Free Falling (Fighting Free Series Book 3)

by Chapple, GL

  “Who’s the cockblock?”

  I choked on air, spluttering and looking at him wide-eyed as I heard Nate sniggering to himself.

  “What?” I finally managed to get out.

  “You were dealing with the loss of Lindsay by screwing around - I’m just wondering what or who’s changed that.”

  It was my turn to scowl back at him. I didn’t like the direction this conversation was taking. That was the only thing about being so close to Nate’s family - I was close to them. His gramps spoke to me in the same way he would to Nate – bluntly!

  “Good luck, bro. I’ll be back.” Nate flashed me a guilty look at me as he made a hasty exit, and I wondered for a moment if I’d been set up. I watched him walk out the door with a mixture of anger and envy. I did not want to have this conversation.

  “So…?” Gramps prompted, making me turn back to him.

  I aimed for nonchalance, shrugging my shoulders and leaning back, trying to appear relaxed and at ease. “It’s nothing. I’ve been busy working. I’ve been tired. I just haven’t fancied going out lately.”

  “So, it’s got nothing to do with your house guest?”

  Nate, the fucking bastard! He had set me up. I clenched my jaw and immediately tried to relax it again, but he’d seen and chuckled to himself, irritating me further.

  “No! It has nothing to do with her - not in that way, anyway. I just didn’t think it was fair to be parading people in the house and making her uncomfortable. Besides, she’s left now.”

  He continued to watch me, his gaze penetrating and holding me captive, before he smiled and reached over to take my hand. “I’m glad that you’re finding a way to move on.”

  I jerked my hand free, guilt immediately swamping me. “I’m not doing anything.”

  “Do you like this girl? Maddie?”

  “As a friend.”

  He smiled knowingly before a sad expression spread over his face. “Marcus, moving on doesn’t mean letting go. It doesn’t mean forgetting or…”

  “I know that,” I snapped at him. I glanced towards the door, willing Nate to come back.

  He sighed and I felt bad. Reluctantly I turned back to meet his gaze, then looked down at my hands. He stayed silent, forcing me to look up at him. His shrewd eyes were watching me, but he didn’t say anything, forcing me to break the silence as I grew more uncomfortable.

  “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

  “Anger is an easy emotion to hold onto.”

  I clenched my fists, thinking back to what Maddie had said.

  “Do you remember, after we lost Nate’s parents, when I took you both out on the boat? It was one of our last adventures.” I smiled as I thought back to the times we’d gone sailing. I nodded as I recalled the last time that Gramps had come out with us. “Do you remember what I said to Nate?”

  I looked back down at my hands and briefly shook my head. I couldn’t remember what he’d said. Nate had been in a bad place, and I’d let them have some privacy. I hadn’t wanted to hear then, and I didn’t really want to hear now.

  “I read a description once that stuck with me: initially grief is like a tsunami that sweeps you off your feet; the waves feel like they’re 100 feet tall, and they come one after another, stealing your breath and knocking you down. There is no mercy and no respite; the pain is all-encompassing; it feels never-ending, almost too much for a person to bear…but you do bear it; you do suffer through the pain, and you find that you’re still here. You’re still alive, Marcus, all you can do is hang on, ride the waves and cling to whatever keeps you afloat. There’ll be aftershocks which threaten to pull you under, and some days they will. Some days you’ll feel like you’re drowning, but, as time goes on, those aftershocks and those waves of pain move a little further apart. They still hurt, the pain is still there, but somehow you learn to live with it, and, in between those waves crashing down on you, you learn to live a little again; you realise that life goes on. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. Some days will be easier than others; sometimes you’ll be up and dressed and ready to leave the house before the sadness envelops you, and sometimes you’ll lie there, barely conscious, struggling to catch your breath, feeling like you’re drowning all over again in those brutal few seconds when reality comes crashing back in, and you realise again what you’ve lost. Sometimes you’ll see the wave coming - an anniversary or an important moment - and you can brace yourself; other times you’ll be knocked off your feet again and come up spluttering and struggling…but you will rise. I won’t lie to you - the grief never leaves you. It will be a lingering presence, walking beside you, weighing you down, but you can’t stop it letting you live! I know you’re hurting, and I know it’s not just about Lindsay. I wish I could help you, son; I wish I could take away your pain; but know that you are not alone in this. You have family - you have Nate, and you have me. We are here for you. I remember how distraught you were over Nate and how much you wanted to help him - know that he feels the same - we all do. You have so many people who care about you, who love you. Stop punishing yourself! Don’t feel guilty for wanting to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.”

  He stood and came up to me, pulling me into his side in an awkward embrace. “You need to go and say goodbye. You need to let yourself move on - from everything. Find it in yourself to forgive. The anger you’re holding onto is only hurting you.” I clung to him, my arms still around him, reluctant to let him go. I nodded and sniffed, finally releasing him and quickly wiping my eyes.

  He turned and walked over to his kitchen area. “Now, tell me about this Maddie girl. Feel free to embellish! She’s a looker, though - am I right?” He gave me a cheeky wink, and I forced a smile.

  “She’s Lena’s best friend. She moved in as a friend. She’s beautiful, but I wouldn’t go there - too awkward and complicated. Besides, we’re friends now and I care about her. I just don’t think her boyfriend is good for her.”

  He raised a brow. “He’s a prick,” I added, making him laugh.

  Nate walked back in and looked relieved to see us laughing. I wanted to be angry with him, but I knew that he was just concerned. His eyes flashed straight to mine, silently checking with me - we Ok? Discreetly, I gave him a wanker symbol, and he chuckled, looking pleased with my response. We spent the rest of the morning catching up with his gramps.

  On the drive back I could tell Nate felt awkward. There was tension in the air between us, and he kept stealing glances in my direction. I steadfastly ignored him, staring out of the window and remaining silent despite his frustrated sighs. I could have put him out of his misery, but I was distracted, my mind on other things so I let it play out, forcing him finally to speak.

  “I thought we were alright?”

  “We are.” I answered gruffly, without turning.

  “Seems it.” He muttered sarcastically. “Look,” he added, “I didn’t want to upset you, but I’ve tried talking to you, and I was getting nowhere. Gramps had been asking to see you…” He trailed off and sighed.

  “I get it. We’re good…I think I should go and see Lindsay.”

  I felt him jerk his head in my direction, but he didn’t say anything for a few moments. “You want me to come with you?”

  I hesitated before shaking my head. “No, but thanks. I need to do this on my own.”

  He nodded slowly, nothing more was said until he pulled up outside my house. “When?” he asked.

  “I guess whilst I’m feeling brave enough,” I answered with a laugh, although there was nothing funny about the nerves that were overtaking my body.

  He reached across and clasped my hand as I went to leave the car. “I love you, bro. I’m here the minute you need me. Call me, and I’m there.”

  I choked for a moment before scoffing at him and opening the door. “Jeez! I’m not so hard up I’ll take what you’re offering. Get home and fuck Lena quick before your dick falls off, you fucking pussy.” His laughter followed me out of the door before I closed it on h
im and waved him off.

  I didn’t give myself a chance to second-guess my decision. Taking my keys out of my pocket, I started up my own car and began to drive.

  I’d been sitting in the car for twenty minutes. I’d been able to drive there by keeping my mind busy, but getting out of the car was proving impossible. My mind was willing, but my heart and body weren’t capable. I was just about to start up the car engine when my phone pinged with a text message. I opened it to find it was from Maddie.

  How do you know whether you’re being brave or stupid?

  Startled, I looked around me at the almost empty car park. I held the phone for a few minutes in confusion before I responded.

  I guess it depends on the outcome…

  I sat for a few minutes waiting to see if she replied before sliding my phone back into my pocket. I took a final deep breath and pushed the door open, climbed out and began to walk towards Lindsay’s final resting place.

  There had been a few other cars in the car park but I’d yet to see another person. As I walked closer to where I knew she lay, I felt my hands begin to get clammy. I pulled my shoulders up to my ears, trying to release some of the tension that was making me hold the top half of my body as stiff as a board. As I got closer, my footsteps slowed. My heart was like a jackhammer in my chest, the blood pumping so loudly that the sounds of birds and nature, that had seemed peaceful when I first arrived, were now drowned out.

  I could see the plaque in front of me and paused, closing my eyes slightly and trying to muster the courage from somewhere to take the final few steps.

  The first thing that struck me was the abundance of flowers that still surrounded her headstone. Her name stood out boldly against the granite, and it felt like a punch to the gut. I sank to my knees directly in front of it and ran my hand lightly over the stone, tracing her name with my index finger. I waited for the anger to hit me, wanting to rage and yell at her. I was finally here to shout and scream, but I couldn’t bring the anger to the surface. Seeing her name, the finality of it on the stone, filled me with a sad, empty feeling. Tears ran down my face without me even realising. I began to speak to her, hesitantly at first, feeling stupid for voicing my thoughts out loud, as I apologised over and over for not coming sooner. I told her how angry I’d been with her, how much I missed her, and how empty I felt without her.

  Nate answered on the first ring, and I knew that he’d probably been watching the phone. I’d done the same a number of times for him, and it made me smile.

  “You alright?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’m good. You fancy a few beers?”

  “Pick you up in 20.”

  Lena arrived shortly afterwards, beeping the horn and yelling at me to shift my arse as she wasn’t a taxi service. I knew that she was being obnoxious on purpose and flipped her the finger. She looked at me intently for a few moments, her eyes boring into me searchingly, then she smiled widely, obviously happy with whatever she’d seen.

  She drove us into town so that we could go to Milo’s. As she parked the car, I stuck my head through the gap between the headrests and planted a cheeky kiss on her face.

  “Cheers, driver.” I chuckled before darting out of the car as Nate yelled obscenities after me.

  I went straight to the bar to get the drinks, leaving them to say goodbye, then walked back out to join Nate at a table in the sun.

  “Anyone else and I’d have taken their head off,” Nate grumbled, as he picked up his pint.

  “Hey, it’s just a peck - not like we shared a bed, oh…” I teased, pulling a face as he laughed and shook his head.

  Every now and then I liked to throw back at him that I’d shared a bed with his fiancée. The reality was that he’d been injured in the stabbing that had killed Lindsay. It had been one of the worst nights of my life, and Lena, his fiancée, had been devastated as we waited for news of Nate. His brother, Jonathan, being next of kin, had refused us entry to his room, so we’d gone back to my house and lain awake next to each other all night, waiting until we could get back to him.

  “You’re a right wanker sometimes. You know that, right?”

  I laughed. “You love me.”

  “Apparently so, you dumb shit.”

  The mood quickly changed, and the carefree, relaxed atmosphere I’d tried to create was disappearing. I picked up my pint and downed almost half, waiting with bated breath for Nate to speak. I knew what was coming.

  “So, how do you feel?”

  I shrugged and then forced myself to speak. “I don’t know…not as angry.”

  “Well, that’s something.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You managed to get to the…” I knew he’d wanted to say grave but had trailed off.

  “Yeah. There were still loads of flowers. It’s really…” I searched for the right word - I was thinking peaceful, beautiful, serene, but instead I came out with, “final.”

  Nate nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, it is. It makes a difference seeing it in front of you.”

  “Her name in the stone…” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. Nate didn’t speak, giving me a few seconds to get my composure again… “It just felt final; a harsh, blunt truth…I couldn’t hold onto the anger. I have no-one to be angry with. She couldn’t have paid a higher price. She wouldn’t have wanted this. It’s just…”- I sighed and scrubbed my hand over my face. -“I’m angry with her because I relied on her. I told her things and trusted her. It’s irrational and crazy - but I felt so angry with her for leaving me.”

  “I know. It’s normal, Marcus. You know you can always talk to me - you know that.”

  I downed the rest of my beer, took a deep breath and blurted out what I’d been wanting to say to him. “She was going to come with me to visit my mother.”

  Nate’s mouth gaped open. His pint, that was halfway to his mouth, was set back down on the table, and he stared at me, his eyes wide and shocked.

  “Uh…right. Um…when? Why?” he looked bewildered.

  “You know what my childhood was like, Nate. You know enough anyway. She was a bitch. She ruined my father’s life. She took my sister away from me for years. She never even tried to contact me when they said that my father had killed himself. She never once tried to get in contact after she’d left me to check everything was alright. I need to know why. Why wasn’t I enough? Why didn’t she care about me? I want her to look me in the eyes and explain to me why she treated us the way that she did. I want answers.”

  “What if she can’t give you what you want?”

  I sighed and waved my hand at a waiter who had appeared outside, indicating that I wanted more beers. He nodded and disappeared into the pub again.

  “Marcus, I’m just saying…Look at my brother. He’s poison; everything he does is because he is selfish. Jonathan doesn’t care about anyone or anything apart from himself. I’m not saying not to go and see her. It’s just…you’ve been without her all this time. I just don’t want it to open old wounds. I don’t want you to give her the chance to hurt you more than you’re hurting now.”

  “That’s just it! They’re not old wounds - they’ve never healed.”

  The waiter appeared beside the table with another two beers and a card machine. I opened a tab and told him to bring another two out in twenty minutes or so. He nodded and walked away. I looked back at Nate who was rubbing his neck, something he always did when he was tense.

  “Nate, she destroyed my father. Their relationship was toxic, and I’ve lived with the aftermath of that for years. My father used to pour me a drink every night and fill my head with shit, things no kid should hear. Then he killed himself - knowing that I’d be the one to find him and that I’d have to deal with everything, on my own. I want to speak to her and know why. She can’t hurt me any more than she did back then, when she took my sister away from me and left me living with a shell of a man who couldn’t even look after himself, let alone me.”

  “How bad did…” Nate began to ask, but I cut him off by sha
king my head. I didn’t want to get into this with him.

  It was in the past - done, and, hopefully soon, dealt with.

  “Bad enough.”

  We sat in silence for a few minutes, both caught up in our own thoughts.

  “I can come with you if you want.”

  I smiled as I met Nate’s eyes. “Nah, you’re good. Thanks, though. Maybe we’ll meet for beers afterwards.”

  He nodded and I smiled, feeling sad but relieved at the same time.

  “You know…Lindsay said she wanted to be my catalyst. I never dreamt that it would be losing her that would be the stimulus for this.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, all the years we’ve been friends, I’ve never really said anything about my parents. I mean…you knew they were fucked-up…” I laughed bitterly, “…but now you know how badly…and I’ve actually realised that fucking girls whose names I don’t remember doesn’t actually make me happy, either. Who’d have known?” I added wryly, picking up my drink again.

  “Did Maddie have anything to do with that realisation?”

  “Maddie? I’ve not done anything with Maddie.”

  “I know. That’s my point.”

  “What?” I looked at him in confusion before turning my head slightly to the left.

  I swear mentioning her name three times had just conjured her up right in front of me. “Maddie?”

  Nate turned his head to look too and laughed quietly. “Damn, that’s just bizarre!”

  Maddie was walking towards us, completely unaware as she fiddled with her phone. I couldn’t really see her face, but she appeared to be frowning, her teeth nibbling on her bottom lip as her thumbs moved over the screen. She looked up just before she reached our table, and I watched as the tension fell away and a wide smile spread over her face.

  “Hey, you guys!”

  “Mads! You just missed Lena. How are you?” Nate asked.

  “I’m good. She’s going to kill me! I really need to catch up with her. Work has been manic lately!” She twisted her ring around on her finger as she spoke, and I knew immediately that she was lying.