by Chapple, GL
I quickly cleaned up the kitchen and sat waiting for him again on the sofa. I reminded myself over and over in my mind all the things that I wanted to make sure I discussed with him. I wasn’t going to allow him to dictate or control the conversation this time. I had things that I needed to say, and I was determined to say them.
“I’m all yours,” he announced as he walked into the room and sat in the armchair adjacent to me.
For all my thoughts and plans, I had no idea how to start.
“I just wanted to chat with you - make sure we’re on the same page. I don’t feel we communicate all that well.”
His eyebrows shot skywards. “Really? I must say I’m surprised by that…”
“It’s just…I don’t always feel listened to…”
“Madilyn, I’m sitting here listening to you right now. What’s brought this on? Do you have concerns about the wedding? This is why I’ve sorted out a planner.”
“No, It’s not about the wedding, although you didn’t even speak to me about a planner,”
“Are you telling me you want to plan the wedding? Do you really think you’re up to that?”
I dug my nails into the palm of my hand and forced myself to breathe before replying. “Plan my own wedding? Yes, I think that’s something I would be capable of, Christian! I should have some input surely? - and on that note - I want to redecorate this room.”
His eyebrows were now dangerously close to meeting his hairline, “Why? What on earth has brought this on? Are you hormonal?” I ignored him and continued, answering his first question.
“This room feels cold. There’s no warmth, no colour”-
He interrupted me, his tone condescending as though he was speaking to a silly child, and I felt my hackles rise. “It’s neutral shades, darling. It’s calming and relaxing. It’s a living room – not a nightclub or a café. I have a stressful, strenuous job – this is my sanctuary. I like this room. There’s no need to change it. If you want to help out with the wedding, you can assist the planner, of course. She would love your input.”
“I work long hours in the same environment as you”- I fired back, beginning to get frustrated with this conversation already. -“and it should be all about my input!”
“Yes, but we don’t do the same job. You can’t compare nursing with being a doctor. Look”- he added quickly, -“This isn’t a competition. I know you work hard, too. That’s actually something I was going to speak to you about anyway. Before we enter into another rental agreement on your old house, I think it would be prudent to get it valued and consider selling it.”
“Sell my house?”
“That would give us a nice bumper to cover your loss of pay when we have children, and, honestly, I know you find it difficult to keep on top of the housework with work too. If it sold quickly, you’d be in a position to finish work and concentrate on being a good housewife before you became a mother.”
“Are you serious?”
“Darling! After we get married, obviously we’ll want a family. I know you want a family, somewhere to belong and be loved. I know you’ll want to be there for our children and do your best for them, which means giving up work and being the best mother that you can. The money from your property will allow that to happen without it impacting on our lifestyle.”
I sat there dumbly for a few moments, trying to process everything that he was saying to me and all the while my own voice was screaming at me inside my head.
“Christian…I…I can’t…” I stopped and shook my head, sucking air into my lungs to try and keep me from keeling over. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm and focus myself. He was looking at me with a mixture of curiosity and amusement.
“Let me get this straight,” I started quietly, “You like your apartment as it is, so, despite me living here, I’m not to touch anything or change anything”- He began to protest, but I held my finger up, effectively silencing him. -“You expect me to give up my career – albeit not such an important one as yours - to raise our children, something that we’ve had no discussion about, but somehow you’ve assumed that I’m a 1960s’ Stepford wife. You want me to sell my house, the house that my grandparents left to me - you know how much I love that house – but you want us, as a family, to live in an apartment rather than a house? Why have we never had a discussion about moving there instead when this lease is up? I work long hours too, yet I’m the one who is constantly cleaning and making sure the house is to your standards! I don’t feel relaxed here; I don’t feel that this is my space! I work hard and try my best to keep you happy, but it’s never enough. I never feel as if I’m doing enough! As if I’m enough. ”
“Well, maybe that’s on you, Madilyn. I can’t help the way that you feel…”
“Of course you can! And stop calling me Madilyn! Nobody calls me that. You know I hate it!”
“Oh, for goodness sake! Why are you spoiling for an argument? Why do you do this?” You have a wonderful relationship, why must you try and spoil everything?”
“I’m not!”
“Yes, you are. You are living in a beautiful apartment. I’m offering you the chance to give up work and raise a family with a successful man by your side. Most women would be thrilled with that! But not you, no - you are so ungrateful! You are a nobody. You have nobody who loves you, nobody else who cares – I’m the one offering you everything, and you throw it back in my face with ridiculous complaints. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? This constant nagging, moaning and complaining - you’re an immature, ungrateful little girl who’s going to end up all alone. I strongly suggest you think long and hard about what you have, because if you try and walk away from me again, you’ll be left with nothing - absolutely nothing.”
I sat there stunned, silenced by his vicious tirade. He huffed, rose from the chair and walked through to the kitchen. My nails were digging into my hands so hard I was sure I’d broken the skin. My eyes were stinging as I blinked back the tears, refusing to let them fall and for him to mistake my temper for weakness.
I rose slowly and stiffly and followed him into the kitchen. I stood in the doorway and watched him. He didn’t acknowledge me as he tapped away on his phone.
“I’m not a nobody, and the fact that you can refer to me like that tells me that I was right to have doubts about us – but, worse than that, you made me doubt myself. I hate that you’ve got inside my head and jumbled it all up. You have no respect for me, and, in truth, I doubt you even love me. You might be able to say the words, but this isn’t the way you treat someone you love.”
He slowly slid his phone back in his pocket, his features marked by irritation that this conversation was continuing. “You’re in love with the idea of love, Madilyn. That’s not reality. You need to grow up.”
“And you need to stop being such a pompous, arrogant arsehole. You think you can boss people around, control their lives, tell me how I’ll live and what I’ll do, mould me so that I can match your perfect idea of a wife. You tell me you love me, but it’s on the back of telling me how alone I am. You reinforce every negative and tag on something nice to make me think you’re being kind – but you’re not. You’re spiteful, mean and nasty.”
“Think about what you’re saying, Madilyn. Don’t let this go too far. I mean it – you walk out that door again and we’re done. I’ll forgive you once, but I’m no fool.”
“No, you’re right. I’m the damn fool. You can go to hell.”
I was restless. Nothing could hold my interest for more than a few minutes, and I was irritating the shit out of myself. Despite not speaking to or seeing Maddie, she was occupying my thoughts and slowly driving me crazy.
I’d picked up the phone a few times to call Nate, but I’d put it back down. He was busy with Lena, or getting busy with her. Maybe that’s what I needed; it would relieve some of the frustration at least. But I couldn’t bring myself to go out and hook up. I just couldn’t be bothered. I wanted more.
The truth was - I was lone
ly too. I was fed up of being on my own, but I felt guilty for wanting more. I understood what Maddie had been saying. I could understand her desperation to feel that she belonged. I knew how it was to feel you were living life on the sidelines - to be there, but not fully participating.
I’d been fine before Lindsay, but now I’d experienced having someone there, being with someone who loved you and cared about you, and I missed it. As much as I wanted to go back to how it had been before, I couldn’t. I wasn’t satisfied with that life, and I knew that Maddie wasn’t, either. She deserved to feel that she belonged; she deserved to be held and loved, cared for and made to feel as special as she was - but that arsehole wasn’t the answer. She wanted to be loved so much that she was willing to settle for an imitation. I couldn’t let that happen, not when she deserved so much more, wondering if I could be the one to offer that to her scared the hell out of me.
I’d spoken to Lena a few days ago, but I’d not heard anything back. Nate hadn’t mentioned anything earlier in the day, so I guessed that nothing had changed. I’m not sure what I’d really expected. Lena had been upset and furious when I’d spoken to her, but she’d explained that, as much as she wanted to drag Maddie to stay with her, it wasn’t going to work like that. It needed to be Maddie’s decision.
I fucking hated it. I knew how much he’d got inside her head and I’d seen first-hand the damage that spite-filled words could inflict.
I needed to change the direction of my thoughts so I got up and paced the room, trying to decide what to do with myself. Kelly was over at Carl’s house, and the silence was taunting me.
Checking the time, I picked up my keys and left the house.
“Hey there, old man,” I called as I knocked on his door and walked in. Nate’s grandfather had pretty much adopted me from a young age. As children, Nate and I had been inseparable, and I’d spent so much time with his family that I thought of them as my own.
“My grandson with you?”
“No. Just me today.”
He walked out of the bathroom and grinned as he dried his hands. “Well, it’s about time you finally showed up. You been avoiding me?”
I smirked as I opened my bag and pulled out his bottle of whisky.
I’m sure Nate had his suspicions that it was me who kept his Gramps stocked up with his favourite tipple, but he’d never called me out on it.
“So, were you just feeling guilty at your neglect of an old man, or was there something bothering you?”
“Anyone ever tell you you’re ungrateful?”
“Anyone ever tell you you’re transparent?” He smiled as he took the bottle from me and walked over to the kitchen.
He hid it away in the back of a cupboard and moved to pull out another, already opened, bottle. He held the bottle out to me, and I shook my head, “Can’t. I’ve got the car.”
“Just a drop?”
“A drop, Gramps,” I warned, as he poured two thumbfuls of alcohol into our glasses.
He carried it over to me as I sat down on the sofa, while he took his place in his armchair.
“Nate said you went to visit Lindsay.”
I nodded, cradling my drink in my hands as a comfort.
“Did it help?”
I shrugged, my eyes still looking down at my drink.
Gramps added, “It hurts. It’ll always hurt to some degree. But instead of focusing on what you’ve lost, you need to try and remember what you have.”
“That’s not a great deal if I’m honest, Gramps.”
“Pah.” He scoffed. “There’s no place here for self-pity, Marcus. Don’t come in here expecting me to rub your back and say ‘There, there.’ My wife, God bless her soul, might have been the one to come to for that, but even then she’d probably have given you a kick up the arse. You have a family - it might not be blood - but you have just as much as Nate does. What’s brought this on? It’s not like you to have a pity party.”
“Kelly is going to move in with Carl. She’s wanted to for a long while - I know she has – I’ve been selfish and she’s held back. I need to let her go, but the thought scares the shit out of me if I’m honest.”
He nodded slowly. “Because of your parents?”
“Because of everything: they were in love once, and look what happened to them. She killed him - my mother chewed my father up and destroyed him. Maddie”- I shook my head in disgust, -“…Christian’s changed her so much, she’s not even Maddie anymore. She was tough and feisty; she said whatever she thought without a filter; now she’s this fragile little thing that runs around trying to constantly do and say the right thing. It’s sickening. I don’t want that for Kelly, and I’m scared that, if she’s away from me, I won’t see it.”
“Marcus, not every relationship is like that. Maddie has had a rough time, but I’m sure she’ll find her way. Kelly and Carl have been together a long time. You know Carl. He’s a good guy, from what I understand. Besides, I’m confident that, if he were anything but, you and Nate would have kicked his arse and seen him off a long time ago. You need to let her live her life.”
“I know…”
“And you need to live yourself. You clearly have feelings for this Maddie”
“No!” I denied it vehemently. “I don’t, not like that. I care about her.”
He didn’t speak, but I could feel the weight of his stare, and eventually I raised my head to look at him, ready to disagree with him again, but he changed the subject.
“Death changes things. It makes you think and re-evaluate. It can’t be easy to remember your father’s death.”
I lifted the glass to my mouth and downed the rest of the drink in one. “Yeah, well - I’m not ever likely to be able to forget that, am I?” I realised how bitter I sounded and continued swiftly, “Lindsay was going to come and visit my mother with me.”
“Nate mentioned that.”
I nodded - I thought he might have. “Nate didn’t think it was a good idea.”
Again I waited for Gramps to speak. He watched me for a few minutes, then cleared his throat. “And you want my opinion?”
“Well, yeah.”
“I think you should do what you think is best.”
“That’s not really helpful.”
“Marcus, don’t go to visit your mother if you are looking for an apology or expecting her to be able to give you a good reason for what she’s done. There isn’t one: there’s no justification for her actions. I don’t believe that she has it in her to understand the damage that she caused, just as Jonathan is too selfish and spiteful to understand that his actions are the reason he is estranged from this family. I don’t believe either of them will ever take responsibility for their actions. You need to move on. If you feel you must see her to do that, then do it - maybe then you’ll be able to see that Lindsay was - and that Maddie and Kelly are - all very different women from your mother.”
We continued to chat for a while. He made me laugh with his grumbling about the blood pressure monitor and the list of restrictions that he’d been put on, one of which was to reduce alcohol consumption, at this, I cocked my eyebrow, and he laughed. He filled me in on the stories of him and Betty, his ‘lady friend’, and I cringed as I listened to his plans for a weekend away - some things I really didn’t need to know about.
Just as I was leaving, I turned and asked him, “How did you do it? How did you move on?”
“One step at a time, boy,” he answered, as he pulled me in for a hug. “You need to let go of the guilt, Marcus. Lindsay would want you to live, to fall in love again, to move on and be happy. She’d want you to live the best life that you could – do that for her. Living half a life isn’t really living.”
He released me and looked at me with misty eyes for a moment before slapping my arm and chuckling. “We should have sat around and painted our fingernails! I hope the next time you come you’ll have some interesting stories for me! Go and enjoy your evening.”
I was on the sofa watching some film that had mo
re explosions that storyline when I heard the doorbell. I picked up my phone, blinking, dumbly expecting it to give me answers, before I got up and walked to the hallway.
Kelly was still at Carl’s and wouldn’t be back tonight, and, even then, she’d have used her key. I wondered briefly if it could be Nate, but I’d have expected him to call first.
I swung the door open and felt the world stop spinning as I saw Maddie. She was drenched. There was a persistent drizzle rather than heavy rain, which meant that she’d have been outside for a considerable amount of time. She had a suitcase and was clutching the handle tightly. Her hair hung loosely around her face which was pale against her dark hair. Her clothes were sodden, clinging tightly to her body as she shivered in front of me. I just stared at her like an arsehole, unable to move or respond, forcing her to speak.
“I’m sorry…I just…shit…I’m sorry, I don’t know…” She was trembling, even her voice was shaking, and it finally pulled me out of my trance.
“Fuck! Mads, I’m sorry. Come in.”
I took her case, lifting it into the house and pulling her along with it. She stood just inside the doorway, dripping water all over the floor and looking as if she was on the verge of tears.
“I’m sorry…I’m making a mess.” She was chewing her lip, her eyes dangerously close to overflowing as she surveyed the puddle that was starting to surround her.
“One sec.” I raced up the stairs and grabbed a towel from the airing cupboard. I charged back down the stairs and saw that she hadn’t moved from the doorway.
“Here!” I held the towel out to wrap around her.
“I need to get out of these first,”
“Okay.” I stood there for a moment watching her as she stared back at me awkwardly, before I realised that I was standing waiting for her to undress in front of me.
“Fuck! Sorry…of course. Upstairs…go upstairs to the bathroom…jump in the shower if you want. I’ll bring your case up and put it in the spare room.”
She ran up the stairs, and I heard her close the bathroom door as I stood there cursing myself.
