The Strength of His Heart

by Victoria Sue

  The door opened behind him, and a middle-aged woman stepped in. She held her hand out. “Agent Piper, I’m Dr. Maris. I’m afraid all your mom’s organs are shutting down, and it’s happening so fast, we need to ventilate her.” Three nurses followed her into the room, and Sam quickly moved the chair.

  Sam nodded just as the machine at the side of the bed started practically shrieking an urgent warning. More bodies swarmed in, and Sam hurriedly got out of the way. He couldn’t see what was happening, and he didn’t especially want to. Time seemed to stand still while more people than he could count all tried to save his mother’s life.

  He could have told them it would do no good at least five minutes before the doctors themselves finally gave up trying. She had given up living a long time ago.

  So many people wanted to talk to him, but Sam didn’t seem able to take any of it in. She was dead. He knew that, but what he couldn’t quite articulate was that she had been dead to him for what felt like all his life, and he was at a loss to understand why that should be bothering him now. Abruptly he stood up, wondering how he was sitting in a chair in a different room when a few seconds ago he had been standing by a bed, staring at the woman he had loved for a long time, never being able to work out why she had never loved him back. Blindly he took a few steps, needing some air, and gasped when he ran straight into a solid wall.

  When the wall was warm and the strong arms belonging to it wrapped around him and held him tight, then and only then did Sam cry for something he had never had and the tremendous and pointless waste of it all. He wasn’t completely sure when he finished what he had been crying for, but he just lay—sat—wrapped up so tightly in Vance, he never wanted to move.

  “Here,” Vance said gently, and Sam opened his eyes to the water bottle. He took it gratefully, realizing he was sitting on Vance’s knee and wondering why he was making no attempt to get down. He should feel like a child, but he just felt exhausted and safe. Vance made him feel safe.

  “I’m sorry.” He stared into Vance’s deep brown eyes. Absently, he wondered if Vance knew which hurt he was apologizing for. For the way he had treated him or for saying he didn’t love him, because he guessed they would both hurt. He wasn’t sure he knew himself. He felt numb.

  Vance dropped a very gentle kiss on his forehead. “Have you decided what you’re gonna do about Luis?”

  Sam smiled. “Take him home. Be a big brother. You’ll have to show me how it’s done.”

  Vance chuckled. “I ain’t never been a big brother, but I guess I can learn.”

  Sam took another breath. “I’m gonna ask Gregory for a leave of absence. I need to change apartments.” Bury his mother. “Enroll Luis in school. Work out how I’m going to be—”

  Vance nodded.

  Sam was quiet for a few minutes, the events of yesterday still playing on a loop. “How did the team know to come?”

  “It was Christopher. The tech.”

  “He spoke to Talon?”

  Vance shook his head. “No. He doesn’t understand it himself, but his ability seems to be stronger both with people who he’s just been in contact with and those who are the most distressed. It was Daniel he spoke to. Daniel had only just visited me here.” Vance smiled. “Christopher’s got a new job.”

  “I guess he would have to. They arrested Benson?”

  “Yep.”

  Sam watched Vance’s lips smirk a little. “Where’s he working?”

  “He’s Doc Natalie’s new assistant.”

  Perfect. It was so perfect. “Everyone else is okay?”

  “Yep. Marie’s mom and dad are here. Apparently their daughter nearly dying made them realize that some things are more important than her dressing in a skirt. I think they’ll be okay. I heard them both call her Marie, anyway, so it’s a start. Looks like Pete’s might be full, and they are thinking they are going to need another home opening in Orlando. Finn’s getting involved in that. Oh,” Vance added, “and ENu are in big trouble. Carmichael is still suspended.”

  “I hope they get fired.”

  Vance shook his head, the amusement clear in his voice. “I can’t believe I missed it.”

  Sam looked up as Gael quietly let himself into the small office they seemed to have commandeered. “Luis is getting a little concerned, I’m sorry.”

  Sam got to his feet immediately, feeling the loss of warmth. “How long have I been?”

  “Not quite two hours. But we didn’t tell Luis what had happened. We thought it should be up to you. Oh, and you have an emergency care order granting temporary custody, so you can take Luis home whenever he is discharged and you are both ready.”

  Sam smiled gratefully.

  “Do you want me to come with you to tell him?” Vance asked.

  Sam did. He definitely did, but he just didn’t know how fair that was until he had decided how he felt about Vance.

  Chapter Twenty

  IT WAS more than a week later, and despite how much Sam tried to pull away, Vance seemed to pull him in closer every minute. They had all attended Reed’s funeral and had survived his mamá’s. He had been worried he wouldn’t be able to go to Reed’s, but Connie and Liam had stepped in, and not only did Luis have a friend, he had a mother figure. They both did.

  Vance seemed to be some sort of celebrity, both within the unit and the TPD. And it was Wednesday. Not that Wednesday in itself was particularly special, but Luis had begged, and Liam had pleaded, and Connie had cajoled… and the upshot was that Luis was staying at Connie’s all night.

  All night.

  He was going to school with Liam tomorrow. Not that Luis would actually be in Liam’s class, because as much as Luis wanted it, he had missed a lot of learning and he had a good few years to catch up on, so it was really a visit. That and the five years difference, which didn’t seem to be bothering them either.

  But that was okay.

  “I don’t believe it,” Vance said, looking at Finn in astonishment.

  “What part don’t you believe?” Talon chuckled. “That ‘Horrid Harvey’ got fired along with ‘Jerk-face Jenkins’ or that Richard Geddes is the new principal and is going to make the school completely enhanced friendly?”

  Vance beamed. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, and Sam couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable about it. Like Sam was using him. Vance was wonderful. He was every bit the big brother Luis needed and unfortunately every bit the big brother he seemed to think Sam needed.

  Which he didn’t. He just couldn’t quite slot Vance into the friend category either, because as much as he wanted to, now that he was feeling better, he was beginning to notice Vance again. Like notice notice. Well, his dick certainly was, and Sam had absolutely no idea what to do about that.

  It came down to the fact that Vance wasn’t a quick lay, an itch that wanted scratching, a roll in the hay, or any of the other clever-as-ass comments he could use. Actually, most of them weren’t clever at all. Most of them were insulting, and as much as he wanted to go there with Vance, he knew nothing about Vance was a casual anything.

  He knew Vance wanted more. He just didn’t know what he wanted, and crossing a line seemed so final. He had even caught Vance making a decision for him the other day. Okay, so it had been a small one, but Talon had asked if he needed another week, and Sam had said no, and Vance had disagreed.

  He’d really had to insist when it seemed that Talon was going to take more notice of Vance than him about a decision he should make. Finn had just looked on in amusement, which was okay for him, because everyone knew no matter how much Talon blustered, Finn was the one in charge in their relationship, and Sam had promised himself a long time ago no one but him would have any sort of power over him.

  In that respect, anyway.

  Vance stretched and patted his belly, and Sam focused on the expanse of smooth skin covered in thick hair and wanted to groan. He itched to run his fingers through the softness. He didn’t care that Talon and Finn had stopped by for dinner. Talon seemed t
o have forgiven him for treating Vance like shit, even if Sam hadn’t forgiven himself.

  The trouble was he was still going round and round in circles between what he should feel, what he wanted to feel, and what he’d allow himself to feel.

  They’d fallen asleep on the couch two nights ago after Luis had gone to bed, and Sam had woken suddenly to feel Vance holding him, and he had panicked. Completely and totally. Overwhelmed by the feeling of being crushed, he’d shot to the other side of the room before Vance had even woken up fully, and he’d managed to cover most of his reaction.

  But not all.

  Vance had been a little quiet with him the rest of that day, and it had taken all Sam’s ingenuity to get things back to normal. Actually, it had taken a homemade lasagna as well, but who was counting?

  And it was Wednesday. They did the dishes together. Sam was still in his tiny apartment, because for some unknown reason, he hadn’t liked any of the ones Vance kept showing him the details on. He had never thought it physically possible that so many cops were either also landlords themselves or best buddies with one, or their niece’s stepson’s father-in-law’s next-door neighbor had this perfect one that had just become vacant.

  Vance hadn’t commented after Sam had found anything he could wrong with the details on that last one, close to Connie and the lieutenant’s so Luis could bike ride there once Sam had unwrapped all the cotton wool from the boy.

  Vance had said that, but Sam knew Luis still had worries as well. Not as many as Sam, though.

  Finn and Talon left eventually, after confirming that Sam would start work on Monday, and finally after the kitchenette was so clean he could eat the food off the floor, he looked up to see Vance regarding him steadily.

  He had his truck keys in his hand, because even though he hated driving, he had religiously done it to see Sam and Luis every day. “I’m going to go,” he said quietly. “You seem tired.”

  VANCE THOUGHT Sam just seemed more tired every day, no matter how much Vance tried to help, tried to support him. He wanted to be there for whatever Sam or Luis needed, but as he had watched Talon and Finn tonight through the view of how much he wanted to be like them, he realized how much the gap was yawning between them. Sam was holding himself wound so tightly he might explode, and Vance didn’t seem to be helping. If anything, Vance seemed to be making it worse. He’d thought just being there and not pressuring him was the right thing to do, but maybe giving him space was what he needed.

  He wished he had an instruction booklet. How to Make Someone Fall in Love with You 101.

  He knew Luis was at his mom’s. He’d even brought some clothes for tomorrow, but he’d left them in his truck so Sam wouldn’t feel pressured.

  Sam put the sponge down next to the gleaming sink and turned around to face him. “You’re leaving?” He sounded disappointed. Did that mean he didn’t want Vance to leave?

  “You’re gonna have to give me a clue—”

  But Vance didn’t finish his sentence, because the words were swallowed when Sam launched himself at Vance and their lips met. Finally. Vance wound his arms around Sam, and Sam wound his legs around Vance. Sam kissed him for so long and so fiercely, Vance’s mind was spinning. Sam broke off and pressed his forehead to Vance’s. “I wanted to do that all evening,” he admitted breathlessly. “Take me to bed.”

  Vance took a step, still willing to carry him, but Sam slid down and pulled at Vance’s hand to follow him. “Get undressed.”

  Vance was stunned at the order but stripped so fast, he might have ripped something. He stretched out on the bed and eagerly waited for Sam to take off his clothes, but Sam didn’t. Maybe Sam wanted him to, and the thought made his dick throb urgently. He adored a bossy Sam. Actually, he adored any sort of Sam, and when he crawled up to him still fully clothed, Vance had a panicked moment he would shoot. He tried to distract himself by reaching for the zipper on Sam’s jeans, but Sam swatted his hands away. Vance might have whimpered. He’d wanted a groan, as it seemed much more masculine, but the sound that came out of his lips was too desperate.

  “Hands to yourself, big boy,” Sam whispered, and Vance blinked. He would have swallowed, but his throat was so dry, any tongue action was impossible. Or that sort of tongue action, anyway. “Turn over,” Sam ordered, and Vance did after pulling a pillow down, because he needed a little room if he was going to lie on his front so it didn’t actually hurt. Sam reached over and pulled open the nightstand drawer and grabbed the lube and a condom. Then he fiddled with his jeans, and Vance saw him unzip them and pull them down.

  Vance was almost disappointed he couldn’t do that, but Sam was probably getting everything ready. Vance took a breath and peered around to see Sam’s cock bounce as he pulled it out of his shorts. Vance did groan then, a desperate, needy noise that seemed dragged out of him, and Sam just smiled in satisfaction. Sam undid the lube and, with a quick glance at Vance, slicked his hand up and then stroked his own cock.

  Fuck. It was probably one of the most erotic things Vance had ever seen, and the knowledge of what he was going to do bloomed in his gut. He was going to top Vance. Vance’s skin prickled in realization. Apart from toys, Vance had never done this, or had it done he should say, because Sam was quite clearly enjoying himself and going ahead. Eyes tight shut, he had one hand on his dick, and the other pressed between Vance’s shoulder blades, keeping him still.

  Sam’s lips parted soundlessly, but he opened his eyes and then lifted his hand. “Stay still.”

  Like I’m going anywhere. Then he poured some more lube onto Vance’s crack, snapped the cap shut, and bent down. The first touch of his cock against Vance’s ass was incredible, but he bent so low, Vance couldn’t see his face.

  Sam splayed Vance’s cheeks wide and positioned himself, rubbing his dick forcefully. Vance swallowed, winced a little. Should he say something? Sam was going so fast, it was probably going to hurt. Vance had thought they might kiss, maybe talk for a while, tease each other. Last time Sam had said he was going to take the edge off Vance so they could take their time, but nothing about Sam showed he was doing anything but hurrying.

  As if wanting it over with as quickly as possible.

  Tightness burned in Vance’s eyes as Sam’s actions washed over him. They weren’t making love. They weren’t even having mutual pleasure. This was simply an exercise in control, and Vance didn’t know if the shame hurt even more than the knowledge of what Sam was trying to prove.

  Vance would lie down and beg for Sam, but the realization that Sam would never do the same had Vance freezing up. “Sam,” he croaked, and Sam paused for a heartbeat but then shook his head as if dismissing an idea and pressed his dick against Vance’s sensitive hole with no prep or caring, just a desperate need to prove he was in charge and the knowledge that Vance would let him do anything.

  Well, he wouldn’t.

  “Sam, stop,” Vance croaked out. Stop, or he was done.

  Sam froze, the whispered plea seeming to finally register, and then he scrambled off the bed, rushing to try and zip his pants.

  “You didn’t even take your jeans off,” Vance said, watching Sam’s cheeks flush. “I mean so little to you?”

  Sam shrugged as if he was attempting nonchalance. “We were in a hurry,” he murmured, taking a step closer.

  “No, you were in a hurry. You were just about to stick it in with no prep. Do you have any idea how much that would have hurt? I’ve only ever used toys before, which you would have known if you’d asked.” He stood up and grabbed his T-shirt from the floor, then pulled it over his head. At least he wasn’t hard anymore. He would be able to get dressed with no difficulty at all.

  “Vance.” Sam put his hand out. “I was excited—”

  “That’s the biggest load of crap I have ever heard, and you know it.”

  Sam paled.

  “And this isn’t even about love, before you say that either. This is about respect and caring for someone. Taking care of your partner.” Vance gave up an
d didn’t even pretend to stop the tears from spilling. “You are so terrified that someone is going to make you do something you don’t want to, you won’t give anyone the chance to get close.” Vance pulled on his jeans and held up his large hand. “When you look at me, you just see someone who can hold you down, not someone who desperately wants to lift you up.” The last words were whispered before Vance lost his voice.

  “Vance,” Sam tried again, but Vance shook his head and backed away.

  If he let Sam touch him now, he wouldn’t just break. He would dissolve into a million tiny shards. Vance yanked on the bedroom door, not caring when he heard the wood splinter. It would simply prove to Sam he had been right all along and Vance wasn’t to be trusted. Couldn’t be trusted to be careful, to be kind.

  “Vance, stop. Please.”

  Vance whirled around. “Why? What’s the point? You’ll never trust me. You’ll never—”

  “Love you?”

  Vance stopped breathing. His heart didn’t need the oxygen when it was so broken anyway.

  “You’re right,” Sam whispered. Vance nodded. It was such a relief in a way to know he was pining for something he could never have. “But not about the loving part.”

  Vance frowned. What?

  “All my life I had problems with my size.” He gestured to himself. “In, I guess, a similar way to you but on the opposite side of the spectrum. I’ve been bullied for so many years I became a different person to survive, and you have no idea how exhausting it is to keep up a pretense that isn’t you.” He took a step toward Vance. Vance knew he should take a step back, but he didn’t seem able to move. “I’ve watched you for months around others, and you do the same. If you could physically make yourself smaller you would, but you can’t, so you try and shrink in other ways. It hurt me to see you do that. You should be so proud of who you are, but I guess you can’t do that when you constantly have to battle against misconceptions and prejudices. We are so alike it’s ridiculous.”