“I could have run away with you, you know,” I said, waiting until he looked at me before speaking again. “If I wasn’t so in love with David, I could easily love you.”
“I appreciate that, Ara.” He spoke to the table. “More than you know.”
I smiled and hopped down off the stool. “And by the way, you’re actually a really good kisser.”
Brett laughed. “I know. Elora told me the same thing.”
“Wow. Poor taste, Brett,” I joked, leaving him behind as I headed up the stairs to the spare room—where Lily and Jason were sleeping. I hadn’t planned yet what I was going to say, but all I had to do was think about how I felt when I woke up just now, and the argument was completely straight in my head.
As I reached the door, I heard Lily talking to Beth, feeling relieved that she was actually awake. She called me to enter before my fist raised to rap on the door. It creaked a bit as I opened it, and Jason stirred in his sleep, rolling over and reaching out a blind hand for Lily.
“You’re here to discuss Morgana,” she whispered.
I nodded, a little intimidated.
She tied her dressing-gown belt around her waist and gently stroked the baby’s hair before walking away from the cradle. “Nothing you say will make me change my mind.”
“She’s being raped, Lily,” I said firmly. “How can you allow that?”
“Because I do not care for her mental state. I do not care if she goes insane. She will rot in those cells, Ara, and never see the light of day. It must be that way, surely you understand that?”
“Yes. But she can rot without being raped. It makes me sick—”
“And what she did makes me sick.”
“And what about what David did to her?”
Her lips stiffened, shoulders going back—exactly the same way mine would when I was certain I was right about something.
“Right.” I nodded. “I get it. David can do no wrong.”
“Would you have punished him?” she said, sitting down on the corner of the bed. “No. You wouldn’t have. You didn’t—”
“I didn’t know any better then—”
“Yes you did. You always did, but you turned a blind eye because he was your husband.”
“Wouldn’t you?” I nodded at Jason. “Could you hurt him if the law said it was right?”
She glanced back at the sleeping double of my husband. He looked sweet when he was sleeping—young and innocent, almost like a little boy. How could anyone look at him like that and think of hurting him?
“No. I would break the law for him,” she confessed.
“And yet you punish Morgana.” I shook my head at her. “If there is some other reason you punish her, tell me. Make me understand, because from where I stand right now, you’re a beast, Lily. You have no heart!”
Her face rolled sadly down, jaw setting tight. “I cannot tell you what I know, Ara, because it is not my place.”
“I say it is.”
“It is not. It is for David to tell you.”
“Why?”
“He’s not ready for you to know.”
“To know what?”
“Ara?” Jason said sleepily, not even opening his eyes. “Go home and talk to David about it.”
“No,” I demanded. “You can tell me. And I’m not leaving until you do.”
Jason groaned, rolling over and hiding under a pillow. “It’s too early for this.”
“Jase, please,” I begged, throwing the full weight of my needs behind my voice.
The pillow came away from his face and he smiled at me in a way only David ever had before. “You haven’t called me Jase in decades.”
We locked eyes for a moment, years of forbidden love dancing around in the air between us, charging the molecules and altering his state. We had a link, a bond that gave us an everlasting friendship at core level. I could feel it, and Lily could too. She knew she wouldn’t win this one. I wasn’t talking to the king and queen anymore. I was talking to someone that was once my best friend, and she was so in love with him that his desire would always become hers. He wanted to tell me; he wanted to help me; and now she wanted to too.
“It will hurt you deeply, Amara,” she said.
“And yet I still need to know.”
Lily looked at Jason. He nodded, moving his gaze to me after.
“You had just announced to your Private Council only two days before you were kidnapped that you were pregnant with your third child,” Lily said, and my stomach sunk. “You were four weeks…”
Were? My hands closed over my belly.
“Morgana knew,” Jason added, not taking his eyes off me. “The first thing she did when she got hold of you was take the child’s life.”
My knees gave out then and I sunk to the floor, Jason’s arms wrapping around me before I hit the ground.
“So you see, my darling,” Lily said, appearing on her knees in front of me, gently pushing a lock of hair from my eye, “I punish her for the death of an infant—of a child of the royal bloodline—not just for the torture she put you through. I looked into David’s heart. I saw what he felt that day when she killed your baby—when he watched it die, his hands bound, unable to do anything, and I was enraged.”
“She told him to get over it,” Jason added. “She said it was just a sac of cells and that he’d be glad it died, considering what she had planned for you both.”
And now it made sense why David reacted that way over my comment about cells.
“David’s body may have lived on, Ara,” Lily said, her voice breathy and shaking, “but his soul died that day—”
“He can’t come to terms with losing a child that way—having it ripped away; having to see how it killed you not being able to fight for it,” Jason added, squeezing me tight as I shook with grief. “You suffered unendingly, but your body could not have suffered even half as much as your heart did that day.”
“Why?” I sobbed, my hands gathered tightly over my belly. “Why didn’t he tell me?”
“He is trying to protect you from feeling this way,” Lily said, her accent thicker now than before. When I looked at her, I saw the deepest grief in her face, making it almost ugly as she cried for me. “I am so sorry, my darling.”
“And this is why, sweet girl.” Jason pressed his lips to my hair. “This is why we hurt her.”
I nodded, my lungs so raw and so tight the air shook its way into my chest.
“It was cruel of my brother to put you up to this,” Lily said. “Drake should not have involved you.”
“Does he know?” I whimpered. “Does he actually know she killed my baby? Because if he does, and he’s still standing up for her, then I want him dead! I want him to vanish off the face of the earth and never come back!”
“No.” Jason’s arms tightened a little more, the smell of him running through my core and igniting a familiar feeling—a feeling of being safe, of knowing he had my back at any cost. “He doesn’t know.”
“Why don’t you tell him?”
“Because he feels strongly about family,” Lily said. “I wanted Morgana to suffer for what she did to you. If he knew she had taken the life of a child—a child of our blood—he would kill her.”
“He’d kill his own daughter?”
“He would not see her as such in this case,” she said.
“But he still loves her when she tried to kill me?”
“You are not an innocent babe in your mother’s womb.”
None of this made any sense to me. It all seemed a bit backwards. He should know. She should die. Period. “I want him to know.”
They both looked at each other, and Jason nodded, Lily acquiescing a second later.
“Come on,” Brett said. I hadn’t noticed him standing behind us until he reached down to hoist me off the floor. “I’ll take you home to David.”
* * *
We only made it to the base of the stairs before I had to sit. It all made so much sense to me now—the dream I had about
losing a child so long ago, the waking feeling of devastation; the strong, burning desire to have another one—my heart knew. It knew all along what Morgana had taken from me, from us, and it was trying to fix it. But nothing could fix it. Not even a new baby.
I sobbed into Brett’s arms, my incomplete mind struggling to make sense of how anyone could be so dark, so heartless. My life was one thing to take, but a child? An unborn child?
“He,” I stammered, the sentence hiccupping to an end. “He was so worried. He. He…”
“Worried about what, kitten?” Brett said.
“David was worried about the baby.” I crossed my hands over my belly, looking down, my knees turned inward as if they could protect it. “He didn’t want another one. He was so scared of something, and now it all makes so much sense—”
“Okay, that’s good, but, Ara, you’re not making any sense. I can hardly even understand you.”
“I’m pregnant,” I said, my face crumpling. “I mean, only a few days pregnant, but—”
“Really?” The grief in his face stripped right back for the hugest grin. “You’re really pregnant again?”
I nodded, his smile forcing a smile in me.
“Ha!” He laughed loudly, looping his arms around me. “Holy shit. Does David know?”
I nodded, finally able to calm my lungs. “He didn’t want another one yet. He was really afraid.”
Brett nodded into my shoulder, not letting go of me. “This devastated him, Ar, losing—no, having that baby ripped away from you. He just didn’t know how to deal with such a huge loss of life, and he was afraid that you’d remember. And I would be too, especially having another one.”
“I get that now.” I wiped my face. “It makes so much more sense—everything… the way he’s been about it.”
“So…” He leaned back but kept both arms around me. “Was it an accident, or—”
“No.”
“I didn’t think so.” He smiled. “David’s not stupid—”
“I kind of forced him into it though.”
“What do you mean?”
“He said I did something to him with my emotions. I dunno. I just felt this…” I flicked my hair off my face, thinking about that day. “I had this burn, like; after I saw Beth, I knew there was nothing more right in this world than having another baby.”
“Well, you always did say you should listen to your heart.”
“Mm-hm.” I nodded, my heart crying out again. “And it was so broken, Brett. I just didn’t even know why.”
He placed his hand between my breasts, pressing so firmly I could feel my heart beat against his palm, and it felt oddly comforting. “I’m so sorry for what happened to you, Ar. I… I never wanted you to know either. I just didn’t want to see you like this.”
“It won’t destroy me,” I assured him, letting that resolve slip into my core and strengthen me. “I can’t take back what she did, but I’ll be damned if I let anything she did to me ruin my life. This baby will be loved and happy, and he or she needs a happy mother for that.”
He gently rolled his head sideways and brushed his thumb down my cheekbone. “Don’t be strong, okay? You will need time to grieve.”
Yes, but I didn’t want to grieve. All my body wanted was to lay on the floor in a ball and cry, but my mind wanted to be free of the hurt so badly I wished I could just stop crying and pretend like it didn’t hurt inside. I read once that crying was good for the soul, that it released the hurt and tension and anger in the body. I would have to cry, or it would eat me up and make me bitter and angry. But I was so afraid of that too—like the tears were as fierce and dangerous as hate.
“Does Elora know?” I asked.
“No one but Jason, Lily, and me know Morgana did it, and they only told me in case you one day remembered it. Other than that, it was the biggest-kept secret in Lilithian history.”
“No,” I said with a small smile, “I think I was the biggest-kept secret in Lilithian history.”
He laughed softly, his kind eyes searching the sadness in mine. “Yes, you were, and your father does love you, Ara. I know you wonder, since he puts so much into Morgana, but he really would do the same for you if you had no one.”
I nodded. “Does he really not know what she did to me?”
He shook his head. “We had to keep it from him.”
“I have to tell him.” My voice broke on the sadness again. “I need to know if he still wants her set free, knowing what she did.”
“Okay.” Brett nodded. “But speak to David first, okay? He’ll be heartbroken that he wasn’t here for you when you found out. He never wanted you to know. I’m not sure…” He glanced back at my room, where I could hear Lily and Jason whispering. “He won’t forgive Jason for telling you.”
“I don’t know why he didn’t tell me.”
“He just couldn’t find the words, kitten. How could he?”
My lips pressed together in thought. Poor David. To have carried this devastation with him all this time. I understood why he didn’t tell me. I also wished Jason hadn’t, because now I would carry it with me like a weight around my heart for the rest of my days. Losing a child by natural means was one thing, but murder! A person deliberately taking that life!
I got up.
“Where are you going?” Brett asked, following me.
“I think I’m in the anger phase,” I said, opening the door. “I’m going home to talk to David, and then I’m taking the next flight to Loslilian to watch Morgana’s torture!”
* * *
Brett reluctantly left me at the front door and headed back down the steps toward home, in his pajamas, his feet still bare. I think I loved him a bit more then. He was always so selfless, but walking me home in the middle of the night and, while supporting me in my grief, not even taking the time to put shoes on, that was taking his love to a new level. I really hoped he was just as sweet and supportive once the curse broke, but… a different kind of sweet and supportive.
I snuck inside and lumbered up the steps, holding my breath to contain the ragged quivering of my lungs and throat. I didn’t want to wake anyone. I didn’t want them to ask me what was wrong because I knew I’d tell them. I knew my broken heart just couldn’t keep this inside. But I didn’t want them to know. In ways, it’d make it too real. It felt like I’d have to carry their grief, their shock; that maybe I’d even have to feel grateful that they were so invested in my life, but all I wanted to do was stare at a wall and let the pain eat me up right now.
The bedroom door was still open, everything how I left it, including David. The room was warm and stuffy with the heat from earlier today, the clock on the mantle ticking loudly beneath the snoring, and David was still laying at an odd angle, his neck tilted up, one shoe still on. I could smell the alcohol on his breath from the door, and it made me feel empty. My life had just taken a huge leap off a cliff into a valley of broken glass, and here he was, sleeping like nothing had happened. I didn’t hate him for that. How could he know? I think I was just jealous. I think I wished I hadn’t gotten out of bed tonight. And then again, I’d slept peacefully for over a year and a half while he carried the knowledge alone.
I climbed onto the bed and sat cross-legged beside him. My feet were a bit gross now after being sock-less in Mike’s smelly garden boots, but I decided not to do anything to fix it. I decided instead to lean in and kiss my husband. He didn’t flinch, didn’t even feel it, which I was glad of. I needed to be with him, watching him, just existing with him in a world where he still didn’t know that I knew—a world where he still thought I was okay. This news would change me, I could feel that. It had taken away the light in my heart and replaced it with something heavy and hollow, and I wondered if this was how I used to feel all the time, given that I’d suffered so much loss in my life. It explained perfectly for me why David protected our secrets so fiercely. I loved him for that. I wish he’d been there tonight to protect me from this.
Outside, the sun seemed t
o peek over the horizon too soon. I looked at the clock on the mantle and realized I’d been sitting here for hours, just staring at him while time passed. I wondered if Brett got any sleep. Or Jason. It wasn’t often that I could feel other people’s emotions these days—something I was told had been a talent of mine before—but I felt Jason’s tonight. Last night, I suppose. In fact, gauging what I felt in him, there was no way he went back to sleep after that. He’d be worried. Very worried.
David let out a huge snore then and stopped breathing for a second, stretching out his body and finally kicking off that last shoe. I held my breath too, hoping he wouldn’t wake fully, look up, and see the tears dripping from my chin. He didn’t need to see them though. It was like he smelled them, or sensed them.
“What’s wrong?” He sat bolt upright without even opening his eyes first. “Ara?”
I sobbed in reply, wiping my nose on my hand.
“Aw, sweetheart.” He wrapped his legs and arms around me, his whiskey breath strong in the circle of his body. “What’s the matter, my love?”
“I had a dream,” I said. “So I went to see Lily—about Morgana.”
“What?” His mood darkened. “Why didn’t you wake me?”
I smirked to convey the obvious.
“Oh right,” he said, smiling. “I was a bit out of it, wasn’t I?”
I nodded, strangely feeling a bit lighter. “They told me, David.”
“Told you what?”
“Why…” My eyes met his, tears dancing on the edges. “They had to tell me why they won’t set Morgana free.”
His eyes closed and his hand came up to grip his hairline. “No.”
“They had to, David.” I pulled his hand down, certain he would rip the hair right out. “I… you understand, I know you do. You know what I’m like. I wasn’t going to drop it.”
“But you are now.” He cast two stern eyes onto my face. “You understand now.” And without me answering, that gaze moved down to my trembling lip and took in the layer upon layer of fresh tears streaming down my cheeks. He wiped them away with his thumbs. “Aw, my love.”
Bound by Secrets Page 54
