I’m probably dying. I can say that on paper, not out loud. The doctors have already told me that they cannot continue treatment with chemo, my body isn’t reacting well. Instead of it killing the cancer the drugs are killing me. Next step is a bone marrow transplant and we’re on the hunt for the donor. Luke and Sam are probably taking bets on which one of them will be the perfect match. I just hope it works. The thought of dying isn’t as scary as the thought of never seeing you again. To never see my sweet Cara go through all the milestones of life that we have been talking about.
It’s funny, the things that I told myself I had my whole life to do, the things I procrastinated doing, are the very things I wish I had done. I want you to know I never thought I’d get married to anyone other than you, even when we were just friends. You would tell me that you could picture your wedding but never the man you married. It was the opposite for me. I just pictured you. You’ve been asking me to marry you, not even caring what day of the week it is or if you even have your dress. You’re willing to give up the dreams you had for your wedding all because you’re so hell bent on marrying my crazy ass that you’ll marry me in a hospital room. I’m flattered baby. So, fucking flattered. But I’m a fucking coward, because I keep telling you I’m going to get better, that when the cancer is gone you’ll get your wedding.
We’re not going to get married Cara. I want to explain why, so that when I die, you don’t hate me. I can’t leave this earth knowing that when I die, your future would die along with me. You’d be married to my spirit and to our past. You’d never look to fulfill your future. You wouldn’t remarry and have a family. You’d be alone clinging to the past. You’d sit by my head stone and talk to me as if I was standing in front of you. Time would stand still for you and before you knew it you’d be old and gray just waiting to be in the plot beside me. There would be no children and there would be no stories to tell your grandchildren. Don’t shake your head. I can picture you shaking your head, crying right now as you read this. Stop it. You know I’m right. I’m always right. Guess what I’m doing right now as I write this? I’m wiggling my eyebrows, because you know I’m right.
Seriously, babe, I don’t want that for you. I want you to live your life. Go get married, have some kids, name one of them Jake. I’ll watch over them just like I’ll always watch over you. When your husband accidentally electrocutes himself hanging Christmas lights, know I’m even looking out for that son of a bitch too. Know that I’m happy that he’s giving my girl a chance at a good life. You’ll always be my girl, lucky for him; my mom taught me how to share.
Maybe you’ll never read these letters but I have to write them anyway. I want to be there for you when I know you’ll need me the most. Just always, know I love you.
Love Always & Forever Yours,
Jake
Dear Sam and Luke,
I’m the luckiest guy around. I mean aside from the two of you, because getting to call me your brother is a pretty big deal too. Seriously, all jokes aside, you two are amazing. When I told you the latest shit this bitch cancer is pulling on me, neither one of you hesitated to jump on the “I’ll give Jake my marrow” bandwagon. I’m pretty sure you have a bet going on to see which one of you are the match. Wouldn’t it be something if you both were? Then what would we do? Flip a coin?
Anyway, I know it’s a lot to ask of either of you and I want you both to know I wouldn’t hesitate either. I’d give you both a kidney, a lung, an arm, whatever the fuck you needed to live this life as my brother and sister, I’d give and I’d give wholeheartedly.
Sam I know your squeamish and needles freak you out, (Clearing my throat because I still have yet to put ink on you because of this needle freight of yours), but if you are my match and we go through with this, I am going to draw the most amazing tattoo ever for you. It will be the best one I ever designed. I promise.
Luke if you are my match I will tattoo your name to my forehead.
I love you both,
The brother with the fucked up bone marrow.
Dear Mailman,
Today you delivered the mail and you had no idea I was standing by the door waiting for you to fill our mailbox. I bet you get that a lot though for all different reasons. I can imagine people waiting for a special package, a check they were banking on, a letter from a loved one. But did you know today you held my life in your hands when you put the mail in the Lanza mailbox?
You delivered two envelopes. One was addressed to Samantha Lanza and the other Luke Lanza. One of those letters holds the key to my existence. Is one of them a match? Do I have a shot or is D-day sooner than I thought?
You may not know me. You may not have ever put my face to name on the envelopes that read, Jake Lanza, but I will never forget you. I will never forget the face of the man who delivered my destiny.
Sincerely,
The coward too afraid to walk to the mailbox and get the mail.
Dear Nick, you dirty dog!
Okay so I know I told you no locker room talk regarding Sam but my sister pulled up to her apartment with some fancy heels and what I believe to be one of your dress shirts. Nothing else. I don’t think I want to hear the details, actually, I’m pretty sure I don’t but still I owe you a pound or a high five because you definitely made some leeway in Operation: Get in Sam’s Pants.
Christ, that’s wrong. Right? I shouldn’t be condoning it, I should be riding your ass like Luke is, telling you to stay the hell away from our sister.
I can’t do that. In my heart I believe that you two belong together. Call it a hunch or whatever the hell you want but I’ve known for a long time that there is something between the two of you. I knew even before I read Sam’s journal. (My eyes widened at my slip, keep your mouth shut or I’ll tell Luke about Sam’s outfit this morning.)
The guy with cotton in his ears in the locker room,
Jake
Dear Luke My Match,
You should know I stared at this blank page for an hour contemplating exactly what I want to say to you. I’ve come to the conclusion that after sixty-three minutes and twenty-two seconds, there are no words that will be adequate to describe what I am feeling. There are no words in the English language that are profound enough to describe how incredibly thankful I am to you. Well, at least not words that I know of. I’m sure there are a bunch but I would probably need a dictionary to find out if they even apply to what I am trying to say.
You are my match.
You are the only one who can possibly save my life.
You, my brother, once again are my hero.
Thank you isn’t enough.
I love you isn’t enough.
Nothing will ever be enough.
I’ll try my best to pay you back one day. I’ll try to repay you for the gift you’re giving me.
Love,
The one who is now trying to think of ways I’ll ever be able to one up you on this incredible gift.
Dear My Beloved Family,
I heard a song today and it made me cry. I’m a wuss. (Blame it on the fucking cancer)Anyway, the song was by Vanessa Williams. It’s called Oh How The Years Go By, and I swear to God it was written about our family.
The years have passed us by, changes have come and gone, we’ve fought, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve been through it all. The one constant in this world that is forever revolving is our love for one another. I am so completely blessed to have had you all by my side through this very difficult time. There were times I stumbled, lost my footing, felt sorry for myself, but never once have I felt alone.
Each one of you have played a certain role in this crazy journey of mine and I don’t know if I would’ve been able to get this far without you. Pop, you’ve been the best medicine and no I’m not referring to our little secret. I mean you sense of humor, your personality, it’s been the best therapy for me. Especially on the days when I want to lock myself away. You make me laugh when I’m pretty sure it’s impossible
.
Mom, you’ve been so amazing scheduling all my doctor’s appointments, researching doctors, hospitals, treatments. You’ve left no stone unturned and I know how hard that has been on you. I see it in your eyes. You want to cry. You want to scream. You want to take me in your arms and run away with me, taking me away from the misery. You are the strongest woman I know because you have been watching your son die and still you push through each day, never willing to throw in the towel. Never willing to give up on me. Amazing, you’re truly amazing.
Luke, the days I felt like giving up you reminded me I was stronger than that. What you couldn’t fix you allowed me to fix by giving me the encouragement I needed. We haven’t always seen eye to eye but we’ve always had one another’s back. Having you as my brother has been a gift. Having you be the one who can save me, another gift. If you ask me you’ve had the most significant role in all this. You’ve been by side every step of the way since the moment I learned I had cancer and you will be at my side the day of the transplant. It’s pretty cool isn’t it? You hear people who are related say all the time that they have one another’s blood running through their veins, but I really will. I really will carry a piece of you with me always.
Sam, you have given me a big boost of self-esteem. I’m not sure what I ever did to deserve it, but you look at me as if I’m your hero. I wish I was everything you believe I am but if I am a fraction of that, I’ll take it. Your love and support has been pushing me, in fear of letting you down, I push myself. I never want to let you down and know that if this story of mine comes to a close, know I went down fighting because I never wanted to let my little sister down. I always wanted to be your hero.
I don’t have the right to ask anything else of you guys but still I am. I want you to promise me that you will always be close like you are. Always be there for one another just as you’ve been there for me. Don’t change the values of our family. Always welcome others in, allowing them too to become part of the Lanza clan. Be proud of one another and be proud of the family you are a part of. The Lanza’s set the bar as to what a beautiful loving family can be, always embrace that.
Various people have told me countless times throughout my life, how lucky I am to have all of you. I really am the lucky one, but you all are too. You will get through the loss of me because you have each other. You will prevail because Lanza’s don’t give up.
I love you all,
Jake Lanza (Proud to be too)
Dear Nick A.K.A Sam’s Chaperone,
You are very welcome! (I’m going to pretend you thanked me for coming up with the brilliant plan of having you escort Ava and Sam to Atlantic City.) I’m not going to lie I’m a little pissed off that you gave me the evil eye when I suggested the idea. You do realize that you should be kissing the ground I walk on right now don’t you? Man, I opened all sorts of doors for you! Just don’t get freaky in front of my niece or I’ll have to slap you around. Just because my ass is riddled with, cancer doesn’t mean I can’t get down. (Go ahead laugh, I am.)
So I get it, you and Sam want to be close when the transplant goes down but I it’s going to be smooth sailing my brother. Luke is going to be the one who is out of commission so it’s best that Ava is off doing something she loves so that he can regroup. See? Brilliant. Not only does Luke get a little R&R or whatever one calls it when they suck the bone marrow out of you and you’re all fucked up, but you get a little get away with Sam. Granted, Ava will be there, and you are going to a dance competition but the way I see it there is still some time to get under her skin. Man, you need to step up your game because this is taking entirely too long. You do realize I might kick the bucket right? PUT THE PEDAL TO METAL!
Ha! I just realized you have a hell of a long drive ahead of you with a girl who is fighting the fact she loves you. You are fucked. I’m sorry.
No, I’m not.
You’re welcome. (Don’t fuck this chance up, I don’t know if I can give you another.)
Very Truly Yours,
Chuck Woolery Aka Jake the Matchmaker
Dear Cara,
Today was the first time in months I saw the old Cara. The Cara who wasn’t burdened by my cancer. (Ducking because I can picture you swinging at me after that line) It’s true. Maybe burden isn’t the word you’d choose but nonetheless it works for what I’m trying to say. As much as Cancer has changed me, it’s changed you too. You live in constant fear these days. I suppose I shouldn’t blame you but that isn’t all that’s changed. You are forever holding a grudge against my brother.
This morning was the first time you genuinely smiled at Luke. It wasn’t forced and there wasn’t that bitter look in your eyes. You looked at him as if he wasn’t only my salvation but yours as well. It took me a while to understand why you were harboring so much resentment for him but once I had realized it was too late to reverse the damage I had ultimately caused.
I tried to pinpoint the day where it all changed and for the life of me, I couldn’t. The day I raced on the track for the first time, I remember looking up at the stands and watching the two of you laugh. I remember thinking how much I liked it. We’re family. All of us. Family sticks together through thick and thin. It made my heart heavy to see my brother easily getting along with the woman I love. I remember thinking everything was right in the world. I had my brother there cheering me on, opening up to me, and the women who means everything to me. I had the two people I worry about the most in my circle, united. I struggle to hold onto that memory because since that day there isn’t another memory of the two of you like that. Everything afterwards seems strained.
You seem to forget that I know you better than I know anyone. I know that when you smile at Luke or simply acknowledge his existence it’s for show. You are angry with him and I think that you possibly feel betrayed by him. I’ve asked you a thousand times what happened between the two of you and you’ve brushed it off each and every time.
It’s my fault. The day that I found out, I had cancer I felt as if I had already died. I never told you how it all went down. I never told you how I broke down in the parking lot and cried with my brother. I remember pulling back and staring into my brother’s eyes. He looked so helpless, so unbelievably out of control. He died too in that parking lot. A piece of Luke died after I told him that I had cancer, the piece that could get his little brother out of whatever mess he created this time.
Once the shock had settled in and we had realized that I was about to break my parents hearts, he reminded me that I was about to shatter yours too. I asked him not to tell you. I asked him to send you away that day. I asked him. I pleaded with him. Cara, I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to tell you. You looked at me as if I was invincible. No one has ever looked at me like that before. I was never someone else’s everything. I didn’t want to let you down. I didn’t want to break your heart and I didn’t want you to look at me as if I wasn’t invincible.
It warmed my heart to see you genuinely hug Luke today when he revealed he was my match. It was as if the grudge you held against him disappeared. Everything was right again for that moment. I think for you, Luke, took me away from you that day. I think you thought he shut you out even if it was just for a small amount of time. Yet, today he gave me back to you.
Baby, what I’m trying to get at here is that, shit happens. Things go haywire when we don’t expect them to. Luke has a lot of pressure on him right now. For fuck’s sake without this transplant I’m as good as dead but I’ll say it again, shit happens. There are no guarantees. This might work and it might not. If it doesn’t, please don’t blame Luke. He’s doing everything he possibly can to keep me here with you. It won’t be his fault if the transplant doesn’t take, just as it wasn’t his fault he turned you away that day.
Love You Always and Forever,
Jake
Dear Mr. Responsible A.K.A. Luke,
You’re a pain in the ass you know that? I have basically managed to come up with some sort
of piece of me to leave everyone that matters to me. Except you. You are a pain in the ass. I’ve thought about sending you on a vacation after I’m gone, but the truth is you probably won’t take off work to go on it and I’d roll over in my grave, so that’s out. I am completely stumped. I was going to send someone to pop Marie’s tires but that bitch isn’t worth my time. Especially, since mine seems to be running out. (And really, that’s not how I want you to remember me)
So what do I do for you, big brother? Do I give you a get out of responsibility free card? What can I do for you when I’m gone that you will know I’m doing with my whole heart? What gift can I possibly give to you that would complete you? It has to be big too because you’re giving me your damn bone marrow! Christ, the pressure.
Have no fear I will figure something out. I’m going to give you the best gift of your life if it’s the last thing I do!
Love,
Your pissed off UNRESPONSIBLE Brother
Dear Cara’s Mouth,
I’m a man of my word. I bet you didn’t really think I was going to dedicate an entire letter to you, but when I say I’m going to do something, I do it. Especially, where you’re concerned. (Insert eyebrow wiggle, does it work for you, the way your pout works on me?) I can still remember the first time our lips locked. I had been curious as to what kissing you would be like. Would your lips be soft? Would you taste as sweet as I imagined you would? Would kissing you be awkward?
Jake' Journal: The Riverdale Series Companion Page 4
