Forever Right Now

by Emma Scott

  “The kiss is supposed to come at the end of the date, but I can’t help myself,” he said, his voice gruff, his eyes dark and so beautiful in the dim light.

  “You don’t have to stop,” I whispered, kissing him again. “We don’t have to go out. We can stay here. Go upstairs and…”

  Not say a word.

  “God, you have no idea how badly I want that.” He kissed my neck, my cheek, just under my ear. He pinned me to the wall with his body and my hips adjusted to him on their own so that he fit so perfectly against me. His erection brushed me between my legs.

  “Or maybe you have some idea…” he said hoarsely.

  I pressed my body into his as his hand slid up my thigh, to the lacy thong I wore beneath the dress. One more moment, one more touch and he would take me upstairs, and it would be too late to tell him. I wouldn’t have to. It would be so easy…

  “Jesus,” Sawyer whispered. He backed off so that the only place we touched was his forehead pressed to mine, and his hands on my hips, bracing himself. “Okay, wait,” he said. “I want to take you out. I’m going to take you out.” He grinned sheepishly. “Just give me a minute.”

  My heart ached at that grin, one that I don’t think many people saw. He was so serious, so stressed, all the time. But with me he smiled and made jokes and let himself be a little bit vulnerable.

  And once I told him what I’d done, it would all go away.

  I took his handsome face in my hands. “Do you ever wish you could take a moment and keep it forever? Like right now…how you taste on my mouth, and your hands on me, and your eyes…God, Sawyer, the way you’re looking at me… If I could have just one moment, one feeling, and live in it forever, I would choose this one.”

  Sawyer’s brows came together, his smile tilting. “No one’s ever said anything to me like that before.” His hands came up to take mine. “But you look...sad. Is everything okay?”

  The words came to my lips and I nearly let them out. I drew in a breath…and let that out instead.

  “Yes, sure. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I’m hungry, I guess. We can go. We should go.”

  Sawyer held the door for me, and I walked down to the street, wishing for San Francisco’s allegedly famous cold wind to slap some sense into me. But the heat wave was lingering long enough that I hardly needed my coat.

  “The restaurant isn’t far,” he said. “We could walk or Uber. Up to you.”

  “Let’s walk,” I said. Maybe, I thought, if I kept moving my body, I could work out the nerves and be able to talk. “So…where is Olivia tonight?”

  “Jackson took her over to Henrietta’s,” Sawyer said. “Olivia knows her. Before I moved to the old Vic and was blessed with the miracle of Elena, Henrietta did all my babysitting.”

  “Have you lived in the Victorian long?”

  “Almost a year now. When Olivia’s mom left her with me, I had to move there.”

  “Why?

  “Jackson and I, and some buddies of ours, had a killer place on Stanyon Street. Big parties every month. Not a place to raise a baby.”

  “No, I guess not,” I said.

  His expression took on a tint of faint wistfulness, as if he were talking about something he’d had that was gone forever.

  “All of UC Hastings showed up at our parties. They all had costume themes, like Marvel heroes, favorite musicians, evil-doers. No costume, no admittance.”

  “Evil-doers?”

  “Yeah, you had to dress as a villain. From anything; movies, comics, TV, books…It was awesome.” He chuckled. “One time, a chick showed up dressed as Lizzie Borden and brought her own axe.”

  “A real axe?”

  “We confiscated that pretty quickly. Axes and tequila do not mix.” The wistful look came over his face again. “Yeah, those were fun times. Seems like a lifetime ago. Olivia’s lifetime ago.”

  “Do you miss it?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I do,” he said. “But she’s worth it. No more parties for me.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I said, keeping my gaze firmly on the sidewalk sliding under my boots. “I used to party pretty hard.”

  There. That was the truth. Ish.

  “Yeah?” Sawyer asked. “If I had an Evil-Doer party next weekend, who would you come as?”

  A convict.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Catwoman, I think. Michelle Pfeiffer’s version.”

  Sawyer’s grin turned sly. “I wouldn’t mind seeing you in that costume.”

  I managed a smile.

  “She’s not truly evil though,” I said. “She’s vulnerable too, which is why I like her. But I think it would be nice to maybe not care so much about everything all the time. It’s not always easy being the good guy, especially when being good or nice is so often mistaken for being weak.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I shook my head. “I’m nice at the spa, I’m nice with the dance troupe, but I can’t seem to do anything right with either group.”

  Sawyer scowled. “Why not? Are they being assholes to you?”

  “No, just…indifferent.”

  His scowl deepened. “I find it hard to believe that anyone could be indifferent where you’re concerned.”

  His hand closed around mine, holding on to me just as tightly as I held on to him, and maybe I was weak and cowardly, but it felt too good to let go.

  The street around us had changed from rows of old houses to a bustling city. The restaurant, Nopa, was a squat building that looked somewhat plain on the outside, but I could tell even before I saw the menu on the outer wall that it was a ‘nice place,’ as my Grandma Bea would say. The kind where your food didn’t come with a side of vegetables; you had to order them separately.

  I turned to Sawyer.

  “Hey, how about pizza and a walk along the Pier? And ice cream sundaes after?”

  Sawyer’s smile tilted again. “You don’t like the menu…?”

  “It looks amazing. But…I don’t want you to spend a lot of money on me.”

  “The reservations are made,” he said. “And I told you, I want to. I don’t want to be cheap or…tacky. I want to take you out and have a nice dinner. I want to talk and then maybe take a walk somewhere, and kiss you goodnight at your door, and leave it at that.” He brushed the backs of his fingers down my cheek. “You’re not like any other girl, Darlene. I’m not…indifferent about you.”

  I swallowed and blinked hard. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, Sawyer.”

  “Maybe not, but this is for me too. I’ve never been on a real date, remember?” His charming grin reappeared. “You going to deprive me of the experience?”

  I managed a smile. “How could I do that?”

  He held the door open for me. “After you.”

  The interior of Nopa was industrial chic, with cement floors and elegant booths in gray leather. Amber lights cast a golden hue over the crowds that talked and laughed over pork chops or roasted salmon.

  A host ushered us to a table for two, and I sat across from Sawyer, a candle flickering between us. We opened our menus and my stomach dropped. The prices weren’t outrageous but this was definitely a ‘nice’ restaurant. Even the beers were expensive and had eccentric names.

  A waiter in a black apron approached us. “Something to drink?”

  Sawyer looked to me. “Would you like wine?”

  My gaze darted to the wine list and the double-digit—and triple digit—numbers beside the bottles.

  “No, thank you,” I said and smiled weakly. “Not a fan.”

  Sawyer smiled back. “A Coke with three cherries, maybe?”

  “I’ll just have water for now.”

  “I’ll have a Death and Taxes Lager,” Sawyer told the waiter. “I don’t think I have a choice.”

  “Inevitable,” the waiter agreed, and the two men chuckled at the joke.

  Inevitable, I thought. What a horrible word.

  It was inevitable that Sawyer would have to know about my past. If
we continued seeing each other he’d have to know where I went three nights a week. If he needed me to babysit on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday, I couldn’t do it, and he’d want to know why.

  And then there’s the whole ‘being your honest self’ thing. You might want to try that.

  I looked over at Sawyer, devastating in black and white, and the inevitable felt impossible.

  “God, you look…so handsome right now,” I said.

  “Thank you…”

  “I’m not kidding. Your mouth…God. You have the most beautiful mouth.”

  Sawyer shook his head, laughing. “Okay, wow. Every time I think I’m used to how direct you are…”

  “I’m not always direct. Not when it counts. But I’m very serious about your mouth. And when you kissed me…I’ve never been kissed like that before. I’ve never been smiled at by a man the way you’re smiling at me now. It’s almost too much.”

  Sawyer’s smile froze on his face then wilted as tears filled my eyes.

  “Darlene, what’s wrong?”

  “It is too much.” I set my menu down. “This place. It’s too nice. Too much for you to spend on me.”

  “It’s not…”

  “It is, because…” The words choked my throat. “It’s not fair to you.”

  Sawyer frowned. “What are you talking about? I want to be here with you. I want to spend money on you and—”

  I shook my head vigorously, my tears falling faster now. “No. No, you shouldn’t. You work so hard and you take such good care of Livvie, and I’m just…I’m not what you think, and I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I’m so sorry, but I have to go. I have to…”

  The waiter returned. “Are you ready to order?”

  “No, I have to go.”

  I rose to my feet, and my chair scraped loudly. Diners at other tables were looking at us. The waiter’s eyebrows rose.

  “Darlene…” Sawyer leaned over the table. “What’s going on?”

  “I can’t do this. It’s not right and I just… can’t.”

  I grabbed for my purse on the back of the chair but the damn thing was snagged.

  The nearby diners were snickering and murmuring now.

  “No, no, it’s not him,” I said loudly. “It’s not him. He’s wonderful. He is…” I looked to Sawyer who was staring at me in a kind of mild shock. “You are, Sawyer. You’re wonderful, and I’m so sorry.”

  I yanked my purse off, knocking my chair over, and stumbled out of the restaurant.

  “Darlene, wait.”

  Outside, I walked faster, my boots clopping on the cement, and then a hand closed around my arm.

  “Darlene, come on.” Sawyer pulled me to a stop and turned me to look at him. “You’re scaring me. What just happened?”

  “Nothing,” I said, and that was so obviously a lie, I cringed at my own cowardice. “I can’t tell you. I can’t. Please…I need to go.”

  “No,” he said, his dark eyes hardening. “You need to tell me what the hell is going on.” His expression softened slightly. “Are you okay? Tell me.”

  “I…I can’t…” I whispered. “I don’t want to…”

  Sawyer’s jaw clenched and he looked away for a moment. “Is there…another guy?” he asked tightly.

  I froze, the absurdity of it shocking me. “What? No…”

  “Is it what’s his name? Max?”

  “No, nothing like that.”

  “Are you sure? You mentioned him a couple of times and he’s always texting you…”

  Sawyer bit off his words, and carved his hand through his hair.

  “Dammit, Darlene, I don’t want to be that guy. The jealous asshole. So I never asked about Max or where you go some nights. It wasn’t my place, but then our moment in the dance studio happened, and now it feels like it is my place. I mean…I’m not saying you can’t see other people. We haven’t figured anything out. But I have to be honest, if you are seeing other people, it would fucking suck, okay? And I think you should tell me, so I know the score.” He held his hands out, a hard, joyless smile playing over his lips. “So there. I guess I’m a jealous asshole after all.”

  The tears blurred my eyes so I almost couldn’t see him. “You...you would be jealous if I were seeing someone else?”

  “Jesus, do I have to say it again?” Sawyer gave an incredulous shake of his head. “What the hell, Darlene, just tell me.”

  “I’m scared,” I whispered. “I’m scared that if I tell you what I need to tell you, you’ll never look at me like you looked at me tonight.” My lips trembled over a teary smile. “I just wanted that for a little bit longer, you know? That feeling…?”

  Sawyer held my gaze a moment, and then swallowed hard. “Darlene,” he said gruffly. “I haven’t so much as touched a woman in almost a year. You’re the first. Because I care about…I think about you…”

  He clenched his teeth and carved his hand through his hair again.

  “Fucking hell, I can’t talk about what I feel. I don’t. I never do. My life has been Olivia and law school and keeping my goddamn head above water. And that’s it. And then you came along and now everything’s different. It’s better. It’s better, Darlene, when I’d sort of given up on being happy.”

  “Oh, God, don’t say that,” I whispered. “Or no, I want you to. Part of me wants you to keep talking because it’s incredible to me that I could…be that for someone. For you. But it makes this so much harder.”

  He looked to the ground and planted his hands on his hips, bracing himself. “Just tell me the truth. Are you seeing someone else?”

  “No,” I said. “I—”

  A text came in on my phone, and I knew without looking it was Max. He’d gotten the news about his transfer. I froze and Sawyer’s expression hardened to stone. The rare vulnerability in his eyes vanished. He was walling himself up, second by ticking second. Another chime came, and then my phone rang.

  “It’s him, isn’t it?” Sawyer said.

  “Yes. But he’s not… I’m not dating him. I’m not dating anyone.”

  “Then who is he?”

  “A friend, I promise. He’s… not what you think.”

  Sawyer held up his hands as he walked backward a few steps. “I don’t know what to think.” My phone rang on and on. “You should get that,” he said, then turned and strode away.

  I watched him go, the words to call him back stuck in my throat. My phone went quiet, then started ringing again. I fished it out of my bag.

  “Hi, Max,” I said softly.

  “Hey, Dar.” He sounded breathless and exhilarated. “I’m calling you first. Before my other friends or anyone…I had to tell you. It doesn’t feel real until I tell you.”

  “You got the job.”

  “I got the job. They say I might have to leave at any time. Whenever the paperwork is finalized and something about a contact in Seattle, but holy shit, I got it.”

  I sagged against Nopa’s wall, my shoulders hunched against the world. “I’m so happy for you. I’m so happy and yet completely crushed at the same time.”

  “I know,” he said. “I’m sorry and yet I have to thank you.”

  “Thank me? Why—?”

  “Oh shit, wait. You’re on your date with Sawyer the Lawyer, aren’t you? Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I got so excited and completely forgot everything else. Fuck, I’m so sorry…”

  I shook my head. “It’s okay. It’s over now.”

  It’s all over.

  “What’s wrong? What happened?”

  “I can’t tell him, Max,” I whispered. “I can’t. I try and the words stick. He’ll look at me like everyone else in my family does, and I’ll die a little inside.” I huffed a breath, wiped my nose on the back of my hand. “He thinks you and I are dating.”

  “You wish,” Max said, coaxing a small laugh out of me. His voice softened. “Dar, you have to tell him the truth. You know you do.”

  “I know,” I said. “You’re right. You were right about everything.”
<
br />   “Of course I was, but it’s so hard to keep track. What else was I right about?”

  “You know that emotional rock bottom you keep talking about?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m standing at the edge of it, staring right down into it. Teetering,” I said, my voice hardly a whisper. “It’ll just take one push and…”

  “And?”

  “I’m going to fall in.”

  Sawyer

  I walked back to the Victorian alone, cursing myself for letting the whole night fall apart; the ruination of what had the makings of a perfect night was a bitter pill I couldn’t swallow. I’d never let myself care about a woman before. My mother’s death made caring too much seem like a dangerous proposition. I already lived with the constant fear Molly would show up any minute and try to fight me for Olivia. That kind of strain on my heart was already too much, but Darlene…

  “Fuck,” I muttered.

  She’d gotten past every one of my usual defenses so now the mere idea of her with another man felt like a goddamn knife in my chest.

  She was upset and you walked away.

  Like an instinct, the steely cage around my heart was resurrecting itself, reforming minute by minute. I’d been stupidly optimistic, I told myself. Taken my eye off the prize and got knocked on my ass for it.

  Henrietta had planned to keep Olivia all night, but I went and got her, muttering some excuse about Darlene being under the weather and having to cancel.

  I took my daughter home, fed her dinner, and put her to bed.

  “Just you and me,” I told her, brushing the brown curls from her eyes as she drifted to sleep. “I’m going to take care of you, Livvie. We’re almost at the finish line, aren’t we?”

  I put on sleep pants and a T-shirt, and sat at my desk, my study materials arrayed in front of me. I had one last final, Judge Miller’s assignment, and the damn bar exam. I didn’t need any more distractions.

  I tried to focus on my studies, but my stupid heart felt bruised, and when I heard her footsteps on the stairs going up, I fought the urge to bolt out of my chair and confront Darlene. Or comfort her. I didn’t know which.