by Chapple, GL
“Are you able to join us for one?” Nate asked.
She shook her head sadly. “I can’t, sorry. I’m meeting Christian here.”
A burst of jealousy flared through me. I shifted in my seat: I had no right to feel like that, and I didn’t want to. It was because she deserved better - it wasn’t jealousy - it was annoyance. That’s what I told myself, and I could almost believe it as I saw Christian walking towards our table, his smug, confident gait making me want to get up from my chair and punch him in the face.
Yeah, really mature, Marcus.
He annoyed me - that’s why I felt like this. A little voice whispered away in the back of my mind, asking me exactly why he annoyed me, but I ignored it.
“Gentlemen, I wasn’t expecting to see you both. How are you?” Christian asked politely, though I caught a pointed look at Maddie.
“We’ve just come out for a drink, enjoying the sunshine. Won’t you join us for one?” Nate asked.
Now it was Nate I wanted to punch, although when I saw how uncomfortable his question had made Christian, it cheered me up slightly.
“Thank you, but we don’t have very long.” Christian took Maddie’s arm and went to move away when Nate spoke up, surprising us all.
“It’s no problem at all. It’s nice to have a catch-up even if it’s just the one. I’ll get them,” Nate continued as if he’d misunderstood, and, as irritated as I was with him, I had to press my lips together to stop myself laughing outright at the look on Christian’s face as Nate jumped up from the table to go to the bar.
I tried to catch his eye to ask him what the hell he was playing at, but he purposely avoided me as he walked past. Maddie looked awkward as she stood beside the table. Finally, snapping to attention, I jumped up myself and pulled a chair across from the next table.
“Sorry, here!”
“That’s Ok. I’ve got a chair here. Sit down, darling.”
Christian had moved Nate’s chair so it was next to me, and he now had his hand on the chair that I’d just pulled over and pushed Maddie into the chair opposite me. It amused me that he’d chosen to sit next to me, rather than allowing Maddie to take the seat I’d moved.
Nate returned just a moment or two later and sat down next to me. “They’ll bring the drinks out. I believe you’re a wine man, Christian? I got you Chardonnay. Is that alright?”
I coughed to hide my amusement, apologised and took a long gulp of my pint. Maddie seemed to be sending me a warning with her eyes, and it was taking all my willpower not to laugh outright.
“Mads, got you a beer.”
I felt Christian stiffen beside me, and I was starting to enjoy myself despite my initial annoyance with Nate. Maddie would have probably preferred a wine but Nate knew how much it would antagonise Christian to have her drinking beer – I bet the bastard had bought her a pint too.
We made polite conversation for a little while - well, at least they did. I watched Maddie. She was wearing a long maxi dress with sandals. It was bright pink and contrasted with her dark hair and sun-kissed skin. Considering she worked such long hours, she had a lovely, golden skin tone. She ran her tongue along her lip absent-mindedly as Christian and Nate continued to talk. I couldn’t hear what they were saying - I was paying no attention - but I suddenly saw her snap her head towards Christian. She looked upset, and I immediately clenched my fists under the table.
What was that fucker up to now?
I saw Nate glance his eyes in my direction before reaching out and shaking Christian’s hand. “Congratulations, both of you.” Nate was polite, but there was no warmth in his voice.
What the fuck had I missed?
She’d plastered a fake smile on her face. “Thank you.”
Christian turned to me, and I offered my hand even though I had no clue why. I didn’t like the guy, but I wasn’t ignorant. I clasped his hand in mine, he placed his other hand over the top and smiled smugly.
“We’ll get the invitations out just as soon as possible. Thank you.” Turning back to Nate, he added, “I hope you don’t think we’re stealing your thunder, Nate. I’m sure the weddings will be very different.”
Realisation dawned on me, and I looked straight at Maddie.
Her eyes were pleading with me - for what I had no idea – for me to do something? Say something? Not to say something? …Gimme a fucking clue here!
I picked my beer up and took a long gulp to try and buy myself precious seconds so I could compose myself. Maddie looked so uncomfortable I almost felt sorry for her.
What the hell was she thinking?!
Christian smiled at us and draped his arm around Maddie, pulling her in close to him and kissing her cheek before they stood and walked off together into the bar.
I felt sick. I wanted to punch something. That anger I thought I’d let go off – hell, no! It was coursing through my veins now, burning me up from the inside.
I felt Nate looking at me and met his gaze. “That’s gotta be a fucking joke, right?”
Nate looked just as stunned as me. “Fuck…”
“Yeah! Fuck! What the fuck is she thinking? She can’t marry that arsehole: he’s a fucking prick! He treats her like shit! Haven’t you noticed the difference in her? Hasn’t Lena?” I kicked the extra chairs away from the table, the harsh sound they made as they scraped over the flagstones doing little to ease my temper.
Nate continued to stare at me, and I snapped at him, “What? Why are you staring at me? You should be calling Lena and telling her to sort her friend out!”
“Just waiting on the full transformation, Banner.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You! You’ve gone so green and aggressive I’m half expecting you to rip off your clothes and tear the place apart, starting with Christian – Shit! You like her - you actually really like her, don’t you? I was teasing you earlier about her being the cockblock to you. I had my suspicions - that’s why I asked them to join us - but…well, shit!”
“Fuck off, Nate.” I got up and he stood too, reaching out to catch my arm, but I shook him off. “No, fuck off! I’ve had enough. I’m going. Close the tab, and I’ll speak to you later.”
“Marcus,” he called half-heartedly after me, but I ignored him. I needed some space.
I walked around the corner, pulled out my phone and tapped on Maddie’s name to send her a quick message.
STUPID – in answer to your question - you’re being fucking stupid.
I knew it was harsh; I had no right to say it; but I hit the Send button and pushed the phone back in my pocket.
There were three loud, sharp knocks on the door of the apartment. The anger that I detected in those thumps made me nervous. I walked to the hallway and peered through the peephole.
Lena was standing outside the door, arms crossed and a face like thunder. Fuck. Part of me was even more annoyed with myself for the fleeting thought that it could have been Marcus.
I opened the door and smiled widely at her, but she rolled her eyes at me and marched past. “Cut the bullshit, Mads.”
She kicked her shoes off and left them where they fell in the hallway. I cringed and debated whether I should pick them up, but she’d already stormed through into the living area.
Lena had only been to the apartment three times since I’d moved in with Christian – once when I was actually moving, to help me with the boxes and unpacking - a little while after that we’d invited her and Nate over for drinks - and the final time had been around 6 weeks ago when she’d turned up unannounced. Christian had staggered out of the bedroom and asked if we could be quieter as we were waking him up too early after a night shift, despite the fact that he’d slept for eight hours. I’d apologised, and since then I’d done my best to dissuade Lena from popping in.
I followed her into the living room and saw that she was sitting down on the sofa, waiting for me.
“Talk to me, Mads. What the hell is going on?”
“What do you mean?”
<
br /> “You’re getting married?” she practically screeched, and I glanced nervously towards the door. Christian wasn’t here, but I still felt awkward.
“Shh…you don’t need to tell the whole apartment block.”
She crossed her legs under her and faced me front-on. “I’m not playing, Mads. Talk to me! Now! Tell me what the hell is going on. You were ready to leave him just a few days ago – now you’re talking marriage and weddings! Stop looking around! I don’t care if he can hear me - he can damn well come and explain to me himself what the hell is going on!”
“He’s not here.”
“So why are you so on edge?”
“I’m not.”
“You are. I had a message from Marcus last night…”-
I snorted, cutting her off, and she stopped to look at me. I’d turned my phone off after leaving Nate and Marcus, knowing that they’d tell Lena and that she’d be trying to get in touch with me. I’d been furious with Christian for telling them we were getting married, but he’d simply shrugged and said that he didn’t feel the need for secrecy. When I’d turned my phone back on this morning, I’d been really upset - and then pissed off - at Marcus’ message.
“What’s going on with you two?”
“Nothing.”
She looked disbelieving. “Anyway, why are you getting married?”
Feeling overwhelmed, I sat down on the sofa. Lena scooted up next to me and gripped my hand in hers. “I’m worried about you, Mads. If you won’t talk to me, will you just listen? You don’t need to say anything if it’s too hard, but will you listen and tell me if I’m right?”
I nodded, afraid to hear what she was going to say.
“I’ve thought back over our conversation the other day. You said how scared you were, how you don’t want to be on your own and start over, but you didn’t once mention how much you loved him. You told me that he twists things - do you know how many times I’ve heard those words from the women in the refuge?”- Lena’s voice dropped slightly, and she took a shaky breath. -“I asked you if he hurt you, and you said “no”. He may not be hitting you, Mads, but I’m not so sure that he’s not hurting you. People don’t have to be physical in order to break you - they don’t have to hit you to hurt you: words can be just as powerful as a punch. This apartment - this is why you never invite me here and try and stop me visiting - this isn’t you.” She waved her arm around the immaculately kept, pristine apartment. “There is no life here; there is no joy.” Tears were falling from my eyes, but I kept my face downcast so that she wouldn’t see. “It was Marcus who made me see it, who highlighted the change in you, and I feel awful for not noticing how much you were struggling, how much you’ve changed. You shouldn’t need to change yourself to be with someone, Maddie. If he makes you feel that you’re not good enough as you are then he doesn’t deserve you. I’m sorry I was screaming and yelling - I’m not mad or angry at you. I hate myself because I’ve failed you as a friend. I should have seen this, and I should have been there, but please, Mads, please, let me help you now.” Lena was now crying openly, too. “Maddie, I’m here for you - always. I’m sorry if you ever doubted it, or didn’t feel you could tell me, but I’ll always believe you. I’m always here for you. Please, tell me what’s going on. Tell me how to help you.”
“He makes it seem like it’s me.” My voice was so quiet I didn’t know if she could hear me. I tried again, “I feel as if it’s my fault. I don’t know which way is up anymore. I’m so confused all the time.”
“Oh, Mads.” Lena wrapped her arms around me and held me as I fell apart. We both cried in each other’s arms, both of us apologising over and over. My sobs slowly became shuddering breaths as I tried to get myself back under control. Glancing nervously at the clock on the wall, I knew I had plenty of time before Christian came home, but I had a lot to do before then.
Lena watched me for a moment. “Talk to me, Mads. What does he twist? What’s happened?”
I took a deep breath and sat further back on the sofa, sitting up straight. I clasped my hands together and looked down at them as I began to speak. I didn’t want to see the expression on Lena’s face until I’d finished.
“You didn’t get the whole story the other day…”
Lena stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.
“When Christian and I got home the other night, I freaked out a little, thinking that we didn’t have any condoms. He told me that we were alright, and I took that to mean that he had one. I was quite drunk - I shouldn’t have done those shots, so it probably was my fault for just assuming. Anyway, afterwards I realised that he hadn’t used anything, and I hadn’t been taking my pill and I freaked out at the thought of being pregnant. We had a huge argument: he told me that he hadn’t said we were covered - I’d stupidly assumed that we were - he said that, if I were to get pregnant, he’d be happy - we have an apartment, good jobs - he didn’t see what the issue was. Maybe I did overre…”-
I didn’t get the chance to continue. Lena had been quiet up until this point. I’d felt her fidgeting beside me but hadn’t dared look up at her expression, but now she flew up out of her seat. “Motherfucking bastard! Bullshit! This is fucking bullshit!”
She burst into tears again, and I stood quickly, guilt making me apologise over and over again, which just made her cry harder. She put her head in her hands for a few minutes before wiping roughly at her face, grabbing my hands and sitting down again with me.
“No! Listen to me, Mads! Listen…” She took another deep breath before fixing her eyes on me, steely determination in them. “ANYONE would have presumed they were safe to continue. You were not stupid to think that, and I never, ever, want to hear you talk about yourself like that again. Don’t you dare try and shoulder any of the blame for that because you’d had a few drinks. You could have been absolutely smashed, and it wouldn’t have made any difference whatsoever! You brought up the subject of contraception, and he misled you. To risk you getting pregnant without discussing it with you is disgusting. He’s clearly got control issues, and, if this picture-perfect apartment is anything to go by, they are deep-rooted! Twisting things around so that you think it’s all you is evil, narcissist behaviour. This is not right, Mads. You deserve so much more than this. This isn’t love! I can’t believe it’s got this bad - I can’t believe this is you - look what’s he’s doing to you!”
“I’m so tired all the time, Lena. I just feel drained. I’m so fed up of being on my own. I’m so confused and everything feels jumbled up in my head.”
“But you’re not on your own! I know it’s not the same, but you have me, you have Nate and Marcus. He really cares about you. He was insistent last night - he was so upset. You are loved, Mads - more than you know. Please, let us help you. Come stay with me and see how you feel.”
I shook my head, “I can’t.”
“Please.”
“Lena, I can’t just leave - not again. I need to sort things out in my head. Christian isn’t a monster: sometimes things sound different or worse taken out of context.”
“Please don’t make excuses for him.”
“I’m not…I’m just…I really don’t know.”
“Mads, you are amazing. You are kind, thoughtful, considerate, caring, beautiful – inside and out. You should be with someone who appreciates you every single day - Someone who makes you feel as incredible as you are - not someone who makes you doubt yourself and makes you feel unworthy. He might try and make you think that he’s the only one who cares for you and loves you, but I can assure you that’s not the case. He is not the only person in your universe, as much as he might want you to think so. You are not happy, Mads. When was the last time you laughed - a proper, real belly laugh...? When was the last time you truly felt at peace? When was the last time you felt safe and protected? When was the last time you spoke freely without worrying about what the other person would think? When was the last time you were you?” She shook her head sadly. “I can’t make your decision for you.
I can’t make you do what I think you should. Please, think about what I’ve said, I’m begging you. Be strong and think about it. You’ve got so many of us who care and love you so very much. I’m here for you, Mads, the minute you need me, day or night. I just want you to be happy.” She kissed my cheek and hugged me fiercely before she left.
I lay back down on the sofa and closed my eyes. Every time I thought about each question that she’d asked me, there had been only one person in my mind - Marcus.
It had been a few days since Lena had spoken to me in the apartment. I’d spent every waking moment trying to make sense of the jumbled-up mess in my mind. She’d texted me a couple of times a day. She wasn’t putting any pressure on me – not directly anyway – but she kept reminding me that she was there, and that she loved me.
I’d not heard anything else from Marcus, and, honestly, I didn’t even know how to reply to him. He had no right to be angry with me for marrying Christian.
His opinion should not have mattered to me, except, for some reason, it really did.
I was sitting quietly in the living room, waiting for Christian to wake up. We’d hardly seen each other the last two days due to our shifts, but I wanted to speak to him today. I needed to. I heard him stirring and jumped up to make his coffee and toast. He walked into the room, smiling as he saw his breakfast waiting for him on the coffee table.
“Morning, wife-to-be, getting into routine already? I must say I like it.”
“I’d like to speak to you. There are a few things we need to discuss.”
“Of course! Let me have my breakfast, and I’ll be with you.”
He ate and drank leisurely. I passed him his newspaper and went into the kitchen to finish clearing up. He carried his tray through and placed it on the worktop beside the sink. “I’ll just go and shower and sort myself out, then I’ll be right with you.” He kissed me on the cheek before going into the bathroom.
