Flings and Arrows

by Debbie Viggiano

  ‘It’s nerves,’ Steph clung to June weakly, mirth shaking her body.

  ‘What are we going to do?’ gasped June clutching her sides.

  ‘We need to get out of here,’ Steph now had tears rolling down her cheeks.

  ‘Did you see his face?’ June wheezed, clearly at the painfully funny stage of hysterics.

  A volley of swearing had broken out in the middle cubicle.

  ‘YOU STUPID GIRL,’ Harry was screaming at Melody, ‘I might have contracted some horrible disease from this STINKING lot of–’

  Steph didn’t wait to hear any more. Grabbing June by one arm, the pair of them legged it to the rest room door.

  Chapter Seventy

  After Steph had left the table, Si had sat for a full five minutes before signalling Dawn over.

  ‘Sorry love, can you put these dinners in the oven?’ he’d asked. ‘Everybody’s disappeared.’

  ‘Of course pet.’

  Dawn had whisked the plates away. Si had then looked at his watch and decided that everybody’s absence was ridiculous. Harry had been gone for half an hour. June, the best part of twenty minutes. Clearly his wife had fared no better. Si had decided that either a massive black hole in the rest rooms was sucking its occupants into the depths of the universe, or else everybody had monumental bowel problems. Si had looked at his watch again before draining his champagne glass. And then he’d decided that he too might as well do a Jimmy Riddle.

  And now, inside the Gents, Si stood before the brand new urinals. Another man was also standing before one. Si unzipped and stood next to him. Both men stared ahead in silence. As Si relieved himself, he became aware of muffled noises. The sounds were coming from next door – the female rest room. The noises increased. It was evident some sort of kerfuffle was going on. Now a woman was shrieking her head off and a man was swearing. A man? In the Ladies?

  ‘I say,’ the bloke standing next to Si said, ‘do you think everything’s okay next door?’

  Si looked at the man and his mouth dropped open. Bloody hell. Barry Hastings. Si nearly lost aim. Barry Hastings was now zipping up but not before Si had inadvertently glimpsed sight of Barry’s privates. Well, well, well. Barry Hastings might have the looks of a Greek God, the sporting prowess of an Olympic Gold Medallist and a business brain like The Dragons, but God hadn’t smiled kindly on him in the trouser department. Si instantly felt ten feet tall.

  ‘Do I know you?’ asked Barry. ‘You look awfully familiar.’

  Si zipped up and washed his hands. ‘You know my wife better.’

  Barry looked puzzled.

  ‘Steph Garvey.’

  ‘Ah.’ Barry was now looking a bit shifty. As well he might. ‘You’re Simon.’

  Si dried his hands. ‘The very one and same.’ He blocked the exit door. ‘If World War Three wasn’t breaking out in next door’s rest room, I’d hang around here to start World War Three in the Gents with you.’

  Barry looked alarmed. He backed away. Hands up. ‘Now look–’

  ‘No you look! Don’t you ever contact Steph again. Or I’ll get hold of your Facebook Status and shove it right up your–’

  Si paused. Bedlam was occurring next door. Si could hear things being thrown about. Bugger Barry Hastings. He wasn’t worth it. Si left Barry cowering against the urinals and hauled the Gents’ door open. He rushed over to the Ladies. Somebody in there sounded as mad as a hornet. And that person was definitely male. Perhaps he was trying to rape somebody. Si took a deep breath and charged at the door. But before he could make contact, somebody within opened it. Si shot through the aperture, straight past a surprised June and Steph and cannoned into the washbasins. He slid down to the floor as the breath whooshed out of him. For now, he could only stare at the events unfolding around him. Was this for real? Or had everybody gone mad?

  June and Steph were soaked from the knees down. Both of them were trailing sodden toilet paper. Si’s eyes widened as Harry lumbered out of the middle cubicle. His progress was hampered by trousers around his ankles. On his back was a half naked Melody. She was shrieking her head off, tits flopping everywhere and brandishing a bog brush.

  ‘Marry me Harry – I want your babies!’

  ‘Get OFF you stupid girl,’ Harry was jerking from side to side in an attempt to throw Melody off.

  ‘Not until you tell me you love me.’

  ‘But I don’t love you!’ Harry wailed. ‘I love Juney.’

  Si watched as June’s face contorted with rage.

  ‘How dare you Harry Cavendish!’ She marched over to the wastebasket full of wet paper towels. ‘You wouldn’t know the meaning of love if it walloped you in the face.’ June picked the wastebasket up, brandishing it menacingly.

  ‘Don’t you touch him!’ snarled Melody.

  ‘And as for you,’ June rounded on Melody, ‘trash for trash!’ And with that June flung the wastebasket at Harry and Melody.

  ‘Oh God,’ spluttered Harry as he shook off wet paper towels, ‘I can’t take any more of this.’

  ‘I’m going home now Harry,’ June said. Her voice was dangerously calm. ‘And I never want to see you again.’

  ‘But we haven’t had dinner yet,’ Harry wailed.

  ‘I think dinner is off,’ muttered Steph.

  Si hauled himself up from the floor. ‘Thanks for the champers Harry but I think we’re just about done. Personally I’d stick with Melody. You’re both two of a kind. Have a nice life together.’

  And with that Si opened the rest room door and guided June and Steph out. As they walked through the restaurant, Si was very aware of curious eyes upon the women.

  Dawn appeared. ‘Are you ready for your dinners now pet?’

  ‘No love,’ said Si. ‘But Harry might be in another minute or two. I think Melody could do with your help though. She’s in a bit of a pickle.’

  ‘What’s she done now?’ Dawn looked alarmed.

  Si jerked his head at the Ladies. ‘She’s got Harry in a stranglehold and won’t let go until he agrees to marry her. Oh – and before I forget – Barry’s in the Gents. For some reason he’s a bit frightened to come out.’ Si winked at her.

  Shepherding June and Steph over to their abandoned dinner table, Si retrieved Steph’s laptop from underneath and gathered June’s hat up.

  ‘Come on girls. Let’s go home.’

  Chapter Seventy One

  Now that adrenalin had finished whooshing around her body, June was starting to feel a bit peculiar. Walking through the bar, she stopped and clung on to the counter.

  ‘What’s the matter love?’ Si took her elbow.

  ‘I’m not sure dear.’ June took some deep breaths. ‘I feel very shaky.’

  At that moment Arnold materialised by her side.

  ‘June! Is everything all right?’ His kind face was full of concern. ‘Bridget went to use the Ladies and didn’t dare go in. She said there was some sort of fracas going on. She’s gone to find the manager. And then I saw you and your friends hurrying out.’

  ‘I’ve just had a bit of a ding-dong with somebody,’ June’s voice wobbled. She suddenly had a terrible urge to burst into tears. Oh no. She’d been fine up until now.

  ‘June’s had a bit of a shock,’ said Si.

  ‘Then she must have a brandy,’ said Arnold. ‘Barman!’

  ‘N-no thank you Arnold. I’d much rather go home.’

  ‘Damn,’ said Si. ‘We’re going to have to catch the bus. Harry brought us here. We can hardly ask him for a lift home.’

  ‘It would be my pleasure to give you all a lift,’ said Arnold. ‘Let me just say good-bye to Bridget. Ah, here she comes.’

  ‘There’s a right rum do going on over there,’ said Bridget striding over. ‘Some old boy has just wandered out the toilet exposing himself to patrons. He’s screaming blue bloody murder. A young woman’s grappled him to the ground. She’s beating the daylights out of him with a toilet brush. But for some reason she’s half starkers. Extraordinary sight. I say June, you look
a bit pale. What’s up?’

  ‘That naked man was my dinner companion. I’ve just caught him and the young woman–’ she broke off and took a few deep breaths.

  ‘Bonking,’ Steph put in helpfully.

  ‘–in the toilet,’ June gasped.

  ‘Well they were on it actually,’ said Steph.

  ‘Yes,’ June quavered. ‘Lid down. Bottoms up. Not a pretty sight.’

  Bridget puffed out her cheeks. ‘Good Lord. Well the Manager isn’t very happy. They’ve broken the toilet by all accounts. There’s water everywhere. Anyway, you’re better off without the likes of men like that June. You want a nice steady chap. Like Arnold here.’

  June blushed.

  ‘Now then,’ Arnold chided Bridget, ‘don’t embarrass June. I’ve been attempting to charm her but I’m not sure she’s interested.’

  ‘Well I would have asked you out myself June,’ grinned Bridget, ‘but I didn’t think I was your type.’

  ‘Oh but I am,’ June gabbled. Her cheeks were going from pink to bright red. ‘I’m very interested.’

  June looked at the little group assembled around her. Everybody’s mouths had dropped open. Exactly who was she staking her interest in here?

  ‘I mean–’ God this was embarrassing!

  In a trice Arnold jumped into the awkward pause, rescuing June from any further discomfiture. ‘I think we know what you mean June. And your words are music to my ears. Meanwhile Bridget, I’m going to see these good people home.’

  ‘Okay.’ Bridget pecked Arnold on the cheek. ‘I have to be off now anyway. Need to pick my sister up from the station. She’s coming to stay for a couple of days. Toodle-oo folks.’

  Everybody bade Bridget farewell. June then properly introduced her neighbours to Arnold. She watched as Steph and Si shook hands with Arnold and made small talk. June could tell they had both taken an instant liking to Arnold. She sighed. Life was peculiar sometimes. What was it that made people either like or loathe each other? June knew that despite the best laid plans, Steph and Si hadn’t really taken to Harry. And yet here they were, within minutes of meeting Arnold, giving him genuinely warm smiles. But then again, June knew that Arnold was the real deal. She gulped. She couldn’t quite believe her brain had just thought that. But in fact, it wasn’t her brain. It was her heart. She could sense with every fibre of her being that Arnold was the man for her. And had been all along. He’d waited quietly in the wings while she’d charged blindly after another man with a big house and bigger ego. How shallow did that make her? June bit her lip.

  ‘June?’ Arnold interrupted her musings.

  She looked up. ‘Sorry. I was miles away.’

  Arnold crooked his elbow. ‘Shall we?’

  June smiled shyly. ‘Most definitely. Thank you Arnold.’

  On the way home to Jessamine Terrace, June leant back against the head rest. Steph and Si were talking quietly to each other in the back. June couldn’t hear what they were saying. She gazed at the road ahead. The car’s engine and the comfortable head rest were having a soporific effect. Arnold didn’t drive a BMW. But there was nothing wrong with a Jaguar Estate. Arnold’s Labrador certainly had plenty of room in the back.

  ‘Penny for them,’ said Arnold glancing across at her.

  June smiled. ‘I was just thinking what a lovely car this is for your dog.’

  ‘Yes. Milly is a lucky girl.’ Arnold slowed down as traffic lights ahead changed to red. ‘Do you know what I particularly like about this car?’

  ‘I really don’t know anything about motors,’ June smiled apologetically.

  ‘Oh it’s nothing technical,’ Arnold assured. ‘It’s more to do with maths actually.’

  ‘Maths?’

  ‘Yes. The logistics of floor area. That sort of thing.’

  ‘You’ve lost me now,’ June gave Arnold a confused look. Arnold checked the traffic lights were still red and then looked at her. Was that a twinkle in his eye?

  ‘There is a four hundred and fifty-five litre boot behind you June. That’s a lot of space.’

  ‘It certainly is,’ June nodded.

  ‘More than big enough for Milly,’ Arnold nodded.

  June considered. Was Arnold trying to say what she thought he was trying to say?

  ‘You mean–’ she paused, unsure.

  ‘I mean there’s plenty of room for a second dog. Like Ralph.’

  June smiled.

  Arnold grinned back. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. And as the traffic lights flicked to green, June realised that life could change in an instant. Just like those traffic lights. Except this time she knew which direction she was travelling in.

  Chapter Seventy Two

  Steph couldn’t wait to get into a hot bath and scrub herself from top to bottom. Getting flushed away by a toilet wasn’t an experience she ever wanted to repeat. She stood on the doorstep of 42 Jessamine Terrace, hugging the recovered laptop as she waited for Si to unlock the front door.

  ‘Home at last,’ he said.

  ‘I can’t wait to peel off these clothes,’ said Steph.

  ‘Don’t let me stop you,’ Si waggled his eyebrows.

  ‘I feel dirty,’ said Steph.

  ‘This conversation is getting better and better.’

  ‘Idiot,’ Steph smiled.

  Si’s hands snaked around her waist. He pulled her to him.

  ‘I mean it.’ He lowered his head and kissed her on the mouth. His hands moved round to her front and began undoing buttons.

  ‘Tom might be home,’ Steph murmured between kisses.

  ‘Tom’s at a salsa lesson, remember?’

  Steph giggled as Si began kissing her neck. ‘You’re tickling me.’

  At that moment Si’s tummy let out a huge rumble. He straightened up.

  ‘I’m famished,’ he groaned.

  ‘Shall I make us a sandwich?’

  ‘No. I’ll make it. Go and run a really big bubble bath. We’ll have our sandwiches in the tub. Together. Be a bit romantic for once eh?’

  ‘Good heavens Simon Garvey,’ Steph rolled her eyes theatrically. ‘You certainly know how to inject the steaminess into bath time.’

  ‘Stick with me kid. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Cheese and pickle?’

  ‘That will do nicely. And a cup of your finest tea my good man.’

  Steph stood on her tiptoes and kissed Si very thoroughly on the mouth.

  ‘Enough of that Mrs Garvey. Or I’ll wrestle you to the ground and have my wicked way on the doormat.’

  ‘Okay, I’m going!’ Steph laughed and sprang away. Clutching the laptop to her chest, she sprinted up the stairs.

  Steph tossed the machine onto the bed and then went into the bathroom. Tipping scented liquid under the running water, she left the tub to fill and returned to the bedroom. She was just about to undress when her eyes rested on the laptop. She stared at it. Thank goodness Melody had returned it. However, after the disastrous events with Barry Hastings, Steph had to admit the thrill of Facebook had paled. She walked over to the machine. The batteries were still charged. She switched it on. Moments later Facebook filled the screen. Steph scrolled through her list of friends. No Barry Hastings. She scrolled up again. He’d definitely gone. Steph wasn’t altogether surprised. In fact, deleting the account seemed like a very good idea. She’d only bought the laptop to go on Facebook. Was there any point in keeping the computer? Getting shot of the wretched thing actually appealed. She would give it to Tom for university. Steph smiled to herself. It was as if an enormous weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

  Steph went back to the bathroom. Turning off the taps, she stripped down to her underwear.

  ‘Now there’s a sexy sight,’ said Si. He was holding a tray aloft.

  ‘Sock-grey underwear? Hardly sexy.’

  And then Steph remembered the purple and black underwear. Now that had been sexy. She could feel herself reddening at the memory of Ralph coming into June’s house trailing the garments in his mouth.<
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  Si placed the tray on the floor. ‘I don’t give a toss about your sock-grey underwear Steph.’ He straightened up and wrapped his arms around her. ‘It’s what’s in the underwear that counts.’

  Steph wound her arms around Si’s neck. She gazed up into his kind, honest face. They’d come so close to losing each other. Sometimes you never knew what you had until you nearly lost it. She was so relieved Si hadn’t had flings with Dawn and Amanda. And thank God nothing had happened between her and Barry Hastings. Well. Apart from that kiss. Steph cringed. Thinking of Barry Hastings now, Steph couldn’t imagine what she’d ever seen in the man. From now on things were going to be very different in her marriage. Steph was going to make sure Si knew exactly what he meant to her. Every single day.

  ‘I love you,’ she whispered. ‘So much.’

  ‘I love you too.’

  This time it was Steph’s stomach that growled loudly. Si threw back his head with laughter.

  ‘Come on. Jump in the bath and I’ll pass you a sandwich.’

  Two hours later, they lay entwined in bed. Steph felt incredibly content. She loved the feeling of her skin against Si’s. And that was another thing. No more nightdresses. Not for sleeping in anyway. From now on she was going to be sensual and sensuous. She’d waft around the house in a cloud of perfume with nothing on and drive Si bonkers with lust. Downstairs the front door banged. Correction. She’d waft around the house in a cloud of perfume with nothing on once Tom had gone to university. She listened as Tom bounded up the stairs.

  ‘That’s put an end to our afternoon delight,’ she murmured.

  ‘I’ve had a thought,’ said Si.

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘What about us going away. Somewhere hot. It could be a second honeymoon.’

  ‘Sounds dreamy,’ Steph sighed.

  There was a loud rap on their bedroom door.

  ‘Because what I’d really like,’ Si whispered, ‘is to ravage you senseless without–’

  There was another knock. More persistent this time. Suddenly the door opened and Tom walked in.

  ‘Hey Mum! Dad! Whatever are you doing in bed in the middle of the afternoon? Aren’t you feeling well?’