Being Me (Inside Out Trilogy)

by Lisa Renee Jones

  Shock slides through me at the unexpected promise and I think of us holding the journal, and of the dark entries inside that terrify and intrigue me. “What happened to me not being able to handle this part of you, Chris?” I ask, and my voice trembles with the question.

  “Tonight happened,” he replies and there is nothing unsure about his voice, just hard steel and more anger. “And I damn sure want to give you a reason to think twice before it repeats.”

  Conflicting emotions overcome me. I crave and resist the possessiveness I sense in him. I’m jerked out of this thought when Chris yanks my dress up my hips, exposing my backside. I hear the silk of my panties tear before I feel the bite of the material ripping from my body. His hands caress my backside, and the edgy tension in him is like a wave crashing into me.

  He leans in, his lips brushing my ear, hot breath fanning my skin, promising delicious, forbidden fantasies only Chris can fulfill. “I’m going to spank you before this night is over, Sara.”

  His words are a velvety seduction and taut threat and I cannot catch my breath, let alone form a coherent reply. Chris turns me to face him, shoving my hands over my head and shackling them with one of his. “But first, I’m going to take you to the edge of bliss and pull you back so many times, you’ll think you’re going insane, just like I was when you didn’t answer your phone.” He tugs down the front zipper of my dress to my waist, unhooks my bra, and begins to tease one of my nipples. “Any objections?”

  “Would they matter?” I whisper, waves of pleasure washing over my body.

  “Not unless you tell me to stop what I’m doing.” He leans in and nips my lip as he had the night before, laving the bite with his tongue. “But if you say stop, Sara, make damn sure you mean it because I will stop. Understand?”

  “Chris—”

  “Answer, Sara.” His fingers slide between my thighs, spreading the slick heat of my sensitive flesh, and leaving my nipples aching for more. I have the distinct impression he’s reminding me why stop is a bad word.

  “Yes,” I pant. “Yes, I understand.”

  His thumb strokes my clit and he slips two fingers inside me, filling me, stretching me. I pant with the pleasure, imagining the moment he is inside me. “Come before I tell you to, and I’ll spank you right now.”

  “What?” I gasp. “I can’t—”

  “You can and you will.”

  His words are as powerful as his touch, and I feel the bittersweet build of release. “Why do I get the idea you’d enjoy my failure?”

  “Because I want to spank you.” His lips brush mine, his fingers stroking me with slow, sultry precision that is driving me wild. “And you want me to.”

  I do and I have no clue why but the certainty that he will is so intensely erotic that my sex tightens around his fingers. The beginning of an orgasm is almost as alluring as his hand on my backside.

  His fingers are suddenly gone, denying my pleasure, and I growl my frustration. “Damn you, Chris.”

  “Damn me all you want but you still won’t come until I say you come.” He strokes my nipple and flicks it back and forth. “I’m going to release your wrists and you will not move them. Understand?”

  No, I do not understand! But I nod my agreement, certain that doing as he says is my only path to satisfaction.

  His hand teasing my nipple falls away and he studies me, seeming to assess my willpower, or maybe just torturing me with the absence of his hands on my body. I’m ready to scream with the injustice of it when he sinks to one knee in front of me and his hands settle on my hips.

  His gaze lifts and snags mine and I want to order his mouth to the most intimate part of my body. Slowly, his mouth lowers, not to the spot I crave him to be, but to my stomach. The soft, seductive touch of his lips, followed by the gentle stroke of his tongue, sends a shiver through me and my belly quivers beneath his mouth. The contrast of how tender he is in one moment and how hard and demanding he can be in the next fills me with anticipation and is as arousing as anything I’ve ever experienced.

  Slowly, he trails his lips over the tender skin, his tongue dipping into my navel, tracing my hip bone, and finally traveling to just above the V of my legs.

  I am breathing hard with the restraint I use to stop myself from reaching for him, and the muscles of my sex clench so tightly it hurts. “Chris,” I plead when I can take no more.

  He rewards my urgency by licking my clit. Yes, please, more, I think, but do not dare say out loud, for fear he will do the opposite. I moan and another lick follows and it’s nothing shy of sweet bliss when his mouth closes down around me. He suckles my swollen nub, drawing deeply on my sensitive flesh and using his tongue at just the right moments until I am going insane. Sensations ripple through me and I have no willpower, no control. I tumble into orgasm and he immediately pulls his mouth from me, denying me full satisfaction, leaving my muscles clenching in partial release.

  My knees buckle but he is on his feet, wrapping his arm around my waist, and holding me up. He lifts me into his arms and starts walking toward his bedroom. His words replay in my head. Come before I tell you to, and I’ll spank you right now. Chris doesn’t say anything he doesn’t mean, and my heart races at the certainty of my punishment.

  Fourteen

  Chris carries me into his bedroom and I find I am far more aroused than fearful of the spanking. I am too lost in my desire to crawl inside the deep, dark secrets that are Chris Merit, to care. This look inside his psyche is what I have craved, what I thought would take much longer to discover. I’m fully aware that his anger, and his possessive need to protect me, have opened a door to his darker side, and I revel in my ability to create such things in him. I’m not beyond seeing how our responses to each other reflect how damaged and messed up we both are, but I choose not to care right now.

  Chris sets me down in the center of the room with the side of the bed to my back and the bathroom directly in front of me. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My dress is gaping at the top and the bottom is at my waist, leaving me exposed and looking ridiculously not sexy.

  Attempting to tug it down, Chris comes to my aid, shoving the straps to my dress and bra down my shoulders and over my hips. The material pools at my feet, leaving me in nothing but thigh-highs and high heels.

  I step out of my clothes and Chris catches me around the waist, his strong arms encasing me, and I melt into the hard lines of his body. He lifts me, kicks my clothes away, and slowly eases me back to the ground without releasing me.

  Our eyes meet and hold, and there is no mistaking the predatory gleam in his, or the anticipation charging the air between us. “I told you not to come until you had permission,” he murmurs, his voice husky, affected.

  I scrape my bottom lip nervously. “I’ve never been good at following rules.”

  His eyes glint with amber flecks. “I’m quite aware of that. And I might just enjoy it more than if you did.”

  My fingers curl around his shirt. “Because you want to spank me?” I ask, cutting my gaze, embarrassed by my own question.

  His finger slides under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “And you want me to.”

  “I . . . I don’t know what I want.”

  He turns me to face the bed, his hand settling possessively on my stomach, and the thick ridge of his erection nuzzles my backside. “Then it’s time you find out.” His voice is a seductive purr and his lips brush my shoulder, sending a shiver down my spine. “Don’t turn around.”

  My panic is instant. “But—”

  “You’ll know before it happens,” he promises, and his hands travel a path from my waist to my bare backside, where he caresses and lightly smacks one cheek.

  I yelp at the unexpected sensation and I hear the soft rumble of his deep, sexy laughter vibrate through me from behind. He is no longer angry, no longer driven by the emotion I thought was dictating his actions, and yet he still intends to spank me. I don’t know how to process this and I’m too distracted and nervous to
try. I hear the rustle of clothing as he undresses and I try to predict everything he is doing, for fear of being surprised. Yes, he’s told me he’ll warn me before he spanks me, but for all I know, it will be three seconds before it happens. He seems to be taking forever, or perhaps time is ticking by in slow motion. I can’t take it anymore. I start to turn and he catches me around the waist, the thick pulse of his erection pressing against my hip.

  “We really do have to work on the following-orders thing,” he murmurs, lifting me without warning, and setting me on top of the podium supporting the bed. “You’re going to climb onto the center of the bed on your hands and knees, Sara. Once you’re there, I’m going to spank you only six times, fast and hard, and then fuck you until we both come. Count the blows and you’ll know when it’s about to end. Understand?”

  My reason for welcoming this spanking finds me in this moment. I’ve sensed from the beginning not only that is Chris able to understand me, but that he alone, because of the connection I feel for him, can help me deal with the “me” I have left floundering deep in some secret compartment of my mind. He’s forcing me to face that me, yet he’s also my escape when it becomes too much. Tonight that escape is going to a new level. He is taking me to a place where the pain of my past becomes pain that is here and now and somehow morphs into pleasure. I hope.

  “Say no and we stop,” Chris murmurs gently by my ear.

  “Yes.” My voice is hoarse and I repeat my reply in a stronger voice. “Yes. I understand what’s going to happen.”

  “Say it so I know you’re sure.”

  I wet my lips. “I’m going to get on the bed on my hands and knees. You’ll spank me and then we fuck. I’m supposed to count to six.”

  “Climb on the bed, Sara,” he says after a pause, and there is a tenderness to his voice that hasn’t been present this night until now.

  Slowly, I step toward the bed and the mattress shifts behind me as he follows me. His hands are on my backside, caressing, touching, teasing me with what will come next. Once I’m in the center of the bed, adrenaline surges through me, the anticipation of when he will spank me almost too much to bear. I glance over my shoulder, seeking that answer, and find him on his knees behind me.

  “Face the front,” he orders, and I jerk my head away, but panic expands inside me. Chris’s hands caress up my waist and over my backside. Again and again, he caresses me and I can’t take not knowing when gentleness will become something very different. I have to stop this now. I have to—

  His hand comes down on my backside, a sharp blow that stings, and I want to cry out but the next blow is already there, and the next. Somehow I remember to count. Three. Four. Five lands and this one is harder, deeper. I arch my back against the sensation and six lands with even more force. I barely process that the spanking is over and Chris is pushing inside me, his thick cock stretching me. He thrusts hard, burying himself deeply, wasting no time. Immediately, he begins to pump his hips, his cock pounding into me and stroking out of me, and he repeats it over and over again.

  I feel each thrust in every part of my body, as if my nerve endings are alive in a way they have never been. Pleasure overcomes all else, and I push back against him, until I am moaning and panting and that sweet release I’d been denied previously is right there within reach, right there where I can grab hold and take it.

  I hear myself cry out but I don’t recognize the sound as mine. I would never be so vocal, but yet I am, and I ache with the need for completion. Every muscle in my body feels as if it’s on fire a moment before my sex clenches around Chris and begins to spasm. My body jerks, and pleasure spirals deep in my womb and spreads through my body. A low guttural sound escapes Chris’s lips as he buries himself deep inside me. I feel the warm, wet heat of his release and the tension in my limbs begins to ease. My arms are suddenly weak and I sink to my elbows only to have Chris roll to his side and spoon me, my back to his chest.

  His leg twines with mine and he wraps his arms around me. I feel protected, cared about, and, to my utter shock, immensely emotional. My eyes prickle and there is a storm brewing inside me that I cannot seem to control. Tears spill from my eyes and a sob slips from my throat. Then I am bawling uncontrollably, my body quaking along with my emotions.

  Embarrassed, I try to get up, but Chris holds me to him, burying his face in my neck. “Just let it happen, baby.”

  And I do, because I really have no choice. How long I cry, I do not know, but when it ends, I bury my face in my hands, ashamed by my lack of control. Chris strokes my hair in that gentle way I’m coming to love, and hands me a tissue. I swipe at my eyes, wishing my nose didn’t feel like it had a clothespin on it.

  Still I don’t look at him. “I don’t know what happened.”

  He turns me to face him and captures my let with his. “It’s the adrenaline rush,” he explains, then slides a pillow underneath both our heads. “It happens to a lot of people.”

  “I thought the idea was pleasure through pain, not a meltdown.”

  “You have to find your hot spots and your limits.” He brushes my hair behind my ear. “I knew from our pink paddle conversation that you wanted to try this, or I wouldn’t have gone where we did tonight.”

  I remember the moment I thought Chris wasn’t angry anymore, yet he still spanked me. “So you’ve changed your mind about exploring darker interests with me?”

  “I was never unwilling to explore with you, Sara. But I have hard limits that won’t change.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “No clubs. No collars. No canes and whips. No Master and Submissive roles.” His eyes twinkle with mischief. “As long as you understand I’m in charge, that is.”

  I laugh and I know he’s keeping things lighthearted and somewhat avoiding my question, but I decide to let him slide on everything but the control issue. “During sex only.”

  He wiggles a brow. “We’ll see about that.”

  “No. We won’t.”

  “Then maybe I should tie you to the bed,” he suggests and pulls me close, and I’m not sure he’s entirely joking.

  “I guess I should be glad you didn’t think of that while you were still angry. You were pretty intense.”

  His mood does the one-eighty shift I’ve come to expect from him and his voice becomes somber. “I’m still pissed as hell at you, Sara, but you need to know that I’d never touch you if I had anything but your pleasure as my motivation. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy driving you insane like you did me tonight. I did. You shouldn’t have gone to Alvarez’s alone.”

  My defenses bristle. “Chris—”

  He leans in and kisses me. “It’s your job. I get that. But if you think I’m going to let that stop me from protecting you, you’re wrong. Don’t leave your phone in your coat next time.”

  I purse my lips. “Don’t assume the worst of me next time.”

  “You mean the journal.”

  “Yes,” I say in agreement. “It hurt that you thought I would lie to you.”

  “I’m sorry. I would never hurt you on purpose.”

  None of the many dominant males I’ve known in my life would apologize so easily. To me, this speaks of confidence, not weakness.

  “My reaction wasn’t about trust,” he continues. “It was about how crazy it makes me to think you might judge me by other people’s actions.” Then tenderness lightens his eyes. “I don’t have to leave until late tomorrow. I know what your first reaction is going to be, but hear me out. I’d like it if you could work it out to fly back with me.”

  I open my mouth to object and he kisses me, his tongue stroking mine in a slow, sensuous caress. “Hear me out,” he repeats.

  “You convinced me.”

  “To come with me?”

  I smile. “To hear you out.”

  “There are a number of big names involved in the activities over the next few days who I know Mark would salivate to get as clients. Your going is an investment for him.”

  “Lik
e who?”

  “Maria Mendez. She’s never shown her work with Allure. I think she can be convinced to donate a painting and use Riptide to manage the sale. Nicolas Matthews, the New York Jets star quarterback, will also be there. While he’s not an artist, I believe getting a Riptide donation would be as easy as handing him a football and pen to sign it.”

  The possibility of going on this trip with Chris excites me. “You think it’s enough to get Mark to support me going?”

  “I know it is.”

  “Because you know Mark?”

  “I know Mark far more than I wish I did.” He rolls off the bed before I can dig for more information, and walks in all his bare naked beauty across the room to snatch up his pants. He holds up his cell and tosses it to me.

  I grab the phone. “I don’t have his number memorized.”

  “Auto-dial number four.”

  “You have Mark on auto-dial?”

  “The price of doing business with him is that I can never get rid of him, and since he donates to my charity I don’t want to.” He saunters toward me, all male grace and confidence, and joins me on the bed again. “In case you need further incentive to take off work, I’m meeting with the PI tomorrow and you can come with me if you’re free.”

  I punch the auto-dial. “Merit,” Mark says tightly when he answers the line.

  “Actually, it’s me,” I say.

  “Ms. McMillan. I guess I know why I haven’t received my phone call after your meeting with Alvarez. You’ve been occupied.”

  Oh crap. “I left my phone in my coat, but anyway, it didn’t go well. He says there’s a reason you’re aware of, and that’s why he won’t do business with you.”

  “Then why did he see you?”

  “To try to recruit me away from you.”

  Chris arches a surprised brow and I nod to confirm it really happened. He scrubs his jaw, and I can tell he’s not pleased.

  Mark’s silence tells me the same of him and it seems to stretch eternally. “And what did you tell him?”