Bundled up, safe in his arms, the grief fled my body, making it shake as it passed through from my soul. But unlike when I cried in Jason’s arms, and in Brett’s, I felt relief from my tears here. I felt weak and unsteady, like the whole world might come to an end underneath us right now, but that’s how I needed to feel. He didn’t make me feel like I needed to be strong. He didn’t make me feel like I needed to just cry and get it all out. He made me feel like it would all be okay—that I would cry, that I would feel pain, but that the pain would leave with the tears.
The dormant strength of the vampire that no longer lived in him rose to the surface, making his hands grip the back of my head too tightly, his chin press down on the top of my head in a way that made my neck dip, but it stopped the shaking after a while and my throat found a voice, taking the grief and the pain and turning it into words.
“It’s like breaking something precious,” I said. “Your heart just wants to glue it back together—to take it back…”
“I know,” he whispered into my neck. “And we can’t make it okay, Ara. We never will. But we are blessed to have another child on the way and, for me, that heals so much of that old open wound. It didn’t at first, because I was afraid for you, but now that you know”—he drew back and smiled at my face, at the tears—“I think it will give us room in our hearts, permission, I guess, to heal.”
“Permission?”
“It can be easy to feel like…”—his eyes drifted slowly to nothing—“I guess that you’re betraying the child that will never be by moving on. Because she, or he, can’t come with us on this journey of life, I think it’s easy to feel like we have to stay hurt to honor it.”
Wow. My brain and my heart just connected so deeply with that. I didn’t want to admit it openly, but he was right.
“You need time,” he said. “You need to grieve and feel angry. I won’t let you put this behind you too quickly, Ara, that’s not healthy. But I’ve grieved enough. It has consumed me, and I can’t… I just need to set myself free now”—he touched my belly—“because I need to love this little one, and I can’t do that while I’m still holding on to the baby we lost.”
I nodded. “You don’t need my permission to be okay, David.”
“Yes but I also do. Because I feel like I have no right to move on without you—”
“You have every right.” I held both of his cheeks, the thick stubble grounding me somehow, making me feel him more than if he was smooth. “I want you to move on, to feel okay again. It’s the only way I ever will. I need to feel like, when I’m ready to be okay again, you’ll be waiting up there to take my hand and show me how.”
He leaned in and kissed my mouth, the stale taste of hot morning breath hitting my gag reflex. I pulled away and, despite my grief, laughed hard.
“Sorry,” he said. “I’ll go brush my teeth.”
“And shower.”
He laughed, hopping up. “Wanna come?”
“Why? Do I need to brush my teeth?”
“Ha. No. But… you need a shower. Your feet smell.”
I laughed, my eyes tearing up for the relief I felt in still being able to laugh.
54
David
If babies weren’t so difficult from the day they were born until they turned about eight, I would have one with Ara every nine months. I worshipped the beauty, the magic of the fact that her body could build another human being. I worshipped the glow and the magnificence that was her every breath. I couldn’t wait for her little tummy to get round. I even couldn’t wait for her bottom to get wider and her hips to have that cute little layer of fat over them. She was right to want another baby. I was glad we were having another one, because it did—as much as I felt like it shouldn’t—it did heal some of the pain for losing our last.
I got down on my knees, the water rolling off her breasts over my face and shoulders, my hands on her hips, firmly kissing what would right now be only a sac of cells inside of her.
“All this time,” I said, “we’ve been in the same space for almost a year now and I’ve not once made love to you—not the way it should be.”
She closed her eyes and slipped her fingers into my wet hair, pulling it a bit where they tangled. I wanted more of her touch. I wanted to feel her fingers hurt me to know she was real, to ground me and make me never forget what she feels like. I promised I never would, and yet it had all slipped away so easily when she was gone. Now, I missed the memory of her. I missed the way she moaned when I kissed her neck and the way her hands knew every inch of me. I had to have that back. Now.
Hot water made curtains over my open mouth as I kissed her navel, the stubble on my chin abrasive to her delicate skin. I moved on quickly to the dark patch of hair between her legs, falling in love with the more traditional grooming she had these days. The length retained the smell that sent my nerves wild, and even in the stream of running water, I could smell her, taste her.
Her knees buckled a little as I smoothed my tongue up the middle and parted the cleft, pushing my finger up inside of her. The muscles tightened around it in response, her blood pulsing to that one spot, making her lungs take in air faster. But I drew the finger away before she got too involved. It would not end like this today. I would show her what it felt like to be loved, to make love, to be with someone that places her needs above all else in the world. I would show her that there’s life after all she suffered.
My lips traced her body from her inner thigh to her waist, drinking the water from her flesh, until I slowly got up from my knees, the cold tiles leaving nasty impressions on them, and brought my mouth to her shoulder. Her spine tingled, body arching in reply, but I paused before kissing her neck, leaning out just slightly to look right into her eyes as I positioned myself to enter her. Every inch of me wanted to drive myself in and fuck her so hard she wouldn’t walk today, but the reward in restraint would be far greater.
The heat inside of her seemed to reach out and latch on to the tip of me, calling me to enter. I could feel the silky wetness among the water falling around it, and as I guided myself in, slowly, deliberately, her eyes rolled to an involuntary close. The deeper I went the higher her shoulders lifted, her body reveling in every inch of me. At the point where her thighs restricted further entry, she lifted her leg and wrapped it around me, allowing room for our hips to connect, stomachs to touch. I propped my hand on the wall to keep us both up, my other one under her leg, taking my eyes to the place where we connected. Soon, her belly would grow to the point where I could no longer see myself slip away inside her, and if I didn’t cut back on the sweet foods mine would restrict us first.
I sucked my gut in a little, making a mental promise to go to the gym today and, while I was there, never to judge the girth of happily married men again. I understood it all on a completely new level now. And what made this moment so amazing for me was that Ara didn’t care. She wanted me as I was; thin, fat, muscled, bad breath, clean teeth, vampire. Human.
I stepped outside of the moment then, taking stock of the fact that I truly was human, experiencing this—making love, not just sex—for the first time. And I needed to be closer. I folded myself into her, hugged her, moving only a little to keep my dick hard. I just needed to feel her naked body pressed hard against mine; to feel her breasts flatten under my chest; to feel her hair press with mine where our bodies connected.
Time passed as we stood entwined in each other this way. Every now and then she would shift or I would readjust my footing, and our bodies would respond to that, making her wetter and me harder, but it was nothing more simple than a total embrace—every part of us touching in the only way it could—and though I wanted to, I refused my body the right to reach climax, refusing hers as it peaked a few times too. This needed to last longer than just the moment we were in. I needed to hold onto this and keep it safe in my memory forever. From here, after we told Drake what Morgana did, after we announced the soon-to-be new baby, everything would change. Our lives would become
about something else again, and Just Ara with Just David would get lost in all that for a while.
“David,” she whispered, bringing her other leg up around me.
I pressed her back to the wall to hold her up and she gasped at the cold, both of us laughing for a second.
“I’m going back to Loslilian,” she said.
I leaned out so I could see her pretty blue eyes, and sighed. “I figured you would.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. You wanna kick Morgana’s ass, right?”
Her serious face cracked, and she laughed. “I guess you do know me pretty well.”
“I’ve been with you for more than half your life,” I said, reaching up to push a curl away from her eye. “I know you better than I know myself.”
The smile faded to a simple, loving one. “I also want to break this curse on us.”
“I want that too, sweetheart.” I kissed her mouth, holding onto that kiss for a just a moment longer than planned. “But I don’t know if it’s possible.”
“We’ll make it possible,” she said simply, folding herself around me. “Now finish making love to me. Our son will be up soon, and I don’t want to spend all day horny because you couldn’t do the job.”
“Ha!” I threw my head back, and as I did, I felt her get wetter, knowing it was the sight of my fangs that turned her on. With that in mind, I bit down hard on her shoulder, drawing blood up instantly. My bones and flesh may have been mortal now, but my teeth still knew the feel of skin and exactly how to break it.
She capped her open mouth over my shoulder to hide her moans, losing herself to the call of desire as I let go too. I came hard, the pressure making the tip of my dick hurt, making my thighs hurt, but as much as I almost wanted to pull out, I drove in deeper and as I felt her release and soften too, the pain slipped backward and a feeling of pure calm flooded my limbs.
“Don’t pull out,” she whispered, wrapping her entire body around me, her blood gushing from her wound and coloring the water flowing between us. “I just need to stay like this for a while.”
I wrapped my hands under her bottom and turned us, so my back was against the wall, sliding down it slowly with my knees arched to support her body. And we sat there on the cold tiles under a stream of hot, bloodied water for the longest time, living in our grief once again with the moment of lust removed.
* * *
Harry shoveled his cereal into his mouth in giant heaps. I watched, trying not to criticize. Ara would always scold me for that—tell me to let him be a child—but I often wondered at what point it stopped being childhood enjoyment and just became bad manners. Still, I thought, glancing back at her, I was not one to challenge her before she’d had her coffee, and on such little sleep.
She still had that look of utter misery in her eye, the obvious grief in her heart standing out on all her features, but she seemed to be getting on with the day as she usually did. I expected and allowed room for her to be a mess today, to spend all day in bed, in my arms, but it seemed all she wanted was to fight her way to Loslilian and stab her sister. I knew she wouldn’t grieve properly until revenge had been sought. After that, I had to hope some healing would set in with time passing, and when we got home after our trip to Loslilian, she would not spend too long being sad. Not because I didn’t want to deal with it, but because I just didn’t want to see her that way.
Ara sat down at the table and wrapped her hands around her coffee cup, taking a breath to prepare herself. “Harry?” she said.
He looked up, not taking too much notice of how sad she looked.
“Dad and I have to go to Loslilian for a bit—”
“Again?” He moaned.
“Yes.” She forced a benign smile. “Do you want to come with us, or would you like to stay here with Uncle Mike?”
A look of thought washed across his face. “Aunt Em’s going to have her baby soon.”
“Yes.” Ara smiled.
“No. Real soon, Mom,” he insisted. “I can’t leave now. I have to be here when it’s born.”
“Why’s that, Harry?” she asked, a hint of panic touching her tone.
“Because I’m going to be her little helper,” he said proudly.
My head swam with relief. For a moment there I thought he had the family talent of foresight.
“And anyway,” Harry added, chewing with his mouth open, “I don’t wanna miss the last day of school. We’re having a party.”
“Okay.” Ara laughed. “But we might be gone for a few weeks.”
“Will you be back for Christmas?”
No, would have been my first answer. Not if Ara wanted to break this curse. Christmas was only, what, six or seven weeks away?
“Yes, we will. I promise,” she said.
“But what about you, Mom? You’re going to miss the end of school.”
“I…” She swallowed stiffly, a wave of misery hitting her hard. “I think maybe my mind is too old for school now, Harry. I don’t want to go back.”
“But what about Cal? Won’t he miss you?”
I groaned. “Cal can kiss my—”
“Ah!” Ara cut me off. “That’s enough.”
Harry and I laughed.
“Cal’s coming with us,” she added.
“Excuse me?” I said.
“Who will I feed off?” she said simply.
“Any number of vampires.” I stood up to get some space. “We have donors and—”
“I don’t want a donor—”
“Then turn Dad back,” Harry suggested.
It was a simple suggestion and yet it hit us so profoundly. He was right. It was time. Cal was a good guy in general, but I was done sharing my wife with him.
“Where are you going?” Ara called as I stalked from the room.
“To find Jason,” I called back. “I’m having him turn me today.”
55
Ara
“So, how was the wedding?” Cal asked, sprawling out on the couch in Mike’s den.
I sat down on the piano stool, facing him. “Interesting.”
“How so?”
“A lot of truths came out as a result of some conversations held last night, and…” My eyes drifted down to my feet. “Cal, I have to go back to Loslilian—”
“What?” He sat up.
“I have some things I need to sort out.”
“Like what?”
I seized up, afraid to tell him about the curse he was under. He was my best friend—there for me when I’d needed him most; the only person in this life that knew me for the me I was now, not for the me I was then—and I didn’t want to lose him. But it had to be said. He deserved to know. “I have a curse on my blood.”
“Yeah, that one that makes people fall in love with you,” he said. “What about it?”
“How did you know?”
“Eric told me, but he swore me to secrecy until you were made aware of it.”
“Okay, then why didn’t you tell me?” I jumped up and sat beside him, slapping his arm. “We’re supposed to be best friends. You can’t keep secrets from me.”
“I didn’t plan to, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to you since I was turned. I’ve seen you twice since then and it was only to feed you.”
Ten pounds’ worth of guilt landed on my head. “I’m so sorry, Cal—”
“Don’t be. About any of it—not about dissing me and not about cursing me. I love ya anyway, Ara.” He hauled me in for a one-armed hug and a kiss on the head. “And I’m fine, by the way. Vampirism is treating me well.”
“Have your family noticed any changes?”
“Ha!” he scoffed. “No. But my friends have. And I had to tell Bree.”
“You told your twin sister you’re a vampire?” My voice sounded a bit like a teenager as I asked that, full of attitude. “How did she take it?”
He shrugged, passive. “She thought it was cool. Asked me to kill a few people.”
I laughed, knowing he was joking.
&
nbsp; “I’m doing better at school, too,” he added, eyes wider. “Turns out my brain is actually quite smart. I just… didn’t have all the channels tuned in.”
“So, what? You think maybe you’ll be a lawyer now after all?”
“No way.” He wiped the air clean. “I’ll get my grades up, prove I can be a lawyer, and refuse just to shit my dad.”
My head moved in fluid disbelief. “You really hate him, don’t you?” And as I said it, I could finally understand how anyone could feel that way about their own parent. Mine had let me down pretty bad too. I hoped, for Drake’s sake, that he changed his tune when he found out what else Morgana did, otherwise I would have nothing more to do with him.
“I don’t hate him,” Cal said. “But I want him to realize he’s been a dick to me for the last five years.”
“And when he does? What then?”
“Then…” He bumped his shoulders up, scrunching his mouth. “I might become a lawyer. A defense lawyer.”
“Like David,” I said.
“David’s a lawyer?”
“Mm-hm.” I nodded. “You didn’t know that?”
“No. I don’t know much about him at all, really—only the lie he presented at school.”
“Yeah, I suppose that never really occurred to me.” I went quiet for a bit, not really having anything else to say.
“So when are you going to Los-whatever-that-place is you gotta go to?”
“We leave tonight, unless Jason turns David back into a vampire—”
“What?” He sat taller, spinning in his seat to face me. “He’s turning him back?”
“Maybe.”
“Then… what’ll that mean for us, you know—”
“We’ll still be friends, but no feeding.”
“Damn.” He pouted playfully.
“So, anyway, if Jase turns David back, then we’ll leave in a few days. If not, we leave tonight. I wanna be back before Christmas.”
“And the point of the trip is to, what? Do something about this curse?”
Bound by Secrets Page 55
