Million Pound Appointments

by Higgins, Malcolm

"How do you mean love?" Asks Jane.

  Ken stands up and looks at the framed photograph of himself Frank Bruno and Jane in the boxing ring hanging above their bed. He studies the woman in the photograph, then looks at the woman standing next to him. Jane.

  "Who's the wog?" He asks.

  Both Jane and Larry are taken aback by Ken's use of the word 'wog' Jane because she's never heard Ken use it before. Larry because that was Ralph Webster's word. He used it all the time. Loved it. Knew its power of belittling the black population of the 1960's.

  "It's Frank Bruno" Says Jane.

  Ken studies Frank.

  "Oh yeah. I like him don't I? Boxer aint he?"

  "Stop it Ken, you're frightening me. Tell him Larry,"

  Larry doesn't know what to do; he just shrugs his shoulders at her.

  "You keep calling me love." Says Ken.

  "Ken I mean it, stop it."

  "Are we married or something. Are you my wife?"

  Larry steps forward.

  "Your name is Kenny Webster, and this is your house. You've had an accident."

  "I thought you said someone shot me."

  "Eh? He did. Craig. Do you remember now then?"

  "No, you just told me he did?"

  "Did I?"

  "What did he shoot me for?"

  Jane's finding this really hard to come to terms with.

  "Kenny, look at me. Look me in the eyes."

  He does, and although she doesn't really know what she's looking for, what she does know, is the man looking back at her, isn't Ken.

  "My god Larry, he's lost his memory."

  Ken wobbles on his feet and almost passes out. Jane and Larry catch him and help him sit on the bed.

  "Help him Gus." Shouts Jane.

  She turns around to see an empty room.

  "Where the fuck is Gus?" She shouts.

  Ken passes out and Larry lays him flat. Jane runs over to the door and opens it.

  "Gus get up here. Gus."

  Larry dials Gus on his mobile. It rings and goes to voicemail.

  "Gus when you get this message…" Says Larry into the phone.

  Jane snatches the phone from his hand.

  "You better get back here you snivelling little shit, and you better get back here quick, otherwise I'll tell Tommy Rae you've been messing around with little girls, drugging them, interfering with them. I'll get my little niece to say she was one of them, and she's only eleven."

  Jane hands the mobile back to Larry who hangs up. They stand and look at Ken.

  "I think he's going to be all right Jane." Larry says reassuringly. "He was up and he was talking."

  "He was up and he was talking? She shouts. "He just fucking asked me if I was his wife."

  Chapter 24.

  Tommy Rae is standing over Rajeev and Amir.

  "Just give me yes and no answers boys. If I bring a sick person in here, can you cure them? Are you both; or is one of you, some sort of healer?"

  "Yes." Rajeev answers.

  "One or both?"

  "My brother." Answers Rajeev.

  "Is that what the runt was doing with you?"

  Rajeev doesn't know the meaning of the word 'runt'

  "Ken. Kenny. Mr Webster?" Explains Daz.

  "Oh. Yes." Says Rajeev. "He wanted my brother to help people for money."

  Tommy Rae looks at Daz.

  "I think we've hit the jackpot Daz. If my Kenny smelt money in this, then trust me, there's money in this."

  "Nah, its bullshit Mr. Rae. A healer in this day and age? Fair enough when Jesus was about, but not now. Let me beat the truth out of them."

  "No Daz. I believe him. I really do. But I can see you're not convinced, so, just to make sure, why don't you go and find us a sick person."

  "A what?"

  "A sick person. Go and find us a sick person."

  "A sick person? Where am I going to find us a sick person?"

  Tommy Rae closes his eyes and sighs.

  "In a hospital?"

  "Oh." He says whilst remaining in the same position.

  Normally these two can read each other like books. But on the odd occasion; and this being one of those odd occasions. The books are in different languages, and one of them is in Braille. Tommy Rae looks at Daz wanting him to leave for the nearest hospital to find, and kidnap; yes kidnap, a sick person. Well let's be honest, if you're nice and cosy on your death bed you're not willingly going to go for a walk with Daz are you. Daz is looking back at Tommy Rae thinking, Shit, I think I'm meant to be doing something here.

  "Go and get me an ill person, now" Shouts Tommy.

  "What, you want one now?"

  "Yes, now."

  And with that, Daz heads for the nearest hospital with no plan in mind. People like Daz don't make plans. He'll simply walk into a hospital, grab a white coat or a porters jacket, and instinctively know which floor, which ward, and which man or woman to plonk onto a wheelchair and calmly wheel them out of the hospital. If you make it look normal, an everyday occurrence, no one will pay you any attention, and Tommy Rae will have his lab-rat.

  Mr. Leonard Dodds (83) chronic heart disease, finds himself being pushed along yet another corridor, for yet another test, or yet another ultrasound, or yet another x-ray, or physiotherapy; just another day in the life of Mr. Dodds. Mr. Dodds doesn't ask questions anymore, he's given up on conversations with the porters, he doesn't really like them. He feels they patronise him, talk down to him due to his age and the fact that he weighs just six and a half stone now, which incidentally, just happens to be exactly half the weight he weighed when fighting in the trenches in 1944. So he happily sits back, with his eyes closed, in yet another wheelchair or trolley, and doesn't utter a word, and just waits for the usual condescending 'Here you are old fella, safe and sound again' but a gust of cold air from the main entrance to the hospital doors, makes Leonard open his eyes. He looks at Daz and tries to remember if he's ever seen this particular porter before.

  "Where are we going?" He gently asks as he looks around the car park.

  "Shut your fucking face." Comes the curt reply from Daz.

  At first Len isn't sure if he heard what he thinks he heard, but getting 'shut your fucking face' wrong, is actually quite hard to do.

  "I beg your pardon."

  Daz wheels him to the back of the car park, positions him behind the Bentley, lifts him out of the wheelchair, and shoves him in the boot. Luckily for Leonard, the drive from the hospital to Tommy Rae's house will only take nineteen minutes in the airtight boot.

  Chapter 25.

  The bedroom door slowly opens and Gus pops his head in the room. He sees Jane on her knees holding Ken's hand, and Larry sitting on a chair with his head back and his eyes closed. He softly clears his throat.

  "Get your arse in here" Jane shouts.

  She gets up and walks over to Gus and punches him firmly on the nose. Due to the fact that the punch was so unexpected coming from Jane, the normal human instinctive reflex action to cover the painful punched nose with your hands, takes a full second to register; and then…

  "Ouch" His hands cover his nose.

  "How dare you disappear when we needed you the most."

  He takes his hand away from his nose and looks at the two or three drips of blood on it.

  "Needed me the most?" He looks at Ken. "He'll wake up eventually."

  "He's already woken up, and you weren't here."

  She punches him on the nose again, and this time he grabs his nose in the normal 0.3 of a second.

  "Why do you keep punching me?" He says with his hands covering his nose and mouth.

  "I don't know." She snaps.

  Larry gets up and walks over to Gus who backs off very slightly; if Jane can totally out of the blue start using him as a punch bag, Larry possibly could too.

  "Go and sit down Gus, we need you here in case he wakes up again."

  Gus sighs with relief. Larry isn't going to hit him. They all sit down. A rather feeble Gus breaks t
he uneasy silence in the room.

  "I wouldn't lay a hand on little girls."

  "I should fucking hope not." Says Ken who sits up on his elbows.

  "Jesus Ken, you frightened the life out of me." Says Jane.

  "What the fucks going on?" Asks Ken.

  "You've lost your memory love, but everything's going to be ok."

  "Have I?" He asks.

  "It's true Ken." Adds Larry. "I'm Larry, this is your wife Jane, and this is…"

  Ken cuts in.

  "Larry, do you want a fucking slap?"

  "Ken?" Asks Jane.

  "What?" He shouts.

  "Is it you love?"

  "What do you mean is it me love?" He takes an almighty deep breath and screams. "Larry?" and like a little boy caught misbehaving at the back of the class, Larry stands up straight and mouths the words 'It's him' to Jane.

  Chapter 26.

  Tommy Rae is startled from his doze, by Daz opening the door with his foot and walking into the room holding Mr. Dodds in his arms. Mr. Dodds isn't saying much, due to the fact that Daz said he'd rip his fucking jaw off if he said another word to him. Tommy Rae jumps up and rubs his hands together. Tommy Rae doesn't see a dying man who has lived a full and varied life, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a great-grandfather, a widower, a brave decorated frontline world war two soldier, and a Fireman with twenty-six years service. No. He sees a lab-rat, a smoking beagle, a monkey with a tube in its head. The only thing Leonard Millwood Dodds can use to console himself at this dreadful time, is the fact that if this was taking place when his body was youthful, strong, and virile, absolutely no way would he have allowed himself to be pushed into the boot of a car by an ignoramus like Daz, and absolutely no way would he be carried into a room like a small child. His mind is young and youthful; and in his mind he stopped those things from happening, but only in his mind.

  "So who's this and how ill is he?" Asks an excited Tommy Rae.

  "I don't know. I didn't ask."

  Tommy shakes his head with disapproval.

  "I can speak you know." Says Leonard. "Can I have a chair?"

  Tommy Rae grabs a chair and takes it over to Daz.

  "Well put the man down Daz." Says Tommy.

  Daz puts Leonard on the chair.

  "If its money you're after, I haven't got a pot to piss in, you've kidnapped the wrong person."

  Tommy Rae looks at Daz.

  "What have you been telling him for Christ sake?"

  "I aint said two words to the old fucker."

  In his mind, Leonard just stood up and punched Daz on the chin.

  "You haven't been kidnapped old fella." Says Tommy Rae sounding like a condescending porter.

  "No? Well what would you call being shoved in the boot of a car for over an hour then?"

  Tommy Rae looks puzzled.

  "Boot of a car?" Then he realises, and looks at Daz.

  "He might have bladder problems or something" Says Daz looking for an excuse. "I didn't think you'd want him shitting and pissing all over the seats."

  "Oi. I'm not the family pet." Says Len. "I have been in a car before you know."

  Daz leans down and sticks his face in Len's.

  "And for your information, it was twenty minutes."

  "Well it felt like an hour, you should try it sometime."

  Tommy Rae stands up straight and holds his hand up stopping the conversation.

  "Let's start over shall we? I'm sorry for the boot ride, Mr?"

  "Dodds. Leonard Dodds." Says Len.

  "It won't happen again."

  "Oh that's nice to know."

  "Now. How ill are you?"

  "Getting worse by the minute mate." Said with sarcasm that flies straight over Tommy's head.

  "Really?" Says Tom. "That's good."

  "Thanks, I'm glad my imminent demise makes your day."

  Tommy Rae turns to Daz.

  "Go and get Tom and Jerry."

  "How the fuck am I going to get them?" Says Daz.

  "No, not the Tom and Jerry. Our two Pakistani guests. I can't get my tongue around their real names, so we're calling them Tom and Jerry from now on."

  "Which is which?" Asks Daz.

  "I don't fucking know" He shouts. "Just go and get them."

  Daz starts to leave the room but pauses for a second; he's wondering if he should mention to Tommy, that he just said Pakistanis, not Indians. He decides against it, and leaves the room.

  Tommy pulls up another chair next to Leonard and sits down.

  "Why are you in hospital?"

  "I'm not."

  "Why were you in hospital?"

  "Heart."

  "Bad?"

  "Yeah."

  "How long you got?"

  "Two, maybe three months."

  "I can change that."

  "Yeah?"

  "Yeah."

  "How?"

  "I don't know."

  "You don't know?"

  "No."

  "When will you know?"

  "When Tom and Jerry get here."

  "I'll sit and wait then shall I?"

  "To be honest with you, I'm not even sure if its Tom or Jerry that does it, or Tom on his own, or Jerry on his own, or they do it together, I aint got a fucking clue."

  "No?"

  "No."

  "Me neither."

  Chapter 27.

  Ken is rubbing his head.

  "Have I been drinking?"

  "Big time." Answers Larry.

  Ken sits down on the bed.

  "Right." Says Ken. "Let's have it. What the hell has been going on here?"

  He looks at Larry; he clearly wants him to start talking.

  "Craig's dead and Rajeev and Amir…"

  "Stop" Says Ken. "Craig is dead?"

  "That was me love." Says Jane.

  "You? You killed Craig. Why?"

  "He wanted the Indians for himself. He was leaving here with them, and your money, and me. He wanted me as well."

  "Oh did he now? Cheeky bastard, you sure he's dead, he's a big lump?"

  "I used Clint. He's dead."

  Ken looks over at Gus wiping blood from his top lip.

  "What the fuck happened to you?" He asks him.

  "That was me too love." Says Jane. "I punched him in the face."

  "So where's what's-his face and his brother?" Asks Ken.

  Jane Larry and Gus look at each other. It's one thing explaining the shenanigans of the past few hours to a Ken with no memory of Rajeev and Amir, but this Ken not only knows them, he's asking where they are. Ken looks at them all; he clearly knows something isn't right.

  "I said, where are Ant and Dec?"

  Larry takes a deep breath.

  "Rajeev might be dead."

  "What?" Screams Ken.

  "That was me again love." Jane says. "He was stealing our money."

  "I don't believe what I'm hearing here. Dead?"

  Ken quickly stands up and winces in pain.

  "Ouch."

  He opens his shirt and looks at the huge bruise developing on his chest. Then slowly looks at Jane with pondering eyes.

  "That wasn't me." She protests. "Craig did that when he shot you."

  "When he what me?"

  "I told you, he tried to kill you."

  "No you didn't."

  "Yes I did. When you woke up the first time?"

  "The first time? How much have I had to drink for fuck sake?" He asks Larry.

  "Loads." Larry Jane and Gus say simultaneously.

  Ken sits back down on the bed. He's obviously trying hard to remember the night's events.

  "Weren't you all in a car?" He asks.

  "What car?" Says Larry.

  "I don't know, just a car. Weren't you?"

  "Who do you mean by all love?" Asks Jane.

  "You. All of you."

  "Does that include me?" Says Gus. Was I there Kenneth?"

  The three of them recognize what the other is trying to do. Confuse Ken.

  "Was G
us in your car dream Ken?" Says Larry.

  "Huh?"

  "Your car dream." Says Jane. "Was Gus there?"

  "My car dream?" Says Ken.

  "Yeah, was Gus in the car in your dream?"

  "I don't know, I think so." Says a confused Ken.

  "But I came in my own car Kenneth." Says Gus. "I wasn't picked up by Jane and Larry."

  "Shut up." Shouts Ken. "Just shut up for a minute. I can't think straight."

  They all remain silent hoping they've done enough to confuse him.

  "What's-his face might be dead?" Asks Ken.

  "Rajeev." Replies Larry.

  "And you shot him?" He asks Jane who nods yes.

  "Well go and have a look." He says to Larry.

  "We can't."

  "Why?"

  "We think Tommy Rae has them."

  "Was Tommy Rae in your car dream Kenneth?"

  Jane and Larry look at Gus with a look that says 'That's enough' Gus gets the message, and shuts up.

  Larry and Jane both expect Ken to hit the roof, but he's still trying to remember things.

  "Didn't he kill Craig at the top of the stairs?"

  "Who?" Asks Larry.

  "Ra.. Raj.. What's-his-face."

  "No love. I shot him remember?"

  Ken stands up. Jane holds his hand and rubs the top of his shoulders.

  "Oh look at you, you poor thing, all muddled. Gus has pumped you full of animal crap love, that's why you can't remember anything."

  Gus stands up and is about to protest, but Larry points a finger at him and he flops back down on his chair, and mouths the words 'Animal crap?" to Larry.

  "You were almost killed. No wonder you're all mixed up." She adds.

  They wait in silence, hoping Ken will give up chasing the truth. His body language says they have a good chance that he will. Jane remembers something.

  "Tommy Rae will tell you, you'll believe your own brother won't you?"

  Larry looks at Jane and pulls a 'What are you doing?' face. She gives him a reassuring nod.

  "Huh?" Asks Ken.

  "He saw me shoot Craig. You'll believe Tommy won't you?"

  Ken stands up and heads for Gus who sits up straight. Ken grabs him by the throat and lifts him up.

  "Animal crap?" He shouts. "What sort of animal crap is flowing round my fucking veins? I don't know if I'm coming or going here."

  Ken's big hand and Gus's sinewy neck, make it impossible for Gus to answer. Normally Jane and Larry would try to intervene and help Gus; try to calm Ken. Get him to liberate Gus's windpipe. But as long as Ken thinks Gus's unorthodox medical procedure is the reason for his memory playing havoc with him, they'll quite happily stand and watch, and convince themselves that poor hapless Gus will easily be able to take a good throttling.