Seven Shades of Grey

by Vivek Mehra

  Love,

  Dolly

  I will be with you for a very long time; we both know that. And your daughter she will have big eyes! The words resounded in my soul like a thousand temple bells clanging at the same time. I must have read them a hundred times that very day. Chemical equations were forgotten, office chores ignored as I downloaded the email and read it over and over. A vulnerable human being is pitiful, a prisoner of his own mind, and yet I did not feel like one. I was ecstatic, elated that I had achieved something. When I look back rationally now I still wonder why I felt so! A stranger seemed to say just the right words to make me feel happy. The child I yearned for was nowhere in sight, my work still gave me no respite and yet I was happy. There were other issues that I was ignoring at that time.

  How come her uncle who loved her so much appeared in my dream?

  Who was the tall man who came to warn me?

  I would not know for awhile; the answers were locked away in the not-so-distant future. I had started believing in her words, believing that she was someone very special to me, and yet there was a part of me that was still skeptical, that prevented me from giving in 100% to her. That evening she was to remove the last shreds of doubt and take me to the edge of the precipice of sanity. She would have all of my thirsting self; parched desert sands hungrily eyeing moisture-laden clouds, ever present, rarely letting go the bounty, the sands looking upwards always yearning. And that night rain poured benevolently on thirsting desert sands, satisfying every yearning completely.

  At 7pm I was logged into Messenger when I saw Dolly66 log in too. We both were amazed at the turn of events, could not find any rational explanation to what we had seen and left it without trying to rationalize. She then told me the story of the marks on her toes. She had worn toe rings from a very early age, changing them often as her feet grew. She was very fond of her rings and sometime after her marriage all that changed.

  Dolly66: after all the celebrations there … we took a train … and we could not get first class nor second

  VikSin: ok

  Dolly66: we traveled third … and … I remember prem was upset … he hates third class

  VikSin: ok

  Dolly66: that time fortunately it was not all that crowded … and there was this girl, all the while she kept looking at my feet … I asked her in broken tamil … why r u looking at my feet they cant be that pretty … she smiled (half a smile) and said … I like ur metti … the ring around my second toe … so when prem went to the bathroom I took it off … without blinking an eye and gave it to her … prem came back after a smoke … then I went to the ladies and when I got back the girl was gone

  VikSin: listening.

  Dolly66: it has been … 9 yrs since I wore a ring again, don’t know why

  VikSin: listening

  Dolly66: the skin peels in that area … as if it is there … but it is not

  VikSin: yup.

  It was a strange story that made perfect sense to me.

  MAA!

  Dolly66: but my back still hurts since yesterday … it is slowly going

  VikSin: it will go.

  Dolly66: what I think she is doing is taking ur pain through me, yes it will

  VikSin: all of it ... the physical and the mental pain ... from you.

  Dolly66: yes

  VikSin: and mine too. I have been suffering from a backache ...

  Dolly66: really?

  VikSin: for the last 4 years or so ... cannot wear heeled shoes.

  Dolly66: I think it will go soon, yes, me too

  VikSin: have to wear soft shoes.

  Dolly66: the pain is excruciating, yes soft ones, flat … when u see me, u will only see my eyes, they are big

  VikSin: no ... when I see you ... I will see your feet first.

  Dolly66: I have been told I can burn or cool with my eyes

  VikSin: I am sure you can burn ... Maa has given u the intensity.

  Dolly66: my feet are larger then normal … normally women have between 5 or 6, mine 7 or sometimes 7 ½

  VikSin: how did I know that ...? Maa told me, rather she showed me.

  She then went on to relate an incident from her childhood, one that demonstrated that she was born under a changing constellation, one that prevented an astrologer from seeing into her future. The startling change in her words was the ever-present reference to MAA! She would tell me how she could see her since that night and how these visions came to her at will. I envied her. I had been praying for years and still could not get MAA to come to me at will. Envy turned to cynicism as I thought she merely mouthed these words and there was no way to prove or disprove her claim, least of all sitting miles away from her. I steered the conversation to a book I was reading then and soon we were lost in words of wisdom flowing from learned minds.

  VikSin: this morning when I was reading the book called the law of Karma … here are some lines I read.

  Dolly66: ok tell me

  VikSin: ‘When I see a woman I see Maa. And I cannot see Maa in pain.…’ … this was the guru telling the writer … about how in every woman he sees Maa.

  Dolly66: ok

  VikSin: strange that I had to read it just this morning … because since Monday ... my mind has changed. … Maa ... through you has stripped my ego, my desire.

  Dolly66: yes … I hate desire vik … I hate it causes lot of pain

  VikSin: since yest ... I don’t know what pain is.

  This was very true!

  Dolly66: if I die u will feel sad … if ur family dies u will feel sad … but if u look at it carefully the sadness is universal … have insight then u will see all are caused by desire

  VikSin: it is true ...

  Dolly66: so when I die or someone close to you dies … u should be happy because they are now free … the soul will be there

  VikSin: but as humans ... it is our karma to weep ... it is better that you suffer the pain and rise above it.

  Dolly66: yes … we will weep but for how long? … have u noticed how long can u hold the feeling of being sad or angry? … only for a while

  VikSin: well ... the soul ... I would want it to merge with the maker ... don’t want it to hang around me.

  Dolly66: it will merge … when time comes not immediately

  VikSin: since last night dolly ... I have changed ... am calmer and more composed.

  Dolly66: good

  VikSin: more in control of my mind. and more in love.

  Dolly66: now u will see desire may still be there but in a more controlled form

  VikSin: I know now my Maa loves me … loves me enough to show herself to me. … and when I really wanted to ease your pain ... she took me to you. … and I always sat at your feet … why?

  Dolly66: because u really need her now

  VikSin: me with the high libido and all ... and here with a very good looking woman right in front of me ... and there was no desire left. … I could not or rather did not want to see beyond your feet. … it was as if I could feel every contour of your feet. … every rough and smooth edge and every little bit

  Dolly66: yes

  VikSin: that I could see in the moonlite.

  Dolly66: the moon was bright that night when I sat down

  What followed was unbelievable – just unbelievable.

  Dolly66: last night … a poem came to me … in tamil it came in tamil to my mind, I hardly speak tamil fluently. … Every time my fingers would start writing on paper or on computer the words would disappear, let me concentrate

  (Pause)

  I waited for what to me was to be a poem on love, on caring, on sharing or something similar. What came across shocked me, one shock leading me to the mother of all shocks waiting to assault every grain of my sanity.

  Dolly66: let me type first line in tamil ok?

  VikSin: write it down ... because ... there is only one man I know who spoke fluent tamil

  Dolly66: Really?

  Dolly66: ok who is he tell me after I write the poem ok?


  VikSin: ok

  Dolly66: Velli maalare velli malare

  … meaning oh silver rose … give me 5 minutes … the words are complicated … let me decipher it … be back in 5

  VikSin: sure.

  Dolly66: wait … it is … coming again n I see a man or rather feel a man near me

  Netruvari nee nedevanam kandai

  till yesterday u were in an illusion

  otrai kaalil uyarathil nindraai

  on one leg u stood tall

  manjal maalai mazhayil nanaindhai

  you got soaked in the late evening rain

  chithirai maadham veyilum sumandhaai

  you bore with the southern summer

  ithanai thavamgal anedhaan seidhaayo

  how many more days

  would you sit penance

  and ask then again it comes

  velli malare

  velli malare

  silver rose

  if I try to write it down I forget … but when I type to u it flows … don’t know why

  VikSin: who is the man you feel near you?

  My question was ignored; she lost in the words flowing to me.

  Dolly66: the silver rose … is babu … so he is asking babu

  VikSin: WHAT DID U JUST TYPE???

  The word BABU sent shivers down my spine, my body hit by convulsions, trembling like a leaf in a storm - assaulted by a million needles of rain, helpless in the sudden downpour.

  There was just one person on the planet that ever called me by that name, my friend, my philosopher, my guide, the one who left for his heavenly abode seven years ago - PROFESSOR!

  Dolly66: why and for how long more did u think u had to sit and get wet in the rain

  VikSin: WHAT NAME DID U JUST TYPE?

  Dolly66: u mean babu?

  VikSin: yes babu, how did u get this name.

  Dolly66: it just came to me in the end like someone telling me it’s for babu. A man that I can feel near me with a long white beard, silver rim glasses.

  And that very moment she had all of me, cynicism left, rationality soared out of reach, leaving just me quivering, sweating, completely surrendered to the woman who could feel my guru near her.

  VikSin: dolly I AM BABU. Only my guru ever called me that

  Dolly66: what r u talking about? … he seems to be rubbing his hands … asking me to write this to his babu … he is very upset or crying

  VikSin: DOLLY that is Professor the one I call my guru

  Dolly66: oh my god! … he is here I can almost see him …

  VikSin: oh god, oh god, I have yearned to meet him, he died 7 years ago.

  A deluge of saline water left the security of my eyes, drenching and staining my face, another million gallon seeped through every pore of my body, drenching my clothes, making my shirt stick to my body - one large leaf drenched in its own fluids, trembling helplessly.

  Dolly66: he loves u very much vikram

  VikSin: I don’t know, but in two days Maa and Professor both have come to me through u ... oh god oh god

  Dolly66: I don’t know vik, I don’t believe what u r saying but I can see it in front of me.

  VikSin: tell him never to leave me

  Dolly66: he will never leave u ... he loves u very much.

  VikSin: I have to get off the computer I am shivering here

  And I shivered and quivered like I had never before. And the exorcism was complete that night, as I sat in my chair, alone, cold, curling up like a child not believing in what my eyes had read and what my heart had felt. A loud howl left my parched throat housed in a drenched body, piercing the still night.

  No one heard it.

  My anxiety-ridden soul and my strained body came together as one, turning my face to the heavens, letting another howl leave my throat spontaneously like a bat out of a clanging belfry. No one heard it, and yet thousands of miles away three souls felt it. They had to feel it; they were a part of me.

  But the world around me came to a standstill with one ecstatic thought erasing all others - my Professor had found me!

  *

  12. Three Shades of Grey

  I still quiver, still tremble and still marvel at the beauty of that moment. A thousand doves set free from captivity soaring to conquer the heavens; a million tulips in bloom welcoming the first burst of spring; a deluge of life giving rain, quenching the thirst of parched desert sands; the first rays of the sun gently warming the earth after a long harsh winter - could not aptly describe the sense of relief and joy that my entire being felt. The Miracle about to happen in an adjoining room would probably come close.

  The revelation in itself was enough, but the joy of words flowing from the lips of one that my soul ached to find knew no bounds. And it was Dolly66 who made it all happen. Her place in my soul was sealed forever; yet she had left.

  Her departure was not as torturous as the manner in which it took place.

  *

  Late that night there was a call from Dolly asking me if I was all right. I asked her why she had called, and she stated that early that evening her heart had beat very fast and all thoughts had turned to me. She had tried to call me, the phone company not obliging. I told her that nothing was wrong and that I was just fine.

  She had heard my soul cry, hundreds of miles away, in far off Allahabad!

  After a few minutes of reassurance the phone call ended, and I continued to bask in the warmth it provided. My Dolly had heard my soul, she had to; she was an eternal part of it. And there were others.

  The next morning there were two frantic messages left at Messenger, both reflecting similar sentiments, both wanting to know that I was OK, both from my soul mates in cyberspace, Marilyn and Reshma. I sent the same reply to both that I was fine.

  How else could I begin to describe what I had experienced and my current state of mind?

  For a week after the revelation I was flying high, so high that to reach cloud nine I would have to descend a million. I went from feeling immense happiness to feebly weeping, mostly at my altar, lost in MAA. There was no room for sorrow; tears were a natural reaction of my body to the overwhelming amount of love that enveloped me. The world around me suddenly contracted my infection and danced with me. I ate to keep my body alive, clothed to keep my modesty intact, slept to rest my body, and my soul continued to dance through it all.

  I saw hope all around me, hope of a better future, hope of loving my wife more, hope of finally having a child and most of all hope that I would never be miserable again. For the entire week I was in an intoxicated state of bliss. Dolly66 was online every morning and then again every evening. Chemical equations started becoming a lot clearer, and on the following Saturday I finally cracked the formulation.

  There was immense exhilaration at the success, and yet it paled in comparison to the dancing of my soul. The stability of the formulation represented my conquest of the little known, a product leading to riches, success at doing what was thought to be undoable. Late that Saturday night I told Dolly66 of my success. She was happy but knew that all success was to be mine; every little one that had evaded me would never do so henceforth. I shared the success with Dolly in Allahabad, she the perfect partner happy at my success.

  ‘Where happiness is, sorrow is lurking nearby.’

  I felt none of it, had not done so in a very long time, but it was time for sorrow to enter my life and what an entrance that was!

  It was another Monday; it had to be!

  I pranced into my office, my head stuck in the clouds, a bright smile adorning my glowing face. I first put a commercial size batch for processing just to be sure my lab results could be duplicated on a commercially viable scale. It took me under an hour to instruct my production staff, and then I was on to the Net. Dolly66, my paramour, was conspicuous by her absence. I found that strange and reconciled it by believing that she must have had something important to attend to that day.

  But there is no message from her, no email either – saner half prompted.

>   The Net must be down at her end – saner half rationalized.

  And then began a vigil.

  I would log in every twenty minutes or so, leaving offline messages, and yet none came back from her. I tried calling her number; it was constantly busy.

  The phone lines must be down – saner half prompted.

  And I could not reconcile that, try as I may.

  Around 4pm the wait was over. As soon as I logged into Messenger, Dolly66 was online. I quickly double clicked her ID and typed a message inquiring about her absence.

  No reply was forthcoming.

  Strange!

  The Net must be down at her end – saner half rationalized.

  Yet Messenger clearly indicated she was online.

  A message window opened on my screen. It was not from Dolly66, nor any of my friends; it was an ID that I had never seen before - Imthi98. The name had a familiar ring to it; had it been mentioned before by Dolly66? The mystery was solved when I read the message in the window.

  Imthi98: hi, I am a friend of Dolly Nair.

  Strange! Why would a friend of Dolly66 message me?

  I sent a message to her stating her friend’s introduction before I sent a reply to Imthi98. This time a reply came back with stunning speed.

  Dolly66: oh god … vik listen to me

  Then another message flashed from Imthi98.

  Imthi98: so u n dolly r good friends?

  And another flashed from Dolly66. I had to say something to Imthi98, and I typed that I was a friend of hers and it was nice to meet another friend. My eyes were still glued to Dolly66 - what did she want to say to me?

  Dolly66: imthi used my password at yahoo because I had forgotten to change it

  Dolly66: he logged in this morning and saw all ur messages to me

  In the still of the night a rabbit sat blinded by the headlights of an approaching truck. He knew it would lead to a crushing, painful and pitiful death and yet he could not move. A thousand whirlpools started forming, gently at first, swirling, gathering speed, merging to become one giant one, the vortex turning black trying to suck everything down to its base, destroying everything that dared to get stuck in its path, and I was smack dab in the center of it.

  My fingers flew across the keyboard at blistering pace. Anger got rid of the whirlpool, a choppy sea taking its place.