by Chapple, GL
I’d loved Lindsay –I still did love her – but I needed to let go of the past. I’d spent too much of my life holding onto things that I should have let go. I liked Maddie; I liked her a lot. I got up and went downstairs. The house was silent. Kelly hadn’t come back last night, and I assumed that Maddie had left early to go to work. I made myself breakfast before calling Nate to confirm that we were meeting at his Gramps’ place.
Nate had messaged me to say that he was running late. I could guess why!
I walked into the Sheltered living accommodation reception, saying a quick “hello” to Gloria on the front desk before going down to Gramps’ room.
He smiled and switched the TV off as I walked in, looking past me for Nate.
“Morning, old man. He’s running late.”
“Well, can’t say I blame him for not wanting to get out of bed.” He gave me the same smirk that Nate usually wore, and it made me happy to see the resemblance.
“Sooo….” he drawled, dragging the word out, though his sly look told me that he was about to say something he probably shouldn’t.
“How’s Betty?” I asked quickly.
“How’s Maddie?” He winked.
I groaned. “Nothing gets past you does it?”
“Son, last time you walked through those doors it looked like the weight of the world was on your shoulders. Today, not so much; it could be some wonderful epiphany or some life-changing moment, but chances are it’s because you’ve been with someone.” He phrased it delicately, and I loved him for how uncharacteristically sensitive he was being.
“Unblocked,” I responded in an amused tone.
He smiled. “She was only a cockblock because you allowed her to be. You could have screwed around with any number of women if it was just sex you were looking for, Marcus. You wanted her. How do you feel now?”
“I still feel guilty.”
He nodded, as if he’d expected that answer. “It’s difficult - moving on is hard; it’s scary and it hurts; it means you have to feel, and you have to deal with things. When you screwed around after Lindsay, I understood that you were trying to keep yourself numb or trying to shut everything out for a while; anyone would choose pleasure over pain, Marcus - I don’t judge you for that - but you hated yourself for it. Now, you have to deal with the pain to be able to focus on pleasure and move forward. You obviously like Maddie?”
“I do - a lot. When I’m with her…” I trailed off and looked down at my shoes, feeling stupid and self-conscious.
He let the silence hang there, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I swallowed and tried again. “She makes me want to try; I can’t be sad when I’m with her; she makes everything feel so much better. I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“Then don’t.”
I chuckled. “Sterling advice, Gramps. Really helpful.”
I met his gaze to find him grinning at me. “I went to visit my mother.” His smile quickly transformed into a scowl, and I felt his eyes penetrate me as they checked for signs that I was upset or hurting.
“I’m alright,” I reassured him. “I should have gone years ago…I wish I’d spoken to her when I collected Kelly. I should have gone to see her then rather than letting this drag on. She didn’t have anything to say for herself. She had no interest in my father, apart from his money, and, since they were divorced, she wasn’t entitled to any.” Gramps’ eyebrow rose, but he remained silent. “She didn’t bother contacting me as, and I quote her words, ‘I didn’t want the hassle.’ Seriously! My father spent years warning me off women and filling my head with horror stories, and - meeting her - it’s easy to understand why, but Lindsay wasn’t anything like her, and neither is Maddie.”
“Marcus, I knew your parents were a shitty example, but you spent a great deal of time with us, I had many wonderful, love filled years, as did Nate’s late parents, and look now at Nate and Lena, even Kelly and Carl. Relationships are what you make of them. If two people love each other, it is the most beautiful thing in the world. They support each other, and they build each other up. You’ll have someone to rely on, someone who will fight for you, love and cherish you and want the best for you. You deserve that, Marcus! You deserve to be loved and to be happy.”
I immediately thought back to my converation with Lindsay’s father. “I hate the thought of leaving Lindsay behind.”
He reached out and placed his hand over mine. “She’s not left behind. No matter how much time you share with a person, the imprint they leave on your life will always be there, and therefore a piece of them will always be with you. You’ll carry her in your heart and your memories, but you have to move on.”
“I know. I’m trying.”
“How does Maddie feel?”
“I’ve not seen her this morning.”
“Ahh…so…last night.” He gave me a knowing look, and I smiled wide. “Kitchen table.”
He began to cackle just as the door opened, and Nate walked in, looking bemused at the sight of his grandfather.
“Make the most of it, boys! Before you know it you’ll be looking for positions that don’t hurt her hips or your bad back.” He shook his head. “Old age! It’s a real bastard!”
“What the hell?” Nate asked, before he turned to me, realisation on his features. “You fucked Maddie?”
I tensed, and he noticed, his face lighting up, and I realised why a second before he began to mock me, “Oh, I’m sorry. Have you and Maddie made love?”
I flipped him the finger as he laughed uproariously. Oh, great! I was in for a fun hour before I had to leave for work.
My shift had been long, and I was grateful to get home and soak in a hot bath. I immersed myself in the water and closed my eyes, finally allowing myself to think back over the previous evening. I’d had the most delicious ache between my thighs all day, but I’d tried to keep my thoughts at bay.
The reality was that I was terrified. The previous night had been amazing. Marcus had been everything that I could have imagined, and more - not just in the physical sense, but in the way that he made me feel special, treasured, respected and cared for. I just didn’t trust my own judgement anymore. I’d thought that Christian had loved me – I’d thought that I’d loved him – but the whole thing had just left me feeling fragile and confused, and I’d not really had time to process everything because I’d thrown myself at Marcus.
I closed my eyes and sank under the water, blowing out my breath slowly. I’d really messed this up: the one thing I didn’t want to do was affect our friendship. He meant so much to me, and I’d gone and slept with him because I was sexually frustrated and crazily attracted to him.
I dried and dressed myself slowly as I worked up the courage to go downstairs. The house felt as if it were empty, but I wasn’t sure. I walked into the kitchen and, checking Marcus’ shifts on the fridge, I saw that he was working until late. I was torn between feeling relieved and disappointed. I quickly made myself something to eat and settled down in front of the TV, but soon gave up picked up my kindle. I read for a while then realised I was reading the same page over and over, so I just went upstairs to bed.
“When were you going to tell me?” I woke up to the sound of Lena shrieking into my ear on the phone.
“Huh?” I murmured, half asleep, as I rubbed my eyes and propped myself upright in bed.
“You heard me, missy. When were you going to tell me about you and Marcus?”
“Me and what? What do you mean?”
“Mads! You slept with Marcus! That’s fucking huge! I mean - I knew it was coming: it’s been obvious for ages how hot you two are for each other, but I expected you to tell me! When? Where? Talk to me, woman.”
I sighed and pulled the duvet to me, sinking back down into it.
“Are you alright?” Lena sounded concerned, and I licked my dry lips to reply.
“Yeah, I’m Ok. It’s just…I don’t know…”
“What’s wrong? It’s not Christian, is it?”
“No! No, nothi
ng like that. Marcus and I are good friends - we’ve become really good friends, and now I’m just upset that I’ve let this happen. I should have just hooked up the other night.”
“What? Why? Why would you say that?”
“Because now things are going to get messed up, and I’m going to lose someone I really care about.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Uh, hello! Do you know me? That’s what happens to me, baby girl. We don’t all get the fairy tale. I can’t do relationships; as soon as I think they’re going somewhere, they fall apart around me. I jumped into a relationship with Christian, and I went from really liking him to not even knowing what I was doing anymore. Things always start well but quickly go downhill. I threw myself at Marcus because I was horny, and now things are going to get messed up. He said he wants more than just sex, but I honestly think maybe I’m un-lov…”
Before I could even finish my sentence, I heard the sharp inhale from Lena. “Don’t you dare finish that word! You are not! You’ve met some shitty people who have taken advantage of the amazing person you are. That makes them the arseholes, not you!”
“What, all of them?” I asked wryly.
“Yep!”
“Your loyalty is admirable - misguided but admirable.”
“Don’t make me come and kick your arse.”
“Did you just ring to give me abuse at this ungodly hour?”
“I’m just checking on you. If you were horny, you could have just made up with BOB!” she teased, referring to my battery operated boyfriend. “It’s more than that, and we both know it.”
“Well, now I have no need to,” I replied smugly as I ignored the latter part of her statement.
Lena whooped loudly. “Go, Marcus! I’ll have to remember to high-five him,” she joked.
“Twice.” I added, hanging up on her as she burst into laughter.
I’d managed to avoid Marcus for three days thanks to our shift patterns, but I knew that we were going to see each other today, and I couldn’t stop the butterflies in my stomach every time I heard a noise. I’d showered and shaved, trying to tell myself it wasn’t for his benefit. I’d changed my outfit three times before finally settling on a casual dress. He’d messaged me earlier in the day to tell me to be ready to go out for a meal tonight, but he hadn’t told me where, and I didn’t want to appear over-keen. I sat back on the sofa and waited for him.
I stirred awake at his touch. As I opened my eyes, I found him on his knees in front of me, his face close to mine.
“You’re getting your character confused, baby. You’re Cinderella, not Sleeping Beauty.” He sat back on his heels to look at me, “You should have said if you were tired. Shall I order in?”
“It’s alright. I can go out - I’m not that tired.” I rubbed my hand over my face and tried to stifle a yawn.
“I’ll order in,” he said with a smile, standing up and walking over to his phone on the worktop. “What do you fancy?” he asked.
“You!” my mind chanted as I tried to drag my eyes away from him.
He stood in his works trousers and white shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbow to showcase forearms that should not be capable of having the effect on me that they were. I’m sure he could read my mind as he dragged his eyes down my body and slowly raised them to meet my gaze.
“Uh…I’ll have anything…whatever you want.” I stood up, intending to walk into the kitchen to get things ready, only the minute my eyes made contact with the table, I felt my whole body heat up.
“Whatever I want…” he mused, not breaking eye contact as he looked at me. My body was already responding to him, and he wasn’t even close to me. He slipped his phone in his pocket and walked towards me.
I licked my lips as he approached. It was a subconscious gesture but I saw his eyes dart downwards to catch the action.
“Don’t do that to me. I don’t want to scare you off. I know you need this to go slow.”
“Marcus…” My voice failed me. I didn’t know what else to say.
He stopped right in front of me and caught my chin, lifting my face so that I was looking up to him and he could see into my eyes. He didn’t say anything, though. He just looked at me and waited for me to carry on.
If I hadn’t been able to speak before, his proximity now robbed me completely of my breath, let alone my ability to form coherent thoughts. “I’m scared,” I finally managed to get out on a rushed breath. I tried to turn away, but he held my face, forcing me to continue looking at him. I blinked, feeling vulnerable and self-conscious.
“Of what?”
“This…us…you…all of it.”
“Me too.” He smiled softly, bringing his other hand up to cup my cheek. “But you’re worth being scared for. You’re worth trying for. Honestly, I don’t know how, or what I’m doing, and maybe I’ll fuck up – I’ll probably fuck up. I still feel guilty…”
I cringed, even though I knew I shouldn’t have; I had no right to. Of course he would be thinking about Lindsay. She’d been my friend too...this was messed up. He rubbed his thumb over my cheek,
-“and I’ve got some screwed-up family shit I’m still getting my head around, but I want to live, Maddie. I want to be happy, and you make me happy. Please don’t overthink this.”
“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to mess this up and end up alone again - this time without you. We’ve become such good friends. I don’t want to ruin this. I can’t do relationships.”
“You’re not going to lose me. You’re freaking out over a word, Mads, a simple definition. We’re already in a relationship.”
I swallowed and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to see his hurt or for him to see mine.
“Your relationships haven’t worked in the past because they weren’t meant to - you weren’t supposed to be with those men. That’s no reflection on you.”
I opened my eyes cautiously to find him watching me.
“I don’t know where this is going to go, but I really like spending time with you. You make me happy; you make every day feel better; you make me want to be a better person. I wish I could make you promises, but I’m not able to. I can’t offer you the world, baby, but I swear you’ll always be the centre of mine. Please tell me that’s enough for you to try! Take a chance on us, Mads!”
Well, what the hell was I supposed to do with that? My body gave in while my brain was still swooning over his words. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down to me, crushing our lips together as he caught my arse in his hands and lifted me. I hooked my legs around his waist as he walked forwards until I pressed against the wall. He threaded his fingers through my hair, holding my head back so that he had total access to me and could control the kiss that was blistering in its intensity. We broke apart, gasping for breath, and he tugged gently on my hair, pulling my head to the side so he could kiss and caress my neck. I moaned, the sensations going straight between my legs. I could feel how turned on he was as he pressed against me. I rocked my hips back and forth, smiling with satisfaction as I heard him hiss out a breath.
“Fuck!” He stepped back and placed his hands on my hips, slowly lowering me down. His hair was messed up, and his eyes were dark and hungry as he looked at me. “Dammit, woman! I’m trying to have some restraint here and take it slower for you.”
“I don’t need to go slower.” I went to reach out for him, but he stood back, putting distance and space between us.
“Yes, you do.”
I frowned, feeling snubbed and upset.
He stepped forward again and grabbed my hand, placing it right on top of his rock hard erection.
“Don’t give me that face! That’s the reason we need to go slower. I need you to trust me…”
“I do,” I interrupted.
“…Yeah, as a friend, as a person. Have trust in us! This is how much I want you. Feel how fucking hard I am for you, baby. This is what you do to me every single time I’m around you. Do you have any idea how m
any long, hot showers I’ve had since you’ve moved in?” He smirked at me, and I felt myself flush. I stepped back, putting a little more space back between us again.
“You are gorgeous, sexy and irresistible, but more than that, you are absolutely beautiful on the inside. You make me laugh on days when I don’t even feel like smiling. You are strong, feisty and independent and I want you to feel like you again; I want you to be ready for this too. This isn’t just physical, Mads. We’ve both relied too much on pleasure to block out pain. I don’t want this to be just physical: I like you too much just to be fucking you - I want all of you. I need you to be ready and want it too.”
“I don’t know what I want…”
“Yes, you do. You’re just not ready to admit it. If you’re thinking you’ve made a mistake”- he raised an eyebrow as if he knew that’s what had been going around in my head, -“then we’ll go back to being friends and I won’t touch you again until you’re begging me to. I won’t do anything until you admit how much you want this – us. I’ll give you time if you think you need it, Mads - just a little, because I’m not a fan of wasting time, not when I know it’s pointless.”
“How?” I almost whispered. I was terrified of this conversation.
“Because all the reasons and excuses you have going around in that beautiful head of yours are bullshit. You want time to find yourself, to know who you are again because you’re confused and unsettled after Christian.” He paused, and I looked into his eyes for signs that he was mocking me. He looked sincere, though, and I waited with bated breath for his next words, my heart beating out of control as I tried to brace myself for him to say something that was going to hurt me.
