Seven Shades of Grey
Page 13
Dolly66: u missing dolly?
VikSin: well yes… but the problem is about dolly and me… and kids. wrote a long letter to her parents … about the way I feel … and while doing that started feeling low… for now ... just make me laugh ... before I cry…
Dolly66: my cousin was like that
VikSin: and ...?
Dolly66: she tried for 6 yrs
VikSin: and then ...?
Dolly66: and always in tension why have we got no kids … then I told her one day … look at me and learn if I can come out of my problem it is only because I calmed down and started seeing my anger and sorrow for what it was and am not yelling oh help me I have been raped or oh help me
VikSin: ok ... got that.
Dolly66: I have been cheated by my husband … I went the extra mile for prem and someone else got the credit
VikSin: understand ... and listening
Dolly66: I talked to her and used to joke with her that one day she will get kids and will call me up for the number to the mental asylum … now she has 2 kids
VikSin: lol ... I probably need that now … LOL
Lucid reasoning for a lucid problem that was supposed to make me feel happy: six years of penance had paid off for someone. Instead, my eight years of wallowing in grief came to the forefront, sapping my energy, making my brain spin some more.
And there was more to come, to shake the foundations of my sanity, to indulge in the one emotion that exposes the debility of every soul on this planet, CARING!
Dolly66: u know what I have done for u and dolly?
VikSin: what? … tell me.
Dolly66: there is a temple here it is in a place called rompin
VikSin: ok ...
Dolly66: my uncle is the priest there
VikSin: ok
Dolly66: and there if u really want something and if there is a chance positive results follow
VikSin: gosh.
Dolly66: so when u go there u must pick out a flower from a huge huge pot
VikSin: ok listening
Dolly66: all white flowers and very very few yellow flowers
VikSin: and ...?
Dolly66: I had u and dolly and told god hey bud I don’t believe in breaking coconuts and bribing u but this one is very important for me and just dipped
Dolly66: my hands in and took a flower
VikSin: and?
Dolly66: well well well Mr alligator guess what color flower I got!!!!!
VikSin: what color?
Dolly66: the yellow one
VikSin: what does that mean?
Dolly66: a child, infant, a baby
VikSin: dolly ... please stop ... I am in my office and am going to howl here ...
Dolly66: I cried and knelt down
My body trembled reading the lines.
An angry, disillusioned, mangalsutra-removing, stranger had gone to a temple to pray for me.
The answer she brought from there, and the manner in which it moved her had been even more startling. The words of this stranger suddenly meant the world to me. Rationality took flight, sanity numbed by the assault, and only one thought etched in my surfeited mind.
I was to have a child, a natural one!
It was done! The straw had broken the camel’s back, a dam had been breached, and I was in the midst of a deluge. For the first time my hard exterior cracked, a large gaping hole exorcising every bit of anxiety and hurt that I had locked away. My state would have shocked all that knew me - Dolly my wife, my friends, my parents, my associates and my staff. In the cool confines of my office, alone and war-weary, I let the tears flow, copious amounts of saline water washing my soul.
Dolly66: cry baba … it is ok to cry
VikSin: I know ... I keep saying that ... but don’t feel too good doing it myself.
Dolly66: he has thus far vikram ... never ever gone wrong
VikSin: I hope u are right ... I hope so ... not so much for me as much for dolly and her parents. she is an only child ... my parents have two.
Dolly66: I did not believe my eyes when I took out the flower but I did and believe I nearly fell into that ‘thing’ because it is a huge pot … u will have kids
VikSin: dolly ... I wish I could hug u and cry on yr shoulders ... I really wish. I am still an overgrown baby at heart ...
And she started calling me Baba that day forth. I had become an emotional weakling, frail, distraught, bewildered, a child. I felt so close to her that I just wanted her to hold me in her arms, a lot like my mother would, to tell me that everything would be OK, to assure me the pain would go away, and soon.
I needed the comforting, wanted unconsciously to hear the words that meant everything to me.
Dolly66: I can feel ur sorrow baba … it is universal to feel like that … but understand u will not be in this position for long because … u will have a child … believe me when I say this
And believe I did. For once it was my turn to receive words of wisdom, comfort for the soul, or was it a relentless assault on my sanity? And there was more evidence to suggest the former to be true.
Dolly66: vik … listen … I want u to read this
NEVER SAY GOODBYE WHEN U STILL WANT TO TRY ... NEVER GIVE UP WHEN U STILL CAN TAKE IT ... THE BRIGHTEST FUTURE WILL ALWAYS BE BASED 0N A FORGOTTEN PAST. YOU CANNOT GO ON WELL UNTIL U LET GO YOUR PAST AND NEVER WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE, LIVE UR LIFE NOW
VikSin: read it.
She was good, very, very good!
Dolly66: WHEN ONE DOOR OF HAPPINESS CLOSES ANOTHER DOOR OPENS BUT OFTEN WE LOOK AT THE DOOR THAT IS CLOSED THAT WE DON’T SEE THE ONE THAT IS OPEN
OK
VikSin: I wrote a letter to her parents … because … dolly has told them about this adoption thing and they are excited … what she did not tell them was … that I am pretty clear in my head that if the first one is adopted I will not have one of my own.
Dolly66: hmm
VikSin: because I don’t want the adopted kid to ever feel left out.
Sane words in times of insanity!
VikSin: oh god ... please stop my tears for a few moments now ...
Rationality methodically stripped, drowned in tears, sorrow overwhelming sanity and insanity alike. And there was still more!
Dolly66: baba believe in ur self … and believe in me … and believe in dolly
VikSin: that is all that I have left ... my belief in u guys.
Dolly66: good … do u believe in crystals?
She was good, very, very good!
VikSin: yes I do. believe them.
Dolly66: my dad does read them well … can I ask him to ask ur guardian angels?
VikSin: yes u can ask him
Dolly66: I am calling him on my hand phone
VikSin: what ever u want to do ... told you ... I trust you ... with my life. what is left of it.
Dolly66: wait ok
VikSin: am here.
Dolly66: and u go and wash ur face and get a cup of coffee
VikSin: a cigarette is more like it … LOL … I’m ok ... really am.
She was good, very, very good!
And that day I wasn’t!
I changed.
For years, I had been the pillar of strength for my family and friends. It took just one woman to say the right words, turn the right screws and leave me weeping like a child. With my wife too there had been weak moments but then never had I wept so fervently. The only consolation was that this woman was on the Internet and could not actually see me.
The change did not restrict itself to events around my emotional state or me; it ran deeper - deep into my subconscious. The first real change was to come later that day when I logged off from chat.
I felt drained and yet there was peace. I could not comprehend it at that time. I guess my bottled-up emotions had found an outlet and that caused me fatigue. I felt like sleeping right then and there. It was a working day and I could not do that. I cannot remember when I lost the battle, succumbing to slumber in my chair and then having a
very vivid dream.
I saw a woman in a white outfit, more like a gown. She had long hair, very wide eyes and a pointed nose. Her face shone but her eyes had a look of sadness in them. There were bags under her eyes as if she had forgotten how to sleep. Her hands reached to me. I wanted to go to her but could not. She remained there for what I thought was an eternity. I tried desperately to touch her and I just could not. When I gave up she seemed to drift away into space disappearing, consumed by the black void that she had earlier shone in.
I woke up with a start. I had been asleep for over an hour. My office has a very good air-conditioner and yet I was sweating. My thoughts hovered around the dream. It had been very vivid. Sweat clung to my skin and soon I started feeling cold. I had never seen this woman before. I did not know who she was or what she wanted from me. I could only see her hand reaching out to me, and I could not touch her.
I was sure I was hallucinating.
In parts of India, people believe that a dream during the daytime is a way of divining the future or more like the mind giving you clues about events that were about to take place. I just did not believe it then. I know now why that happened – after all it was another Monday that had rocked me. There was still more to come.
*
The chill that is running down my spine is very similar to the one that day. I want to stop, to retreat from reliving those ecstatic moments that gave birth to painful memories. But I have to face them. The Miracle about to happen was predicted by this woman; today, she is lost in the wilderness, unaware, and I am lost in rationality. This time the dragon will be slain.
Today I must, I have to.
I have to know the answer why, I have to believe in my sanity or insanity, joy or sorrow or whatever else there is that is left of my emotionally shattered self. I have to face my nemesis; I have to understand and move on. Life cannot be anchored at that point of time that still bewilders me. My body still trembling and my knees still weak, I must seek support from my creator friend, rest my tormented body to rest my tormented soul, for I want it tormented no more. This time the dragon will be slain.
10. The Picture Reader
MAA! – my soul continues to cry.
The pregnant ox, the barbers’ refuse and my hospital-smelling chair have suddenly become unbearable. It is in MAA that I always find solace, and my trembling body can only be calmed by her. If any angel walked in now I would surely look like one needing medical attention - breathless, sweating in a cold room, huddled in a chair, bewilderment haunting my eyes. My body is merely reacting to the storm within, to the trauma that had been bottled up effectively for so long.
No one sees me.
MAA does!
I have to muster courage to stare into the abyss, to plunge inside and retrieve the pearls of my sanity - if they are still around. I can only do it with her beside me.
And she comes, benevolent, loving, caring just as she has always been. I tremble at her feet, her gigantic form before my very eyes. Her form would scare the bravest, but to me she is my mother, the one who dispels darkness, the one who loves me and whose mere name calms me.
She reminds me that it had not all been bad, who points out the omnipresent silver lining to every dark cloud that ever threatened to destroy me, a small air-hole in the dark tower of life allowing me to breathe, to stay alive. With Dolly66 too there had been such moments. My transformation had not all been in vain; deep inside me a resurrection had taken place, a change that helped others understand their lives and experience peace, a change that helped me become more aware of the powerful force that I was born with. A beautiful butterfly emerged from the cocoon of my former self.
There was a benevolent side to the dragon, the one that comforted me long before it breathed fire to singe me. Thus I am steered to understand a different part of insanity, a warm life force calming my trembling body and soul and helping me to breathe normally.
*
Aviva had promised to send her picture to me. Reshma had already broken Marilyn’s rules, and then Marilyn herself had followed suit. The excitement of seeing a chat friend had also abated; yet there was a different kind of tingle at seeing yet another ID shed its anonymity and acquire a face. So it was when Aviva sent me her picture.
In chat we had discussed some of her problems most of them stemming from the North / South divide. I had asked her how she coped with it, and the chat had veered to spirituality. She told me that her spirituality was dictated by the faith followed by her ancestors. They had been Hindus who had converted to Sikhism where they had vowed to discard idol worship, to believe in the teachings of the ten Gurus and where the men displayed their conversion by never shaving their beard or cutting their hair. The likes of these were scattered all over the globe and were quickly identified by a beard shrouding most of their face and a cloth turban wrapped around their head. Like all members of her faith, she visited the Gurudwara, the place of community worship and listened to the Gurubani - the ancient words of the gurus now recited by priests. She was mildly curious about my spiritual bent of mind and did not probe me much.
The day her picture arrived in my Inbox she happened to be online too. She was soon in chat probing my thoughts about her picture. She was to get more than she bargained for, and I too would discover more than I ever dreamt of.
It began with amusement at the fact that here was a single woman seeking an opinion from a married stranger. To her I was a confidant and now referred to as brother. I viewed her picture and commented that it was nice, the picture of a simple girl with a glow in her eyes. She detected words that made sense to her, although they sounded like idle banter to me, and she probed further. I was in no mood to pass judgment on a stranger; yet the more I stared at her picture the more I sensed a vortex form, one that funneled images from the picture translating them into words inside my head. It was like I was being prompted by someone or something to say things that my conscious mind could not fathom. Before I knew it, I was relaying this on the Internet.
VikSin: this picture was taken before u met this guy on the Net?
Axes26: yes
VikSin: ok hang on
Axes26: ok
VikSin: I will type my thoughts right now … u may acknowledge them if u wanna
Axes26: ok
VikSin: but don’t ask me questions till I allow u to ask me ok?
Axes26: ok
I continued to stare, the vortex - a silvery cord connecting my brain to the image before me, spinning around its own axis faster than before, transmitting words that my hands were made to type.
VikSin: u did not want this picture taken
Axes26: yes
VikSin: this picture was to be sent for a marriage proposal but
Axes26: yes
VikSin: at the time u did not know that … they told u after it was sent
Axes26: yes
VikSin: u have problems with a male member in the family … a brother or father
Axes26: yes
Where were these words coming from? My office room blurred as the silvery cord made the screen light up, and I was lost, a puppet in the hands of a master puppeteer, typing.
VikSin: u r very close to a female member in the family … a sister or mother
Axes26: yes
VikSin: the match was not approved by yr mother
Axes26: yes
Autopilot– puppet-typist, auto-god-knows-what.
VikSin: today the problem is that u want to leave the house
Axes26: yes
VikSin: not for the guy but to make something of your life … u feel u r too dependent on the family n want to make something of your own life … u only wonder if yr love will understand this
Axes26: yes
VikSin: u want to ask me if u should talk to him about it
Axes26: yes
VikSin: he will understand but not now
Axes26: why?
VikSin: will tell u hang on
Axes26: ok
VikSin: u have
an offer to leave the country … to work outside
Axes26: yes
VikSin: take it
Axes26: WHAT?
VikSin: take up the offer it will bring u peace of mind
Axes26: vikram STOP … I cannot take it any more
I stopped. The silvery cord started to blur, the room trying hard to get back into focus, desperation trying to hand me control of my uncontrolled self.
VikSin: what happened Aviva?
Axes26: who are u, vikram?
VikSin: what do u mean? U have known me for quite sometime now … who do u think I am?
Axes26: I mean are u a person in Delhi who knows me?
VikSin: Aviva, I am in Bombay even as I type … if u want me to prove it … I will
Axes26: prove it
VikSin: here is my Bombay number call me right now …
Axes26: ok but as soon as u hear the phone ring pick it up and say … this is vikram singhal n nothing more
VikSin: fine
Axes26: give me the number
And I was back to being me.
I had two telephone lines in my office; I gave her the number that I was not using at that moment. Within thirty seconds, the telephone rang. I picked it up and said, ‘This is Vikram Singhal here.’ The line went dead.
She got back to the Net, explaining that she was at the Institute hence could not speak to me on the phone but was stunned at what she read, more stunned than I was at seeing my fingers type the words. She wanted an explanation. I had none.
I told her all about the Professor’s assessment of my birth time, Dolly’s trust in me, my belief that I was a mere mortal striving to lead a normal life assisted by my prayers and meditation. She could only add that no one would believe what had transpired; yet she had seen it first hand, seen me read from a picture thoughts that were locked away in the far recesses of her mind. We truly were destined to meet, and I was destined to have a sister, not of the same flesh, but definitely a part of the same maker, the same soul. When I switched off the computer, my head was pounding like a jackhammer mercilessly at work. My eyelids went heavy and I felt drained.
What had happened to me?
I lay back in my chair, the high back providing much needed support, and automatically my eyes closed. My mind was numb, and the only thought at the forefront of all others was the one that was firmly glued to the chat with my ‘virtual’ sister.