Notes from the Life of a Total Genius

by Stacey Matson

  Ben and Millie are going together, but they’re still going to meet us here, so there’ll be like eight of us. My mom can drive us, and Latha said that her dad might be able to drive the rest of us if we don’t all fit in the car. I wanted to rent a limo, but my dad said no. Which is so weird, because he basically lets me do whatever I want all the time.

  Anyway, we’re meeting at 5:00. Hope you can come!

  Von

  June 17th

  Dear RJ,

  Millie is going to grad with Ben? When did that happen? Are they together? She never said anything like that at fencing. I thought she liked Vincent. And what about Joie? Millie had said that she was taking Joie as her date to our grad. Does that mean that Joie’s going alone? I know she’s still coming; yesterday she was talking about the dress she was going to wear. I wonder if she’s coming to Von’s house as well. Maybe I should call and ask her if she wants a ride. Will she think that I like her? I’ve never hung out with just Joie. What if it’s weird to not have Millie there? It’s just a ride to a dumb dance. I should just call her, right, RJ? I’m being dumb. This is so stupid. We’re just friends, and I’m just offering her a ride to Von’s house because her place is on the way. I’m just being environmentally conscious. Right?

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  June 17th

  Dear RJ,

  OK, I’m back. So I called Joie and asked her if she needed a ride to Von’s house and she said yes. And then we talked for an hour on the phone, just about all kinds of other stuff. We talked about Millie and Ben, and they ARE together, and have been for two weeks, and they are already planning to go with Ben’s parents to their family cabin for a week in July, so Joie said it sounds pretty serious. We talked about fencing, and we talked about how funny Bill Murray is (she’s a huge fan) and she said that I should watch some Wes Anderson movies because they are really funny, and that they remind her of me. So now I have to know what these movies are like. She’s really funny, RJ. I think she might be funnier than Millie. Together they are pretty hilarious, but she’s actually funny by herself too.

  Anyway, I’m going to pick her up to go to Von’s together. Well, not together together, but just together.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  JOGO: It’s Time to Retire the Fox

  By Arthur Bean

  The band is playing, the crowd is pumped: the senior boys basketball final is about to start, and it looks like we’re going to win this year — after all, we’re playing Diefenbaker, and their star player has a groin injury. The energy is high, and then … in comes Terry.

  Terry’s looking worse for wear. The fox costume that has been recycled for over fifteen years is ready for retirement. It’s been here longer than Mr. Kim, and I’m pretty sure he was teaching here before the Mounties created Fort Calgary. Terry the Fox is matted everywhere. His red coat of fur has turned puke brown-orange with age, and the papier mâché structure is showing under the armpits. He’s been painted red to try and mask the damage done to Terry over the years, but I think it looks worse than seeing the bare spots. Not only that, but Terry the Fox stinks. Fifteen years of teenage boys running up and down the bleachers while inside the massive costume have taken their toll on all our olfactory senses. You can literally smell the fox before he even enters the gym. How is that supposed to inspire our athletes? The only thing I can think of is that they want to win quicker to get away from the steaming furry mess jumping on the sidelines of the big game.

  So let’s get rid of the pest, and while we’re at it, why not update the mascot? Sure, it’s easy to be the Terry Foxes, but couldn’t we use a little imagination and be something more creative? I’m just thinking out loud here, but some of my suggestions are: the Gophers (they are consistently digging up our fields), the Leg Breakers (so dramatic, and so powerful!) or perhaps, and I’m just brainstorming here, the Beans? Or the Arthurs? I know there’s a sassy little aardvark on TV who shares my name and would probably love to be a mascot for a junior high!

  So, even though I and my grade nine class wouldn’t get the thrill of seeing a new little Arthur cheering everyone on, it would warm my heart to think of him.

  It’s time to change the mascot. But hey, that’s …

  Just One Guy’s Opinion.

  Hey, Artie!

  Nice work on your final article. It’s not what I was expecting, but I chuckled at the idea of you being our mascot. That’s never BEAN done before!

  Thanks again for all your hard work on the newspaper these past three years. I’ve been constantly amazed by your ability to spin stories in a unique direction. It’s like you work in a fabric store, you have so much material!

  Good luck next year, Artie. I wish you every success!

  Cheers!

  Mr. E.

  did u talk to camp? did u get a job?

  Um, no. I didn’t.

  didnt talk 2 them or didnt get a job?

  Neither. My dad wants to go to Yukon this summer, so I can’t work.

  what? when did this happen?

  He mentioned it a couple of weeks ago. I asked if you could come too! But he said no.

  dude this is a total bummer

  were not going 2 see each other at all

  it wont be the same w/out u

  I know. I’m really sorry.

  I’m not gone all summer though. We can hang out. Maybe they’ll let me stay out there a couple of nights. I could help you.

  hopfully. that would be cool

  But you’re moving back to Calgary for high school, right?

  dont think so. hayleys here and the high school has a good football team i want to get on

  Oh. It won’t be the same without you.

  dont cry 2 much. calgary floods pretty easy

  have fun at ur grad. ours sucked and was over by 9

  Kennedy’s in charge of ours, so I bet it’s pretty fun.

  June 21st

  Dear RJ,

  So. The Grad Dance. I don’t know where to start; I guess at the beginning. First, I wore high-tops with my suit, like Ben said that he was going to, and it looked so cool. Both of us had shades too, so we looked like a pair of rock stars when we got there. I could tell that Millie and Joie were impressed. And picking up Joie went all right. Her mom wanted to get a picture of us together, which was weird, because it wasn’t like we were going to grad together together. But Joie looked really hot. She even had high heels on. I did not picture her as someone who would wear high heels. She said that she got her dress at a vintage store, so it wasn’t even new. It was actually really old, from the 50s! When we got to the dance, Mrs. Ireland made a comment that she had a dress like it for her prom. Can you imagine?! It’s hard to even imagine that she wasn’t born seventy years old.

  When we got to Von’s, we were the first ones there, but as soon as Millie and Ben got there, Joie stuck to Millie’s side and kind of ignored me. Well, not really. She kept looking at me. Or at least, whenever I looked at her, I think she was already looking at me. Which was weird, but then she would roll her eyes at whatever Von was bragging about, which was funny.

  The dance itself wasn’t as fun as the stuff beforehand at Von’s house. Kennedy and her friends were greeting people at the door, and she looked at me kind of funny when we all came in. The theme was One Night in Paris, and they had decorated the gym with fairy lights and a giant wooden Eiffel Tower. We all had to walk in under the Eiffel Tower so that the photographer could take everyone’s picture. The Leg Breaker crew all walked in together, so we took one big group photo. Well, Millie and Ben went back and took one of just the two of them. All the food was French themed, so there was mini-quiches and baguettes and chocolate croissants and cucumbers (I don’t know how those are French). Joie joked that everything sounds cooler when you add the word “French” in front of it. French vanilla, French mint, French maid, French fries … ha! The idea still makes me laugh.

  We danced as a group most of the night, which was fun.
Ben’s a really good dancer. He said that he was in ballet and tap as a kid, which was funny, because I would never admit that! But he seemed totally cool about it. I don’t know how he can be so cool all the time.

  At one point, I saw Kennedy and she was standing all by herself, so I went over to say hi and tell her that the grad committee did a good job, but as soon as I got over to her, I just said, “I hope you get good photos for the newspaper,” and then I went back to my friends. I realized that I didn’t really have much to say to her. I kind of wonder what I ever saw in her in the first place.

  So, overall, the night was all right, but I don’t think it was really worth all the fuss. My original play would have brought as much joy to people as the wooden Eiffel Tower did. I give it a 7 out of 10.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  so … did u kiss her???

  Kiss who?

  joey

  Joie? No. We’re not together.

  reeeeeaallllyyy …

  I don’t think she likes me like that. We’re just friends.

  mmmhmmmmm

  Do you think she likes me?

  no no. im sure she went with u to ur grad cuz she felt sorry for u

  Seriously? You think she likes me?

  u should go out w her. its way nicer to date some1 who actually likes u

  June 24th

  Dear RJ,

  We did the first two plays today at lunch. They went pretty good! Hark said that he thought they were amazing and that we had done a fantastic job of making them look really professional. Von forgot his lines at one part, so he started improvising lines, which made Latha start giggling. I was stage managing, and I was so glad I wasn’t onstage with them. It looked really dumb. But once they got through that part, it was pretty good. There weren’t a ton of people there, but Kraleigh came (I think she was there more to check on us and make sure that we were “appropriate”), and Ms Whitehead and Mr. Everett were there too. They both promised that they would come to see my play tomorrow. I hope we’re ready. I will literally kill Von if he forgets his lines and makes stuff up during my play.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Assignment: How to Survive Junior High

  By Arthur Bean

  There are few things in life as complicated as junior high. I don’t know who thought that junior high was a good idea; at any moment any one of 300 students could burst into any number of things — song, flames, tears, fisticuffs, you name it. The only manual that even comes close to being helpful is The Hunger Games. Having lived through thirty months of junior high, I want to take this opportunity to arm you with a few tools that could help you get through.

  1. First off, grow several centimetres. The earlier you do this, the better your chances of succeeding. The tallest students are always the coolest. Teachers place them in the back rows, they get picked to be on sports teams and they are generally considered hotter.

  2. Next, don’t talk. This is especially true in class when the teacher asks for a volunteer. The only person who likes the volunteer is the teacher. Trust me on this one. The quieter you are, the better the chance that girls will think you’re brooding, and they’ll probably think you’re brooding over them. If they ask if this is true, remember the rule: don’t talk. If you actually talk and tell them how you feel, they’ll probably ignore you for the rest of junior high.

  3. The next thing is that you should be nice to your teachers. Don’t do this out in the open, but it’s really important. The nicer you are to them, the better your marks will be. But don’t, I repeat, don’t bring them gifts. You have to be secretly nice to them. You could be that student that they remember forever, and even on their deathbed, they think over their life and say softly, “I wonder if Arthur is still writing …” You can give their life true meaning. Plus, another reason you should be nice is because you never know when they might have terrible lives outside of school. Their dog might have diabetes, or maybe they got dumped, or maybe they invested their money badly and now they’re teaching to stay out of a homeless shelter. You would have a bad day too if you were teaching to stay out of a homeless shelter. It’s our job as students to make sure that teachers have an OK time at work. We need to give back a little.

  4. Lastly, I encourage you to break some rules. Not all the rules, and definitely not the big ones, but if you always follow all the rules, you’ll have a really boring life. Plus, you’ll have no friends, or your friends will be really boring. It’s also a good idea to not get caught breaking the rules, but if you can kind of slip into conversations sometimes that you did break a rule here and there, that will make you cooler.

  I could go on, and share other things that I’ve learned, but one thing that I’ve learned is to not share everything all the time. That makes you more mysterious, and cooler. I think you need to follow all these rules if you want to make the most of junior high, but if you’re anything like me, this should be treated as law.

  Arthur,

  This may be how you feel about junior high, but this is not the best advice to be passing along to younger students.

  I was hoping that you would reveal a reflective side that you haven’t demonstrated in your other assignments here, but I’m glad to see that you’ll be leaving Terry Fox Jr. High with your sense of humour firmly intact.

  Ms Whitehead

  Dear Ms Whitehead,

  I don’t know what you mean by my “reflective side.” Do you mean like a mirror? Because every day I look into a mirror, and all I see is a funny guy, trying to share his genius ideas with the world. Don’t forget the name Arthur Bean, Ms Whitehead. I’m going to make it big one day, and it might be partly due to you. Maybe I’ll thank you in a speech or name a character after you or something when I’m famous. Teachers like that kind of thing, right?

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  June 25th

  Dear RJ,

  My play was AWESOME!!! People came to see it (WAY more people than came to yesterday’s plays). They laughed at all the right places, and the lightsaber fight was amazing. We added a blackout, so it was just the light from the lightsabers and people talking, and it looked awesome. It was so tense! Millie and I did such a good job at it. Ben was hilarious, and Von remembered all his lines, and I looked out in the audience and even Kraleigh was smiling at my jokes. It was such a rush. I’ve never felt so good before. I really wish my mom could have been there. I know that there were no parents there anyway, but it would have been cool to see her see me onstage. Kennedy came too, which surprised me, since I thought she would never come. She even complimented me on the show afterwards. Well, not really me, but I heard her talking to Latha and Millie and telling them that it was really funny. I’m pretty sure she was telling them loudly enough that I would overhear her.

  Anyway, RJ, I’m hooked. From now on, I want to write and star in plays. Hark even pulled me aside and said that my play was some of the best student work he had ever seen and that I should consider putting it in for the fringe festival next year. I didn’t know what the fringe festival is, but Hark said that it’s a city-wide play festival where you can do anything you want. It sounds awesome. You can even win awards there, and make money, so then if I do that, maybe I won’t need to ever get a summer job; I could just do my plays in the summers and make money that way. Hark said that I should come back and visit him at school next year and let him know what I’m up to. I’m sure that I will. After all, who knows what kind of teachers I could have in high school.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  LAST DAY!!!

  Really? We have school tomorrow as well.

  ur a sucker. were done today!

  Are you coming to Calgary on your way to camp?

  ya, just 4 the w-end

  Cool, I’ll see you Saturday then! We don’t leave until July 5th or something.

  have fun @ school tomorrow. hayley

  and i r going to the lake w/ a bunch of friends<
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  Tomorrow’s just our grad assembly. It should be pretty good. I just have to think of something clever to write in people’s yearbooks …

  what about have a good summer …

  from your fave human BEAN

  I swear, you want me to get beat up.

  HAHAHAHA

  June 27th

  Dear RJ,

  School’s out! It turns out the grad assembly was really boring, and kind of anti-climactic. We walked across the stage and shook hands with Kraleigh (I almost did a fake-out, but I chickened out at the last minute), then there was a long speech about following your dreams, and they handed out a bunch of awards. I didn’t win any, but neither did Von, and he had been talking about how he was going to, so that was awesome. Kennedy won the leadership award she was so intent on winning. She got a fancy watch, which is weird because I don’t know anyone other than my dad who still wears a watch. Isn’t that what phones are for?

  There were lots of parents there as well. I felt bad for them for having to sit through the assembly. Dad came, and took some photos, but I don’t know why; we didn’t have grad gowns or anything. Everyone just dressed a little bit nicer. Von wore a full suit, which was hilarious because he was the only one. He didn’t seem to mind though. I would have hated to be the only one dressed super formally. I went out for pizza and bowling afterwards with the other Leg Breakers (we’ve decided to keep the name since it’s so good). Even though Joie doesn’t go to our school, she came. And she sat beside me at the restaurant. It kind of made me nervous. I don’t know why that made me feel so nervous, it’s not like we’re dating.