Garden of Goodbyes

by Faith Andrews

  That’s when I decided it wouldn’t kill me to see things through her eyes for a change. To grow up a little, stop being green with envy, settle for second best—even if only for her sake. So when she took my hand, closed her eyes, and nodded her approval that we were good, I really believed we were and I truly intended to make her proud.

  Turned out, though, you couldn’t teach an old dog new tricks.

  I MEASURED TIME BY WHAT Eden was up to. As a small child, before I was in school myself, the hours ticked by as I waited anxiously—my father passed out on the couch or off at some odd job, and Agnes watching her stupid soaps and paying me no mind—until she came charging off the school bus to tell me about her day. I hated being away from her. She was my one friend, the only one who paid me any mind, so I sucked up every second I could get with her just to fill the ache of loneliness I’d been cursed with from birth.

  As we got older, things started to change. It was evident from early on that I was the troubled one and Eden was the wholesome one, but it was no longer fun to live in her shadow. You see, that shadow used to keep me safe from William and the wicked world. As I ripened into a young lady, I wanted to escape from Eden’s fantasy land where good always prevailed over evil. I’d learned that was a crock of shit and I rebelled because emulating Eden never seemed to do me any good. I figured I might actually have some fun on the dark side. I watched the clock, hoping Eden would turn in to bed early so I could sneak out and get into the trouble she warned me to stay away from.

  Over the last few years, with Eden away at college, I’d become free from the weight of that clock, however. I came and went as I pleased, did whatever I wanted, with whomever I wanted, wherever I wanted. All that changed, though, after that conversation in our kitchen when I swore things would be better and she had an incredible change of heart, promising to include me in her life. We managed to maintain a solid sisterly relationship during Eden’s spring semester. We spoke regularly over the phone and I was thrilled to know I had my big sister back. But once again, I was a slave to the time according to Eden.

  I found myself missing her when she was gone for classes or visiting Lennox. I was terribly lonely again. My job at the restaurant kept me busy and I really was trying to stay on the right track to prove to Eden that I meant what I said. I loved her, wanted to make her proud, and needed her as a constant rather than getting by on sporadic, fleeting occurrences. So the few friends I did have, I kept at arm’s length, not wanting to fall back into old habits. It worked for the most part, but much like a kid counting the days until Christmas or their birthday, I anticipated Eden’s return for summer break with burgeoning expectations.

  Dad hadn’t been home in three whole days and I purposely took the day off from work, knowing Eden would be arriving. I was alone. Idle. And you know what they say about the idle mind. It was in those moments of solitude that I was most jealous of Eden for having a life and leaving me behind. It was in those moments of desperate lonesomeness that I most missed getting high. Tick tock, tick tock . . . silence. I shook off the urge and settled for a cigarette, mindlessly flipping through the channels as my leg jerked up and down. Waiting and waiting and waiting.

  Daylight slowly faded, the sun losing its fervor and morphing from a bright yellow to a somber orange. I was about ready to give up on Eden walking through the front door when I heard the car pull up outside. Like a neglected puppy, eager for his master to return and rub his belly, I jumped off the couch and ran to the window.

  She’s here! Not since those days when I watched her coming down the path off the school bus had I been so excited to wrap my arms around her and welcome her home. I quickly snubbed out the cigarette in an ash tray and waved the odor of the smoke away with my hand. Straightening the wrinkles out of the pale blue sundress Eden had handed down to me, I bounced to the screen door and swung it open.

  “Welcome home!” I shouted from the steps, ready to barrel down the entire short flight in one bound.

  And that’s when I noticed she’d brought someone with her.

  Disappointment that I wouldn’t have her all to myself after so much time apart zinged my gut. I wasn’t her only friend, her only outlet, her only anything. She had other people and other things that meant something to her. Others besides me. A burning resentment for those other people and other things made me want to stalk off, get stupid, and pretend I didn’t just spend the last three hours staring out the window, waiting for her. But when I realized who it was in the passenger seat of her car, my eyes went wide and a new wave of excitement gushed through me. She brought Lennox . . . home!

  “Hey, V. William’s still not home, is he?” She met me at the foot of the steps with a kiss on the cheek and a wary look on her beautiful face. With coffee-colored locks naturally highlighted by streaks of amber done in a simple braid that hung over one shoulder, she looked youthful. The tone of her question added to her innocence, too. Also made it clear why Lennox was still in the car and not by her side being formally introduced to me. She avoided our father at all costs. It was how she stayed sane, but even at the mention of him it was clear she reverted back to a time when our father had authority over everything that went on under his roof.

  “Nope. Coast is clear.” It was a phrase we used often when we were kids. I hoped it put her at ease.

  When her features softened and her smile reached her soft chocolate eyes, I knew I’d done my job. Finally pulling me in for a real welcome home, Eden wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. “Hey, sis.”

  Warmth enveloped me because the person I loved most in the world was reciprocating that affection. She was home. We could spend the whole summer together, make up for lost time, create new happy memories to smother the sting of the old. I squeezed her back, realizing I was the happiest I’d been in a long time simply because she was here.

  Maybe I was pathetic for allowing Eden’s comfort and approval to mean so much to me. Maybe I was weak for needing it. In hindsight, maybe that exact desperation for her love was my undoing. Was I good enough? Smart enough? Helping out around the house enough? Compassionate enough? When you shadowed a saint, you tended to fall short.

  It was clear I hadn’t been any of those things for my father, so I threw all my efforts into Eden. Problem number one. They say people who sought out approval were addicts in a way. We craved admiration from those we loved, and we’d do anything to get that buzz that came from gaining that person’s praise. But like any other addiction, on the other end of the high was the withdrawal. The downfall. The heavy weight and consequence of disapproval.

  When Eden disapproved, the pain was excruciating. It was the equivalent to reluctantly coming off a heroin binge or a stint with oxy. And rather than dope myself back up with the very “drug” that fed my addiction, sometimes I did the exact opposite. I acted out just to get her attention and went for something even more potent. Problem number two. I knew it was out of spite. It was childish and selfish. But a junkie did anything for her next fix.

  The whole situation was all kinds of fucked up. I was an addict in so many ways it was sickening. And the vicious cycle was sure to continue. There was no end in sight, because today’s dose of Eden was euphoric and I intended to savor it for as long as I could.

  The words that escaped her lips next were more blissful than any hit of E and sweeter than a bump of cocaine.

  “There’s someone I want you to meet,” she whispered into the crook of my neck, sending those shivers of drug induced enchantment through my veins.

  Phone conversations had filled me in on her relationship with Lennox, but that paled in comparison to wanting a chance to witness it firsthand. And this was finally that chance. She was actually bringing him around, taking this step to introduce Lennox to this aspect of her life. It was an emotional overload. I wanted to jump up and down and cry all at the same time. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did both by the time Lennox made his way inside.

  “I’d love that,” I said, composing myself so I didn
’t seem as eager as I felt.

  That was Eden’s cue to call Lennox from the car. As we waited for him to emerge, her hand traveled down my arm, reaching my fingers and intertwining them. What that meant to me—I couldn’t even put it in to words. It was validation, all I’d ever needed to feel accepted by this person I idolized.

  Lennox stepped out of the car, bigger and better than the last time I saw him while trying to pull that stupid stunt months ago. My cheeks tinged with warmth at the memory and I hoped with all hope that he’d forgotten my pitiful bid for his attention.

  As he made his way closer, green was the first thing that registered. A forest of moss and pine trapped in two beautiful globes. Those eyes smiled with overwhelming devotion for the woman he set them on—my sister—and then sparkled with intrigue as they settled on me.

  “So, she is real.” He spoke with his arm around Eden, his timbre deep and rugged. His commanding stature and the rumble of his gut-deep chuckle should’ve been intimidating, but they weren’t. I stopped myself from clapping my hands and throwing my arms around him for a long overdue hug.

  “I would say the same about you, except your face is plastered in the newspaper so often I had no choice but to believe you existed outside the realm of Eden’s imagination.” My hand flew to my hip, my innate sassiness too hard a habit to break.

  Eden stared up at him with a loving smile as he extended his hand to me. “Well, it’s nice to finally meet you—without your boobs in my face.”

  I stifled a laugh, mortification gripping me with a squeeze. Before I could answer with a clever comeback or an overdue apology, Eden squealed. “Lennox!” She smacked her dainty hand against her boyfriend’s burly chest. If he felt even a faint flutter from her assault, I’d be surprised. On second thought, I was more shocked Eden’s hand wasn’t broken from her attempt to scold him.

  “What? Too soon?” Lennox’s mouth turned up in a heart-stopping smile and his face illuminated as he and Eden teased each other with whispers and intimate touches.

  Their playful banter and obvious closeness made me feel like an outsider to some kind of inside joke. Panic set in, as it does for most self-deprecating people, and I immediately felt like running away from my discomfort. Running away or smoking some herb. Anything to make my unwanted paranoia disappear.

  Had one more minute passed with my insecurities getting the best of me, I would’ve made an excuse to leave them to each other, but Eden swooped in and saved the day. Very Eden-like, indeed. “Lennox, why don’t you get my bags and then join us inside. This is long overdue, and while we have a William-free zone, we should talk to Violet about what you and I discussed in the car.” Eden stretched up on tip-toes to adorn him with a peck on the lips. He went in for more, snaking an arm around her waist, but then left her all dreamy-eyed when he turned toward the car with a crunch of gravel underneath his feet.

  “God, I love that boy,” she swooned when he was out of earshot.

  “Yeah, it’s kinda obvious.” I arched a brow and restrained from making a gagging gesture.

  “Well, judge all you want, but you’ll love him, too. You’ll see. Lennox has an irresistible charm that no one can resist.”

  As she hung her arm over my shoulder and ushered me inside, I had no way of knowing that what she just said was one of the truest statements ever spoken. In our moment of happiness and our bubble of naiveté, there was no way to foresee that Lennox’s irresistible charm and my inability to resist would be the undoing of us all.

  Past

  SHORTLY AFTER EDEN GAVE LENNOX the two-bit tour of our shithole, they settled in the best they could and we came together in the musty living room to have the sit down my sister forced upon us.

  “So, what do you think?” Eden beamed.

  I didn’t know what to think. There was so much said, so much to wrap my head around, too much to decide.

  “This’s a lot to process, E.” Even that was an understatement. And although the answer to her proposition should’ve flown off my tongue without a moment’s hesitation, a decision like this couldn’t be made impulsively.

  Eden’s caramel eyes darted from mine to Lennox’s before she started in again. “Promise me you’re at least thinking about it. I know it’s not what we had planned, but . . . Well, what do you have planned?”

  She had a point there, but I’d be damned if I admitted that. “You know I don’t think past the day I’m in.”

  Lennox looked down at his hands and chuckled, obviously taking a liking to my snarky response. I found it hard to believe Eden wore the pants in their relationship, being he was a big, husky football player and all, but every time I disagreed with my sister or challenged her in any way, his lips curled up at the ends and sort of egged me on.

  He and I shared a furtive, mischievous glance before Eden brought us both back to reality. “Well, it’s about time you do. We’re not kids anymore, Violet. William has no hold over us, no rights even. I’m offering you something . . . We’re offering you something anyone in your position would accept with zero reservations.”

  While she was right, as always, her summation of what little my future promised pricked deep. Knowing she considered me a hopeless cause without her and Lennox’s charity made me want to numb myself for days on end. A stiff drink, a random fuck buddy, a few pills to alleviate the pain of hearing my hero admit I was a failure.

  I shot up from my seat on the couch, suddenly defensive and in need of a smoke. “You’re a real fucking buzzkill. You know that?” My choice of words sucked, but they were true. The initial joy that surged through my veins from the reunion with my sister and then the official introduction to Lennox was ripped away by this entire conversation.

  Yanking a cigarette from the pack on top of the TV, I lit up and sucked in a long puff of the soothing poison. Staring out the window, listening to silence in the form of words and insults unspoken, my anger dissipated and the truth set it. I’d be stupid not to take them up on their offer. What did I have to lose? My pride was already holding on by a thread as a result of so many prior fuckups and poor decisions. This house was not a home, as Eden had always put it. And my father was the furthest thing from a parent to either of us. Why should I stay? Why shouldn’t I leave this shithole and follow Eden and Lennox on their journey to fulfill their dreams? I had none of my own to consider. I was a realist, not the romantic my sister had always been. I had no grand plans for the future, nothing to look forward to or wake up every day and strive for. I should go. Leave. Never look back.

  What the hell was holding me back from saying yes?

  “Violet.” His voice broke me from my mental struggle; calmed my warring mind with its soft but masculine tone.

  I spun to face him. He’d risen from the couch and come to join me at the window. Eden was still stoic in her seat on the sunken-in couch. She kneaded her hands together, her lips a straight line. She’d offered me a future and yet here I was wanting to hate her for it. Would I always have to be saved by Eden?

  “What?” I barked, taking my problems with my sister out on Lennox.

  Lennox stared down at our feet for a moment and then fixed his eyes back on me, sympathy bleeding from every fleck of magnificent green. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed before he spoke softly. “Eden told me all about your childhood. About Agnes and Wi—Hell, I don’t even want to speak the bastard’s name.” He paused, his fists balling at his sides at the mention of my father. The anger was fleeting, however, when he referred to my other parent. “I know about your mom, Violet. I know about it all. All the hurt, and neglect—shit, no child should have to suffer at the hands of the people who are supposed to love her most.”

  Memories came flooding in, and out of nowhere, so did the tears. They didn’t come often because I was a master at forcing them away, but there was something about the compassion in Lennox’s voice, how much he loved my sister, what he’d helped her overcome . . . My heart could only handle so much in one day and it was teeming with emotion.
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  “It’s all your fault, you little shit! All your fault.” His breath was stinky, like that stuff he liked to drink out of those brown glass bottles. The white parts of his eyes were all watery and red. He looked like a monster. But his words were the scariest. They always were. Why did he hate me so much?

  “I-I-I’m sorry.” I put my hands in front of my face, shaking because he was so close. Too close. And so angry. I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for, but sometimes when I did he went away and left me alone. Until he was angry again.

  “No! Stop!” Eden ran in with a slam of the screen door, shoving herself between me and our father before he could use his hands for more hurt. “Get away from her!”

  She’d come to my rescue so many times I’d gotten used to expecting her to appear out of nowhere, like now. She was magic.

  “Shut up! Stay out of this. This is between me and her.” Daddy shoved her aside, but Eden didn’t fall. She was so strong. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. Daddy didn’t yell at her as much. I wanted that, too. Eden was my hero.

  “No,” she bit out. “I’m here now. Just go away . . . Sleep it off . . . She didn’t do anything.” Eden looked around the kitchen and noticed the mess I’d made. She didn’t look angry at me. Just scrunched her eyes into small slits as she spoke to him.

  Daddy’s grip on my arms wasn’t as tight anymore. I escaped and ran into her arms, explaining about the mess. “I was trying to make dinner for all of us. I wanted to help. I couldn’t reach the plates up on the shelf so I used the chair and . . . and . . . I fell and broke a few.”