by Sammy King
We knew that freedom would come to a crashing end when we got back home, but at that moment it was nice being away from the chaos that had seemed to suddenly envelope my brief peaceful existence. We sat and watched the sun begin to come up over the ocean, the birds, flew against the pink and orange hews of the sky.
“We better go face the music” Dylan said, as he fired the car to life.
I sighed, and wished it didn’t have to come to an end. We drove back in silence, but not an awkward silence, we were both at peace. The house was quiet; Michael and Shelly’s car still was in the driveway. When we went into the house, the place was dark, with the curtains pulled, the smell of dope and beer lingered in the air. Beer can’s littered the lounge room floor, ash trays were filled with cigarette butts, and the bong looked like it had been knocked onto the floor. Michael was sprawled ungracefully on the couch, with Shelly curled up in a ball next to him on the bean bag.
I went into my room, and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, and I didn’t wake again, until I heard Tilly yelling. I couldn’t make out what she was saying in my half asleep state, but I knew it had something to do with me when she swung open my door, near off its hinges.
“Where the fuck were you last night? I nearly had to call the fucking police” she screamed into my face.
“But you didn’t did you?” I said, terrified of the crazed look on her face.
Her slap stung as it hit my cheek. I stared into her face and refused to let her see how much she hurt me. As she went in for the second slap, Dylan grabbed her arm.
“Don’t you touch her” he snarled at her, his voice full of venom and anger, if I wasn’t so frightened I would have found it sexy.
Shock took over her whole face, as she looked from me to Dylan.
“So why are you protecting her Dylan, your meant to be my boyfriend” she pouted sulkily.
He nodded. A look of repulsion filled his face.
“I am, but I promised I would protect Mon, and that meant from you too” he said.
The vein in his neck pulsed and his face reddened. I could see the anger that was filled in his dark eyes. I pulled the blanket up to my chin; the air was thick with tension. She wrenched her arm out of Dylan’s hand, and pushed past him out the door. Dylan looked at me and mouthed “you ok?” I nodded, and flopped back onto my pillow. I covered my eyes with the palms of my hands. I felt someone sit on my bed next to me, and when I removed my hands from my eyes, I could see my dad.
“Mon, do you love Dylan?” his face had softened, he had shaved the stubble and brushed down what was left of his hair, he was a different man there at that moment, not the man I had come to hate but a man that I longed to have as my father. I was confused by my feelings, I couldn’t understand how just in one moment, he could change repulsion into almost love for him.
I looked at him, and remembered that he saw our shared kiss the night previous. My face said everything and I knew there was no point lying to him.
“Yes” I said.
Dad nodded, and patted my leg.
“You’re a good girl Mon, and Dylan is a good guy. But it would tear your sister’s heart out if she knew”
I looked away, and stared at my wall.
“Well I’ve kept enough secrets for you, maybe once in your life you could keep one for me” I looked back over at dad, and stared into his eyes, my anger was overwhelming, as that love I felt, suddenly dissipated and turned back into disgust.
I noticed his eyes begin to well up and my heart suddenly softened once more. I couldn’t keep up with the changes in my emotions and it made me want to scream. Dad nodded, as he ran his hand through what was left of his hair.
“Your right, you have kept a lot of secrets for me, and that was wrong for me to expect you to do that, but what you’re asking me is to choose between the two girls I love.”
I looked away again. Tears formed and threatened to overflow, I pushed my palms into my eyes, to stop them from coming.
“I’m going out with Chantelle, I’ll be back later” I heard Tilly say from my door, with a sharp tone in her voice.
I felt dad get up and heard him as he left the room. I lay in bed and cried silent tears, until I had nothing left. When I finally left the safety of my bed and went into the lounge room, I saw that Michael and Shelly had left too. I went into the kitchen, to start the tedious job of cleaning the house, to make it look more respectable again. As I was wiping the beer and bong water off the last of the bench tops, I heard the front door open and heard Tilly call out goodbye to Chantelle. I could feel a headache beginning to form in the base of my skull. Tilly came into the kitchen, and put her bag on the counter that I had just cleaned.
“Thank you for cleaning” she said, not looking at me.
“It’s ok” I mumbled.
When I heard her shut her bedroom door, I went into the bathroom, and locked myself in to run a bath. My head was now pounding. I looked at my face in the mirror, and could see huge dark bags had formed under my eyes. I suddenly realised just how tired I was. I laid in the bath, and soaked in the hot water, until the water turned cold. When I came out of the bathroom, I could hear Tilly talking with dad in the kitchen, it sounded like she was crying.
“Mon?” Tilly called.
I went into the kitchen, tears streamed down her face, and dad sat holding her hand. He looked up at me, with concern on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked frowning.
“Dylan says he wants to break up with me, he says he can’t live with me while I’m mean to you.” she sobbed. “Did you tell him to leave me?”
I looked at my dad, who was staring at me; His face told me that Dylan had chosen me. His looked urged me to come clean but I didn’t know what to say.
“Where is he?” I asked. Tilly shrugged her shoulders.
“I dunno, probably gone to his mum’s. Are you fucking him?” she said into her cup of coffee, as she wiped her face with tissues.
I stared at my dad, whose eyes were pleading with me.
“Um, no” I said. “I’m tired; I’m going to go to bed”
I didn’t even look at my dad as I turned to head to my bed.
“Mon?” Tilly called before I left the kitchen.
I turned to face her, she had lifted her face from her coffee, and I could see her face was stained with tears and her eyes bloodshot.
“You’ll know I’ll kill you if you have fucked my boyfriend”
I nodded and turned away, and locked myself in my room, as tears flowed down my face, wetting my pillow.
That night my dreams were filled with images of Dylan and my mum, they were both talking, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. When I woke up, I felt like I hadn’t really slept at all. I got up and went into the toilet, when I looked down at my pants, worry was starting to grip me, I had been due for my period for two days, and yet there was still no sign of it. While I sat on the toilet pondering what I could do, and worrying about what I would do if I was pregnant, I heard the familiar voice of Dylan.
I walked into the hallway, just out of sight, and strained to hear what they were talking about. I could hear Tilly apologise through tears and sobs. Dylan was telling her that it was alright and that he would come back. When I heard them moving around the lounge room, I quickly darted into my bedroom, so as not to be seen and heard their bedroom door shut. My heart sunk, and I had to control the jealousy that was raging inside me. As much as I was glad that Dylan wasn’t leaving, I was furious that he could put his dick inside that poisonous bitch. I flopped back down on my bed, and fell back into a deep sleep.
Chapter Eight.
When I woke the next morning, the house was silent. I quietly went into the kitchen and started making my breakfast; I hadn’t eaten properly for a few days, and was suddenly ravenous. As I sat scoffing my food, Dylan came into the kitchen behind me, he ran his hand across my back, and rested it on my shoulder. I shrugged his hand off with irritation, not looking at him. I w
asn’t in the mood to deal with the emotions that the previous days had brought with them. I heard Tilly come into the kitchen behind me, and kiss Dylan sloppily, with sleepy sexual giggles.
I shoved the food in my mouth violently, chewing loudly, to try and drown out the sound of their slobbering kisses. They were still kissing when I stood up, and took my bowl to the sink. I shoved past them, and slammed my bowl into the empty tub, clenching my teeth tight, to stop the anger that was beginning to rise up. Tilly completely ignored me and continued to kiss Dylan’s lips, but I could see Dylan watching me. As I walked from the room, I put my hand behind my back and stuck my middle finger up at him. I slammed my bedroom door hard enough to rattle the window, behind me. I knew I was being immature to feel so angry, after all Dylan, was Tilly’s boyfriend, and I was just his quick fuck on the side. But I had believed him when he told me he loved me. It had twisted every emotion and feeling I had inside me. I felt betrayed, but that just made me angry, because I had no right to feel that way. I wanted to scream and punch something, possibly even Dylan in the face, but I knew breaking my fist wasn’t going to fix the situation. So instead I threw myself onto my bed and buried my face in my pillow, biting into and screaming through clenched teeth.
It wasn’t long before the knock on the door came. I sat on my bed with a sigh expecting to see Dylan’s face peer around the open door, it wasn’t Dylan, but my dad. He poked his head around the corner tentatively, he looked unsure of whether he should come in. It occurred to me that he probably felt confused by what was going on as much as I did. It appeared to me that he was trying to make an effort. But none of this revelation did anything to shift the anger that swelled up inside me.
“Mon” he said has he sat down on the end of my bed.
I rubbed my face, and could feel my breakfast dance in my stomach, as it threatened to come back up in a violent angry manner.
“I rang Dylan. I lost your mum, I can’t lose you too” he said bluntly. “When I told him what Tilly said to you, he agreed to come back to her”
I nodded; Tilly’s threats of death rang in my ears. I knew she probably would kill me, but she could hurt me, which made me think of the possibility of being pregnant. I groaned as I lay back on my bed.
“I know” I said, as the tears once again began to flow. I was getting fed up with the tears; they just seemed to always come now.
Dad reached over to me and pulled me to take me in his arms, he smoothed my hair. Again I began to feel comfort in my dad’s embrace; I didn’t feel the repulsion I had previously. I felt that Dylan had betrayed me that his words of love meant nothing, and in that moment I felt stupid and resolved that I wouldn’t have anything more to do with him. Although I knew that he was doing it to protect me that feeling of betrayal was something I couldn’t shake.
Dad and I sat in my room, talking for the next couple of hours, we talked about mum, about what dad’s plans were, what my dreams were. There wasn’t a subject that we didn’t cover. And for that brief time, with my dad, I could see the change, I could feel the change, and I felt like this man, my dad who I had grown to hate, might actually be the one man who would make a difference for the positive in my life.
“I’ve got to go out for a bit, but I’ll be back a little later and we will talk more” he said as he lightly pat my hand.
“Can I come with you?”
“No Mon, it’s not something I want you to be involved in” I sighed with disappointment as the crashing revelation revealed itself, he hadn’t changed, he was that same drug dealing scumbag that I had grown up with.
I kept my eyes down at the carpet as he left; he pulled the door quietly closed behind him. Instinctively I felt my stomach, I still hadn’t got my period, and the nerves were starting to play havoc with me. But I didn’t know how I would tell Dylan, let alone Tilly. I was going to have to lie, but I wasn’t sure if I was able to do that.
I was lost in thought, when Dylan came into my room, and sat next to me. He didn’t say anything, just sat there looking off into the distance, he looked like he was searching for the right words to say. The anger that had swelled to boiling point subsided the minute I saw him, and felt his closeness. My heart was breaking into millions of tiny pieces, but I knew I had to do what was right.
“It’s ok Dylan, Dad told me that he rang you. Thank you for coming back, but you belong to Tilly, not me” I said, my voice wavering.
He reached over and took my hand, but I snatched it back. He looked hurt, and I could see his eyes start to tear up, I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t see him cry, because it would make my tears start again and I didn’t want that, I didn’t want him to see that.
“Mon, I meant what I said. I love you. I just don’t know how to do this, you and me. I want you, I think of you always, you are the girl I want, I just don’t know how to have you” he rubbed his face; I could see how tired he was.
My emotions started to twist like a tornado, and they threatened to take me out. I didn’t know what to say, or how to even begin to respond. Whilst talking to Dad I had resolved that I was going to end it with Dylan, that I would help Dad find a new house and move with him, to leave Dylan as a vacant memory to remember years later. I opened my mouth to tell him that we just couldn’t be, when the movement of Tilly suddenly appearing in my door jolted me and made me slam my mouth closed.
“There you two are”.
Tilly leapt onto the bed, between Dylan and me and put her arm around us both.
“My favourite man and you” she laughed. I smiled weakly, and stared down at the carpet, my mind and emotions were in turmoil.
“God, you’d think Dylan just broke up with you Mon, you’re so fucking mopey” she said, as she grabbed us both on the leg, “and after the fucking you got” she said as she looked over at Dylan “you should be ecstatic”. I could see the pained look on Dylan’s face as she spoke the words; it was the look of how I felt.
Tilly grabbed our hands as she jumped up off the bed, and pulled on our arms.
“Come on mopey and her highness, let’s go somewhere, I’m bored”
I sighed and let Tilly pull me up.
“Let’s go up the mountain” she said excitedly, “I haven’t been up there in ages”
Dylan and I looked over at each other. He nodded and walked to the door, I went to follow, but Tilly stopped me, her grin, spreading across her face.
“Oh Mon, isn’t this great? We made love at least three times last night, I have never had so many orgasms in a row, I guess all the practicing he’s been getting came in handy” she whispered.
I tried to smile, but my heart was seething. Thankfully she was so self-consumed that she didn’t notice the pain that was all over my face, she just grabbed my hand and led me out of the room. As we started off up the mountain, Tilly chattered away about every subject she could think about. The beauty of Tilly is that she could talk the leg off an iron pot, and she didn’t expect anyone to give input into her conversations, so I was able to sit in my anger in the passenger seat. While she sat, leaning against Dylan on the bench seat of the van, her hand on his leg, she looked up at him lovingly every now and then. The times that I did look at Dylan, he had a focused steely stare on the road.
“Oh this is great, like old times, my beautiful man” she cooed.
Dylan gave her a wan smile. I turned back to the passenger window, and watched the world speed by, as buildings and houses, turned to tree lined mountain edges.
When we got to the top of the mountain, I got out and stood in front of the car, I watched as the white fluffy clouds slowly moved their way across the sky, the breeze was cool on my face. It was the middle of March, the weather was still warm but not hot, the trees had started to change colour and the days were getting shorter. The sun’s rays warmed my body, as I stood stretched against the front of the car, I heard the car door open, and saw from the corner of my eye, Dylan move to stand next to me. I looked back over my shoulder, and saw Tilly pull the bong from her bag a
nd start to stuff it with marijuana. I rolled my eyes, as I turned my attention back out over the city that was sprawled out in front of us.
“Three times I heard” I said, as I kept my eyes steadfastly ahead of me, but I could feel the tension.
“Mon, that’s not fair”
I felt instant regret for what I said, I knew that I hurt him, but I was too angry to let him know. I purposely kept my face staring in front of me. Dylan turned and punched the bonnet of the car, causing me to jump with fright; he stormed off down the carpark. I looked back at Tilly, but she was too busy sucking on the bong, that she didn’t seem to have noticed. I sighed as I shoved myself off front of the car, and followed Dylan. I found him again at the viewing cameras near the gift shop. He was sitting on a bench, his head in his hands. I sat down next to him, and touched his leg with mine.
“I’m sorry” I said, while I kicked a pebble across the concrete.
He reached out and put his hand on my leg, and gave my knee a squeeze.
“I am too”
Dylan reached out and draped his arm around my shoulder; I leant into him, and rested my head on his chest. He kissed the top of my head. We sat there in silence and watched the world pass by around us.
“You know we can’t keep going don’t you?” I said, as I looked up at him, he continued to stare out at the view as he nodded and squeezed my shoulder.
“Yeah I know” he said as he smiled cheekily at me “but by fuck it was fun” he winked at me, which caused a flutter through my body, and I couldn’t help but grin.
“It was definitely fun” I said, as I laughed and squeezed his leg.
When we went back to the car, Tilly was well and truly baked. She sat sprawled across the bench seat, her head thrown back, the bong, next to her, her eyes half closed. She didn’t even react when we opened the car doors. Dylan moved her over, so he could get in. Tilly didn’t say a word as we drove home, while Dylan and I chatted wildly about school, and what we could do over the Easter holidays. Tilly had started to come down, by the time we got home.
