her shoes by asking if she was going to her bowling league after work. I really thought she was wearing bowling shoes. It was part of my “getting to know you” interview. She didn’t take it well.
3) I may have said some things that I shouldn’t have when she said that she wanted to make the school a bully-free zone. I just don’t think that you get to declare a bully-free zone and poof! all bullying is done. Anyway, our conversation may have gone off track at that point, and so maybe you could do it.
Would you mind? I really do think you can make a great impression. Just don’t bring up a bully-free zone, or her shoes. She’s a little sensitive about those subjects.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: October 9, 8:10
Hi Arthur,
I’ll do it, but I think we should talk with Mr. E. about whether you’re going to screw everything up for the paper. I’m really counting on this award!! And why would you EVER insult a girl’s shoes? That’s SO not cool!
Kennedy
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: October 9, 16:27
Dear Kennedy,
Thanks so much! I promise that I’m not trying to cause any trouble. I think I was just so nervous that I spoke without thinking. But don’t worry. Ms Kraleigh will never have to deal with me again!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
October 10th
Dear RJ,
Dad and I are going to start fencing lessons next week. He wanted me to choose something we could do together (I think he’s been reading the parenting books my aunt gave him). I figured that fencing would be the easiest and the coolest. It’s not really a sport, but we get to learn how to stab people. I watched some videos of fencers, and it looks pretty cool. Plus, now he’ll have to buy me a sword, which will just be handy to have around. You never know when you’re going to need to be an expert swashbuckler. Maybe pirates will overtake our apartment building. Or maybe the third musketeer will die and I’ll be called up to defend France. Ha!
Thanksgiving is this weekend, so we’re spending the weekend in Balzac at my grandparents’ house. I don’t think Dad wants to go, but thankfully, there will be turkey. Grandma wouldn’t hear of having vegetarian Thanksgiving. I think she thinks tofu is poisonous, which is awesome. I hope his vegetarian kick ends soon. At least he buys me deli meat for making my lunch. Otherwise, I would maybe die.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Assignment: Literary Devices Summary Story
To improve your writing skills, we are moving forward from individual literary devices to the final assignment in the unit. If you have any questions about material we’ve covered, please come and see me.
Write a short story of at least one page, incorporating at least three of the literary devices we studied. Challenge yourself to use as many of the following literary devices as you can:
Personification
Onomatopoeia
Similes and Metaphors
Hyperbole
Irony
Please underline any literary devices used in your story.
Due: October 30
The Leg Breakers are having a play festival! We’re going to write and direct our own shows. Isn’t that awesome?
I’m going to start working on my play this week. Can you design the set for me?
I’ll give you credit in the program for being the set designer. We could build it at spring break.
My dad can probably help. He belongs to a tool library, so you get to borrow whatever drill or saw you need for the weekend. Maybe your dad will let us use his work garage as a carpentry shop. Can you ask him for me?
i made the football team, thanx for asking
Right! Sorry, I just assumed you did. I figured there was no way you wouldn’t.
We can celebrate by building sets at Easter! I can throw some football stuff into the play if you want. 64! 28! Hut!
HA HA HA!
JOGO (Just One Guy’s Opinion): School ID Requirements
By Arthur Bean
Ms Kraleigh has made her first mark as principal of Terry Fox Jr. High with a highly controversial decision. As of next Monday, all students must have their student ID visible at all times. The decree came out on Tuesday, when all students were handed their student ID on a bright blue Terry Fox Jr. High lanyard. Any student not wearing their ID will be sent home to retrieve it. And good luck if you’re one of those kids who loses everything all the time: lost IDs will cost you $10 each time you need a new one.
I see this new school law as problematic for a number of reasons, but I’m going to focus on two. One: Safety. Ms Kraleigh insists that the IDs are to be worn for our protection, ensuring that everyone in the school belongs in the school. She insists that teachers will also be wearing their IDs. But is it really a great idea to have our names and photos printed on things we can lose so easily? In a world riddled with identity theft, what if someone steals not only my ID but also my identity? There’s a lot of information encrypted in those cards; a smart identity thief could probably find out all kinds of personal information if they got their hands on one. Teachers are always talking about how important it is that we keep our identities safe online. Shouldn’t the same logic apply to offline?
Two: Fashion. Royal blue may be one of the school colours, but it’s not the easiest colour to match. I feel certain that there is a large contingent of the student body who will have to re-think their entire wardrobe. And we know what that means: it means that the office staff will be overworked handing out late passes to every girl who couldn’t find the right shoes to go with her lanyard. Poor Mrs. Hui. She’s going to have carpal tunnel before winter break! And not just that, but Lucie D’Allard got her braces off one week AFTER picture day. She’s stuck with the constant reminder of her dental shortcomings for the whole year. If you ask me, that’s just not right. But hey, that’s …
Just One Guy’s Opinion.
Hey, Artie,
This is an interesting start to your editorials. Coming out with a bang, hey?
I think it is important that the newspaper share the student opinion, but we do want to remain objective as well. Come by my class at lunch tomorrow and we’ll edit your piece to ensure it’s respectful to everyone. We’ll make sure that it looks good, and then we can publish your article and Kennedy’s pro-ID-wearing article side-by-side. We’ll make sure that our readers get to read from both sides of the coin!
Cheers!
Mr. E.
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br /> From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)
Sent: October 18, 18:43
Dear Robbie,
What are you up to this weekend? I’m not doing much of anything. Other than starting work on my play, of course. I was thinking of writing a five-act play like all of Shakespeare’s stuff, but Hark said that he wanted it to be a one-act play festival. I suggested to him that my play could be the final night of the festival, and cap it all off with this epic tragedy. He said that I could write a long show, but that I should challenge myself to write a shorter, tighter piece, but keeping the tension of a long piece. He’s totally right, of course. Not only that, but the plays have to be written before Christmas break so that we can cast them and rehearse in the winter. You should transfer back to Calgary for the second semester! You could be in my play! I’ve been thinking about ways to get football into my show, but I don’t know if it’s going to happen.
How’s football? Are you the quarterback yet?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: October 19, 15:04
Hey dude-
mom is super strict re: w-end screentime (sux so hard), so this is gonna be short. caleb is losing his mind w her. its almost funny. lethbridge = deathbridge = true story. Plus, mom signed up both me and caleb for tutoring. there goes any fun. football is good. i’m not QB, just defence mostly. the guys on the team are pretty cool. theyve all been going to school 2gether 4 so long tho that i dont get most of the in-jokes.