Raging Love

by Jennifer Foor

  I sat down in front of the little boy and just took him in. His perfect little fingers were still folded together across his lap. I couldn’t speak. There was no way this could be happening to me, no way I had a child and didn’t know about it.

  Say something to the kid, you idiot…..

  Savanna’s voice broke my train of thought. “What do we have to do next? Are there papers we need to sign? A paternity test?”

  “Yes, all of the above Ma’am. We do require a paternity test if the father has no knowledge of the child, for legality purposes of course. The paperwork is standard. We have a list of his medical history as well as a psychological report from the hospital that treated him. It would be best if we took care of this as soon as possible. We would also need to know that you have room in your home for him, which obviously you do,” the gentleman explained.

  I stood up and held my hand out for the little boy. “It’s very nice to meet you, Noah.”

  He shook my hand and looked at my wedding ring. “Are you married to that pretty lady?” He pointed to Savanna. “My mommy was getting married before she had her accident.” His eyes got sad and he looked down at his lap again.

  “Noah, would you like that pretty lady, whose name is Savanna, to give you a tour of the house?”

  He smiled and looked at her as she approached. “Okay.”

  Oh God! I needed to talk to my wife. How could I expect her to be okay with something like this?

  She reached out her hand and he promptly took it, trusting her already. When I saw them getting to the top of the stairs, I turned to face the two agents. “After seein’ him with my own eyes, I would be a fool to deny that he is my child. I will take any test you need and sign all of the documents. I don’t know why she kept somethin’ like this from me. She knew I always wanted kids.”

  The woman caught me off guard when she spoke. “When we visited with her father, he told us she didn’t think you wanted children with her. When she finally had decided to tell you, you were already engaged to be married to someone else. She thought telling you would ruin your happiness. By that time, she had met someone herself and they were raising him together.”

  “But my name is on the birth certificate?”

  “Yes Sir, it was the first documentation we pulled.”

  “How old is he?”

  “His birthday is January 4, he is three and a half years old.”

  I started calculating everything in my head. “She was six months pregnant when she moved out? How could I have not known something like that?”

  “Mr. Mitchell we have had cases where mothers delivered healthy babies full term and never knew they were with child.”

  “Still, I should have been told. I missed out on so much of his life.”

  The woman opened her brief case and pulled out a bunch of forms. “I need you to sign these and we can do an oral swab on both of you today, if that is still okay?”

  “Of course. How long until we know the results?” I asked.

  “A couple days. In the meantime, we can petition the court for temporary custody. In an emergency situation like this, the judge will usually speed things up. We could know something as early as tonight if we turn this in before noon today.”

  “You can use my office. The computer and fax machine are in there.”

  “That is a big help. Thank you, Sir.”

  Savanna and Noah started walking down the steps. He never let go of her hand. Her face had no expression, but I couldn’t blame her. I had no idea what I was going to say to her.

  Noah and Savanna stood in front of me. “Do you like the house?”

  He shook his head. “It’s so big.”

  “It is big, but only because we wanted to fill it with cute kids.”

  He looked down at his feet. I grabbed his chin and lifted it up. “Would you like to live here and fill one of those rooms with lots of cool stuff?”

  He said nothing, but as if it were slow motion, he let go of Savanna’s hand and plopped his body against mine, hugging me tight. I wrapped my arms around his little body and took in his scent.

  I had a son.

  This was my child.

  I was a father.

  The two agents looked from each other and then back to Noah and I. “We are going to go outside and make some calls. Is it okay if the child stays here?” The woman asked.

  “Of course.”

  When the agents went outside, I grabbed Noah and took him into the kitchen. Savanna always had some sort of ice-cream in the freezer. We sat him down on a high stool and leaned across from him watching him eat his ice cream sandwich. “Is it good?”

  “Yes. I love ice cream. Mommy didn’t let me have it. She said it would make my teeth icky.” He looked sad again.

  I reached over and touched his shoulder. “You miss your mommy don’t you? It’s okay if you do. My daddy died in an accident and I miss him every day.”

  The child’s wet eyes looked right at me. “Did you cry a lot?”

  I let out a cackle of air. “Yeah, I did. Savanna will tell you how bad it was for me. I didn’t want to ever talk about it because it made me so sad.”

  “Yeah. Is she in heaven now?”

  “Of course she is. She is probably looking down at you right now, being your guardian angel.” I noticed that Savanna was saying nothing, but I couldn’t step away from the boy to speak to her alone. She couldn’t expect me to turn my back on a child I never knew I had. I was his father, for Christ sakes.

  “So, what is your favorite thing to do? What do you like?”

  “I like trains and dinosaurs and airplanes and army men. Sometimes I play legos, but Mommy stepped on one and she said it hurt like Hell, so I don’t play them anymore.”

  We both laughed when he said Hell, but he had no inclination it wasn’t a proper word to use. I reached my arm over and pulled Savanna tight against my body. As Noah concentrated on his ice cream, I turned to face Savanna and leaned my forehead on hers. “Are you okay with this?”

  She looked at the little boy and then back to me. “I knew he was yours from the moment I saw those eyes. How could I not want something that is a part of you? You really didn’t know about him did you?”

  I pressed my lips against hers and held them there, until we heard Noah. “Ewww, you get cooties from that, ya know.”

  We both started laughing. “No way, cooties? Well, I am never kissing again then,” I joked.

  Noah started laughing.

  I leaned over the counter again. “Noah, you are goin’ to be livin’ here with Savanna and I from now on. We can decorate your room in anything you want. In fact, Savanna loves to redecorate.” I threw her a wink. “Does that sound okay with you?”

  “You mean, I get one of those giant rooms?”

  “Sure do!”

  He looked sad. “I don’t like the dark very much.”

  “We’ll get you a big fat night light.” Savanna interrupted.

  “Do I have to call you Daddy?”

  It caught me off guard. I had no idea what to say. After taking a deep breath and thinking about what would be the best thing to say, I sat down beside him. “Buddy, you can call me Colt for now, if that makes you feel better. I know we just met and this is all kind of new for both of us.”

  “But, you are my dad, aren’t you? That lady said I was going to live with my dad.”

  I laughed. “Yeah kid, I’m your dad. I didn’t know it until today, but there is no denying it. You look just like me kiddo. Wait until you meet my mother, she will go crazy over you.”

  “Is she an old lady?” He asked.

  I started laughing. “She isn’t that old. Would you like to meet her right now? She lives on the ranch too. In fact this whole ranch belongs to our family.”

  “Even the big fat cows?”

  Savanna was rolling. “Every single one.”

  “What else is here?”

  “Chickens. Lots of chickens. We grow our own vegetables. We have a few horses. The
re is a big pool at the main house where my mother lives.” The little boy seemed so interested.

  “Can we go see it all?”

  I looked over to Savanna and she nodded. She leaned over to talk to Noah. “I think that you and Colt should take a ride on the golf cart and explore everything right now. Would you like that Noah?”

  “YEAH!” He hopped down off his stool and grabbed my hand. It was the coolest feeling. “Come on, let’s go.”

  I turned around to face Savanna and couldn’t tell what she was thinking. As excited as I was that I had this beautiful little boy, I knew it wasn’t going to be all peaches and cream with Savanna. We had lost our child tragically and I would never want to replace that void with another child, but Noah was mine. Savanna still wanted her own children with me. We needed to be able to talk about this before I got in way over my head and lost her. She had been so fragile and was still in therapy. I was very afraid that this was going to break her. “Do you want to come with us?”

  She shook her head and I could see the tears forming in her eyes. “No, you go ahead. You have so much time to make up for. Besides, the agents are still working on his case. I will just sit here in case they need anything.”

  “I love you Savanna Mitchell. I hope you know that.” I couldn’t tell her I was sorry for all of this happening the way it was in front of the boy. He had lost the only family he ever knew. He needed to feel welcomed and loved. “And no, I had no idea I had a son. Darlin’ I swear to you that I had no idea.”

  Noah grabbed on to me as we exited the house. He held my hand even after we climbed onto the golf cart. “So where do you want to go first?”

  He looked up at me. “I’ve never had a grandmother before. My friends at pre-school have grandmothers and they buy them cool things. Will my grandmother buy me things too?”

  He was so innocent when he asked that I knew he wasn’t being selfish. He was too little to even understand that. “Trust me when I say, that you will probably get more gifts than you will ever even ask for. My mother is goin’ to spoil you.”

  “Will she love me? My friend’s grandmothers love them.”

  I stopped the golf cart and looked at him. “Noah, of course she will.”

  “Will you love me?”

  My heart broke for him. I squeezed his hand and kissed the top of his head. Tears started forming in my eyes as I stared at my mirror image. “Buddy, I think that I loved you as soon as I saw you. I knew you were mine from that moment.”

  I have no idea what she was doing all the way out here, but Sam came running out of the woods. “Cool, a dog.”

  “That’s Sam, she’s our dog.” Sam came up and jumped right on our laps, crushing poor little Noah. “Calm down girl. This is Noah.”

  Noah started petting her while she licked all over his face. Small giggles were coming from his little body and I couldn’t help but love how perfect his laughter sounded to me. “I get to have a real dog?”

  “Yes.” I laughed.

  Sam finally jumped down and raced us to the ranch house. Noah thought it was funny how she was trying to keep up with us.

  I parked in front of the house and we both started walking toward it. Lucy must have seen us pulling up because she opened the door as we approached. She put her hand over her mouth and gasped, saying something in Spanish. I grabbed her on the shoulder. “Where is my Mom?”

  She pointed toward the kitchen, but just stood there staring. My mother was taking a sip of her coffee as we walked into the room. She took one look at Noah and started choking. While she grabbed a napkin and cleaned herself off, she never took her eyes off of Noah. I was still holding his hand as we walked closer.

  “Tell me I’m dreaming, Son?”

  I crouched down to Noah’s level. “Mom, I would like you to meet my son Noah. We just met today, but he will be staying with us from now on.” There was no sugar coating things.

  She kneeled down in front of Noah and started to cry as she ran her hands through his dark hair. “How is this possible? Did you know? Where is the mother? Where is Savanna? Is she okay?”

  “Calm down.” That was a bunch of questions. “I had no idea until about an hour ago. You know better than to even ask that. Krista was his mother and there was a terrible accident. She and her boyfriend were killed in a car accident. She listed me on the birth certificate, but never told me about her being pregnant. This is all a shock to me too, Mom.” I patted Noah on the head. “Savanna is home with the agents assigned to his case. They are doing the necessary paperwork so that Noah can live with us from now on.”

  She cupped his cheeks and looked into his eyes. “There is no denying this child Colton. My Lord, he looks exactly like you.” She reached over and kissed the top of his head, while still trying to contain her tears. “Would you like some cookies?”

  “I’m not supposed to have cookies before lunch.”

  Lucy was standing behind me, still in shock. My mother looked toward her. “Well then, I guess we need to feed you lunch first.”

  I patted him on the back and whispered in his ear. “You ate an ice cream before lunch.”

  He giggled and put his head down. “I won’t tell.”

  “Me either Buddy.”

  Lucy made Noah a peanut butter and jelly with no crusts. He ate every bite while I explained everything that happened to my mother and Lucy. They were still in shock, but to be honest, so was I. This morning I left the house thinking it was going to be a normal day. I had no idea that somewhere out there I had a child.

  Just as I had suspected, my mother accepted Noah immediately. She ran up to her room and got old pictures from when I was his age.

  Lucy started feeding him cookies while my mother pulled me to the side. “Son, how is Savanna with all of this?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. I haven’t had a second alone with her. She says she is okay with him living with us but, not to be ignorant toward her, I just could never turn my back on my own child.”

  “Of course not. I didn’t raise you to be that kind of man. I just think you need to really sit down and find out how she is handling this. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get through. A child is a huge responsibility and with everything my daughter in law had been through this past year, I would say this could be a big breaking point. Don’t get me wrong Colt, I couldn’t be happier for you, but Savanna might not be as okay as she is saying.”

  My mother was right and it wasn’t Savanna’s fault. I couldn’t expect her to come out of this without some hard feelings. “I will talk to her tonight.”

  Of course my mother dropped whatever she was doing and rode back to my house with us. She held Noah on her lap and talked all about the farm. He seemed interested and she was more than happy to keep him occupied. When we got to the house, we found Savanna on the porch swing. Shockingly, Noah jumped off my mother’s lap and went running for Savanna. She lifted him up onto the swing with her. That little kid wrapped his arms around her and stayed like that. Savanna hesitated then finally let her arm fall down over his body. She shrugged as we climbed up on the porch. I didn’t know what to say. Noah obviously really trusted her. He would need that to be able to adjust to the changes in his life.

  I leaned down to kiss my wife and thankfully she kissed me back. “Hey Darlin’, Mom can’t get enough of the kid.”

  “I knew that would happen. He is super cute.” Savanna looked down at Noah who was smiling at her.

  “You’re pretty.” He giggled.

  “Well, you are a cutie.”

  “Are you going to be my Mommy now?”

  Everything stopped.

  My mother and I said nothing as we stared into Savanna’s shocked eyes.

  Chapter 16

  Savanna

  I had no idea what to say to the child with his arms wrapped around me. He was the cutest little boy I had ever seen and I wanted to be completely in love with him. For the past two hours I had cried, laughed, called my mother, cried some more and t
hen finally just sat in silence.

  Was I even right to be feeling hurt?

  Did I have the right to cry?

  If Colt knew I was the reason our baby had died, would he have really wanted me to be a mother to Noah? I felt the vomit rising in my mouth as I tried to tuck that secret in the back of my mind. I was so tired of reliving it every single day. I needed to move on, but doing that would require me to live with the lie, with the knowledge of what I lost.

  Noah continued to wait for me to answer and as the tears fell down my chilled cheeks, I brought my lips down and kissed the top of his head. This was Colt’s child and I could never abandon him. “Is that what you want? I mean, you don’t have to call me Mommy. Savanna or Van is fine with me.”

  “Van is a funny name.”

  “It’s my nickname.”

  “Can we watch T.V. now?” Obviously, he was finished with our conversation.

  “How about I take you inside and watch with you. I think your dad and Savanna have some things they need to talk about.” My mother in law took Noah’s hand and they disappeared into the house.

  Colt sat down next to me, grabbing my hand and kissing it, before setting it down in his lap. “Are you okay Darlin’?”

  I shrugged. “I want to be. It’s all just so fast. It’s just so overwhelming.”

  He reached his arm around me and pulled me close to him. “Savanna, I love you with all of my heart, but you know I can’t turn my back on that kid. I wish we would have found out differently, but I can’t regret finding out about him.”

  I reached up and touched my husband’s stubbly face. “I love you too baby. I know what this means to you and I will do everything I can to help you raise him.”

  He looked down at my hand and creased his face up. Without looking back at me he started to talk. “If we are goin’ to do this and add more children to this family, he is goin’ to need you to be his mother. Now, I know this is all so fast, but you are ready to be a mother. We talked about adoptin’ if you couldn’t get pregnant again. There is no difference. He already has my last name Savanna. I’m not askin’ you to replace his mother, but she is gone and you are here. Losin’ a parent as an adult is hard enough, but I can’t imagine what that kid is feelin’. He needs solidity. He needs us both.”