The Colour Black

by Maia Walczak

  I made breakfast later than usual, having been distracted by packing. Then I made sure everything was prepared for the work I wanted to do in the afternoon. It was Monday and no one was coming over, it was just me alone with my work today, so really there was no schedule. Then I got dressed to go for a run. I rarely ran, but recently I was trying to get into it. It made me feel like a normal citizen of San Diego, and, above all, it actually made me feel good.

  But at around 10am I heard knocking on my door. It startled me. I wasn’t expecting anyone and no one ever usually knocked – people used the building’s video intercom. I was paralysed. Last night’s fears flooded back and took over me so quickly. The knocking continued. Silly Silvia. I shook my head. How irrational. But even so, when I walked towards the door, I did so on tiptoes, as quietly as I could.

  ‘Silvia,’ said a man’s voice behind the door. A man’s voice I swore I recognised.

  I racked my brain for all the men I knew.

  ‘Silvia de la Luz,’ he said.

  No one called me Silvia de la Luz. Not anymore. I always used my fake family’s surname, Cruz. Silvia Cruz. No one could know my real surname unless they knew about my past. My heart was thudding so loud I was scared it would give me away. My hands went numb.

  I caught a sudden glimpse of my reflection in a mirror on the wall, and it startled me so much I almost let out a cry. The blood had drained out of my face – the ghost of a girl in the mirror stared back at me. I felt sorry for her. I had never seen myself this lost and afraid.

  ‘Silvia, I know you’re home.’

  Who knew I was home? Why?

  Knock knock knock.

  Thud thud thud.

  ‘We need to talk.’

  My god. That voice…

  ‘We need to talk about what happened to your parents.’

  A rush of adrenaline hit me. I grabbed the bag, rammed on my sneakers. I reached into the inner pocket of the bag and took out the phone Jack had given me. With my trembling fingers I tapped out: See you at 5 on Thursday. Send.

  It wasn’t far and I was ready. What if Jack was really far away? What if it took him ages to get there? I didn’t want to wait around. Shit. I picked up the phone again. I thought. I racked my brain. What could I say? It’ll only take me about half an hour to get there, I wrote. I tied up my hair into a tight bun, because it was something I never did and it made me look different. I picked up my keys and wallet, and took the sunglasses out of my bag. This was the best I could do to ‘disguise’ in the time I had.

  By now the knocking had stopped. I waited a few more minutes, before looking through the peephole. Nobody there. I breathed some quiet deep breaths. Was Jack supposed to text me back? Or was less communication better in a situation like this? I really didn’t know. We’d never agreed on anything. But I had to go. I had to leave. Now. I went to the kitchen and put a small kitchen knife in my pocket.

  I stalked down the corridor with my head down. The previous evening I’d thought to check for a rear exit to this building. Just yesterday my half-hearted preparations for a possible escape with Jack had been a game I was playing. A fantasy. I hadn’t imagined that so quickly it would become real. The same never-ending concrete staircase I’d wandered down yesterday, I ran down today, legs like jelly. I had eighteen floors to get down. As soon as I got to the bottom, I’d be greeted by a wide door, which led out onto a quiet courtyard with a short narrow passage that led out onto the road. I would put my sunglasses on, blend into the crowd, walk a few blocks away, get a taxi and get the fuck away from here. My heart was drumming and my legs felt as though they were ready to collapse beneath me as I stepped down from the last stair and reached the door. Finally. Legs, don’t fail me now. Keep going Silvia, keep going. I took a deep breath as I placed my hand on the door’s handle. I was trembling all over. Come on Silvia, it’s okay. I tried to calm myself. You’re safer out there than in here. Come on. Finally I pressed down on the handle and pushed. Fuck. Nothing. Fuck. It was locked. No, Silvia, no, you can’t cry now. Go go, keep going! I considered my options and then decided I really only had one. I started marching back up the stairs. On my way I tried to compose myself. No tears. Breathe. You’re normal. Everything is normal. Act normal. You’ll be fine. I tried to avoid my thoughts as best I could. After climbing three flights I walked through a door that led out onto one of the lower floors of the building. I walked along the carpeted corridors, passing the numbered doors of different apartments, and trying to find my way to the lift. I was walking as quietly as I could, listening out for any sounds, any clues that someone might be around. I found the lift. I pressed the button repeatedly. The lift came. Down I went. Don’t think Silvia, I told myself again as I felt my heart race out of control as the lift travelled down. Just don’t think. I closed my eyes and everything felt like it was in slow motion. The lift came to a halt as it reached the ground floor. Ping. I opened my eyes wide and I braced myself. The doors slid open. My heart stopped and I held my breath. I looked. No one. Nothing. Just the comforting sound of city life outside the foyer. I took a couple of steps forward and for a few seconds I just stood there as though I had forgotten everything that was happening. I was alone, totally alone. The lift doors closed behind me and the sound spurred me back into action. Better out there than in here, I repeated to myself once again. I emptied my mailbox and shoved the contents into my bag. Go, just fucking go! Get out of here now! I put on my sunglasses and I left.

  At the mall I waited outside the gym, as Jack had instructed. I tried my best to look relaxed, as though I was casually waiting for someone. I only waited fifteen minutes, but it felt like hours. All the while I fiddled with the phone, praying he’d definitely received my text. A white, old-looking Chevrolet van with a surfboard strapped to the roof approached. Jack was behind the wheel. Relief. So much relief I almost smiled. I opened the door and climbed in. He looked at me briefly and started driving before saying anything. He was waiting for me to explain what the hell was going on.

  The words didn’t come out, my voice started trembling and I started to cry, as I felt I could finally release the pent up nerves. I wiped the tears away with my sleeve. Fuck, I was crying in front of him. I never cried in front of anyone. I felt so stupid.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘I’m fucking scared.’

  For a few minutes we said nothing. Absolutely nothing.

  ‘So are you going to tell me what happened?’ he finally said.

  ‘Someone knocked on my door.’

  He was waiting for me to elaborate, but in that moment I really didn’t want to relive what had happened.

  ‘Someone knocked on your door?! What the hell’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Give me a second,’ I said, ‘I’m sorry I just need a bit of time to process stuff in my head.’

  For a long time after I’d told him what had happened he kept repeating the same questions to me: Could the man who’d knocked on my door been someone else? Someone who wasn’t a threat? Someone perhaps who I knew from my childhood but had forgotten about? My answer was of course no. There could be no one. Of that I was totally sure.

  ‘But if they knew you were inside, they would have surely waited for you to come out?’ Jack said. He couldn’t comprehend why anyone would so openly mention the possibility of talking about my parents.

  ‘And why are they suddenly after you? How could they have possibly found out you’d told someone in such a short space of time?’

  I don’t know. I thought he’d know more about these things than me. But he was baffled by it, and that scared the shit out of me. I wanted to be as far away from the apartment as possible.

  Out of habit I went to reach for my phone to check the time.

  ‘Shit.’

  ‘What?’ he said.

  ‘I think I left my phone behind in the apartment.’

  ‘Which one? The one I gave you?’

  ‘No, I have that one,’ I said, still checking through my bag and pockets. ‘It’s the other on
e. My one. I don’t have it.’

  ‘Is that a problem?’ he asked.

  ‘Well… I mean… I suppose… I don’t know. Is it?’

  ‘Well you won’t exactly be needing it now, will you? You know, it’s probably best you didn’t take that phone,’ he said. ‘You can track phones all too easily these days.’

  God. We were actually running away, weren’t we?

  ‘How long did it take you to get to the gym anyway?’ I asked, after a long silence, trying to appease my nervousness with an alternative conversation.

  ‘Not long at all actually,’ he said, sounding quite cheery all of a sudden, ‘it’s crazy. I was at my friend’s house. Remember Adam, the one I told you about?’

  I couldn’t remember but made out that I did.

  ‘He lives just a few blocks from the Horton Plaza,’ he continued.

  I looked back at the van full of cardboard boxes and all sorts of stuff.

  ‘So how did you…?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s the crazy part. After last night I went home and prepared stuff, you know, just in case…’ he sounded embarrassed. ‘I mean I just thought I’d get it done and out of the way straight away.’

  I wondered about his enthusiasm. Yesterday this was all just a hypothetical emergency plan.

  ‘It took a while, because of all the books and documents I wanted to get together for your case.’

  Every time he said the word case I felt a small hint of excitement in my stomach, a miniscule flutter of butterflies, barely perceptible. A small sense of hope, I guess.

  ‘After all the packing I couldn’t sleep, so I called Adam and drove over to his.’

  ‘With all of this?’ I asked, pointing to the back of the van.

  ‘Yes,’ he nodded.

  ‘And he’s a good friend?’

  I was starting to wonder how much Adam knew. Jack must have sensed that.

  ‘Yes, he’s a really good friend. A really, really good one,’ he looked at me for a second, ‘and don’t worry,’ he said, ‘he doesn’t know who you are and he doesn’t know any of the details of your case. But he knows you exist. I thought it only safe to at least have someone know something before I left.’

  I nodded slowly, looking out at the car in front of us. For a second I again wondered what I was getting myself into.

  ‘Okay,’ I said.

  ‘He’s a lawyer too. Same field as me. We used to study together. Me and Adam… we’ve been through a lot.’

  He stopped, as though he didn’t want to go into any more details.

  We were silent for a moment.

  ‘So did you actually think this day was definitely going to come? You had me convinced it was just a precaution.’

  ‘I had no idea,’ he said finally.

  I glanced back into the van again. There was a wetsuit and a towel strewn across a couple of boxes. It almost looked like one man’s idea of a summer vacation. And then I remembered there was a surfboard strapped to the roof.

  ‘And what’s the surfboard for? Do you plan to go surfing or something, while I sit around wondering if I’m going to be kidnapped?’ Who was this guy I had decided to trust with my life?

  ‘Oh no, I don’t surf. That’s one of Adam’s… it’s just a last minute touch, something to make us look less suspect. I’ll take it off the roof and put it in the back when we’re up north.’

  ‘Oh really? How far north? Where are we even going?’

  I felt so clueless about this whole plan. He was quiet for a while, as though he was thinking about how to formulate his words.

  ‘Have you ever been to Alaska?’ he said.

  ‘Alaska?!’

  ‘Yes. Have you ever been?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘No, well neither have I,’ he paused, ‘but I’d like to.’

  ‘Oh, so this is some kind of vacation for you?!’

  He didn’t respond. He just looked on at the road ahead.

  ‘We’re going to Alaska?’ I said.

  ‘Yes,’ he laughed.

  ‘Are you serious? You’re fucking crazy!’ I said, ‘and what about the borders?’ I asked. If there was any chance that the authorities were looking for us, there was no way we’d ever be able to pass through any border controls.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘I have a way.’

  I looked out of my window, wide-eyed, trying to comprehend the magnitude of all that was happening. What the fuck had I agreed to? Who was this guy? Was he actually serious?

  ‘I haven’t packed enough stuff,’ I mumbled, more to myself than to him.

  ‘That’s okay,’ he said, ‘I have enough for the both of us.’

  ‘And do I get any say in this?’ I asked, still looking out of my window.

  ‘Not really.’

  I looked at him. The thing is, strangely, my lack of control or understanding in this situation didn’t seem to bother me. For some reason, I’d decided from the start that I trusted him. Whether I was right or wrong to feel that way I didn’t know. Maybe it was ludicrous and maybe it was insane but it was that inexplicable and almost incomprehensible sense of trust I felt for this stranger that had made me tell him everything in the first place. And so now I had to take another leap of faith and trust in his plan too, even if it meant going all the way to Alaska with him.

  Jesus. Alaska. It seemed totally absurd.

  But whether I actually trusted his plan or not there was little else I could do but stay in that van with him for the time being.

  I took him up on all of this because I had nothing to lose. Really, nothing. I don’t know what I’d expected would ever come of this life of mine. Perhaps more years of rolling along alone, never letting anyone in. Only now, I realised I’d always wanted to run away. And maybe he’d suggested the whole thing because he too had nothing to lose. Maybe we’d both actually secretly wanted an excuse to hit the road, break away and start something new. We were mad.

  I sunk into the seat, got comfortable and watched the streets, buildings and people of the outskirts of San Diego zoom past outside the van.

  ‘And so are there things I can and can’t ask you about this plan of yours?’ I said.

  ‘You can ask me anything at all. I’m not keeping any secrets from you.’

  ‘Okay. Good.’

  I sunk even deeper into the chair, leaned my head on my window and looked out at the sky.

  He laughed. ‘Who said anything about a plan though?’

  First Stop

  ‘This is stunning,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Apart from the other day at Cuyamaca, I haven’t been outside the city for years.’

  ‘Wow. Really?’

  ‘Yeah, I swear it’s been like over five years or something.’

  ‘That’s crazy.’

  We were quiet for a while, just staring at the view.

  ‘This is nothing,’ he said, ‘not compared to the other stuff we’ll see on this trip.’

  ‘This really is like a vacation for you, isn’t it? Some kind of adventure or something.’

  He shrugged and shook his head, but didn’t say anything. It was as though he was keeping something from me. I thought for a while, trying to understand him and see where he was coming from in all of this. Why he was doing any of it?

  ‘Hey,’ I said, ‘it’s not like that’s a bad thing. I could do with a vacation too.’ I smiled.

  ‘Do you go to the sea much?’

  ‘Sometimes. But the beaches round San Diego can get kinda crowded… it’s not the same.’

  ‘Yes… true… but even so, just to see the sea, you know? There’s something about it. There’s a hell of a lot of beautiful spots up the Californian coast, but I guess it makes it easier if you have a car.’

  I nodded. ‘I suppose we’ll be seeing them, then?’

  ‘No. I’ve pretty much seen most of the coast. Been there. Done that,’ he laughed. ‘Time to explore inland. I want to see something new.’ He searched my face for a reac
tion. He wanted to know if I was taking him seriously or not. ‘You know… a new adventure.’

  We continued looking out at the space before us in silence. For me this really was something else. I’d forgotten all about the existence of the natural world. Except, it turned out, that this was a manmade reservoir. It didn’t look artificial at all – it looked like a real huge natural lake, and the mountains that surrounded it – the San Bernardinos – were breathtakingly beautiful. The air smelled of warm dry earth and the breeze felt like summer. Being there brought back memories and sensations from the past. Good ones. There was something quite purifying about it. A release. I felt a sense of liberation.

  ‘This,’ I said, pointing at the view, ‘really is quite something for me.’

  ‘I can imagine,’ he said, ‘I don’t know how you’ve managed without it all this time.’

  When we got back to the van I felt blissed out. It was almost embarrassing. All I seemed capable of doing was staring into space in silence with a half smile on my face.

  ‘You okay?’ he said.

  ‘Yeah, I’m just suddenly really… really…’ I searched for the word, ‘relaxed.’

  He laughed.

  ‘It’s stupid, I know. It’s just, it’s been a while. Shit, I feel like I’m high or something,’ I said, and I laughed.

  ‘No, it’s good. I get it,’ he said, ‘I totally get it. I get like that often.’

  There was silence as we both stared out of the windscreen. I hesitated.

  ‘A joint right now wouldn’t go amiss though,’ I said, trying to suss him out a little more. Weed was fine, everyone smoked weed, right? Besides, hadn’t he mentioned something about a friend of his who was into psychedelics or something?

  He turned round, looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. ‘No, it wouldn’t,’ he said. Again he turned round to look out of the windscreen. ‘The problem is,’ he said, ‘I didn’t pack any.’

  ‘That’s okay,’ I said, ‘I did.’

  We laughed. I think this made us both realise that we still didn’t actually know each other at all.