Million Pound Appointments

by Higgins, Malcolm

  Ken ignores him.

  "What about dogs? Does he like dogs?"

  "No." He instantly replies.

  "You didn't even fucking ask him." Ken shouts as he pushes Rajeev back on the sofa.

  "What else have we got here?" Ken asks Larry and Craig.

  They shrug their shoulders. In Ken's line of work you need eyes in the back of your head, because you never know who might be creeping up on you. Good peripheral vision is a prerequisite for a successful criminal. It'll determine whether you'll pinch old ladies handbags off their shoulders outside Tesco's for a few quid, or, run a thriving 'These are my slot machines and you're having them in your pub or I'll break your fucking legs' type of business. So when Rajeev bounces straight back up to protest, Ken's more than capable of carrying on the conversation with Larry and Craig, whilst at the same time playing patter-cake with Rajeev's face. Rajeev hits the sofa. Ken turns to Larry and Craig.

  "What's the cutest thing you can buy in a pet shop?"

  "Monkey?" Says Craig.

  "Can you buy a monkey in a pet shop?" He replies.

  Rajeev stands up. Rajeev hits the sofa.

  "Well they must come from somewhere boss."

  Larry gives Craig a, 'you idiot' look.

  "What?" Asks Craig annoyed by the 'you idiot' look he's getting.

  Rajeev stands up. Rajeev hits the sofa.

  "They come from forests or jungles, not pet shops."

  "Yes they do." Craig insists. "I'm sure I've seen them in pet shop windows. I'm sure I have."

  Rajeev stands up. Rajeev hits the sofa.

  Ken suddenly gasps making Larry and Craig jump.

  "What?" They both say as Rajeev stands up again. Ken looks Rajeev straight in the eyes. Rajeev sits down; he was losing anyway.

  "I'm such a fool." Says Ken still looking at Rajeev. Rajeev doesn't like this look, this new look, this 'I've just thought of something really terrible to do to you' look.

  "Why are you such a fool boss?"

  Being a fool himself, Craig has just put a slight inflection on the 'you' and realises he's just asked his very violent boss why he's such a fool. So he quickly follows it up with…

  "Me and Larry don't think you are boss."

  Larry does a tiny double take at Craig. Luckily for Craig, Ken is in another world at the moment. He just stands there silently staring hard at them both. Larry and Craig know that the state of affairs have just wandered off the beaten track. Ken nods his head towards Rajeev. They both look over at him.

  "We don't need no cute little Monkey." Ken says as he joins Larry and Craig staring at Rajeev.

  Using just one finger, Ken gestures to Rajeev to stand up, and all Rajeev's fears come true.

  "I bet he'll bring you back to life." Ken says, chillingly.

  Larry takes a sharp intake of breath. Craig does the opposite, and pushes all the air out from his lungs.

  "What?" Larry just about manages to screech.

  Rajeev flops down on the sofa; no patter-cake required. Amir starts pulling at Rajeev's arm, he wants to know what's being said, what's going on. Rajeev tries to stand up, but fear, real fear, does things to the ordinary man in the street, namely, makes their knees knock together. So with knocking knees Rajeev stays seated.

  "Please sir, let us go, my brother is just a normal man now." He pleads.

  Amir pulls at Rajeev's arm and he tells Amir in six words of Hindi the state of play. Amir takes a sharp intake of breath and throws his hands on top of his head. Craig is trying to work out what the six Hindi words could have been. He has a few ideas…

  'They are going to kill me.'

  'They are going to kill you.'

  'They are going to kill us.'

  'Get your fucking powers back now.'

  'I think we are dead meat.'

  Either of those would make anyone take a sharp intake of breath and throw their hands on top of their heads.

  "He did those things years ago and he's gonna do them again tonight." Bellows Ken.

  Rajeev tries to get up but he may as well not have legs. The man's going nowhere. Arguing your case whilst seated on a comfortable sofa, tends to lessen your hand somewhat.

  "I'm telling you he can't do it anymore." He pleads.

  "Then you're gonna be a long time dead aren't you." Ken snarls.

  Rajeev covers his mouth with his hand and tries to hold back, but vomits on the carpet. Ken looks at the cat's faeces, urine, and Rajeev's vomit.

  "Is it piss shit and puke on my carpet night tonight or something?"

  Larry gives Rajeev a, 'I'll sort this' look.

  "If he says he can't do it Ken we should believe him."

  "I think Larry might be right this time boss." Adds Craig not expecting the response he receives from Larry. A response that to Craig is way over the top. Larry has been around Ken for a long time. So if Ken says he is going to kill Rajeev. He's going to kill Rajeev. Craig is in unknown territory here. To Craig, Ken is just frightening the two Indian men… He'll learn.

  "What the fuck does that mean this time? Shouts Larry. "Of course I'm right, if he can't do a cat he's not gonna be able to do a man is he it stands to reason you stupid cunt."

  "Huh?"

  Not much of a retort from a man that's just had the C-word used to describe him. He knows he heard it, he thinks he heard it, didn't he? Call him that in a pub or a club and you'll wake up with elaborate wiring around your jaw. Ken shouts over to Craig.

  "I want those two chained up."

  Craig's happy to move on and settle for asking Larry if he called him the C-word later.

  "Where am I gonna get chains from boss?" Asks Craig.

  Ken gives him the two second look. The look that if you don't react within two seconds, you're going to get a punch. Craig is unaware of this look, but manages to react with 00.01 of a second remaining.

  "Sorry boss…I'll find some somewhere."

  "And you." Ken shouts, turning his attention to Larry. "I want that one speaking English in two weeks."

  "English?"

  "Yes English. Comprende?"

  "In two weeks?"

  "Yes in two weeks." Ken then heads for the door. "I'm sleeping on it tonight. I need to think."

  Rajeev tells Amir something and he sighs with relief. Ken slams the door behind him and walks the two minute walk to the main house muttering to himself. He thought it was going to be so simple. You take one child miracle worker and stick an old ageing dying celeb in front of him, and hey-presto, you've pocketed one hundred or two hundred grand.

  Jane is already in bed when Ken enters the bedroom and starts getting undressed. Above the bed is a large framed photograph of Frank Bruno standing in the middle of in a boxing ring. It is Saturday 25th February 1989. The Hilton Hotel. Las Vegas. Mike Tyson, the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world has just beaten Bruno. Jane and Ken are on either side of Frank. Anyone looking at that extravagantly framed photograph, would believe that Ken Jane and Frankie boy are the best of buddies. Wrong. They're not. If you had a spare ten thousand dollars handy on the night you could pretend he was though. The promoters made a cool three hundred and fifty thousand dollars that night, from actors, actresses, singers, dancers, sportsmen, sportswomen, musicians, basketball players, football players, politicians, but most of all…career criminals like Kenneth Webster. Jane is half asleep.

  "How's it going with the catnappers?" Said with slight sarcasm.

  "Yeah it's ok." Ken says trying to sound upbeat.

  "Are they going to help you make everyone better?" A pinch more sarcasm. "Or was I right, and it's all nonsense?"

  "No. It's not all nonsense; we're just ironing out a few problems at the moment that's all. Go to sleep."

  "Yeah? Well they better take care of Clyde."

  Ken stops getting undressed and starts to put his clothes back on.

  "What the hell am I doing? I haven't got time to sleep." He says.

  Jane sits up, she knows what's troubling Ken. Tommy Rae.


  "Do you want me to tell Tommy you haven't got it?"

  "No. Go to sleep. I will have it. He'll get what he's owed."

  He starts to dial his mobile phone and leaves the bedroom. During the two minute walk back to the guesthouse he calls Larry and Craig. Larry had run himself a bath and had just that second got into it. Craig had just put his phone down on Tracey, a girl he calls facially challenged, but what Tracey lacks in good looks she more than makes up for in having absolutely no problem at all dropping whatever she's doing and making her way over to him. They have sex, which for Craig is the only reason she's there, although she'd would like more. He mentally counts to thirty, if she's lucky, then presses the fake call button on his phone and starts to panic saying 'my boss is on his way over and he'll kill me if he knew I had a woman in my room' He shoves twenty pounds in her hand for a cab, pushes her out the window (luckily for Tracey he's on the ground floor) and watches her scamper into the bushes. Dozens of times she's fallen for that. Although he did start to wonder if she might actually know, because the last time she was there she started getting her knickers on a full fifteen seconds before the fake call kicked in.

  Henry, another one of Jane's cats, comes over to Ken and keeps getting under his feet as he's trying to walk. Ken thinks about kicking it, but instead stops, and puts his foot under Henry's middle. Poor Henry probably thought he was having a nice tummy rub. He so wasn't. Ken lifts him with his foot high into the air and Henry ends up at the top of a Silver Birch clinging onto dear life. Johnny Wilkinson would be proud.

  The sight of Rajeev and Amir still on the sofa handcuffed to each other with pink fur covered sex-game handcuffs greets Ken as he enters the room. He huffs as he looks closely at the handcuffs.

  "That boy is one fucking idiot." He says to himself.

  "I'm really sorry about this, you two actually have your own room, you should be chained up in there not in here." He says to an indifferent Rajeev. Indifferent because of the word 'chained' He knows that being chained up in your own room, is only marginally better than being chained up on a sofa with a dead cat the contents of its bowels and bladder all over the carpet, topped off with your own vomit.

  Larry enters the room.

  "Did he bring Clyde back to life?" He says out of breath.

  "Yeah of course he did, can you get it a saucer of milk only it's gasping."

  "Oh my god he hasn't has he?"

  "No. I'm joking." He says. "Oh course he fucking hasn't."

  Ken stands aside to let Clyde bask in all his glory. Larry sees the cat still lying dead on the floor and puts his hand on his heart and sighs with relief.

  "I can't relax." Says Ken. "I've got Tommy Tits on my back and our little friend here is going to prise him off for me." Rajeev talks to Amir and they both become very agitated. "I know he can do it. I can see it behind his eyes." Adds Ken.

  "Ken he can't." Says Larry.

  "He'll do it or he'll die trying."

  "Ken."

  Craig enters the room also out of breath.

  "He hasn't brought that scabby old cat back to life has he?"

  But Ken wants to pick over another matter with Craig before he answers that particular question.

  "Why are they still on the sofa?" He asks Craig.

  "Eh? Sorry boss, what was I meant to do with them?"

  "Put them in their room."

  "Room? I didn't know they had a room."

  "What do you mean you didn't know they had a room? You helped Larry put the two beds in there."

  "Oh was that for them? I thought it was for guests that were coming."

  "They are the fucking guests. And they're here."

  "Oh right. Sorry boss."

  Craig feels he got off pretty light under the circumstances, but Ken hasn't finished with him yet.

  "And what the hell are those things around their wrists?"

  "They're all I could find, but they're well strong. I couldn't pull them apart."

  Craig hands Ken the keys.

  While Ken is looking away, Craig gives Larry a little playful nudge and whispers to him.

  "I might tell him they're yours."

  Not only does Craig have to ask Larry if he heard him right when he called him the C-word, he's now going to have to ask him why this outburst happened too…

  "Do you think this is a fucking joke?" Larry shouts at the top of his voice. "Do you have any idea what's about to happen?" Craig can't help but look at Ken, and even though he knows Ken can hear Larry; Jane can hear Larry; he's thinking to himself 'God I hope he didn't hear that' Larry aims a punch at Craig's head which he sidesteps. He throws another punch which Craig blocks. He throws punch after punch all of which Craig can easily deal with. The fact that he has no idea why he's having to easily deal with them, doesn't come into it. Without saying a word Ken grabs Larry and Craig by an arm each and walks them to the other side of the room.

  "Can I remind you two clowns I shot an old nag in the head recently. Don't laugh. Only turned out to be an Arabian thoroughbred."

  "What like a racehorse?" Asks Craig.

  "No, not like a racehorse, a racehorse. Which I now have to pay double for." Ken looks at Larry who drops his shoulders. "So if you two don't mind, I'd like to go and make some fucking money while I still can."

  Ken walks over to Rajeev.

  "Tell your brother you'll be dead in a few minutes."

  Even though Craig wants to rip Larry's head off he stands close to him and whispers.

  "Did he just say what I think he just said?"

  Larry's not in the mood for a conversation, he's too busy thinking how to stop this.

  "I won't damage you; I won't use a gun or a knife." Adds Ken.

  Rajeev makes a strange whimpering sound; Amir does the same. It's the sound of gut wrenching fear finding a pathway to freedom.

  "Fuck… he did." Craig says softly to Larry.

  "Please sir. I beg you, he can't do it."

  Craig is that close to Larry, that the tops of their arms are touching.

  "If he's not going to use a gun or a knife, what's he going to do… hang him?"

  "Well you better convince him he can." Ken bellows at Rajeev.

  "Please you must listen to me he can't do it anymore." Shouts Rajeev.

  "Well if he can't do it anymore he'll be a witness to a murder, and I can't have a witness to a murder hanging around the place if you get my drift."

  Craig gives Larry a little nudge with his arm. "Hanging, told you."

  Rajeev continues to plead for his life.

  "We won't say anything, we will just go home."

  "You're going nowhere. You've got ten minutes to wake that little boy up inside him, so don't waste them."

  Ken takes Larry and Craig to the corner of the room. Larry has exhausted all the ways he can think of to stop Ken from killing Rajeev.

  Ken was just fourteen years of age when Larry started looking after him. Ralph Webster, Ken's father was shot dead on his own front doorstep. The young Kenny was the first one to run to the door to see what that loud bang was. Both barrels of a twelve bore shotgun to the face isn't a sight anyone should ever have to witness, let alone a fourteen year old boy. The authorities never did find the person responsible, not that they tried very hard because they didn't. One eyewitness said she saw a black man running away. Ralph Webster was an appalling redneck racist, so she may well have seen the murderer, but it wasn't followed up. Some think it was the police themselves, and there's probably some truth in that. It's a very fine line the line between a hardened criminal and a detective inspector. In those days they'd all drink in the same pubs, gamble in the same casinos, have sex with the same prostitutes, and holiday in the same Spanish or Greek resorts. In those days you could give a chief inspector a couple of diamond watches; one for his wife and one for his girlfriend, a gold watch and a thousand pounds cash for him, and he'd make sure that there wouldn't be any plod patrolling a certain street in Mayfair on a certain night; the night you and the
boys turned up with sledge hammers to put the windows through at Tiffany's. Ralph was notorious in the sixties, even the Kray brothers gave Ralph Webster a wide birth; the Krays might have been mad but they weren't stupid. Most people were relieved Ralph Bernard Webster was in the ground. It's hard to cause problems when you're six foot under. Back then, when Kenny was fourteen he would listen to Larry, trust him. If Larry said 'Do your homework son' he'd do his homework. Kenny's mother was drinking for England at the time and still does. Kenny's older brother and sister had already flown the nest. So it just sort of happened really. Larry was around and took pity on the boy, and became a father figure to him. But like all boys do when they hit their teens, Kenny had a growing spurt; and then some. By the time he was fifteen and a half he'd shot up eighteen inches, and had a forty-four inch chest. So when Larry told him to 'Get a move on, or you'll be late for school' he couldn't really do much when he heard 'Go fuck yourself you old tosser. I aint going to school anymore' float down the stairs and into his ears. Larry has decided that's the Kenny he'll appeal to. The young fourteen year old Kenny that used to listen to him.

  "Kenny I want you to listen to me."

  "You two ready?" Ken asks Larry and Craig.

  "That's only ten seconds boss." Says a surprised Craig. "I thought you were giving him ten minutes."

  "Kenny now stop this, I'm serious, you're not going to kill Rajeev."

  "No? Watch me."

  Larry needs straws to clutch, and he needs them right now.

  "Why don't we try and get a monkey for him." Larry says desperately. "Or a little pony, everyone likes little ponies."

  Ken nods over at the fireside.

  "We can't keep killing animals, we've already got a cat and a dog to get rid of as it is."

  Larry and Craig do a tiny double take. A large breed black Poodle is dead on the floor.

  Craig whispers to Larry. "I thought it was a rug."

  Ken is now in full steam ahead mode and there's no stopping him. He walks over to Rajeev and Amir. In his mind he's only going to borrow Rajeev for a couple of minutes, kill him for a couple of minutes, then his brother will miraculously bring him back to life. He's seen Amir do it on the DVD, so he knows he can do it.