Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius
Page 2
Let’s not meet at the mall. I can get the stuff I need there later. I don’t want you to have to go and be bored.
I’ve read that book, I think. Is it Feed? I liked it. It was really funny the way language was all screwed up.
See you on Saturday.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
dude too bad u didnt come to the mall. it was fun.
I really wanted to come! What did you guys do?
Hey, I’m just curious, but is Kennedy dating anyone right now? She never said anything. I’m just curious. No reason.
u missed out. kennedys brother was there 4 a bit, tho + he’s a total turd. how was ur gramma?
Hey, do you want to hang out and plan the movie tomorrow? My dad can drop me off and pick me up.
Assignment: Description and Imagery
I’ve asked you to bring in three objects that each have personal meaning for you. Choose one of these objects and write a short piece about its importance. Make sure that you describe it: What does it look like? What does it feel like? Does it have a taste? A smell? Why is it important?
Due: September 24
September 17th
Dear RJ,
Kennedy actually came and sat with me and Robbie at lunch for a bit. I mean, not for the whole lunch, but she sat down at our table and talked to us about the AV Club. She said that Mr. Everett was thinking that she should write a piece for the newspaper about some of the clubs people could join and he wants the AV Club on the list. The thing is, Robbie and I aren’t sure that we want a bunch of nerds joining our project. What if they have really terrible ideas? So I told her that we aren’t letting people in, except by invitation only.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
The Day the Band Went Silent
By Arthur Bean
This is the end of the concert band at Terry Fox Jr. High.
That is, it could be, if they don’t get the support and money for their band trip. The senior concert band is in dire need of some money to help get them to Ontario to compete in this year’s MusicFest, a national competition of junior high concert bands that is held every other year in Ottawa, Ontario. Terry Fox Jr. High has been invited to compete in this battle of the bands, but they can’t go without help from the rest of the school.
Older students will probably remember last year’s fundraising attempt, a time that will forever be referred to as The Culturally Insensitive Christmas Wrapping Paper Debacle. This year Mr. Eagleson is hoping that a silent auction will bring in the money that the band desperately needs.
A silent auction, you say? Auctions are typically held with a fast-talking auctioneer. A silent auction requires bidders to write down the bid for their item on a piece of paper. Each bid must be higher than the bid written down before it. On the final day, the last bid on each piece of paper will be the winner. The silent auction will run from October 10 until October 19, when the winners will be announced. The auction will also be open during parent-teacher interviews on the evenings of October 17 and 18.
Mr. Eagleson said that there are some great items up for auction. A list of items can be found on page three. Remember: IF you don’t buy something, a piece of the arts will die.
Hiya, Artie!
This is a little extreme, don’t you think? Don’t get me wrong, buddy, I like the way you make the arts important, but I’m not sure that this is the right tone for a piece where we want people to buy things! I really like the paragraph explaining how a silent auction works, and your sly wink to last year’s Christmas paper fundraiser made me smile. But let’s work on this article at lunch and see if we can’t strike a different chord for the band! :)
Cheers!
Mr. E.
Dear Mr. Everett,
Remember how last year we talked about how I had such a strong voice in my writing that I would do a great job at having my own column? I just thought this would be a good time to start running that as a regular feature in the newspaper. We have a new generation of news readers, Mr. Everett, and I know they will appreciate my unique perspective. Without it, the news is so boring! If you like, I could focus on one thing, like writing about movies. I’m learning so much about them, and I’m sure people would appreciate an insider’s view of filmmaking.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Hi, Artie!
I’m not sure about having your own column, but let’s see what you do with a perspective piece! As you know, the annual Terry Fox Run is coming up. Since its inception, our school has been a benchmark for participation in the run, and I’m really hoping that you can write a piece for the paper. On your mark, get set, go!
Mr. E.
ZOMBIE SCHOOL
by Arthur Bean and Robbie Zack
September 21 Production Meeting
Notes from today’s meeting:
As script director, I feel certain that my idea of having a ghosts vs. zombies movie could be the greatest twist ever, because no one will see it coming (HAHAHA! Ghosts … See them coming!!). When the students turn out to already be dead, but coming back to life as they are killed by zombies, it will be the most epic battle scene of all time. Robbie says it’s stupid. I’m writing down my idea because Robbie will realize that I was totally right and that it will be amazing. Then I will show him this paper and it will serve as proof that I was right and he was wrong. (Read it and weep, future Robbie Zack!)
We also decided that our production company will not be called BEAN THERE, DONE ZACK PRODUCTIONS like I wanted, but it will be called MISERABLE WOLVERINE PRODUCTIONS.
From: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: September 21, 20:31
Hi Arthur!
How’s it going? Robbie told me that you guys want to be featured in my newspaper article! That’s awesome!!! I can’t wait to INTERVIEW you! Don’t worry! I’ll make you look like the COOLEST film nerds at the school LOL!! I totally want to be in your movie too! The play this year sounds SUPER lame, so you probably won’t have a lot of competition getting good actors from the Drama Department LOL!! ANYWAYS, I was thinking we could do the interview tomorrow! I have a family thing in the morning, but we could meet at the mall and do the interview there! I told Mr. E. I would have the story done by Thursday, so you BETTER be available!
Kennedy :)
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: September 21, 20:55
Dear Kennedy,
Sure, I can meet you whenever you want! Meeting outside school is a great idea. We barely get to talk at school, so that would be awesome.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
P.S.: We “film nerds” actually prefer the term “film geek.” It’s more inclusive. :)
Hi, Anila. I know we said that we would meet tomorrow, but now I have to work on a project for a class, so I can’t make it. Sorry!
I’m disappointed that I won’t get to see you, Arthur, but I understand. I hope your project goes well. What’s it on? XOXO
My class is working on a study of alternative energy sources … I can’t wait to tell you about it. Maybe we could write some letters to companies about switching to different fuel sources! XOXO
How are things otherwise? Did you watch that documentary I told you about? I really think you’ll find it interesting, and you’ll probably never eat beef again … XOXO
I’ll watch it tonight if I can. I have a lot of homework though. Sorry about tomorrow. Good night!
Good night to you too, Arthur Bean! I miss you a lot! XOXO
September 22nd
Dear RJ,
Oh, man! There was such a close call today! I was at the mall with Kennedy and Robbie when Anila walked by! She was there BY HERSELF and she walked past the food court. I don’t know what she was doing there; she’s always talking about how she never goes! Thankfully, she didn’t see us
. But I was so focused on her not seeing us that I wasn’t listening to Kennedy’s questions, so I didn’t sound as awesome in the interview as I wanted to. Now she’ll probably focus on Robbie, and he’ll sound like he’s in charge of our movie when really it’s me.
Know what’s weird, though? I was so worried that Anila was going to see us, but I was even more nervous that Kennedy would find out about Anila! I don’t know why I don’t want her to know that I have a girlfriend, but I don’t. Anila and Kennedy are two different parts of my life, and I like having them separate. My mom used to say that she never mixed her work friends and her other friends. It’s kind of like that, I guess.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Assignment: My Camp Necklace
By Arthur Bean
My object is my hemp necklace from Arts Camp this summer. I made it, and I thought jewellery making would be lame, but it wasn’t. It’s actually really easy to make a hemp necklace. It’s basically just tying fancy knots and adding beads. I think my knitting prowess helped me, because it turned out pretty awesome. One of the beads is plain navy blue. I chose it because blue was my mom’s favourite colour and I knew she would have liked that one best.
One bead is a skull and crossbones because there were only two beads like that and Robbie got them both and gave one to me so that we would both have one. The next one has a spider on it, and I chose it because of my camp counsellor, Spider. Spider wasn’t his real name. It’s his camp name. He was this huge Black dude who was over 2 metres tall. He was just always really cool about everything, and he told me that when his dad died, he was around my age. He didn’t make a big deal about it, but he was easy to talk to all the time. I was kind of nervous around him at first, but then at a campfire one night he brought his guitar out and he was this amazing classical guitarist. Almost everything about him was awesome and kind of surprising actually.
I really like my necklace, because it’s softer now after I’ve worn it every day for a couple of months. I didn’t ever need to take it off, because it was waterproof too. Well, not really waterproof, but it didn’t get ruined in the water. I wore it for the first few days of school, but a bunch of people made fun of me for wearing jewellery, including Robbie (even though he wore his every day at camp), so I took it off and now I keep it on my bedpost so I get to at least see it every night.
Dear Arthur,
I’m pleased to see the thought you’ve put into this assignment. You’ve done a great job here; the accomplished writer in you shines through! I hope that all your assignments this year are of such quality.
Ms Whitehead
OCTOBER
October 1st
Dear RJ,
Robbie brought the video camera to school on Friday, and I had to carry it in my backpack all day. I guess I could have put it in my locker, but I didn’t want it to get stolen. Which is actually pretty funny, considering where it came from.
I probably shouldn’t say anything more, at least not in writing. Evidence, and all that. But you should know that I am really starting to hate this video camera. Just having it in the apartment makes me feel like the cops could knock on the door any minute now.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Anila Bhati (anila.i.bhati@gmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: October 1, 17:54
Hi, Arthur!
My mother wanted me to invite you and your father over for Thanksgiving dinner next Sunday. My mom and my grandmother are going to be making a feast of Indian food, including homemade naan bread that is so light and buttery it makes my mouth water just thinking of it … You and your father wouldn’t have to bring anything at all, but my parents would love to see you again, and meet your dad. My father really likes movies, so you can talk about that with him. And my mother thinks it’s just lovely that you knit. I showed her the coffee-cup sleeve that you knitted for me at camp, and she thinks you should sell them at craft fairs! Have you ever thought about that?
Anyway, I really do hope you can make it.
I miss you!
XOXO
Anila
October 1st
Dear RJ,
Anila invited me and Dad over for Thanksgiving. Any time this happens in a book or a movie, it’s a big deal, so I guess I should be worried about it. I don’t know why though. Maybe our parents will be friends. My dad could use more friends. He goes to yoga still, but other than that, he doesn’t really do much. That being said, I’m kind of glad that he hasn’t started dating or something, the way Robbie’s dad has. That would be the worst. Actually, the worst would be if he started dating a teacher. That happens in movies and novels all the time. Thankfully, I don’t think Ms Whitehead would be his type. At least, I hope she’s not his type. I couldn’t handle it.
But other than our parents meeting, I don’t know why I should worry. Except about all the curry in one meal. Anila told me that her mom’s cooking is really spicy. I can’t eat spicy things without it getting really, really embarrassing.
I wonder what Kennedy is doing for Thanksgiving. I don’t think she’s got a boyfriend right now. The tables have turned. Now I have a girlfriend and she’s single. Maybe this is a parallel universe?? Ha!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Anila Bhati (anila.i.bhati@gmail.com)
Sent: October 2, 9:33
Hi, Anila!
I talked to my dad, and we can come for dinner on Thanksgiving Sunday. It works out really well, because our friend Nicole and her boyfriend invited us over for dinner on Monday night. So it’s perfect! Like my dad said, we will get to have curry and turkey and we won’t have to do any of the cooking or the dishes!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Pounding the Pavement: The Terry Fox Run
By Arthur Bean
I think we can all agree that Terry Fox was a hero. He was strong and brave and an amazing athlete. But I need to take a stand here, even though it’s going to be unpopular. Socially conscious writers sometimes need to take a risk for our art.
I would like to say that any guy who thinks he can run ACROSS CANADA clearly had a screw loose. For one thing, the chafing! And the blisters! It just seems awful. I don’t believe someone would choose to run that far. Still, every September, every kid in every school everywhere in Canada has to run something like a tenth of how far Terry Fox ran as a reminder to never dream too big.
Along with everyone else, I had to join in the Terry Fox Jr. High Terry Fox Run last week. Of course it was raining that day, but there wasn’t any point in putting on a rain jacket. I was just going to be sweaty inside the jacket anyway. I envied the kids with notes excusing them from physical activity. It wasn’t the first time that I wished I could be hit lightly by a car, just enough that my ankle fractured or something. Only the athletes like the run. The rest of us suffer through, except that group that seems to have some secret route where they get to sit under a tree for an hour and saunter in later.
The course was the same last year: a lap around the field, then into the community. What started off as a mass huddle turned into a long string that snaked through the streets of Calgary. Four different old ladies yelled at us in four different languages. I can only assume that they were not words of encouragement as we turned their perfectly manicured lawns into mudholes and trashed their flowers and hedges. It didn’t take more than a few metres before my lungs started burning with every inhale and I wanted to spit every few paces. I don’t know where all that saliva comes from, but it never goes away. By the time the school was in sight, we were drenched with sweat and rain and ready to be done. But, NO! We had to go around the stupid field again. By the time I got inside, the hot chocolate that was being given away had run out, and it was time to get to the next class.
Do I feel better about myself for running the Terry Fox Jr. High Terry Fox Run? No. Do
I feel like I’ve done something for the community? Maybe I would have, but I only got donations from two people. So what do I know? I know that Terry Fox was one tough dude. One tough, maybe crazy dude.
Hi, Artie!
I’m not going to lie, I chuckled at some parts of your rendition of the Terry Fox Run. I didn’t realize you felt so strongly about a national icon. I wanted something a little more positive about the experience, so I’m going to shorten your article and get Kennedy to write something to complement your piece. Two opposing viewpoints would be interesting to readers.
Mr. E.
Dear Mr. Everett,
I think you misunderstood my piece. I’m not against Terry Fox, or even what he stands for in Canada. I just think there are better ways to show our support for his goal than running around a field once a year. If you let me have my own column, I bet that would come through in a clearer way.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: October 7, 22:22
Hi Arthur!
How’s it going? SO … I heard something VERY INTERESTING about you tonight! My mom invited Robbie and his dad and brother to come over for Thanksgiving dinner and when we were talking before dinner I realized that you and your dad were probably alone for Thanksgiving and I felt TERRIBLE! So I told Robbie and HE mentioned that I shouldn’t worry about it because you and your dad were going to have curry buffet at YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE!!!!!!!!
You NEVER mentioned having a girlfriend! So you’d better tell me EVERYTHING! LOL! I want to hear all about her! I can’t BELIEVE that you never mentioned her before! Robbie said that you hang out with her ALL THE TIME! EVERY day in class I ask you what’s new and you NEVER ONCE even hinted that you had a girlfriend! You’re so WEIRD LOL!! I can’t wait to meet her!