Bound by Secrets

by Angela M Hudson

  Ara

  I studied my face in the mirror for a long time before I felt ready. Elora would be married today, my daughter, my twenty-three-year-old daughter, and yet I couldn’t feel what I expected to be feeling. It didn’t look in real life the way it did on TV. I didn’t feel what it seemed like the mother of the bride should be feeling.

  I guess, in a lot of ways, I felt like an outsider—standing back and observing from a safe distance. Maybe it was stress, or nostalgia, or just the fact that I barely knew my own daughter, but there was this numbness to me today that I couldn’t shake.

  My hands drifted down to my belly, to the new and very faint feel of life within. I still couldn’t say what had come over me the other day, but nothing about it felt silly yet. There was no regret—on my part. No uncertainty. My only wish was that David felt the same, because he’d been hiding from me since then, avoiding me, and it was building a rift between us. It was almost like he felt ashamed.

  Who knows? Maybe I should have stashed the stuffed emoji poop in my closet before letting him take my pants off. He probably felt like it was statutory rape, and could I blame him? Not really. My room was definitely too juvenile, even for me now. He still saw the young teenage girl that sat on the floor crying as he told her she had a son, but I felt more like the woman he knew before she died.

  He didn’t know it, but I could certainly stand back and see the insanity in us having another child. I wasn’t blindly traveling this road at all. Not even a bit. I had to wonder if he would think that of me if I were the old Ara, or if he would just trust me when I say this feels right. That I want this. And none of this confusion was helping the foggy zombie-head state I was in today.

  “You ready, kitten?” Brett said, popping his head into my room.

  I nodded, trying to reconcile with my emotions. “Hey, Brett?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I…” I was about to tell him what happened in here—tell him about the life that was now beginning inside of me—but I just couldn’t. I needed to, but the words stuck down my throat.

  “Today’s an emotional day,” he said, his eyes sharp on the corners in that smile I always loved. “The best thing to do is just keep walking and try not to think too much.”

  I offered a weak smile.

  “Come on.” He put his arm out for me to walk into. “Let’s go get our little Lora ready for her big day.”

  “Do you think this outfit is okay for the mother of the bride?” I asked, pinching the edges of my yellow dress. It was a simple summer wedding with elaborate trimmings, but based on what the other guests were wearing, anything more than this dress would be overdressing. My heeled sandals with a lovely yellow diamond rose on them dressed it up a bit, but I still wasn’t sure if maybe I should’ve worn an ugly ‘mother of the bride’ dress of some sort, with a giant flower on the shoulder and an ugly hat.

  “Ara.” His cheeks flushed pink as his eyes travelled my outfit. “You look lovely. Simple and lovely.”

  “Is it what I would’ve worn, you know, in the past?”

  He laughed, his sharp fangs reminding me that he was more than just my stand-in father; he was a powerful vampire and a man all the same. I never really thought of him that way, though.

  “In the very distant past, you might have worn that—”

  “Oh no. So it’s too juvenile?”

  “No.” He bent slightly to take my hand and then kissed it softly. “I know you’re trying to be more of your old self for everyone else’s sake, kitten, but don’t. We love you how you are, and this”—he made a point of my outfit, forcing me to give a little spin, which made me feel happier and lighter—“this is adorable. Don’t change.”

  My heart just felt so warm and free of worry then that I darted right into his arms and hugged him tight. But he didn’t really hug me back. He just patted my shoulders and drew away.

  “We better go.”

  As I followed him from the room, I couldn’t help but sense there was something bothering him today too. “What is it?” I asked.

  “What is what?”

  “There’s something on your mind.”

  He stopped on the stairs, lowering his head for a second. “It’s nothing.”

  “Liar.” I pinched his elbow softly, waiting for him to look at me, but he didn’t.

  “Sometimes… some days are harder than others.”

  “Harder?” I scrunched my nose up. “In what way?”

  He smiled, eyes tracing my face, and then shook his head, brushing it all off with nothing more than a soft touch to my chin. “It’ll pass. It always does.”

  “What does?” I called after him, but he kept walking, saying nothing more.

  * * *

  With everyone in the house bustling around like headless chooks, it surprised me when David and I got a quiet moment alone in the kitchen. He leaned on the counter by the sink and I leaned against the fridge. I hadn’t spent much time in here. I always seemed to stop just at the dining room entrance, but it was a nice, warm space, with wooden countertops and white cupboard doors, all the appliances state-of-the-art for my chef friend to indulge his passion, the entire kitchen overlooking a small family room where Harry’s toys were. It was darker in this room than in other parts of the house, and on this special day, no one really had cause to be in here.

  With all this privacy, I felt for a moment like I should say what needed to be said. I didn’t want to spend the day tense around David.

  He smiled at me just before he sipped his coffee, making me forget what I wanted to get off my chest. He always looked sexy when he did that—leaned on the counter, his legs crossed out at an angle, his long fingers wrapped around the hull of a hot mug. I liked him like this. Simple David. Sweet, human David. I didn’t want to argue with him, and I knew if I accused him of seeing me as a child still, an argument would follow.

  “I love you,” I said instead, catching him off-guard.

  He stood from his lean, clearing his throat as he put his cup on the counter behind him. “That was unexpected,” he said. “What made you say that now—out of the blue?”

  “It needed to be said, I guess.” I shrugged timidly.

  “You sense it too, don’t you?” He walked over to me, standing an inch away as if he wasn’t sure he should come closer. “The rift.”

  I nodded, holding on to my stomach.

  “It’s not what you think it is—this rift.” He took my hand down away from the baby. “And you need to stop touching it, or everyone will know.”

  “Does it matter?” I rolled my face upward to look at him. “We’re telling Elora today anyway, right?”

  He smiled, the crescent-shaped dimple making me fall in love with him a little bit more. “I’m worried what they’ll say if we tell them we’re having a baby.”

  “What will they say?”

  “They might say it was… you’re still a child in so many ways, Ara. It feels wrong.”

  I huffed, shaking my head as I moved away. “Then the rift is exactly what I think it is,” I said. “You don’t want this baby with me because—”

  “That’s not true for a second.” He rushed in and cupped my shoulders, his eyes so wide I could see the truth like a beacon of light in them. “I want this baby. I can’t think of anything I’d want more, but the timing is off—”

  “And yet there’s nothing we can do about it, so you’re just gonna distance yourself from me because you blame me—”

  “I don’t blame you, Ara.” He wrapped his arm around my face and squeezed me into his chest, kissing my head. “Not even a little bit.”

  “I can feel the energy change when you lie to me.”

  He sighed, bringing his forehead down to mine. “Okay, I’m… yes. I hate that we created life under those circumstances—that it wasn’t what we both wanted at the time, but you didn’t do that deliberately, Ara. You wouldn’t do that. So I am annoyed that it happened, but more at myself, because I knew it—at the time. I should have been s
tronger.”

  “Hey, Ar!” Mike said, sweeping into the room.

  David and I jumped apart, acting like nothing was going on. But Mike caught on anyway.

  “Lors is looking for ya,” he said, giving David a ‘look’ that I knew was a warning. “Time to put the finishing touches on the outfit.”

  “Okay,” I said, trying to catch David’s gaze as I left, but he wouldn’t look at me. I waited by the dining room door until they thought I was gone, listening. I wanted to know if Mike warned David not to make our relationship obvious, or if he was warning him not to upset me today.

  “Just spit it out,” David said to him.

  “What did you say to her?”

  “It’s none of your business.”

  “See, that’s where you’re wrong. That girl is my business as much as she is yours—”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, brother,” David said in that cold, Council Leader voice. “What happens between her and me stays between her and me—”

  “Not if she’s upset. It’s my sworn duty to protect her—”

  “It’s your curse!”

  “Boys!” Emily said, entering the conversation. “Elora will hear you. No fighting on her wedding day. Now hug and make up.”

  There was a pause, no sound made.

  “I mean it,” she demanded, and I imagined her arms folding defiantly. “No one leaves this room until you hug it out.”

  “Ah, Ara, there you are,” Vicki said, hopping down off the steps. She took my hand and tugged me away. “I’ve been calling you.”

  * * *

  Elora sat on the chair facing the mirror, her ringlets shining gold in the sun as I pinned the veil to her hair. She looked so perfectly lovely today, but it was the clear and radiant joy in her heart that shone out the most, completing her. I had to steel myself when I saw my own face in the mirror, looking away quickly as our eyes met there. As much as my heart hurt today for the past I could no longer see, it hurt more for the desire to feel like Elora did—to be so in love that nothing in the world mattered. To smile like nothing in the world mattered. But I was weighed down by problems—problems that were making the bright sun look clouded through my own two eyes—and I couldn’t talk to Elora about them. Not yet. I wanted to tell her David and I were back together, that we were having a baby, but she would see the sadness that also came with that, so I kept playing along like I still hadn’t fallen for him.

  “There,” I said, stepping back to reveal my little princess. “Perfect fit.”

  Her movements were as light and graceful as a ballerina, as she stood to admire her reflection. She looked the part perfectly, her dress not too formal yet still traditional: a strapless white bustle with a soft skirt, finished off with the bangle I apparently wore on my wedding day—her something borrowed—and a small blue pin I found in my old things last night. I thought it was cute—a blue bird—and, for some reason, it reminded me of something, or someone. I just wasn’t sure who.

  A hand came into my periphery then, startling me as it touched my hair. “Are you okay, Amara?”

  I nodded, looking from Vicki to Elora. I could see the worry in my daughter’s eyes. I knew she was on to me, and if I didn’t give her a reason for my sadness today, she would hunt for one. “I wish I could remember my own wedding day,” I lied, but it was only half a lie. I did wish that, but it wasn’t the reason for my sadness.

  “Well.” Vicki placed a small square box on the table beside Elora. “Aside from the fact that you were kidnapped that day and your entire life changed from there, it was perfect. But you didn’t wear this.” She picked the box up and lifted the lid slightly but didn’t open it. “I gave it to you when you were going to marry Mike, and it didn’t feel right to give it to you for your second wedding.”

  As she placed it in my hands, I could feel the weight of something inside.

  “Which is lucky,” she added, “that you didn’t wear it, because if you had…”

  “It would’ve been destroyed along with my wedding dress,” I said, keeping the emotion out of my voice. Thinking about my wedding to Mike, I sometimes had to admit that parts of me wished I had gone through with it. Things were less complicated with him, and living under his roof lately opened a kind of window for me to see into the life we might’ve had. I felt sad a lot with David, but Emily never seemed to be sad. Would my life have been happier if I’d married Mike?

  “What you won’t remember,” Vicki continued, “is that this is a family heirloom—passed down from mother to daughter on her wedding day.” She smiled when I looked at her. “I kept it safe all this time. And now it’s time for you to pass it on to your daughter.”

  Great. I had to pass on an heirloom, and I had no idea what it was—nor did I have any real connection to it. I mean, what if it was something ugly that I had deliberately left behind? Elora would never forgive me if this ruined her outfit. Then again, it was tradition, and Lora cared more about family than appearances, so I opened the lid a little and peeked inside, all my worries slipping away when I saw the smooth blue edges of a glass flower. “Something blue,” I said softly.

  “She can have two something blues.” Vicki took the flower out of its box and handed it to me. It had a pin on the back, so I figured she wanted me to pin it to Elora. But where? My eyes ran down the length of her dress, searching for the perfect spot. The chest would be the logical place, right? That’s where pins were normally worn. But it would be too heavy and it’d weigh the dress down, make it sag. Maybe the back of the dress, like a ribbon being tied at the back? But if she sat down, she might crush it. My eyes moved to her hip then, to a small thread hanging slightly loose, marking the perfect spot. I could cover that thread with the flower, and no one would notice it.

  Elora lifted her hands as I bent to pin it in place, being careful not to stab her, and as I stood back to admire it, a loud sob escaped Vicki.

  “What’s wrong, Gran?” Elora said.

  “That’s where we pinned it,” she said, looking at me. “On your wedding day. We pinned it to your hip.”

  “Maybe I do remember some things then,” I offered, “even if I don’t actually remember them.”

  Vicki just touched my arm and then walked away, holding back tears.

  “She gets emotional,” Elora noted, turning to look in the mirror.

  “No kidding.” I laughed, but as I watched Vicki pass the room where David was getting ready, my heart sunk. I loved him so dearly, and yet I felt nothing but pain right now. I just wanted to resolve this rift between us so we could both move on with our new life together and enjoy what would soon be our baby. Its life was so new, it was nothing but a flicker right now, a sensation, but it gave me butterflies, and hope. And yet I couldn’t smile. One child was growing inside of me, while my eldest was preparing to marry the love of her life.

  “I can’t offer you any advice,” I said, realizing there was nothing I could tell her to guide her through this. I knew nothing of marriage. Nothing of love, except that it hurt like hell and made you stay with people you really should walk away from.

  I wanted better for her, and I couldn’t tell her that because to admit that was to allow myself to realize that maybe having a baby with David was a mistake. Maybe we weren’t in love enough yet to work through any mess. And now I’d made such a huge one that I wanted to cry.

  Elora turned to look at me. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m your mother. I… I should be telling you today what it means to be married—what it takes. But…”

  “Mom.” Her hand appeared on my shoulder, pulling me in for a gentle hug. “You’re here. That is all that matters to me.”

  She was right. She had her mother here today, even if her mother was still only half a person. It was better than nothing. I nodded, drawing back.

  “And besides,” she added, “you already did give me advice.”

  “I did?” Was I forgetting things again?

  “Yes.” Elora looked out into the ha
ll as a shadow passed the doorway. “Your love for him, and all the stories I’ve been told about your life together—how you came back to each other against all odds.”

  Elora stopped talking as David passed the room, and I got the sense that she was holding back a little, as if she didn’t want to say certain things if he might hear.

  “You are my inspiration, Mom. And this eternal love you and Dad have is what makes me certain, when I worry if it’s possible to love just one person forever, that it is. I know Ric and I will be okay as long as we vow never to break up. And when I wrote my vows, you and Dad were in the front of my thoughts—my example to follow—so don’t feel like you’ve got nothing to offer, because your love for him is the foundation for my belief that happiness is a possibility.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. How had I raised, how had David and I raised such a smart, open-hearted girl? “Wow, Lors. You make me want to get married all over again.”

  She laughed. “Don’t say that too loud. Dad will be in here on his knees with a diamond ring before you even finish the sentence.”

  “Nah.” I waved my hand, perking up a bit. David was lingering out there, I could feel him, and I knew he was listening in as much as he could with his human ears, so I decided to mess with them both a bit. “He has weak human ears. He wouldn’t hear me if I said I was ready to lose my virginity to him.”

  Elora snorted out a bold laugh, wiping her nose on her wrist after. “Too much info, Mom.”

  “Sorry,” I said bashfully. “I forget sometimes that you’re my daughter, not my friend.”

  “So…” She turned to the mirror again. “Seriously though, were you joking, or are you ready?”

  So much for too much info. “I’m ready,” I said decisively, giving her a breadcrumb of her wedding present, and the elation on her face, even though she tried to hide it, made me glad I’d said something. “But don’t tell him that,” I added.

  “I won’t,” she said, shaking her head.

  I sat down on the bed, smiling to myself as David slinked away out in the hall. He was having as much fun with this as I was, and it was nice to be united on something today, even if that was teasing our daughter.