“Okay.” I finally concede. “There’s a coffee shop just on the edge of campus. It’s only about a five-minute walk.”
“Sounds perfect.” He waits for me to start walking before quickly stepping up next to me, slowing his long stride to match mine so that he can keep my pace.
We don’t speak for most of the walk. It’s clear to see Sebastian is just as in his head as I am in mine, both of us trying to sort through what we’re thinking right now before having to sit down and actually speak it aloud.
“I graduated yesterday.” He finally speaks just as we round the corner to the coffee shop where I’ve worked since freshman year.
“Wow. Congratulations. That’s amazing. How do you feel?” I nod in thanks when he holds the door open for me before following me inside.
The smell of coffee instantly assaults my senses, and I take a deep inhale, having become one of my favorite smells over the last couple of years. I don’t like to drink it, but the smell is incredible. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the smell reminds me of my mom; she’s always been a big coffee drinker.
“I’m not sure yet,” is all he can get out before we reach the counter, and my co-worker Jill cuts in.
“Tess, what are you doing here?” Her long blonde ponytail swings as she talks. “I thought you were leaving for North Carolina with that hunky boyfriend of yours.”
Sebastian shuffles next to me, clearly uncomfortable.
“We leave tomorrow.” I try to sound as casual as possible despite the sudden flush of heat that has washed over my body.
“How fun. I’m so jelly. I would love to lie on a beach for a few days.” Only then does she seem to notice Sebastian, her eyes widening slightly as she takes him in. “And who’s your friend?” Her voice completely changes as she asks me the question while looking directly at Sebastian.
“Sebastian.” He gives her a megawatt smile, and I swear I can physically see her swoon a little.
“Where do you find these guys?” Jill asks playfully as she turns back toward me.
I offer her no more than a shrug and a “we go way back” before asking if I can have my usual chai tea with two sweeteners. Jill may be perfectly content standing here ogling over Sebastian until her little heart’s content, but I’m rather anxious to have him to myself and find out exactly what has him coming all the way here to see me so unexpectedly.
Sebastian orders a coffee, black, and after paying for us both, grabs our drinks and follows me to a table in the far corner.
Sitting back in his chair, one hand on his leg, the other wrapped around his cup of coffee, he seems so lost in thought that I decide to speak first rather than waiting on him to start the conversation.
“So you were talking about graduation,” I press, hoping he’ll take the lead.
“I was.”
Only then do I realize that I don’t even know what he was studying. How sad is that? He hadn’t claimed a major the last time we had actually spoken of college, and with everything that happened, it was honestly the furthest thing from my mind.
“What did you end up studying?”
“Sports medicine.” He shifts in his seat, eyes never leaving mine.
“Oh wow. That’s awesome.” I feel cliché saying it, but I have no idea what the hell to say right now. Everything feels forced and unnatural which is unsettling considering I never felt anything but comfortable with Sebastian before.
“And what about football?” I quickly add when he doesn’t offer a response.
“I had some interest going into senior year, but I wasn’t interested in pursuing it.”
“Oh.” I don’t know why but this surprises me. I knew football was never his end game, but I find it hard to believe anyone would walk away from the chance to play football professionally.
“I actually got a job offer as an athletic assistant for the medical team at USC. I’m supposed to start in a couple weeks.”
“That’s amazing, Sebastian, congratulations.” I pause. “That’s in California, right?”
“It is.” He nods slowly, taking his first drink of coffee before setting it back down, his hand never leaving the cup.
“California,” I let it roll off my tongue as I toss around what that means for him. “You always said you would go back there one day.”
“Yeah, but when I thought about it I always saw you there with me.”
I don’t know what to say to that so I just sit here looking at him, my heart racing out of my chest, trying my best to control the tremble running through my hands.
“I miss you, Tess.” Heat spreads over my face and down my torso the second the words are spoken.
“Sebastian,” I try to interject.
“No, just let me get this out, okay?” He waits for me to nod before continuing, “I miss you every single day. Every moment was less because you weren’t there to share it with. I’ve missed out on so much time and now, now I find myself unsure of how to move forward without you. I don’t know how to explain it, but when I was up on that stage accepting the degree I worked my ass off for, the only person I wanted to look out into the audience and see was you. But you weren’t there, and it made me realize that none of it means anything if I don’t have you to share it with.”
“Sebastian, please.” My voice shakes, and I can already feel tears stinging the back of my eyes.
“The guy, is it serious?” He cuts me off.
“I mean, yeah, I guess it is.” I sniff.
“Do you love him?”
“I think so.” It takes me a long moment to force the words out. Why is it so hard to say what just an hour ago I thought I felt.
“You think so or you know so?” He crosses his arms in front of his broad chest.
“I mean, it’s still pretty new.”
“But you’re going on a trip with him?” He continues to pound questions at me.
“We’re going to spend two weeks in North Carolina with his family,” I admit, guilt swarming me from every side.
Why the hell do I feel so damn guilty?
“So you’re going to stay with his family for two full weeks, and you can’t even tell me for sure if you love the guy?” He cocks a brow, frustration etched in every feature of his face.
“I mean, I do love him. It’s just…”
“It’s just what, Tess?”
“It’s different, the love. It’s different than what you and I had.” He cringes at my use of past tense. “But he makes me happy.”
“Good.” He lets out slowly, clearly battling with what to say next.
“Why are you really here, Sebastian?”
“I told you. I’m here for you.”
“So what then? You just show up after nearly three years and you expect me to drop my life and everything I’ve built here to what—go to California with you?”
“Well, when you put it like that.” He blows out a breath, looking more conflicted with each moment that passes.
“I still have another year of school left. And I have friends here and a…”
“Boyfriend,” he finishes my sentence.
“Yes and a boyfriend,” I snip, letting my emotions get the better of me.
“I guess I didn’t think this all the way through. I think… I mean, I guess I thought…”
“You thought you could just show up here, and we’d just pick right back up where we left off. God, Sebastian. Look at us. It’s been three years and yet were still doing this same old song and dance. Maybe you’ve graduated and are ready to start the next journey of your life, but I’m not. My life is here. Nothing has changed for me. So unless you’re here to tell me that you’re moving to New York then we have nothing left to discuss.”
“Would you leave him, your boyfriend I mean? If I were to move here, would you leave him and be with me?”
“Are you moving to New York?” I challenge, leaning back in my chair on a sigh when he doesn’t answer right away. “That’s what I thought.”
“Fu
ck,” he growls, pushing his chair back so it skids across the floor as he stands. “I shouldn’t have come here.”
And just like that he turns and storms out of the coffee shop, walking away from me yet again.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” I’m on Sebastian’s heels seconds after he steps out on the sidewalk.
“Just leave it, Tess.”
“Leave it? You show up here announced after three years, lay all that on me back there, and then you just walk away?” I grab his arm, forcing him to stop and look at me.
“Tess,” he warns, eyes anywhere but on me.
“Tell me what you want, Sebastian,” I plead.
“You!” he screams. “Fuck, Tess, I just want you.”
“But only the way you want me, right?” I bite back. “It’s been three years, Sebastian. Three years,” I stress. “You can’t just show up here and demand that everything go back to the way it was. Life doesn’t work that way.” I soften my voice. “Did it ever occur to you that I miss you just as much as you miss me? That this has been just as hard for me? That I too always look for you first when anything happens? I still love you, Sebastian. I’ve never stopped. Not for one single second. But things are different now.”
“Because of him?” he drags out.
“Because of me.” I look down at where my hand is still on his arm, having not realized I hadn’t pulled it back once he stopped.
I stare at our point of connection, my hand tingling all the way up my arm like an electric current that runs through him and into me. When I meet his gaze again I know he feels it too, and that makes what I’m about to say a million times harder.
“If you were moving to New York it would be a discussion I’d be willing to have. I’m not saying one way or the other, but I wouldn’t rule it out entirely. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. But you’re not moving to New York, Sebastian. You’re going home, to California. And even though you might be willing to walk away from it out of desperation and fear of losing me, we’re still in the same place we’ve always been. One of us not willing to let the other give up what they really want. I won’t be the reason why you turn down a job I’m sure doesn’t come around every day or the reason you stay in New York when all you’ve wanted for years was to go back to California.”
“But it’s just a state, and it’s just a job. There are other places I can live, and there will be other jobs, Tess. But there’s no other you.” When he reaches out and cups my cheek, I swear every single emotion I’ve kept bottled inside comes rushing to the surface.
Love.
Anger.
Fear.
Pain.
They all bleed together in the most overwhelming concoction, and I can’t seem to swallow them back down no matter how hard I try.
“I love you, Tess,” he whispers, his other hand sliding around to the small of my back as he guides me toward him, pulling me flush against his chest.
I give myself one minute. That’s it. Just one minute to breathe in his scent, to remember what it was to be held by him, to listen to his heart beating against my ear. Just one minute and then I know I have to muster the courage to say no.
I don’t want to, though.
I wish I could say Bennett makes it easier, that knowing I have him makes the choice bearable, but it simply does not. Because Sebastian and Bennett are divided in my heart and in my mind; neither play into the decisions I make about the other because they are loved by two sides of me that will never touch. The part of my heart that beats only for Sebastian and then the other half that finally believes it’s possible to love another, maybe not in the same way but no less just the same.
When I finally pull back, managing to put a few inches between us, tears are forming at the corners of my eyes. I blink rapidly hoping I can fight them down, but one look up at Sebastian and they topple over. I can feel my heart breaking all over again—the pain almost too much to bear—and a sense of panic washes over me.
I don’t want him to leave.
I don’t want to wait another month or year or longer to look at his face and feel what I feel looking at him now.
I don’t want this to the end.
And yet, at the same time, I know it would never work.
I know he can read it all over my face, but it doesn’t make the words any less difficult to force out.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
When he blinks tears pool in his eyes, but not a single one falls.
“Go to California, Sebastian. Take your incredible job offer, and go home. Find happiness. Find love. Find peace. I want all of those things for you.” And while I mean every word, the thought of him loving someone that isn’t me is damn near crippling.
He takes a deep breath in and then slowly lets it out, resolve spreading across his face.
“Okay.” The word is barely off his lips before his hands come up to cup my face on both sides. “I’ll go to California. I’ll take the job, and I’ll live my life. But do not for one second think that this is me walking away again. I know what I want now, Tess. In fact, it’s never been clearer. I’ve grown up a lot over the years, and I’ve learned some very valuable life lessons—as I’m sure you have as well. We’re not the same kids we once were, and yet when I look at you, it’s like I’m seventeen all over again; neither time nor distance has lessened my love for you. I’ve made my choice, Tess, and I choose you. I don’t care if I have to wait five more years—
you are my girl, and I will wait as long as I have to.”
“Don’t do that,” I croak. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know where you’ll be come that time. You might move to California and meet the girl of your dreams.”
“I’ve already met her,” he cuts me off. “And she’s the most fucking beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Sebastian.”
“I’m serious, Tess. You are mine. You’ve always been mine. I don’t care what you tell yourself or your boyfriend—facts are facts, and deep down you know who you belong to. This.” He slides a hand to my chest and splays his palm on top of my raging heart. “This knows who it belongs to. And when it’s ready, when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
With that, he leans forward and presses a soft kiss to my cheek. I hold my breath, waiting, hoping that his lips will find mine next. I know I shouldn’t want it. I know how wrong it is. But I can’t help it.
Disappointment settles in my chest the instant he pulls back, followed by an immense wave of guilt.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’ve finally found someone new, someone who makes me happy, and here I am willing to throw it all away for one kiss that will likely only succeed in hurting me further.
I know Sebastian says he’ll wait, but I’m not entirely sure what he’s going to be waiting for. I don’t know what the future holds or where my life will go. And he can’t promise me that he does either.
“Until then,” he finally murmurs before stepping away.
I feel the loss of him everywhere, and it’s deafening. My body pleads with me to bring him back. To pull him close and never let him go because he’s right—
it knows where it belongs. I know where I belong.
But things aren’t always so black and white.
I open my mouth just as Sebastian turns away, but nothing comes out. I watch him shove his hands into his pockets and tilt his head toward the ground, and for what feels like the hundredth time, I watch him walk away.
With each step he takes I want to call out to him, to stop him. But words and actions fail me.
Maybe it’s because I’m afraid. I’m afraid to go there with him again only to have it all fall apart.
Maybe it’s because deep down I know it would never work, and I don’t think I could survive the loss of him a second time. In fact, I know I wouldn’t.
Maybe it’s because of the happiness Bennett has brought to my life over the p
ast few months and that I’m not ready to walk away from him yet because what we have could be incredible—could being the operative word.
Or maybe it’s a combination of all of these things that has me rooted to the spot, unable to stop Sebastian from walking away.
***
“I can’t believe you told him where to find me,” I seethe, repeating the same statement I’ve said several times since finding out Courtney is the one who gave Sebastian the address to my dorm. “You’re supposed to be on my side here.”
“I am on your side,” Court objects.
“Then how could you just let him show up here and not even give me the slightest heads up about it?” I pace back and forth inside my small dorm room, unable to shake the nervous jittery feeling I’ve had since the moment Sebastian arrived.
“Because I didn’t think he’d actually do it,” she cuts in.
“And you didn’t think I deserved to know that it was even a possibility? He showed up here to find me with Bennett, Court. Do you have any idea the position that put me in?”
“I’m sorry, okay? I just…”
“You just what?” I snap, directing my frustration at her when I know it’s not her fault.
“I didn’t want you to get your hopes up,” she says almost apologetically.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that even though you don’t talk about Sebastian anymore, I know you still love him. And no matter how much you wish you could deny it, had I told you he was coming and then him not shown up, a part of you would’ve been devastated.”
I know she’s right. Of course, I do. But that doesn’t erase the sting I feel finding out after all this time that Courtney and Sebastian have been in contact behind my back. The fact that they’ve spoken at all since we parted ways leaves me with a sick sense of betrayal—even though neither of them really did anything wrong.
She claims it was just so she could tell Sebastian how I was. That he would call or text every few weeks just to check in. She says he always only ever talked about me, and he wanted to know everything I was up to each and every time they spoke. She said she could tell how miserable he was without me—how much he missed me—but she also said that eventually, the calls became less frequent.
Where the Night Ends Page 26
