by Chapple, GL
Lindsay had been one of my best friends, she’d known more about me than anyone else, even Nate, whom I thought of as my brother. I’d opened up to her; I’d loved her and trusted her…and now I missed her so much it was a constant physical ache. I was so angry with her for leaving me. I was furious with her for putting herself in the situation that resulted in her death, for not listening to Nate when he told her to wait, for ignoring her training and going into a house on her own. I felt guilty that I hadn’t been there with her. I felt guilty because I couldn’t let go of my anger towards her. Unfortunately, losing someone you’d loved and feeling swallowed up by guilt wasn’t a new feeling for me. I’d been shattered a long time ago. I’d become adept at hiding and suppressing the jagged pieces of me, pushing them deep down inside, so nobody would ever know just how broken I really was.
I pushed the dark thoughts away as I listened to Maddie rushing up the stairs and into the spare room. I didn’t know if I should have tried to comfort her. The hurt I’d seen flash in her eyes had unsettled me. For a split second I felt as if the mask had slipped. I’d recognised and understood - more than most would have - not the confident, vivacious Maddie that was on show for everyone, but the broken, sad little girl that hid away inside her. I rubbed my hands over my face and sighed.
Stop projecting, Marcus - not everyone is as fucked-up as you.
The house settled into silence again, and I leaned back against the sofa, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, trying to force my mind to remain blank. I knew I’d feel like shit in the morning - and not just because of the amount of alcohol I’d consumed. I got up and went upstairs, keen to shower and get into bed.
My mouth felt so dry I could hardly swallow. I peeled my eyes open and reached across for the glass of water and tablets that I knew were on my bedside table. It was times like this that I loved living with my sister.
I lay back against my pillow, memories of the previous night washing over me. I felt a twinge of guilt for my actions with…shit! I couldn’t even remember her name…I tried for a moment to recall it, but it wasn’t there. I gave a mental shrug - it made no difference anyway. I had no plans to see her again. I remembered that Maddie had stayed over; our ridiculous conversation came back to me, thoughts of “Miss Quayside” forgotten, and a small smile crept over my face.
Reluctantly, I left my bed in search of food. The house was empty and quiet. I knew Kelly had left for work and presumed that Maddie had already gone home. I made myself breakfast - two pieces of toast – that was the extent of my cooking abilities when nursing a hangover with barely four hours’ sleep. I put the TV on, just to have some noise around me, and sat watching it but paying no attention.
I wanted to go back to bed. I cursed myself for drinking so much the previous night. Nate was not going to be impressed, and the last thing I needed was him on my case again. I glanced at the clock and sighed, forcing myself to my feet to go and get changed.
I was just walking down the stairs when I heard the doorbell chime. I rubbed my hands once more over my face, blinking rapidly and hoping I didn’t look as rough as I felt. I opened the door to meet Nate’s look of reproach. So that would be a fail, then…
“You look like shit.” He was blunt and to the point.
“I’m good.” I shrugged my jacket on and walked out, pulling the door closed behind me.
He followed me to his car. He held out a stick of gum to me as I got into the passenger seat. “Take it! It’s not a request. You smell like a brewery.”
I took it and began to chew, turning the radio on in the hopes of avoiding a discussion. No such luck.
Nate reached across to turn the sound down and asked good-naturedly, “good night?”
“It was alright. Maddie came back and slept at mine. She’d been out with Kelly.” I hoped talk of Maddie would distract him. I saw his eyebrows rise as he considered this for a moment.
“So, you enjoyed?” he asked, refusing to be drawn off-topic.
“It was alright,” I mumbled.
He shook his head. “I know it hurts, Bro, but you can’t keep doing this…You’re hurting.”
“Fuck off, Nate. Who am I hurting? I’m a grown man. I went out and got pissed. I had a good night. I don’t need you giving me a lecture. I’m here, aren’t I?”
He turned and stared me down despite still driving the car. “You’re hurting yourself, Marcus. If it were making you happy, I’d be all for you going out, getting pissed and getting laid. But seriously, enough now. Take a look at yourself! I hate seeing you like this. You’ve got people who care about you. Let us in…let us help.”
“Leave me be. It is what it is. Talking doesn’t help. It doesn’t make anything hurt less or feel different, and it doesn’t change a damn thing. You think you’d just pick yourself up and dust yourself off if it had been Lena?” I saw him wince and knew that had been a low blow.
Nate took a deep breath but said no more. We drove on in silence.
I knew he meant to help - shit – a few years back the roles had been reversed, and I’d been doing my damndest to pull him back from the brink after both his parents had been killed in a car crash. I loved him as much as I loved Kelly, but he couldn’t help me, as much as I wished he could stop me feeling like this.
The darkness that I’d spent most of my life trying to outrun was finally snapping at my heels. I was exhausted. The smiles that I plastered on my face were getting harder to find, the laughter becoming more and more forced. I felt as if I’d been swimming against the tide for too long - my limbs were heavy, weighed down with memories and feelings that Lindsay’s death had brought back to the surface; memories and feelings that I’d spent a lifetime pushing away and running from, burying deep, covering with makeshift bandages in the form of women, alcohol, work and training. I was tired, sick of it all. I just wanted to give up and float away, to allow the numbness and darkness to take over. I closed my eyes and leaned against the seat.
My best friend was getting married. They’d been through more than their fair share of heartache and pain to get there, and I should be celebrating with them, but I was struggling to feel anything at all. Of course, I was happy for them, but I felt numb, and empty.
I felt his hand rest on my shoulder and squeeze gently. He didn’t say anything; he didn’t need to.
I opened my eyes and glanced at him as he removed his hand and continued to drive the car, his action confirming again that he was there for me. His jaw was tight, his shoulders bunched up with tension, and I knew how helpless and upset he was feeling. I hated that I’d made him feel like that. I forced myself to speak even though I wanted to keep my head back and my eyes closed. Nate was a good guy. As much as I was hurting, I didn’t want to be the reason for my friend’s pain.
“Tiger or lion - who’s your money on?” I asked, watching as his face furrowed with confusion. He turned to look at me, and I forced a grin. He reciprocated, and I caught the relief in his eyes.
“Tiger. Every time,” He answered decisively, and I chuckled, nodding.
“Of course it is.”
“She’s crazy and beautiful, which I know are your typical prerequisites, but she’s off limits, yeah?” He was kidding, or at least trying to – I’m sure, if I’d tried to go there, he’d have had more than a few reservations. His wedding was coming up quickly – now was not the time for the best man and maid of honour to be hooking up - especially since that’s all it would be – I didn’t do relationships…Lindsay had been the exception.
“She’s got a boyfriend.” I shrugged, as if that was enough.
I knew that he’d been referring to Maddie. In truth, I’d been attracted to her from the moment I’d met her and Lena in the bar, but I had no intention of acting on that, whether she had a boyfriend or not. It was simply too complicated to warrant the fun.
“Marcus…” Nate’s voice held a warning note that I couldn’t help but exploit.
“She’s still with that Christian dude, right? I wouldn
’t go after another fella’s girl. Chill! She’s out of reach…at the moment. ”
“She’s out of reach - period. But, yeah, she’s still with him. Whether she is or not, she’s not for you, though. Got it?”
I turned to him with a cocky smirk. “You chose Lena, Bro. You don’t get to have dibs on two girls.”
He stared at me for a minute before turning back to face the road with a grimace. He was more relaxed now, though. “Why was she at yours?”
“No idea,” I responded as I leaned over and turned the radio on. I slouched down in the seat, rested my head against the door and closed my eyes.
I’d been standing outside the front door for the last few minutes, trying to work up the courage to enter the apartment even though I knew that it would be empty. Christian wasn’t due home for a while yet, and the thought of entering the apartment left me feeling cold and anxious.
The lift behind me dinged, announcing its imminent arrival, which finally prompted me to put the key in the lock and walk in. I closed the door firmly behind me, leaned back against it and took a deep breath. I slowly removed my shoes and carried them through the hallway and kitchen before putting them down in the utility area, taking care that they were in the correct place.
I walked through the apartment towards our bedroom, cursing myself loudly when I saw that I’d left a number of outfits strewn across the bed. I checked the time as I quickly removed my outfit from the previous night and changed into my pyjamas. I made quick work of clearing the room, hanging the clothes back in the wardrobe and clearing the make-up and toiletries from my bedside table.
Once it was clean and tidy, I relaxed slightly. It was silly of me to feel so nervous, but this apartment still didn’t feel like home to me. I knew that if Christian had returned to this scene, he’d have been really upset with me, and I already felt I was enough of a disappointment to him.
Things had been so good in the beginning. He’d been so attentive and affectionate, and I’d been overjoyed when he’d asked me to move in with him. I’d been hesitant and worried that it might be too fast and that we’d regret it, but he’d been adamant, insisting that he couldn’t wait to live with me. Now I worried that my reservations had been correct. Things felt different. I really needed to get things back on track with us.
I checked the clock again, trying to decide if I had time to have a quick shower or whether I’d need to make a start on food. Going with the shower option, I flung my pyjamas onto the bed and went into the bathroom.
The water was warm. That was one good thing about moving in with Christian and leaving my house - his water was always piping hot, just as I liked it. I stood under the scalding water, letting it run over me as I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I let the water soothe me, forcing myself to relax and concentrate on my breathing.
It was ridiculous for me to feel like this. I hated the nervous flutters that I felt in my stomach, the sense of unease and apprehension that stopped me from feeling relaxed and at peace. This was my home now. I needed to get a handle on myself.
It was just nerves from all the change…I was unsettled…it would feel like home soon…I kept telling myself this in the hope I’d believe it at some point.
My mind drifted to the silly conversation I’d had with Marcus the previous night. I felt embarrassed about the way it had ended, but it had me made feel good to see him happy for a change. His laughter had been real and genuine, not the forced kind that was for everyone else’s benefit.
I smiled as I opened my eyes, my heart nearly jumping out of my chest at the sight of Christian standing right in front of me. I yelped, startled by his unexpected appearance. “Christian! I didn’t expect you home yet.”
He looked exhausted, but he was smiling, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Morning Madilyn. Apparently not…”
I fought the urge to cringe. I hated him calling me that, and he knew it. “How was your shift?”
“Well, clearly you anticipated that I’d had an easy, uneventful night. A welcome home and some food on the table would have been nice after working all night, especially since you were out enjoying yourself.”
I shivered, unsure if it was from the chill of his words or because I was still standing naked in the shower. The towel hung just beside him, but he’d made no move to pass it to me.
“I was just about to…” I started to defend myself, and he held up his hand.
“Your priorities, as always, are abundantly clear. I just wish you weren’t so selfish. After working a 16hr shift, I don’t think it’s unfair of me to expect my girlfriend to have food waiting for me. I’m exhausted. I wanted to get home, eat and spend some time with you. I didn’t think that was unreasonable? Does that seem unfair to you? Am I expecting too much?”
My heart sank. No, he wasn’t being unreasonable. I’d been unfair. Of course he would be hungry. I should have made it home earlier. I had been out drinking whilst he was working. I should have made him something to eat before taking a shower. I hated how I always made the wrong decisions when it came to him. No wonder things felt different! I kept messing things up. I wasn’t used to thinking about someone else. He reached for the towel and handed it to me.
“I’m sorry-”
“I don’t want your empty words, darling. I know you’ve lived on your own for a long time, but it’s not all about you now. You need to think about other people. You need to think about me a little more. I should be a priority for you, just as you are for me.” He leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. “I’ve had a long, tiring night and I’m exhausted and fed up. I expected to come back to some food and a welcome, not to be ignored whilst you pampered yourself. Come on, come out and make it up to me - come make me feel better?”
He walked out of the bathroom into the bedroom, and I followed him. He removed his clothes, item by item, and placed them all into the laundry basket before lying down naked on the bed.
I dropped the towel and moved towards him, but as I kneeled on the bed, I caught the expression on his face and realised my mistake. I leaned down to pick up the towel and dropped it into the basket with his clothing. I crawled back up onto the bed and straddled him, dropping my face down to brush his lips with my own.
He responded with a quick, chaste kiss. “Let’s keep it about me, darling. I’m too worn out for anything else. I’ll sort you out later, but for now just do what you’re good at.”
Chastised, I moved down his body, running my fingers lightly over him before following up with my tongue. His inhale was audible, and he shifted impatiently. Following his cue, I took him in my mouth, swirling gently over the tip before swallowing him all the way to the base. His hands moved to tangle in my hair, tugging gently to pull me back up before pushing back down again.
Clearly he was setting the rhythm.
I followed his direction, stroking him with my hand as my mouth rode his length. His hands were gripping tighter, pulling on my hair so that it was painful. Tears began to sting my eyes as he yanked me up and down, all finesse and technique lost as he fucked my mouth. I was concentrating so hard on trying to breath and sheathing my teeth that, when he exploded into my mouth, I wasn’t prepared, almost choking as he held me there, forcing me to gag before swallowing.
Tears ran freely down my face, and I sniffed trying desperately to hold them back. He slid out of my mouth and released his hands from my hair. My scalp stung, but I resisted the urge to rub it. I kept my face down, trying to compose myself before meeting his eyes.
“Oh, darling, I needed that. See, it’s not too difficult to keep your man happy. Some food now would be great.” He moved from the bed without looking at me, touching the top of my head as he walked past me to go into the bathroom, “I’m just going to shower. I’ll be ten minutes or so.” He walked into the bathroom and closed the door.
I sat up in the bed and rubbed furiously at my head, wiping my eyes and my nose before quickly getting dressed. I wanted to be mad at him. That shit had hurt!
&n
bsp; That wasn’t rough in the fun sense…my scalp fucking burned!
But he had looked so tired and I knew that he wouldn’t have meant to be so rough - not so that he hurt me. It had been selfish of me to stay with Kelly and Marcus last night just because I’d decided to get drunk and emotional… he’d been working all night…I knew how exhausting a 16 hour shift was. I went into the kitchen to make him a meal.
Christian walked into the room just as I put his plate down on the counter. I offered him a small smile and waited for his reaction. He sat at the table and began to eat. I waited for a moment before I began to wash the dishes and clear the kitchen again.
He liked the apartment to be pristine; everything had a place and nothing was to be left out on the worktops. It was so different from my house that I constantly had to remind myself to put things away.
I heard him move from the table, and within a moment or two he reached around me to place the dish in the sink. “For something that will give me a coronary, that was pretty good. I’m going to go to bed for a few hours. Once you’ve tidied the kitchen, come and lie with me for a bit. I’ve thought all night about wrapping my arms around you.” He kissed the back of my head and walked out of the room.
I looked around the kitchen - it was spotless. Sighing, I pulled out the anti-bacterial spray from under the sink and squirted the worktops and cupboards. I’d wipe those, and then I’d mop the floor. I glanced at the clock. I still had a few hours before I needed to be in work, but I knew that Lena had been on my case about meeting up. She’d not been able to come out the previous night but wanted to catch up ASAP.
